Confessions of a Heartbreaker (16 page)

But I refrain from any outward displays of jubilation because there's no way in hell I'm going to explain the whole Natalie predicament to her. I'm no rocket scientist, but even I know that would be bad for business. And clearly Jordan's already irritated with me- no need to exacerbate the situation with the truth. Because let's face it- chicks don't want to know that you were getting busy with another girl less than thirty minutes prior to being with them. Especially (and this is key) when you blew them off to do it. So, we're just going to keep that little bit of information on the down low.

Placing her hands on her hips, she arches a brow in my direction.

Man, I wish she wouldn't look at me like that because let me tell you- I'm about to become a man of steel over here. And that could be a little bit embarrassing. For her that is, because I'm just so damn happy that Parker Jr. (remember- no judging) is back and in full force.

All systems are go, Houston.
I repeat-
all systems are go.

"So," I begin, "you're probably wondering what I'm doing here." Then I add somewhat awkwardly, "You know, at this time of night." Yep, I am one smooth operator...
not.
I almost wince at my own ineptness.

If it's possible, her brow arches even higher. I'm starting to wonder if she knows exactly what kind of effect she has on me because she certainly loves to push my buttons. Damn, but I wish she would push my button- of course, it's really more of a huge-

"I don't have the slightest clue as to why you're here, Parker."

Yep, totally frosty. But I was expecting that. I can combat frosty. Well, with most girls, I can.

As I look into her guarded eyes, I don't know- there's something about her that makes me want to chip away at her iciness. And trust me- what I did tonight certainly won't be helping matters in that department.

Nope, in fact it probably added a few more months onto the war effort.

"I just wanted to apologize for ditching you." Even as the words are sliding off my tongue, I have no idea where I'm going with this apology. I shouldn't have baled on her. I mean, I know why I did it... but still, it was wrong. I shouldn't have freaked out like that. It was immature and childish.

Whoa!  Did I seriously just think that?
 Maybe I need to sit down, I think I'm starting to feel light headed.

She shrugs her shoulders like it doesn't really matter. "You don't owe me any explanations. We weren't going to do anything other than hang out. It's no big deal."

Then why does it feel like such a big deal?

I stare into her eyes and even though she has a boyfriend and we're just friends- well, sort of, I guess, there's something between us. I can feel it and I'd bet my damn life she can feel it too.

"Yeah, well, I feel bad about how I did it."

I expect her to shrug it off again but she doesn't. Instead she sighs. "I guess you can't help being a jerk. It's just your nature."

One small chuckle escapes from me as I watch her turn away. For just a moment my heart squeezes because I think she's going back into the house. And I'm not done doing whatever it is I came here to do. I need things to be okay between us. But she doesn't head back inside. Instead she walks towards the darkened backyard.

When I don't move, she turns towards me. "You coming?"

Oh, there are so many different ways I could respond to that question but I refrain. See?
Not
childish and immature. Well, not all the time. After all, I am still Parker Montgomery. I can't really be expected to grow up overnight. But this girl has somehow made me want to be more than what I've always been. Does that even make sense? I guess I want to be...
better.

You know, like- Parker Montgomery 2.0.

Hmm, I kind of like the sound of that. It has a nice ring.

So, like the infatuated puppy I am, I scramble to catch up with her. The yard, like her house, is huge. All rolling green lawn and trees. Near the back of the property line is a large wooden play structure. It must have been left behind by the previous family since Jordan doesn't have any younger siblings. Without a word spoken between us, she sits on the plastic seat and starts arcing very slowly back and forth. The tip of her shoes drag in the grass. I watch her for a moment before I move to the swing next to her.

"Is this thing going to hold me?" Because seriously, I'm not so sure it will. And the last thing I need is to make an even bigger idiot of myself. Which, clearly, I have a knack for doing.  Around her.

One corner of her mouth tugs upwards. "Well, we're certainly going to find out, aren't we?"

"That's not exactly reassuring."

"It wasn't meant to be." She arcs a little more and her swing moves with more speed. "Anyway, you totally deserve to be dropped on your ass. I think it might do you some good. Knock some sense into your brain."

Gingerly I lower myself down onto the yellow plastic seat before testing my full weight. I think I just heard something creak. Is that what groaning wood sounds like right before it snaps in half?

"So, you
are
mad at me."

"I'm not mad." She's quiet for a moment. "More like disappointed."

Now why does that feel so much worse? If I had a tail, I'd definitely be tucking it between my legs right about now.

Part of me just wants to explain why I ditched her but... I think I'd just come off sounding stupid. Half the time, I'm pretty sure that Jordan just barely tolerates me. She's a hard person to read. And even though I might like her, she has a boyfriend. She's certainly never hidden that fact from me. We're not in any way, shape, or form in a relationship. Of any kind. So, yeah, in the name of self-preservation, I'm keeping my little freak out to myself.

"I'm sorry."

Her swing slowly comes to a halt as I turn mine towards her. She does the same so that we're facing one another. Our knees brush and for a long moment we simply hold each other's eyes.

Would you believe that I find this situation more of a turn on than what I was doing with Natalie about an hour ago? Yep, I'm totally into this girl and what I've come to realize tonight is that no one else is going to be able to make me forget about her. I'm going to have to ride this one out and see what happens.

"It's fine."

"How about we get together some other time?"

