Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (12 page)

Incest is sexual interaction with a child or an adolescent by a person who is a member of the child’s family—a blood relative, an adoptive relative, or someone related by marriage or remarriage. Incestuous relationships usually continue over a long period of time. Incest occurs primarily in the following types of relationships (in order of predominance):

— A girl with her father or stepfather, grandfather, uncle, male cousin, older brother, half-brother, or brother-in-law

— A boy with his father or stepfather, grandfather, uncle, male cousin, brother, half-brother, brother-in-law, sister, or mother

The Bible is not silent about the act of incest: “No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations” (Leviticus 18:6).

Many people blame children for either being abused or staying in an abusive relationship. However, these uninformed critics are unaware that a child victim of sexual abuse feels overwhelmed and powerless. A child has no choice about being abused, does not have the ability to stop the abuse, is defenseless against the emotional pain, and feels helpless and totally alone.

The Bible is not silent about God’s concern for victims:

“You, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless…You hear, O L
ORD
, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry”

(P
SALM
10:14,17).

Typically childhood sexual abuse is not a onetime, isolated incident, but rather a premeditated plan resulting in repeated abuse by a perpetrator. While the details of each victimization are different, perpetrators follow a typical pattern of behavior: first
seducing
, then
stimulating, silencing
, and
suppressing
the child. Once suppressed, the child loses all hope.
¹

Seduction
—The perpetrator emotionally seduces the child by developing intimacy, progressively building trust and giving pleasure. This is accomplished by becoming an attentive “friend,” showing preferential treatment or giving money, gifts, bribes, or rewards.

Stimulation
—The child feels pleasure in physical touch that seems appropriate, affirming, and warm (playful wrestling and tender touching such as hugs and gentle back rubs). Over time the child becomes desensitized and vulnerable to a progression of more advanced sexual activity. The increased physical encroachment may not be enjoyable, but the increased sexual stimulation can be enjoyable. (By God’s design, the body naturally responds to sexual stimulation. While children eventually feel conflicted over the mixture of pain and pleasure, no guilt should ever be attributed to the child—the guilt belongs to the abuser alone.)

Silence
—The perpetrator moves to ensure the victim’s silence through intimidation and fear-inducing threats. A warped sense of loyalty has already been cultivated within the child through special attention, gifts, and privileges. Although the abuse may be a onetime event or continue for years, few victims ever tell. The destructive secret remains imbedded for years in a quagmire of ambivalent feelings such as love and hate, pleasure and shame, tenderness and terror. The victims feel rage at the reality of being in the relationship and rage at the possibility of losing the relationship. Meanwhile, abusers are keenly aware of their power over their innocent prey.

Suppression
—When no one rescues the child from the abusive relationship, the child feels doubly betrayed. Any hope of ever being “saved” by anyone, including God, is destroyed. The child, feeling no choice but to bow to the supreme power of the perpetrator, slips quietly into emotional enslavement. Then, when hopelessness reigns, the soul is suppressed and the light within the spirit is snuffed out.

The Bible describes men of deception:

“There is no fear of God before his eyes. For in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin. The words of his mouth are wicked and deceitful; he has ceased to be wise and to do good. Even on his bed he plots evil; he commits himself to a sinful course and does not reject what is wrong”

(P
SALM
36:1-4).

After an act of sexual abuse, victimizers fear being found out. They seek to shift the blame to the victim by unloading a truckful of guilt. This strategy is a game.

Most games are fun, and most games require some level of strategy. In the case of child abuse, perpetrators use one of the most powerful weapons in existence—guilt. In fact, most perpetrators possess an expertise at playing the guilt game—a game of deceit. For victims, this game is not fun; it is cruel. The Bible says, “Deceit [is] in the hearts of those who plot evil” (Proverbs 12:20).

— “If you share our secret, it will break my heart. They won’t let me see you again; I will kill myself.”

— “If you share our secret, Mother’s feelings will be so hurt. She won’t understand; she will leave us.”

— “If you share our secret, your mother will divorce me. Our family will be destroyed, and it will be your fault.”

— “If you share our secret, I’ll tell them you wanted it, you started it. No one will believe you.”

— “If you share our secret, I won’t love you anymore. I will kill the family, and I will kill you.”

When it comes to abuse of any kind, too many people become like an ostrich, hiding their heads in the sands of denial. Although it is terribly hard to do, facing the truth that child abuse is taking place is the first step to healing. Take comfort in the fact that “when justice is done, it brings joy to the righteous but terror to evildoers” (Proverbs 21:15).

— Be aware child abuse is illegal, a crime, and must be reported.

— Be aware children are usually abused by people they know.

— Be aware children seldom lie about abuse.

— Be aware most often, physical abuse is violent, but sexual abuse may not be.

— Be aware children may deny or change their stories because of fear.

— Be aware sexual abuse is progressive and will get worse if not stopped.

— Don’t be in denial, no matter how difficult it is to believe what you hear.

— Don’t assume that if it happened only once, it is not serious.

— Don’t minimize the abuse.

— Don’t let the offender go without confrontation.

— Don’t blame other family members.

— Don’t keep abuse a family secret.

Seek the help of a professional who is trained to work with children to…

— Contact a child advocacy program to discuss your concerns privately.

— Consider having someone there do an evaluation of the child and make recommendations as to a course of action.

— Contact Child Protective Services.

— Contact a family attorney.

— Contact a shelter for women and children.

— Contact a pastor or spiritual leader.

— Contact the local police or a law enforcement agency.

— Contact the local district attorney’s office.

“A wise man has great power, and a man of knowledge increases strength; for waging war you need guidance, and for victory many advisers”

(P
ROVERBS
24:5-6).

Stay calm.

— Take time to sensitively answer any questions from the child.

— Be available to the child at all times.

— Remain with the child, and leave the child only with another adult whom you and the child trust.

— Respect the privacy of the child from those who have no need to know.

— Make no promises you can’t keep, such as, “Your mom won’t be angry,” or “He won’t get into trouble.”

— Explain that the law enforcement agencies must be informed and what will happen next.

— Be prepared to provide protection, arrange for a medical exam, and obtain professional counseling. First Thessalonians 5:14 says, “We urge you…encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”

— Take the child to a pediatrician or the local hospital emergency room for immediate examination and documentation.

— Relate why you suspect possible child abuse, and state that a child abuse case should be turned over to a caseworker.

— Ask for a copy of the medical report in writing and for copies of photographs if they are taken. (If necessary, an attorney can subpoena them.)

— Keep a paper trail of all contacts you make: calls, reports, and photographs.

— If a caseworker’s file disappears, supply duplicates of your copies of photographs and reports.

— Follow up with caseworkers on a regular basis, asking about the status of the case and how you can be of assistance.

— If the local services are not responsive, keep appealing to higher authorities by contacting a state or federal agency. First Peter 2:13-14 says, “Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every authority instituted among men…who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right.”

Children victimized by sexual abuse are in bondage to “the secret.” Revealing the truth is the only strategy for breaking the power of the secret. It involves gently drawing the child out…into the light of truth.

To open the hearts of victims, give them loving care and the compassion of Christ.
³

— Pray for supernatural wisdom from the Spirit of God.

— Provide a safe atmosphere, away from upsetting people and places.

— Ask, “Have you been experiencing something uncomfortable or confusing?”

— Listen carefully, repeat what is said, and ask, “Did I get it right?”

— Be cautious about asking leading questions such as, “Did he do _______ to you?”

— Let authorities with expertise in childhood sexual abuse ask most of the questions to determine the truth.

— Communicate that you believe the child.

— Acknowledge that the offender is wrong.

— Give assurance that the child is not to blame.