Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (7 page)

Do pray for the Spirit of God to guide your decisions about possibly leaving an adulterous spouse
. Must a person stay married even if his or her mate continues to commit adultery? Marital unfaithfulness is a ground for divorce. Jesus does not
demand
divorce in such a case, but rather,
permits
it: “Anyone who divorces his wife,
except for marital unfaithfulness
, and marries another woman commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9).

Do rely on the Lord to be your Savior, Completer, and Healer if an estranged spouse chooses to leave
. It is not necessary to have a mate to be whole. One is a whole number—not a half, not a fraction. You can be whole in Christ: “Heal me, O L
ORD
, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise” (Jeremiah 17:14).

Do choose as an act of will to forgive
. Forgiving someone does not necessarily mean you must forget. The key is how the offense is remembered. Forgiving is remembering without bitterness, hatred, or resentment.
⁵
“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

Don’t try to find ways to change your mate
. This is not your responsibility. In fact, you can’t change your mate—you don’t have that power. “The L
ORD
will fight for you; you need only to be still” (Exodus 14:14).

Don’t bring up specifics in order to convict your mate
. The Holy Spirit is the One who convicts. “He will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment” (John 16:8).

Don’t blame yourself for the adultery
.
⁶
Almost all wounded mates struggle with false guilt, feeling responsible for the mate’s affair. However, anything you did or didn’t do did not cause your spouse to sin against you. You can’t make another person sin. The actions of adulterers were based on their personal choices. The Bible says, “Each of us will give an account of himself to God” (Romans 14:12).

Don’t minimize or deny the seriousness of the situation
. Minimizing or denying the seriousness of the situation does not change the fact it is sin. Call sin what it is. “All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18).

Don’t seek ways to meet all your mate’s needs
. You can never meet all your mate’s needs. If you could, your mate would never sense a need for God. God did not create anyone to meet another person’s every need. God Himself promises to meet all our needs. “God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).

Don’t believe you can’t make it alone and that you are completely dependent on your spouse
. Your sufficiency is to be in the Lord alone, not in another person. “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken” (Psalm 62:5-6).

Why is adultery so deceptive? Because it gives the illusion of being loved…a flawed feeling of connection…a false sense of security. Instead of living in a fantasy world, live by the facts of God’s holy Word: “God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life”

(1 T
HESSALONIANS
4:7).
—JH

Proverbs 6:27

Mark 7:21-23

1 Corinthians 6:18

Proverbs 6:32

Hebrews 13:4

Malachi 2:15-16

Colossians 3:13

Isaiah 54:5

Psalm 62:5

Exodus 14:14

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Anger, Depression, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family, Forgiveness, Guilt, Hope, Identity, Manipulation, Marriage, Reconciliation, Rejection, Self-worth, Sexual Addiction, Sexual Integrity, Worry
and other related topics.

D
rug or alcohol addiction is a modern-day demon that can take over and radically alter a person’s behavior, health, family, and future. Most people with a drug dependency insist they are not dependent. However, when they try to stop the habit, they cannot…because they continue to sink deeper. Beneath the surface of self-delusion, this “ditch of drug abuse” is filled with quicksand and its victims feel that they just can’t free themselves. Second Peter 2:19 says, “A man is a slave to whatever has mastered him.” Nevertheless, there is hope for deliverance, for lasting change.

Drugs are generally classified into four major groups depending on their effect on the body. In all four, excessive usage can cause death! Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”

Depressants
produce a calming effect and slow down the central nervous system.

Isaiah 28:7 refers to those who “stagger from wine and reel from beer…and are befuddled with wine…they stagger when seeing visions, they stumble when rendering decisions.”

Stimulants
excite bodily functions and speed up the central nervous system.

The book of Proverbs describes those who walk without wisdom: “Disaster will overtake him in an instant; he will suddenly be destroyed—without remedy” (Proverbs 6:15).

Hallucinogens
alter and distort reality.

Although the Bible does not directly mention hallucinogens, it does address the frightening and disturbing hallucinogenic effects of alcohol: “Your eyes will see strange sights and your mind imagine confusing things…‘They hit me,’ you will say, ‘but I’m not hurt! They beat me, but I don’t feel it! When will I wake up so I can find another drink?’” (Proverbs 23:33-35).

Narcotics
reduce pain and elevate a person’s mood.

When you are in pain, rather than turning to drugs, turn to the Lord. Be dependent on Him and seek His direction for pain relief: “I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me” (Psalm 69:29).

Intoxication
occurs when the influence of a substance in your body causes changes in your behavior—including mood changes, faulty judgment, slurred speech, poor coordination, unsteady gait, sexual impropriety, aggressive behavior, and impaired social functioning. Intoxication may result in becoming comatose or even death.

Abuse
occurs when your use of drugs results in your failure to fulfill responsibilities or to maintain healthy relationships, or when you put yourself or others at risk of potential harm.

Addiction
occurs when you experience these three leading indicators:

—
Drug tolerance:
you need increasingly more to obtain the same effect

—
Physical dependence:
you suffer from withdrawal symptoms such as nausea, sweating, shaking, anxiety

—
Craving:
you develop a pattern of compulsive drug use

Withdrawal
occurs when the distress caused by a lessening or lack of the drug severely disrupts your daily life. “No longer do they drink wine with a song…In the streets they cry out for wine; all joy turns to gloom, all gaiety is banished” (Isaiah 24:9,11).

Q:
How can I be held responsible for my drug dependence when most drugs are addictive and actually cause the addiction?

A:
Your drug dependence has been created both by your choice to use drugs and by the drug itself. Intoxication results from the makeup of the drug you use and the way it is metabolized by your body. The only way to avoid addiction is to make a deliberate choice to stop abusing drugs. First Samuel 1:14 says, “How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine.”

C
Do you ever attempt to
conceal
your habit from others?

H
Do you ever think about getting
help
for your habit?

E
Do you have problems at your place of
employment
because of your habit?

M
Do you ever experience a loss of
memory
as a result of your habit?

I
Do you ever become severely
intoxicated
?

C
Do you ever feel unfairly
criticized
because of your habit?

A
Do you ever feel your habit is
abnormal
?

L
Do you ever
lose
friendships or
leave
relationships as a result of your habit?

L
Do you ever
lower
your intake yet end up returning to your previous level?

Y
Do you ever neglect your
young children
or other loved ones because of your habit?