Choices (19 page)

TWENTY-SEVEN

Jack woke up to the sound of his phone on the coffee table. Kenleigh was wrapped around him sleeping. He wrapped his arms around her to reposition them. Sleeping with her made him feel guilty. He used her. What made him feel worse was the fact that she let him.

He was able to grab his phone without disturbing Kenleigh. She nestled in closer once he relaxed again. He had several missed calls from Paxton. No doubt the voicemails were from her as well. She had also texted him a few times. He took a deep breath. Something was wrong, he felt it deep within his chest. He slid out from Kenleigh’s side. He needed to find out what Paxton needed.

Jack stepped into the kitchen. He started making coffee as he dialed to retrieve his voicemail. The first two Paxton pleaded for him to call her as soon as he could. She didn’t say what was wrong, but she was upset with something she said it was about Duke. The third she just hung up. Jack hadn’t heard her this upset since Ella’s funeral. He then looked at the text messages. The mirrored her voicemail pleas to call her back. His interest peaked. What happened to Duke?

He called Duke’s number. It ran but no answer. He didn’t bother leaving a voicemail. He tried again, no answer. He texted him. He waited for a response but nothing came. A very bad feeling washed over Jack. He knew he had to call Paxton and find out what happened.

He only heard one ring before her voice, “Jack?”

“It’s me.”

“I’m so glad you called.”

Jack could hear the strain in her voice, she was trying not to cry. “Yeah, you said it was about Duke, is he okay?”

Her sob broke through, “Physically yes.”

“What happened?”

“He found out.”

“About us, he knows about us. I called him.”

Paxton was silent for moment, “Everything is so bad right now.”

“What are you talking about Paxton?”

Her sniffles were her response. Whatever it was, he knew Duke must be in a bad place emotionally. “Paxton? What the hell happened?”

“I…I, oh god what did I do?”

“Dammit, tell me what is going on!” He raised his voice.  He heard shuffling behind him. He turned and found Kenleigh standing there.

“He found out about the baby, his baby,” more sobs escaped her.

Jack froze. Could it be that Paxton was pregnant and didn’t tell him? The look on his face must have said something was totally wrong because Kenleigh moved towards him. She pleaded for some sign of what the call was about.

“What do you mean his baby?” he growled at her. No response. “Paxton, if you don’t answer, I swear-”

“Ella was pregnant when she died. I was the only one who knew.”

Jack closed his eyes and sighed. Ending the call, it took every ounce of control not to throw it across the room.

She lied to everyone. She kept a secret she had no right to keep. He immediately called Duke. Still no answer. “I know what happened Duke, call me when you get this.”

Jack slammed his phone on the counter. He hung his head and Kenleigh wrapped her arms around him. She didn’t say anything and it only made him feel worse. He must have woken her up. He took a deep breath trying to calm himself. He needed to talk to Duke, he needed to check on him but he was not answering.

“Hey,” Kenleigh squeezed him. “What was that about?”

Jack sighed and turned wrapping his arms around her. “I need to go to Kansas.”

“Jack you cannot keep chasing her-”

“It’s not her this time, I need to check on Duke,” irritation filled his voice.

“What happened?” Kenleigh pulled back to look at him.

“Paxton, uh, I don’t know. She kept the secret about Duke’s baby from him and he just found out.”

“Why are you getting involved? She’s the pregnant one. You should be done with her now, she made her decision.”

“Kitten, he’s my best friend. I have to go help him out because it was Ella who was pregnant, not Paxton. I just need to go see him. Yesterday was Ella’s anniversary, I’m sure he’s in hell right now.”

“Stop cleaning up her messes, but go be with your friend. He must really need you.”

Jack watched Kenleigh walk off. He knew that Kenleigh was tired of this game, she didn’t want to play it anymore. He didn’t want to play either, but he was going to be there for his best friend. Paxton was in the wrong this time and he couldn’t help her but he could help Duke as best as he could. Kenleigh was right though, this was one mess he couldn’t cleanup for her.

***

Paxton sat in her living room. It had been a few days since Jack hung up on her. Duke still wasn’t talking to her. She was alone. Her mother took Link for a couple days as Paxton just needed time alone. Her mother understood her need to keep the secret although Jenny wasn’t happy about it. Paxton stared out the window. She was due back at the hospital today for a late shift. She would be on a 48-hour shift with Steve. She hoped that it would take her mind off of things. She looked at her phone. She desperately wanted to see if Duke was okay but neither he nor Jack would speak to her. It was time for her to go, she needed to get to work.

Paxton walked into the hospital and let the familiar sounds comfort her. She dropped her stuff off in her office and sat in her chair. She checked her emails but nothing new came in. She put on her lab coat and went to see if Steve was in yet. She knocked on his door.

