Choices (18 page)

TWENTY-FIVE

Paxton watched her mom drive away. Jenny wanted to get home before the roads got bad. Paxton called for Link who was out doing his business once more. She was hoped her mother would make it home safe as the look of her driveway it was getting slushy out. The roads would surely be the same. Ryan had called and they canceled dinner. They all didn’t want to be out on the road when it looked like it might get worse.

She walked back inside and started a fire. She knew they were in for a cold night and a fire would be nice. Paxton was thankful that Jack taught her how to start a good one. She watched the fire grow and smiled. Link curled up on the hardwood floors by the hearth. He was warming up after rolling around in the slush. She set a bone by him just in case he got the urge to chew on something. The last time he had an urge to chew, it was on her most comfortable pair of tennis shoes. Paxton walked back to the kitchen. She wanted a nice cup of tea to help warm her up by the fire. She wanted to curl up with a good book and just relax. It had been a long day with her mother and Ella. With her cup of tea in hand, Paxton slowly made her way back to the living room. She set her cup down on the table and headed into the library.

Paxton ran her fingers along the spines of the books. After looking
at a few titles, she didn’t want to read a romance. It would only lead her thoughts back to Jack and Duke. She felt the worn spines of her books. She smiled at the thought of how many time she read and re-read some of the books. She decided upon a mystery novel. She plucked it from its place on the shelf. She smiled knowing that this was one of her favorite mysteries. A fictional story about a serial killer, how he tries to blend in with society while preying on the innocent. She walked back out to the living room and sat on the couch. Tucking her legs under her, she set the book on the arm of the couch and grabbed her tea to bring it to the end-table closest to her.

She was halfway through her book when she heard her front door open. She marked her page and got up to see who was walking in. There were only three people with keys to the house, herself, her mother and Duke. Surely her mother didn’t come all the way back here. She peered around the corner and saw Duke walking in.

“Um, hi?” She was surprised to see him here unannounced.

Duke spun and looked at her. She could tell he was having a rough day. Dark circles were under his eyes. They were the same ones she saw earlier today at the gas station. He looked disoriented as he stared at her. He didn’t say anything.

“Are you alright?” she asked him hoping to get a response.

Paxton saw tears forming in his eyes. She knew this was about Ella. She recognized that dark place he seemed to be in. It was the one she just escaped over the last year. Duke stepped towards her. Paxton stood still in the doorway to the living room.

She felt his hands cup her face as his lips claimed hers. She froze in place unsure of what to do. He broke the kiss as quick as he started it. His hands still cupped her face and she looked into his eyes. They were slightly glazed over but there was serious emotion behind them. Paxton could see the pain he was in, the passion for her behind them. She could also smell the alcohol on his breath.

Duke pulled her back towards him. She wasn’t sure what to do. Her
heart ached for him. He obviously needed her right now but her thoughts quickly jumped to Jack and what he would think. She couldn’t keep going back and forth between them. She knew Jack still held her heart and even though she hasn’t heard from him in a while.

“Duke-”

“No, please, just let me have tonight. I just need you tonight. Don’t make your choice right now. Please. Let me have you. Let me have this one moment.”

Paxton didn’t know how to respond. She knew that Duke wouldn’t possibly love her if he knew her secret about the baby. He wouldn’t give a second glance to her.
He loves you though
. Her conscience made its presence known once more. Maybe he would actually understand why she kept it from him. She was so hung up on the secret, what if she was missing a good thing with Duke?

Her thoughts were interrupted by Duke’s hands dropping from her face and gripped her hips. He trailed soft kisses from her temple, down to her cheeks, her jaw, down her neck and onto her shoulder.

“I can’t,” she whispered stepping away from him. She couldn’t look him in the eye. She stared at the floor.

She heard Duke sigh in frustration. She turned to face the living room. Paxton couldn’t handle looking at him. She felt warmth collide with her back. Duke wrapped his arms around her.

“What does Jack have that I don’t have? I have been there for you, I have dried your tears, held you when he left, I was just there for you. I told you I would wait but I can’t anymore. I think you are scared to make me your choice. You are scared that you are too broken. You are scared because Ella was my wife. Don’t be scared. Make me your choice.”

Paxton choked up. He was pleading but was it the alcohol?

“Pax, just tell me to leave you alone and I will. Tell me that you don’t want me, I will walk out and never bother you again,” his voice was firm and Paxton felt his hands grip her upper arms, holding her in place. His chin rested on her head as he waited for his answer.

Paxton didn’t know what to say, she didn’t want to hurt him. She tried to get out of his grip but he only tightened it. Paxton shut her eyes and ripped her arms from his grip. No doubt red marks would appear. She looked at him with tears in her eyes.