My words seem to hang in the air as she stares off into the surrounding darkness before finally dragging her green, cat-like eyes back to mine. Something inexplicable arrows straight through me. I'd love to crack a good boner joke right about now but I can't. My mouth is too damn dry for me to do anything other than silently return her gaze.

I'll be honest- I've never felt anything like this in my life. And it's scary. Like
Thirty Days of Night
scary. And trust me- that movie scared the damn crap out of me. If there were some way to pull myself out of this, I would have done it by now. In a heartbeat. But I've tried that already. And it didn't work.

"I don't think that's such a good idea," she says softly.

"Why not?"

"I think you know the answer to that."

Still holding her eyes, I shake my head. But, yeah, I'm pretty sure I know why. "Tell me." I want to hear her say the words. I'm wondering if she's brave enough because I know I'm not.

She doesn't say anything for a long moment and I start to wonder if she'll even give me an answer at all. But here's the thing about Jordan. And yeah, it just so happens to be a huge turn on. She doesn't play games (unlike me) and she's fearless. The way I turned tail and ran this afternoon has unfortunately demonstrated that I'm not exactly fearless.  Truth be told, she scares the crap out of me. But I'm man enough to admit it.  At least to myself anyway.

"Because I don't want to like you any more than I already do."

Her softly spoken words have my heart stuttering. "Why not?" I can't help but ask. Is it because of Hartley? Is it because she loves him and doesn't want to ruin what they have together? That just makes me want to kick his ass even more than I already do. Or is it something else? Are there other reasons?

"I don't trust you."

Her softly spoken words knock the air right out of my lungs.  And they’re surprisingly painful to hear.

"I don't trust you not to hurt me."

What can I really say to that? Because you know what? She's right.

"Chris won't hurt me. He couldn't possibly hurt me."

She doesn't elaborate as to why Hartley can't hurt her but I think I know the reason. He may be her boyfriend but he isn't holding onto very much of her. He gets only what she's willing to give him and nothing more.

"I wouldn't hurt you either," I whisper because I want the words to be true. For her, I actually want them to be true.  But, even as I say them, I know they're a lie.

She smiles just a bit sadly. "I don't think you could do anything
other
than hurt me."

Chapter Fourteen

Staring up at the stars, I pause, trying to buy myself a little bit more time before I respond. The unfortunate part is that she's probably right. I mean, we all know she is.  At this point, I'm not even sure if
I
trust myself not to royally screw things up between us. To not hurt her like she's expecting me to.

But here's the thing- I want that chance.

That didn't exactly come out right.  What I meant to say is that I want the chance to make whatever-this-could-be-between-us work. And this is about more than just me trying to get into her pants.  Because I think I want something more.

Trust me, I've never been interested in permanent. And I've always considered permanent to be anything that lasts longer than a few hours spent rolling around on a bed... or a floor... or in the front seat of a car that doesn't have a gear shift.  I think you get the picture.

Now, before you start thinking that I'm no longer the Parker Montgomery you've come to know and crush on, you need to take a serious reality check because yeah, I totally want to get into this girl's pants.

Oh come on, you know I do.  In the worst possible way. That chick makes me pitch a major tent in my jeans every single time I'm around her. Which is a huge (you know it is- wink-wink) relief after what, um, you know, happened before... with someone who we shan't be mentioning.

Ever.

The point I’m trying to make is that I think I just might be interested in a lot more than that with Jordan.  Which is exactly what makes this situation unchartered territory for me. In the past, once I've scored with a girl- I'd pretty much be done with them. A little hit it and quit it.  I hate to say it, but maybe Jordan wasn't
totally
wrong about the whole Kleenex metaphor she used to describe my interactions with the ladies. But I still maintain that I have never abused a single one of them. If anything, quite a number of them are just as guilty of being users and abusers as I am. No-
was
. We're definitely talking past tense here. I'm a reformed chick user now. Hell, we all saw how I walked (okay-
ran
) away from the whole I'm-going-to-get-a-lap-dance-featuring-the-super-awesome-and-practically-naked-Natalie-Cosgrove earlier this evening.

And I turned that down!
Me, Parker Montgomery-
I totally walked away from girl nakedness!
Willingly
.

Not many dudes in the same position (horizontal) would make that kind of hard decision. Of course, it wasn't exactly
hard
at the time... Actually it was fairly flaccid. Talk about a real mood killer. Alright, I just need to reiterate one more time that something like that has never happened to me before and will, more than likely never, ever happen again.

To me
.

Okay, moving on.

I almost wish I could show Jordan just how serious I am about us being together by sharing that little tidbit of information but I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be a good idea.  She might not view the whole Naked Natalie episode in the same light as I do. Because, seriously, I was like a freaking superhero fighting off the powers of nakedness evil in the form of a hot chick with awesome tits and a tight body pressed up against me. And that just so happens to be my kryptonite. And I totally fought that shit off.

Freaking superhero status alright. All I need is a cape.  And theme music.  Yeah, I definitely need some theme music. 

That being said, I'm still going to keep that information under wraps. A dude could seriously get himself injured if a girl decided to take something like that the wrong way. After all, I've seen Cuckoo-For-Cocoa-Puffs go psycho crazy all over Max's dumb ass because he was looking sideways at another girl. Okay, so maybe he did a little more than that. Whatever... I think you get the point. So, I guess for the time being, I'm going to error on the side of caution and keep that little indiscretion to myself. Because honestly, in the end, I did the right thing.