Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (13 page)

— Confirm that “telling” is the right thing to do.

— Provide a safe atmosphere by displaying genuine love and compassion.

“The purposes of a [child’s] heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out”

(P
ROVERBS
20:5).

Many children do not know they have permission to take action to protect themselves. When it comes to sexual abuse, often they don’t realize what is happening, and they become too frightened to react quickly. Because most children are taught to obey authority figures, they need to be empowered to protect themselves when an authority figure becomes abusive. The following statements can instill confidence and build assertiveness in a young heart and help the child to resist inappropriate sexual advances:

— “God loves you and made your body with a special plan and purpose in mind.”

— “If you are asked to do something you think is wrong, I expect you to say no—even to an older relative or friend of the family.” (Role-play saying no in a firm, assertive voice.)

— “Your body belongs to you, and you decide who touches it.”

— “The parts of your body covered by a bathing suit are private.”

— “Never allow anyone other than your doctor to touch your private parts, and then only for medical reasons.”

— “If someone tries to touch your private parts, scream and run to a safe place.”

— “If someone touches your private parts and says that it’s okay, he or she is wrong! You must tell me or someone you trust.”

— “If a person does not stop touching you, say, ‘I’ll tell if you don’t stop!’ Then when you are safe from harm, tell me or another trusted person about what happened.”

— “If you are asked to keep the touching a secret, do not be afraid. Tell anyway.”

— “If you try to report something wrong and a trusted adult does not believe you, keep telling no matter how embarrassed you feel—keep telling until someone believes you.”

“If sinners entice you, do not give in to them”

(P
ROVERBS
1:10).

In child abuse, “the secret”—knowing a child won’t tell—
is the perpetrator’s most powerful weapon.
God’s strategy is to surface the secret…
the truth is what sets us free.

—JH

Psalm 34:18

Psalm 30:2

Lamentations 3:22-23

Isaiah 43:18-19

Romans 12:19

Ephesians 4:32

2 Corinthians 5:17

Jeremiah 29:11

Psalm 107:21

Philippians 4:7

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Anger, Depression, Fear, Forgiveness, Guilt, Hope, Identity, Manipulation, Marriage, Rejection, Self-worth, Verbal and Emotional Abuse, Victimization
and other related topics.

I
t’s an addiction—not to drugs or alcohol, but to a relationship. One person is perceived as emotionally weak, needing to be connected to someone emotionally strong, and one is perceived as emotionally strong, but is actually weak due to a need to be needed. Both are in denial.

Sometimes roles change, yet codependency is characterized by intense highs and lows as the pair negotiates the unbalanced relationship as though stuck on a seesaw—from one high to another…first suffocating one another…then distancing from each other…producing a destructive pattern of manipulation and control that drains life’s joy and happiness. Dependency on God, not another person, is the remedy for such relationship addiction.

“Avoid all extremes”

(E
CCLESIASTES
7:18).

You could be in a codependent relationship if you:

— Feel a loss of personal identity

— Violate your conscience

— Have difficulty establishing healthy, intimate relationships

— Struggle with low self-worth

— Control and manipulate

— Have difficulty setting boundaries

— Become jealous and possessive

— Fear abandonment

— Experience extreme ups and downs

— Have a false sense of security

— Have another addiction besides the relationship

— Feel trapped in the relationship

In an out-of-balance relationship, both individuals wind up in the ditch of codependency—a place detrimental to your relationships with God and others.

God wants you to depend on Him—to totally rely upon Him. He wants you to trust Him to meet all your needs, take care of your loved ones, and overcome destructive dependencies. Here are four sizable steps to set your feet on the path to recovery and your heart on the hope of healthy relationships.

Admit the truth…

— to yourself.

— to a trustworthy person who will hold you accountable to change.

— to God.

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective”

(J
AMES
5:16).

Accept responsibility for…

— how your past experiences and reactions have hurt your relationships.

— the pain you have caused yourself by being jealous, envious, selfish, or obsessive.

— the ways in which your codependency has weakened your relationship with God and caused you to lose both quantity and quality time with the Lord and intimacy with Him.

“He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy”

(P
ROVERBS
28:13).

Understand that…

— you will have pain no matter what you choose. If you leave the codependent relationship, you will hurt. If you stay, you will hurt. Your only hope for future healing is leaving the codependent lifestyle.

— when the intensity of the relationship diminishes, you will experience emotional withdrawal.

— you will need the support of others to get through the initial pain and to help you avoid another codependent relationship.

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity”

(P
ROVERBS
17:17).

Acknowledge…

— your codependent role in the relationship, and stop relating through codependent patterns.

— your destructive behaviors, then replace them with constructive behaviors. It helps to write them down.

— the natural pain of emotional withdrawal, which is common to the healing of addictions. Focus instead on God’s supernatural purpose, which is to conform you to the character of Christ.

Stop focusing on…

— what the other person is doing. Start focusing on what you need to do to become emotionally healthy.

— the other person’s problems. Start focusing on solving your own problems, and stop neglecting people and projects in your own life.

— trying to change the other person. Start focusing on changing yourself.

“The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception”

(P
ROVERBS
14:8).

Leave your…

— childhood and your dependent thinking (“I can’t live without you”), then enter into healthy adulthood (“I want you in my life, but if something were to happen, I could still live without you”).

— immature need to be dependent on someone and embrace your mature need to be dependent on the Lord.

— fantasy relationships (“You are my all-in-all”) and nurture several balanced relationships of healthy give-and-take.

“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses”

(P
ROVERBS
27:6).

Establish…

— several interdependent relationships, and not just one exclusive relationship.

— emotionally balanced relationships without being needy of the extreme highs and lows of codependent relationships.

— personal boundaries, saying no when you need to say no and then holding to your no.

“I will maintain my righteousness and never let go of it; my conscience will not reproach me as long as I live”

(J
OB
27:6).

One effective way to confront codependent love relationships is through the process of journaling. Writing things down over a period of time helps you to paint a more complete picture of what’s happening, and enables you to gain insights. Start writing about your codependent relationships by putting the name of each person at the top of a separate page. Answer the following questions for each relationship:

— How did you meet and attract this person?

— How did you pursue him or her?

— How did you fantasize about this person?

Conclude by answering…

— How do you think God feels or felt about your choices?

— Realize the Lord is ready to meet your deepest emotional needs.

— How did the relationship progress—fascination, fantasy, fog, fear, forsaking, fixation, frenzy?

— How did you feel in each stage?

— How did you act during each stage?

Conclude by answering…

— How did you fail to involve God in your life during each stage?

— Realize how ready the Lord has been to intervene.