Burden (13 page)

The whole thing
crashed on top of me that morning. I flipped French toast and thought to myself, ‘This is it. Yes, I’ve got Hawke now, but it’s just more of the same, cooking and cleaning, except this time I’ll be expected to spit out cubs. Perfect.’

It was an attitude very ugly and very human. My bear
fought me on it tooth and nail. The feeling overwhelmed my happiness from the night before, pushing it into shadows and forcing it to cower. And as Hawke got ready to go out into the world, I felt even worse. I hadn’t meant to take it out on him, I hadn’t. But somehow it escalated and multiplied like yeast in a bowl of warm sugar and flour.

I
took out my frustrations on the dirt as I cleaned the house, taking note of things that were needed. Like Pine-Sol, the boy had no Pine-Sol.

A few minutes before noon;
and a sparkling house later, someone knocked on the door. They smelled faintly like lemons, and I knew it was Martha.

“Hi,” I said to her not so happily.

“I’m running to the Target in town. Do you want to ride, or is there anything you need?”

“I’d love to ride with you.”

In the car, I spilled my guts about the morning before and was completely honest about everything. As I told the story, I was convinced of what a wench I’d been to him. And I thought I’d make a pretty nasty dent in his male pride.

“It’s not that he wants you to stay home. It has nothing to do with it. It’s him, needing to provide for his family. Cubs or not, you two are a family now. Try looking at it from a different perspective.”

She parked at Target and we got out together, “He is the Alpha, his word is law. But you, as the female, you have the privilege of taking care of the Alpha, being his confidant, sharing in decision-making. He may be the machine that runs the clan, but a machine can’t work without power. And it’s just that, a machine. You give it the heart it needs. You don’t know how lucky you are.”

Suddenly
, I realized just how horrible I was. You’d think after years of being treated like dirt, I’d accept my place and thrive in it. But no, all I did was bitch and moan.

“I
’m sorry, Martha. I didn’t mean to offend you. I know you must be…”

“Desperate for a mate and a family of my own.” She finished my sentence for me
, looking down.

“I’m trying to offend everyone in the clan today, apparently.”

She shrugged, grabbed a cart and pulled out a very organized list, by department and then each item was written alphabetically.

“When we get back, can I show you some things?”

“Like what?”

“Yes or no.”

“Yes.”

“Okay, now, I need coffee creamer. I drink creamer with a little coffee in it, not the other way around.”

“I knew I liked you.”

After the learning experience of shopping with Martha, we went back to our houses to unpack our groceries. But only minutes later, she was back, dragging me to another home.

“I think once you meet Clarissa, you’ll know what I mean about you having enough work cut out for you already.”

I had no idea what she meant, until a middle aged woman, named Clarissa, opened the door but only a small amount.

“Hello, Martha…and you are?”

Martha spoke for me, “Coeur, this is Clarissa, my cousin. Clarissa, this is Echo, the Alpha’s new mate. I am trying to introduce her to everyone.”

“Oh,” the woman began to get very nervous. “I’m sorry I can’t invite you in.”

“That’s fine,” I could see as she moved that behind Cl
arissa was a mountain of mess—and the smell coming from her home was something between mildew and decaying garbage.

“It was nice to meet you formally. Have a good day.”

I looked at Martha like she was nuts.

“Now, let’s go see Clarissa’s family.”

“Her parents?”

“Nope,” she said as she crossed over to the house next door, “Her husband and children.”

Martha knocked on the door. A middle aged man answered the door with a four or five year old girl in tow and another boy, about six, tugging on his pants. Overwhelmed didn’t begin to cover the look on his face and the stress in his stance. “Hello, Coeur, how are you, please come in.”

We went into the house and for a man who had toddlers on foot, the place was clean and orderly.

“Adam, the Coeur is getting a feel for all of the families in the clan.”

“Can you help my wife?”

Martha had barely finished her sentence when he blurted out his question.

“
Why do you live separately from your mate?”

“Because we couldn’t walk in the house. She collects junk. She doesn’t clean. I know she needs some mental help. But I can’t talk her into it. After these two were born, I just couldn’t take it anymore. As much as it hurts me to live apart from her, it’s not safe for the kids. I thought it would be enough to make her change. But we’ve been here over a year and nothing.”

By the time he finished, he was in tears.

Suddenly, my little temper tantrum from the morning made me feel completely petty. I had a clan to take care of, starting with my mate, and secondly with a female named Clarissa.

“Yes. I will make some calls. We will get her the help she needs. And even if we have to have Hawke command her to go to counseling, we will make sure your family is put back together. We need to clean out that home, make it safe for your cubs.”

“Thank you. No one else—I shouldn’t speak ill of the other Alpha.”

“It’s ok. I didn’t know him. But, I do know Hawke, and I will speak to him about this tonight.”

“I can’t thank you enough. I have to go to work tonight, but I will be home in the morning. Please
call me and let me know what I can do.”

“I will. Goodbye, Adam.”