“Come in,” she heard through the door.

She peeked through the door before entering. Steve gave her a smile but it quickly faded as she didn’t return it. She didn’t want to have to pretend with Steve.

“You okay?”

Paxton sat down and looked at him. She was not going to cry over her situation. She made a choice and now she has to deal with the fallout. “I made a bad decision a long time ago and now it’s coming back to bite me.”

“Anything I can do to help?”

Paxton gave him a half smile, “Unfortunately not, this is something
that I can’t even fix. I just have to deal with it.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

Paxton looked at his name plate, losing herself in her thoughts. “If you were to have a child and lose it, would you want to know right away or be spared the pain of knowing because only one person knew about it and that was the person who was pregnant?”

Steve was silent. Paxton didn’t dare look up at him. She didn’t want to see the reaction to her question, if it made sense at all. She shifted in her seat still waiting for the answer.

“I would want to know, better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”

“Does that even fit here?” Paxton asked.

“Yes, I would love my baby the moment I found out about it.”

Paxton didn’t know what to say. She never thought about that but Ella was gone, Duke didn’t know. He would have been in more pain, that’s what she was trying to avoid. Paxton just needs to talk to him, to make him understand why she kept it from him. He was going through hell and she put him there.

“Paxton?”

She looked up at Steve. She heard the question that wasn’t asked. She tried to hold the tears in her eyes but they spilled over. “It was Ella’s baby and I never told Duke. I never told a soul. Then he came over and I was battling my feelings about Jack and I just pushed Duke away. He insisted he loved me and I had enough. I let it slip about the baby without even thinking about it. You should have seen the look on his face.” She shook her head trying to dispel the image. “He left in the same manner Jack did. Jack’s words repeated in my head.”

Before they could go any further in the conversation, their pagers went off. Paxton quickly wiped her face and took a deep breath. She followed Steve out of the office.

TWENTY-EIGHT

Paxton threw herself on the couch. She just got home from her 48-hour shift at the hospital. She had picked up Link from her mother’s. He was excited to be home and she heard him running around the house. She still hadn’t heard from Duke or Jack. She sent both a couple messages. She wished one of them would answer. She still just wanted to explain herself to them. She really did want to protect Duke from feeling more pain. A knock on the door startled her. Link barked and came running to the door.

She wasn’t expecting anyone. She looked through the peep hole and saw Jack standing there. She didn’t even know he was in town. She unlocked and opened the front door.

“Hey.”

“Can I come in? We need to talk.”

She opened the door all the way and let him in. Link was at her side immediately. She scratched behind his ears to let him know Jack was okay.

“When did you get in?”

“Doesn’t matter,” he turned to face her.

“So you’ve been here since I called you?” Paxton knew that was the only logical explanation.

Jack stared at her. She could see his answer lying behind his stare. “I need you to tell me why you kept the secret.”

“How’s Duke doing? I never meant for him to find out.”

“Well he did, Paxton. You told him so please, just answer the fucking question,” he raised his voice. Paxton shrank back.

“I wanted to spare him the pain,” she said quietly. She was unable to look at him.

“Really? Spare him the pain? How about the hell he is in now? You fucking sent him to his own private hell.”

“I didn’t mean to-”

“You kept his child from him!
You
decided he didn’t need to know. You
decided
to leave him in the dark. It was not your decision to make!” Jack was in a full on rage.

Paxton felt the tears slide down her face. Link was growling at her side, she gave him a hand signal to be quiet as her own anger built up, “Because he watched Ella die! I didn’t want him to think about watching his unborn child die as well! I wanted him to spare him the pain! I wanted him to live in the memories and not the what-should-have-beens!”  She turned and headed towards the office.

“You should have told him. He is having nightmares. He is struggling Paxton.”

“I need to see him.”

“What you
need
is to leave him the hell alone. He doesn’t need you around right now when he’s trying to process this.”

“Jack please-”

“
Paxton
, stay the hell away, I’m warning you,” he pointed his finger at her. He started to walk around her. She reached out to him but he jerked his arm away from her.

“Jack, please.”

“I need to go.” He walked out of the door and Paxton fell to floor. This scene was all too familiar to her. She rocked herself. She wished she could take Duke’s pain away, take Jack’s anger away. She was responsible for it all because of a choice she made after losing Ella.

***

It had been almost a month since the confrontation with Jack at the house. Paxton still hadn’t heard from either of them. Duke blocked her number after the first week. Jack however, he just sent her to voicemail. She had dropped by Duke’s apartment but he had moved out. Where he moved to, she didn’t know. Paxton didn’t even know if Jack was still in town. Paxton wondered if they moved in together or if Jack went back to New York.