“I can’t tell you why we can’t be together. It will make everything so real,” she shouted at him. She tried to walk past him but he grabbed her arm. She froze in place, unable to look at him. Tears were falling.

Link leapt up and ran to her side growling at Duke. For only being with her for a couple months now, he has grown very protective of her. Paxton tried yanking her arm away from him but it didn’t budge. His grip was tightening.

“Duke you’re scaring me, let go.”

“Tell me why we can’t be together.”

“You’ve been drinking. You need to sleep this off.”

“I’ve had a few beers but I am sober enough to know that I want you. I want to be with you, but for some unknown reason, you think that you are not good enough for me. You think you need to be with him because he is the only one who could put you back together. Guess what Paxton? You put your own goddamn self-back together. You only have a few pieces left and I want to help restore those, but you won’t let me. You’d rather have that asshole who divorced you.”

She thought they were supposed to be working on their friendship but he obviously couldn’t get over what Jack done to her. She tried to move again but his grip wouldn’t allow it. Link came closer to her side facing Duke. He was no longer growling but it seemed like he was waiting for Duke to give him a reason to attack him. Paxton was thankful for Link’s protection. It gave her a little bit of courage and strength.

“I can’t be with you because you can’t possibly love me.”

“I love you Paxton Andrews, I love you with every ounce of my heart I have left. You stole it that night at Athens, our first night together. Don’t tell me how to feel about you because there is nothing in this world that would change my mind.” She could see his determination in his eyes. He was throwing the gauntlet down. He was waiting for her to pick up the challenge of loving him.

Paxton searched his eyes, “Because I have been keeping secrets from you. You
can’t
love me, you just can’t!” she snapped at him.

“Make me understand why, Pax. Tell me why you think I can’t love you.” He slightly shook her trying to get it out of her.

“I can’t,” she whispered in defeat.

Duke’s grip disappeared immediately. The growl of frustration filled the silence. The look on his face made Paxton regret her words immediately.

“What are you talking about, just tell me?” He adjusted his stance and gave her a sideways glance. Paxton saw him watching her as he waited for her answer. He was waiting to see if she was lying to him.

Paxton dropped her gaze. “My darkest secret is buried with Ella. I buried your future in the ground!” She couldn’t look at him but she felt his grip loosed a bit.

“Paxton, look at me,” his voice was firm. Paxton didn’t dare look up, he would see the truth in her eyes. “Look. At. Me,” he enunciated each word.

Paxton lifted her gaze, tears formed in her eyes. She looked up and she saw Duke study her as if he were trying to figure out her cryptic message. He said nothing as he continued to stare, searching her eyed for the answer. She saw Duke’s facial expression change before her. He was starting to piece everything together. She didn’t need to say anything to him.

Duke stepped away from her. He shook his head. Paxton stepped towards him and reached out. He dodged her touch. He bent over grabbing his knees and he hung his head. She could see him breathing heavier trying to control his thoughts and emotions.

Duke stood but kept his head down, gaze pinned on the floor. When he brought his head up slightly, enough to lift his gaze at her, she could see the hurt in them. She stepped backwards.

“When you say you
buried
my future, that you have been keeping a secret from me…are you saying,” he paused looking around trying to keep his emotions in check. “What do you mean?”

“Duke-” She tried reaching for him again. He dodged her attempt again.

“Paxton, tell me what you mean.” 

“I can’t,” tears fell down her face. She felt so small. He was so close to figuring it out and she felt her panic rise.

“Tell me, dammit!” he shouted. Paxton flinched and looked away. She knew he wasn’t going to let this go.

“She was pregnant Duke,
” she whispered hoping that this wasn’t really happening now.

Duke let the breath he was hold out. He looked at Paxton as she gave him the final piece to the puzzle he was
putting together. He shook his head and took a few steps away and turned from her. Paxton felt her heart breaking for him. He should not have found out about this, especially today of all days. She watched as he interlaced his fingers behind his head and crouch down. He was trying to hold himself together.

“You knew, all this time you knew she was…we were going to-” He paused again and stood up. He turned to face her. “For
two
fucking
years
, you knew about this. You didn’t tell me, you chose took keep this a secret. I can’t. Oh god, Ella, my baby. Jesus-” Duke turned around and walked out the door.

Paxton let out a sob she was holding in. Duke now knew her darkest secret. He walked out on her. She heard Duke’s truck roar to life and peel out in her driveway. She ran over and looked out the window only to see his taillights disappearing into the night. Jack’s words ran through her head.
You disgust me, I never want to see you again
.

Link whined and stared at her. She looked down at him. Paxton wiped her tears and headed up to her room. Link followed her and curled up next to her as she cried herself to sleep.

TWENTY-SIX

Paxton opened her eyes and listened to the silence around her. Her room was darker than normal. She reached over and grabbed her phone. It was a little before eight in the morning. She sighed and felt like a wrecking ball came crashing down on her. Her life seemed to be in shambles but if she learned anything the past few years, she couldn’t run from her problems. She threw the covers off of her and headed towards the bathroom.