We walked back to my house and parted ways so Martha could go home.

“Food for thought,” she yelled back at me.

“No kidding,” I mumbled to myself. It seems that the whole time I was whining about not having a job, I was ignoring my job. I’d submitted myself to the mate claim, but it wasn’t until I entered the house with a new perspective that I submitted myself to my mate and my job as the Coeur.

Now I’d have to admit to my mistake.

For someone who’d come from nothing, I sure did have a lot of pride.

I spent the rest of the afternoon making calls, mostly leaving messages with clan me
mbers about the Sunday dinner—and I found Clarissa a psychologist in Lafayette. But she only made house visits since she specialized in hoarding and obsessive compulsive disorders. I would have to ask Hawke how to handle that situation.

Hawke hadn’t called all day. I kept my phone with me but it never rang. He must
’ve been really angry—but all I felt from him was tension.

Around four, I made dinner, a whole roasted chicken with salad and roasted vegetables. I left it in the oven on warm while I straightened up again. I took pity on Clarissa who didn’t have the pride in keeping her family’s home a clean, safe place to return.

I went upstairs, took a shower and changed into another pair of jeans and a pink Henley, short sleeved shirt. By six, I started to get worried and I decided to call Hawke.

“Hello?”

“Hi.”

“
Are you okay?”

“Yes. I just expected you already. I was making sure you’re fine.”

“I’m fine. We’re pulling through the gate now.”

I hung up and waited. I’d apologized many, many times, but never actually meant it
in the past. With Horace and the other clan, I apologized for survival. Now, I was charged with the task of apologizing and meaning it.

He came in and shot me a curt smile. He climbed the stairs
, and a few minutes later I heard the shower turn on. While I waited, I set the table and made our plates—kissing ass again.

“Smells good,” he remarked, coming into the kitc
hen barefoot, wearing gray sweatpants and a white thermal.

“Your plate’s on the table. I’m just getting the salad.”

He sat and waited for me to sit with him before digging in. His left hand and my right were next to each other on the table. It was excruciating, the impasse we were at. I was coiled tighter than a rattlesnake, but still didn’t quite know how to relent.

“What happened to you today,” he asked breaking the silence.

“I hung out with Martha. She introduced me to some clan members, I cleaned the house, did laundry, made some calls. And you?”

“I worked.”

He got up, and I tried to take his plate from him, “I’m getting more. It’s really good.”

“Thanks.”

I could see the stress in his movements as he walked.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered with as much meaning as I could pack with it.

One second I was in the chair and the next I was in his embrace. He held me so tightly I thought we’d mold into one. His mouth was on my neck, and he inhaled my scent as he spoke his next words.

“You can do whatever you want to. Damn, I was such an ass this morning.”

“No, I understand. Believe me, after the day I had, I understand the importance of my role and yours.”

“Well, then by all means. Please tell me. I nearly took off the head of everyone I came in contact with today. I was wound up so tight thinking you were angry.
I didn’t feel your anger, but I still thought about it.”

“You need to finish eating.”

He shook his head, his face now buried in my hair, “Right now, I just need your voice. I can eat more, later.”

He brought me to the couch
, and to the tune of more of his piano music, I told him the day’s events.

“They’ve been separated for over a year? No one ever told me.”

“Well, when I came home, I wanted to clean just because I could. I also made some calls but the psychologist who treats hoarding only makes house calls. So she would have to come onto clan land. I didn’t know if that was ok.”

He seemed to be listening to what I was saying but there was also something else on his mind, I could tell.

“What? Tell me.”

“Someone visited me at work today. I don’t even want to tell you.”

“Who?”

“I think—I think it was your mom.”

“What?”

“We never did talk about what Rev told me yesterday. He had some hunch that a woman from another clan, a human woman, mated to a black bear
, was your mother. He said she had the same eyes and she was a Native American healer. After he remembered, he looked up the records and contacted her. She can’t come on clan lands without permission, so she came to my work. I didn’t know how to tell you. Her eyes and her hair—they are just like yours.”

Tears came down, “What did she say?”

He took my hands in his, “She wants to come and visit you. She said you were taken from her when you were a baby. Your father is not alive, but she lives with the LaFourche clan—she is still considered a member.”

“I want to see her,” I answered his unspoken question.

“I know. That’s why I asked her to come by next weekend. This weekend we’ll be busy and to be honest, I want to take my mate on a real date.”

“That rhymed.”

He chuckled, “You get really smart ass when you’re nervous.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I love it.”

“Rev didn’t come over, you should call him. Make sure he’s ok.”

“I already talked to him today. He will be here for the meeting on Saturday morning.”

“Your mom
seemed very genuine and very kind. I hope you can have a relationship with her.”

“Me too.”

“So, now I have very specific plans. They involve you and TV.”

I threw my head back, “
I hate TV!”

“I know—b
ut I was trying to think of a way to make up with you, so I had Flint bring me to the store on our lunch break and I bought you something.”