Clouded Innocence (17 page)

I huffed. “But I have rested all day,” I whined.

He laughed at my response. “Did you ever think that maybe the reason you rested all day was because I have been keeping you up all night?” He paused, staring at me while I pondered what he said. It made sense. I had been very tired lately. 

“Fine!” A smile took over his face at my statement. “Will you stay with me?”
 

“As long as we put clothes back on because lying like this next to you makes me want to do all sorts of things, but sleep is not one of them.”
 

I blushed. I was glad it was dark so he could not see it. We dressed then crawled into bed, back into each other’s arms.

* * *

When I awoke the next morning I reached over for Conner but again my hand only found emptiness. I now understood how Conner felt with me sneaking out on him every morning. He had done it twice to me thus far and the feeling was not getting any better, in fact I was finding it rather annoying. I reached up and touched my head. My hair was matted to it with sweat. I quickly sat up, which was a giant mistake. I dropped down on the floor and got sick in my nice clean bowl, which I was extremely grateful for.

“Still sick, I see.” Mary observed as she walked in. 

“Yes,” I groaned wiping away the vomit from my mouth. Mary leaned down for my bowl. “I do not understand. I was doing so much better last night.”
 

She looked at me curiously as if there was something she thought of or wanted to say, dismissing it she returned to her task. “Well, looks like your father will be summoning the doctor today. He will get to the bottom of your illness,” she spoke with confidence.
 

I hoped so. I had barely eaten anything in over a day. Where was my body finding things to vomit? At this rate I could be throwing up my stomach by lunch time.

Mary left the room carrying away my bowl. She stopped outside the door, whispering to someone. She looked back at me, nodded to the person then walked away. The door opened again revealing Conner looking as handsome as ever. I was glad that he had not caught whatever illness I had. I would feel so guilty if he got sick because of me. Conner closed the distance between us, coming to rest on the edge of my bed.

“So, Mary tells me you will be getting a visit from the good doctor soon. I bet you will be as good as new by tomorrow,” he smiled at me reassuringly but I could see the doubt lingering in his eyes.
 

“I am sure your right.” I smiled back at him.

After Conner left I picked up a book from the pile next to my bed needing something to occupy my time while I waited for the doctor’s arrival. It was one I had not thumbed through yet. As I opened it up some old looking parchment fell. I turned the book over in my hands noticing its binding was coming undone. It showed that the papers had been in there for a while. Curiosity getting the better of me, I could not resist looking through what had fallen into my lap.

My heart began to race as I realized what I had were letters written by my mother.

My Darling Peter,

It has been days since I have seen you. My father has been becoming more suspicious of my walks and it has been almost impossible to get away to just be able to write you. It breaks my heart knowing that he disapproves of our relationship for all the wrong reasons. My mother is not one bit oblivious to our feelings. She is the one person, besides you, that is on my side.

I wish I could make my father see what an incredible person you are. I know you are staying away from me because you did not want to cause any more problems between my father and I, but I just don’t know how to be without you.

I love you Peter. I cannot stop thinking about the way it feels when I am with you. It thrills me the way your fingers graze my skin or the warmth of your lips. I am done hiding. I want to be with you with or without my father’s permission. I know he may disown me, but none of that matters as long as I have you. The other half of my soul and there will never be anyone else for me.

Please do not give up on us.

Love always,

Your Josephine

I felt a tear escape my eye. It did not make sense. My father had said he and my mother had been arranged to marry, but according to this my grandfather was dead set against the union. Eager to know what else was written I grabbed the next.

My Peter,

After last night, thoughts of you have made a dwelling in my mind from which there is no reprieve. I never knew something could be so terrifying and yet so perfect. It was the most incredible moment of my entire life. I understand why it is demeaned inappropriate for unmarried people. I am sure if they all new how wonderful it could be there would be no stopping them. Rules of propriety be damned. I want you to know that I do not regret it. Even if my family found out and my reputation was ruined, know that I will never regret you being the first to ever know me in such a way. For your touch to be the first to cause me such immense pleasure. And I look forward to experiencing it with you many more times in the future because I know now that you will be the only one to ever hold me, touch me, and caress me in such an intimate way.

I am yours. Forever,

Josephine

I stared at the letter, shocked and certainly more confused. It was becoming obvious that my father had lied to me about his and my mother’s relationship. I definitely never knew my parents had had an inappropriate relationship. I did not know how I felt about it all except that I was furious for my father’s lie. My parents had shared a similar relationship to Conner and me. It did not make sense why my father lied. I understood that you would not want your children to make your mistakes, but how could he use a lie to manipulate me. Deciding that I was not ready to deal with this information, I shoved the letters back into the book and placed it back on the floor.

Around lunch time, Mary ushered the good doctor into my room, Madison followed right on his heels. Her eyes widen with a smile on her face. She seemed to be finding humor in my situation. I was glad she was here though. Maybe having her around would help lighten the mood for me.

“You want her in here?” The doctor asked pointing to Madison. 

I nodded. I did not like the idea of being alone with him either.
 