Her reflection in the mirror matched exactly how she felt. Her eyes were red and puffy. The dark circles under her eyes, told the story of how well she slept last night. Her body ached and protested as she moved. Her hair was everywhere. She was a complete mess and she didn’t care. She turned on the water in the shower and made sure it was nice and hot.

Stepping under the stream, she felt the sting against her skin. She knew she was really awake and what happened last night was not a dream. Duke’s face appeared before her. The look in his eyes, she hadn’t seen it since she told him about Ella. She tilted her head back and let the water run through her hair as that look tormented her. She reached for the shampoo. It was the same one he used to wash her hair several times as she soaked in the tub. She lathered it between her hands and proceeded to wash her hair, clean herself. Maybe she would feel better at the end, but Duke’s pained looks, the sight of him crouched down trying to hold it
together. It played over and over in her head. Once she finished washing herself, she stood there.

A knock on her bathroom door pulled her out of her stupor in the shower. She realized that the water was now ice cold. She shut it off and grabbed her towel. Only two people would be able to knock on her door, Duke or Ryan, she was sure it wouldn’t be Duke. A
louder knock sounded this time. She wrapped her towel around her and opened the door. The face that appeared as she opened the door amazed her.

“Duke,” she was in utter shock.

“We need to talk.” His voice was firm, the look on his face meant this wasn’t a pleasant social call.

Paxton opened the door so she could step through and went and sat on her bed. Duke stood there aggravated. He ran his hand through his hair as he paced in front of her. He turned and faced her. He had dark circles under his eyes too. He was still in last night’s clothes. He more than likely didn’t go home. It looked like he was about to say something but then he turned and faced the window. He paced some more. It was like watching a tiger pacing back and forth in its too small cage.

“Duke, I-”

“Don’t
.
” he cut her off. “I don’t
want
your apologies and I sure as
hell
don’t want your sympathy right now.”

Paxton fell silent again, just watching him. She was feeling uncomfortable sitting there in her towel, but she didn’t want to move, she was too scared to. She had prepared for this moment a long time but she never imagined it falling out the way it did. He stopped suddenly and dropped to his knees in front of her. He placed his hands on her thighs and looked her in the eye.

“For two years, you knew?” 

She could tell he was trying to keep himself calm.
Paxton suddenly lost her voice, she didn’t want to hurt him anymore. She cast her eyes down and nodded slightly. She heard him sigh and then his hands were gone. She looked up and saw him by her dresser.

“How could you keep this from me?” He raised his voice. Paxton flinched. She knew she deserved everything she was about to hear.

“I thought it would be better than -”

“
Better
? Are you serious right now Paxton? You kept my child a secret from me!” Anger filled his voice.

“I know!”

“My child, MY child, not yours!”

“Duke, I wanted to spare you the pain of-”

“Of what? Of losing my wife
and
child? Of losing the future I always imagined Ella and I to have?”

Paxton let out a sob and couldn’t respond to him. Nothing she said would matter anyways.

“How far along was she?” He looked at her.

Paxton sat there not knowing what to say.

“How far along was she, dammit!” Paxton flinched as he raised his voice. She had never seen Duke like this before.

“Maybe three months. We didn’t get an ultrasound to determine her due date. She wanted to wait and tell you first so you both could go.”

Paxton felt her heart aching for him. She knew that Ella knew in Texas but she wanted to wait until they were all together so Jack and Duke could celebrate together. Duke would never see the reasoning. He would never see why Paxton decided to keep it to herself.

“What about the other secrets you have been keeping from me?”

“There aren’t any others.”

“Really? Are you sure about that?”
She didn’t miss his mocking tone.

Paxton looked away. She wouldn’t say anything to him about New York, not in this state. “Really, nothing right now.”

He scoffed at her and shook his head. She wasn’t sure what he thought he knew or if he was just testing her. Paxton found a small amount of courage and started towards Duke. He watched her then looked away. When she touched him, trying to wrap her arms around him, he shrugged her off. He left again. She heard the door slam and Link bark from outside.

She padded over to the balcony and saw Link was outside. Duke must have let him out. She decided Link could stay a few moments longer. She picked up her cell and stared at it. She wondered if she could handle any more emotional breakdowns today. She had only been up for about an hour, how much worse can it get?

It rang once, then twice, voicemail picked up. Just hearing Jack’s voice did something to her.
This is Jack, leave a message! Beep.

“Jack its Paxton. Listen, I know we haven’t spoken since…well since the funeral. I need you right now. Please, just please call me back. It’s about Duke.”

She tossed her phone aside and went to get ready for the day. She knew she needed to keep herself busy otherwise she would drive herself crazy with worry about Duke.