“Paxton?” Dr. Keeler’s voice brought her back to reality.

“I’m sorry, what was the question?”

“I was asking about your feelings about Jack and Duke. Where your feelings stand about them. ”

“I love them both. I really do, but they both hate me so it doesn’t matter. Neither one wants anything to do with me. I mean, I expected Duke to walk away but Jack, I guess I didn’t realize how it would affect him.”

“How did you expect Jack to react to you?”

Paxton sat there. She didn’t know what she was expecting from Jack. He and Duke obviously had been working on their friendship. He came to Duke’s side after she called him to get his help. She wasn’t sure if he would have actually helped at the time but she was grateful that Duke was letting someone close to him.

“Paxton?”

“I don’t know.”

“You had to have some sort of feeling this wouldn’t go over well.”

“I don’t know how I expected him to react, I’m just tired of all the secrets and lies! I just want them both back. I want my old life back!”

Dr. Keeler stayed silent. Paxton was thankful that she was able to schedule a few appointments with her. Paxton felt herself slipping back into her dark place. She was still under supervision at the hospital. She didn’t want to mess anything up there so she just needed to talk to someone who would understand. She refused to be the weak one. She was going to rebuild her life.

“Listen, I have been in contact with Jack. He reached out to me.”

“Did you tell him I was back in my sessions?”

“No, but he did ask for a joint session with you. He said he wanted to discuss a few things in a neutral setting.”

Paxton didn’t know how to respond to what Dr. Keeler just told her. Jack wanted to talk to her. Her heart kicked into gear. It was beating against her ribs. She felt a nervous rush go through her. What did he need to say that he had to be on neutral ground?

“Do you want to join him in a session?”

Paxton looked up. She was sure fear was reflecting in her eyes, “Yes.”

“I’ll let him know and we can set up a time. I know you are back at the hospital, so do you want to schedule for a session you already have scheduled?

“Yes, if it’s possible.”

“How is work going?”

Paxton didn’t want the subject change. She wanted to talk more about Jack. “Good. I should be getting off of probation soon. I’m ready to do my own surgeries.”

“Have you been back to O.R. where Ella’s surgery occurred?”

“I have one scheduled tomorrow in there. It will be the first time I will step foot in that room since Ella died.”

“How are you feeling about that?”

“I have mixed feelings. I know I have to face it and I think I’m ready, but I’m scared. What if I fall apart? The emotions are raw right now, especially with everything going on with Duke. It’s in the forefront of my mind, but if I want to keep my job, I can’t show anything but professionalism and competence as a surgeon.”

“I see. How are you preparing for the room?”

“I will focus on the patient just like every other time. I will push away personal problems. I just hope that I can keep my thoughts from wandering as I am assisting. It’s going to be an exploratory surgery. Much like Ella’s was when we were trying to stop the bleeding.”

“What will you do if you have flashbacks and need to escape?”

“Steve will be watching. He has an extra surgeon on standby. They don’t want to push me into it yet. I have been fine in the other O.R.s so far, so I am expecting it to be fine. I have seen other surgeries, other traumas coming in. I managed to keep my memories at bay and focus on my task at hand.”

“Good, good. We will have to discuss this at your next session, see how it went,” she smiled.

The buzzer went off before either of them decided to continue. She watched Dr. Keeler put her pen and notepad aside. She stared over at Paxton. Paxton felt as if she wanted to say something but she was hesitating.

“So when are you talking to Jack?” Paxton asked.

“I’ll call him after my next appointment. Are you sure you are ready for this? He wants to talk about what happened and this could get very emotionally charged.”

“Yes, as much as I want to make sure Duke’s okay, I can’t stand the thought of Jack never talking to me again. I need to hear his voice, I need to see what he’s thinking. I need to know I haven’t completely lost him because it will kill me.”

“You still love him deeply.” She was speaking as her friend now.

“Yes, I just want him back.”

“So what about Duke?”

“Duke has a special place in my heart. It kills me to think I have hurt him this bad, but Jack,” Paxton shuddered.

A buzzing noise from her desk phone went off. Dr. Keeler sighed. “My next appointment is waiting. We’ll talk soon.”

Paxton got up. Her thoughts were now clouded with the possibilities of how the session with Jack would go. She wondered how Duke was doing, she wanted to see them both but she had no earthly idea where they were. She walked out to her car not sure if she was ready to go back to her empty house. She even booted Link out for the last couple of days. She felt bad because she couldn’t look at Link without remembering the night she spent with Duke. She climbed in her car and turned the ignition. Her life seemed so disorganized and messy. She decided to go see Ella.