He did not seem happy about Madison but he left it alone. The doctor started by feeling my head, checked my heart beat then probed my body with his fingers. He asked me a series of questions. At the end of the examination, the doctor pulled up a seat next to the bed. Madison came to sit by my head on the bed. The doctor sat there for a few moments in silence contemplating what to say. I was beginning to worry as the silence grew. There was no noise. It was so quiet I was sure I would be able to hear a pin drop. What was so wrong with me that the doctor had to find the correct words, possible for me to find comfort in? I wanted something, anything, to break the ever expanding silence, but what he said was something I was completely unprepared for.

“All right missy, you want to tell me who you have been fooling around with?” My heart lurched into my throat, pounding so hard I was almost positive that if I opened my mouth it would launch itself out and across the room.

“Beg your pardon?” I barely uttered the words. I was completely baffled by his question. I looked up at Madison for some reassurance but her face said the same thing I felt. Shock.
 

“Do not play coy with me. I know you have been plucked.”
 

I shook my head. “I...do not...”
 

He huffed, breaking off my words, “You are with child, Francesca.”
 

I gaped at him. My heart sank into my stomach and I could feel the nausea rising again. Oh no, my father would kill me. And what about Conner?
Oh god!
Father would kill him too. I could not look at Maddy, but I felt her inhale a deep breath at the doctor’s words that she still had not released. 

“No! It can't be...”

“When was the last time you bled?” He asked bluntly. 

My face reddened at his forwardness. I thought about it for a moment then shook my head. “I, ah... I do not remember.” In the weeks of being with Conner was there any time where he and I had to break from our intimacy? No and I had never thought anything of it. The doctor exhaled a deep breath then gave me a knowing look. “You are not going to tell my father, are you?” I asked my voice cracked with fear.
 My question was my own admission. I knew I could deny that I was carrying Conner’s child until I was blue in the face, but denial would not change the fact.
Oh my god! I was carrying Conner’s child
. A little piece of him mingled with a piece of me was growing inside of me. The thought made me joyful until the doctor spoke bringing me back to the reality where my father was going to kill Conner and me both.

He sighed. His voice taking on a gentler tone, “Do you really think you can keep something like this from him?” I looked down at the floor. No, I suppose I would not be able to hide it for long. “Yes, I have to tell him Francesca. I am truly sorry.” I was not sure if he was sorry that he had to tell my father or that he was sorry for the news or maybe it was the entire situation. Whichever it was, after he gave his condolence he got up and left leaving Maddy and I alone.
 

“Maddy!” I looked up into her face. My body was shaking with fear.
 

“I know Francesca. It is going to be alright.” Her voice did not sound very reassuring.
 

I shook my head at her words. I knew she was trying to comfort me, but hearing a lie did not help ease way my panic. “Go, find Conner. Keep him away. Please!” She nodded before leaving. She did not argue or say another word. I do not think she wanted to be in this room any more than I did at the moment.

Not knowing what else to do and needing a distraction, I lifted the book containing my mother’s letters with shaky hands and read the next one.

My future husband,

Tomorrow is the day when you will finally be mine and I cannot wait. Although I have been yours since the moment you first told me you loved me. Now before god and our families we will be united. We will be able to move forward and finally start our lives together. My mother could not be happier for us. She always knew that I would never choose anyone other than you. I have never been more appreciative of her than I was when she finally convinced my father that his prejudices were just that. That he had no real good reason for us not to be together besides your lack of fortune. But whether we are rich or poor I will love you all the same.

I am glad that this is behind us. I just hope it is something we both remember with our own children. We must remember when the time comes we will have to step aside and hope we raised them well enough to trust them to make the right decision and to do the right thing.

I look forward to being your wife and the mother of our future children.

With all my love,

Josephine

Tomorrow your wife Mrs. de Bella

I sat there, taking long, deep breaths, trying my best to calm my nerves and not to think. I closed the book but held on to the letter I had just finished, praying it would give me courage. I heard the commotion only moments before my father burst into my room. The door swung open, slamming into the wall behind it with a loud crack. Anger radiated through him, on top of his commanding presence would have anyone shaking in their boots. Lilly followed quietly behind him, sympathy leaking from her expression. 

“Who?” Was all he said, but there was no way of misunderstanding what he wanted answered.
 He did not ask, he was demanding an answer.

Tear welled up in my eyes making it difficult for me to focus on anything.

“Francesca!” He bellowed making me jump. I would not look at him. I could not for fear I would break. “You will tell me,” he demanded, lowering the volume but still keeping his angry tone that suggested he was not to be trifled with. I had heard it too many times growing up, but the edge to it was something different, something new and much more terrifying.

I peeked up at the still opened door, letting the tears stream down my face, making it easier to see. I saw Steven standing in the entry way. He was leaning against the frame. Our eyes connected briefly and I saw sympathy in them. He turned as Conner and Maddy made their way to the door. Maddy was walking backwards trying to push against Conner’s chest but she was not budging him. Steven leaned in and whispered something to Conner when he made his way to him. Fear then anger seeped across Conner face. His blue gaze found me across the distance and we stared at one another. Then Conner tried to push past Steven.
 

“No!” I exhaled.
 

It was to both Conner and my father. Steven managed to pull Conner away from the door. My eyes darted to Lilly, who seemed to be aware of the commotion outside the door then I locked my gaze back on the ground.
 

“How could you do this Francesca? Your mother, god rest her soul, would be so disappointed.”