***

Jack looked at his desk. His phone flashed Paxton’s name and he couldn’t bring himself to answer it. Over a month he had been rejected, what does she have to say now? He threw out the box of memories he kept in his closet. He moved out of Kenleigh’s and came back to his mother’s house. He had been there for her ever since the funeral, it only made sense that he moved in to help her out. The house was way too big for just her. His phone buzzed, signaling to him that he now had a voicemail. Sighing he got up and reached for the phone. He debated on whether to just delete it without listening or hear what she had to say. He hovered over the button and finally decided just to delete it. She made her point clear when she left without a word, then continued to ignore his calls and texts. He still loved her but there was only so much chasing that he could do.

He stared at his phone a few moments longer and decided to call the one person he could always count on. She answered after two rings.

“Jackster?”

“Hey Kitten.” He found himself already smiling.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing, just needed a distraction from things around me.”

“Oh, want me swing by? I am just about to leave the boutique.”

“You’re working this late?”

“Yeah, you know how we creative people are. When an idea pops in our head, we are fixated on it until it out of our system. I just drew up some new designs.”

“Sexy ones?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

Jack let out a small laugh. Although they were never really serious, his chest ached a bit. He hadn’t seen Kenleigh for about a week now. She stopped by Oasis to help him with some redecorating ideas, check out the bands he booked.

“You okay?” she asked. He realized he had grown silent.

“I miss you.”

“Move back.”

“I can’t, my mother…”

“We both know it’s not because of your mother, she’s just an excuse.”

He winced at her statement. She wasn’t lying. He moved out because of Paxton. He was hoping that she was finally coming back to him and he would be in Kansas with her right now, but here he was, still in New York.

“What are you going to do Jackster?”

“I’m not chasing her anymore if that’s what you are asking.” He waited for her response. He drew in a deep breath and looked out the window.

“You’re done with her?”

“I’ll never be done with her Kitten, never.”

“I know.” Her words hung in the air.

Jack could hear the hurt in her voice. He wished that things were different, that he could really move on with Kenleigh but Paxton permanently carved her way into his heart and there was nothing he could do to extract her.

“Hey listen, I need to close up here.”

“I need you right now, come over when you’re done?”

“How about you meet me at my place?”

Jack thought about it for a moment, but he knew he needed to get out, to take his mind off things. “Okay.”

It didn’t take him long to get to Kenleigh’s house. She wouldn’t let him return his key so he used it to let himself in. He noticed he beat her to the house. He went to the bar area and poured himself a drink. He hadn’t touched one since the funeral and he could sure use one right now. He thought about everything that has happened lately. His father’s death, his mother falling apart, Paxton leaving him without a word. He poured himself a shot after thinking about Paxton.

The liquor burned going down his throat. He grimaced as he poured another. He found himself in his own version of hell. He couldn’t get Paxton back, she was done with him but she was still in his system. Kenleigh sure as hell wanted him but he couldn’t do anything until he could fully commit to her. It wasn’t fair leading her on when he asked her to pretend. She wasn’t pretending on her side before his father’s death. Kenleigh is sure as hell not now. Somewhere along the lines of their friendship, she fell in love with him. He poured another shot. He smacked his lips trying to get the burn to subside. He grabbed his scotch he poured and headed over to sit down. He felt the warmth spread through him. He laid his head back on the couch and closed his eyes. He focused on the warmth and the silence around him.

Within a few minutes, Jack heard a door close and the familiar clicking of heels walking across the floor. The sound came closer and he lifted his head to down the rest of his drink.

“Rough day?” Kenleigh appeared before him.

“You could say that.” He felt the need to pull her in. He wanted some sort of physical contact right now but images of Paxton kept making his way in his mind.

“Anything I can do for you?” Kenleigh straddle his legs.

He knew the look in her eye. The longing to be with him. Her skirt gave him the view of her long, smooth legs. He brought his free hand up behind her knee. He slid it up behind her thigh. He looked her straight in the eye, “Make me forget her.”

Kenleigh stared at him for what seemed like forever. Jack pleaded with his eyes. She ran her hand through his hair, much like Paxton used to do. She leaned down and he felt her lips on his temple. He closed his eyes in response. “I can’t,” she whispered.

Jack’s eyes flew open. Her words sobering him. “Kitten-”

“No Jack, I’ve tried before. It’s not fair of you to ask me like this.”

Jack placed a kiss on her cheek. She fell into his lap. He knew she was right but he didn’t care. He just needed to get lost tonight. He kissed her jawline. He brought both arms around her. Jack felt her give in slightly. She faced him and stared at him. Her pleas would go unheard tonight. He crashed his lips against hers. She tensed for a moment in his arms, then gave into him surrendering herself to him and his needs.