Breath of Life (26 page)

“You know for a long time and even right now, I think about every move I made on that table. Every single decision I made since she got off that ambulance.”

“And?”

“I don’t know. The more I think about it the more I think I still would have lost her but the baby, if I knew about the baby going in.” She paused. “I just can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Let me try spinning it this way,” Dr. Keeler paused. “Would the baby have survived if Ella didn’t? Would you have been able to save the baby even if you could have saved Ella?”

Paxton stilled. She sat quiet for a few moments. “No, there was too much trauma to the abdomen. She lost a lot of blood. If she didn’t make it the baby would have never survived outside the womb. She was only eight weeks pregnant. If she did survive, the stress alone of recovering and multiple surgeries, it would be too hard on the baby.”

“Even in the most capable hands, the baby and Ella wouldn’t have survived. I have a feeling that you know that deep down inside. So now, do you truly believe that you could have saved them and things would have been different now?”

“I was concerned about getting home. For once in my career, I decided to put myself first and look what happened.” Paxton stopped picking at her nails. She stared straight at Dr. Keeler.

“Where did you go wrong in the surgery?” Dr. Keeler’s voice was harsh.

“I don’t know. I can’t find the moment.”

“I think you did nothing wrong in that surgery. You did the best you could. I think her injuries were far too extensive for any surgeon to save her or the baby.”

Paxton shook her head. “There’s always a way to save someone.”

“At what cost?” Dr. Keeler shot back.

Paxton opened her mouth to say something but shut it again.  She knew if Ella would have made it through surgery she would not be the same. She would need multiple surgeries to repair her knee, the burns, her back was broken. It would have been a very hard road. Ella may not even be the same person when she came out. After multiple traumatic injuries and losing a baby, her friend would never be quite the same.

“Your silence is once again answering my question. You know she wouldn’t have been able to lead the life she wanted for a while.”

For the first time, Paxton felt like Ella’s passing was a gift to her.  It was kinder she wouldn’t feel any more pain, she wouldn’t see any more darkness in her life.  She looked up at Dr. Keeler, not knowing what to say.

“Nothing you did would have changed anything.” Dr. Keeler studied her a bit more. She knew she may have finally gotten through to her. Today could quite possibly be a turning point for Paxton and her recovery.

“I think that is enough for today,” she said after a few minutes of Paxton sitting there.

Paxton found herself wandering to the car. She was mulling over what Dr. Keeler said. She needed to forgive herself for Ella. She needed to let the anger go that she built up inside. She remembered being so angry with God that he put Ella on her table, that he let Duke survive and the hurt that he’s been through. She hated God for taking Jack away because she couldn’t handle what he put in front of her. She turned her back on her faith and for the last year she’s been shrouded in darkness.  She needed to let go of the anger. She needed to accept it and get back to the person she used to be, the one that Ella was proud of. Paxton wanted to change for Ella now. No more dumb mistakes, no more anger, no more blaming, she would move on.  First she needed to go see Ella.  Paxton knew step one was accepting Ella’s death and that she did everything she could to save her best friend.

Paxton found herself at Ella’s graveside. She knelt down in the soft grass. She had done this once before telling her best friend she was ready to move on but she fell back into blaming herself and getting wrapped up in everyone else’s feelings.

“Hey Ellie-bear. I know that last time you probably didn’t believe me when I came here stating I was moving on but today is different. I think I am finally ready to let you go, accept that you are gone from the physical world,” she paused looking at the stone.

“Remember when we were younger and you said that you would always be there for me no matter what? I think I have been a bad friend. I pushed the thought of you away after we buried you. I wouldn’t let you be there in my heart, my memories. I was so angry. I was angry at everyone else thinking there was something that we could have done but I know that I couldn’t have saved you even if I wanted you. I was so angry with God. I know you believed He put everything in a certain place for a reason beyond us. You said He challenged us. Well I refuse to believe that. I don’t want to live in a world where a God can turn his back and let bad things happen to good people. He hasn’t been there for me over the past year. I am still angry but I am going to let it go, for you. I am not saying that I have my faith back. It will take more time for that because I still see so much hurt, sorrow and violence in this world but I’ll work on it.” She picked at the grass.

“You know. I slept with Duke. I told you last time about it. I’m sorry Ellie. I mean, he makes me happy but whenever Jack comes into the picture, things change. I just don’t know what I am going to do and I wish you were here. Then I wouldn’t be in this situation and we would all be happy. Maybe we both would be having babies. Maybe not, but I just miss you.  I miss you every day and I think I always will. After my appointment today, Dr. Keeler made me realize there was no saving you or baby Avery. I am so sorry this happened to you both but I am happy that I can spare Duke some grief.  He thinks the baby was mine. He found the pregnancy tests. He assumed I got rid of the baby but I am glad to carry that burden of grieving over a lost baby for him.”

Paxton wiped a stray tear from her eye and looked around. The cemetery was empty. She was the only visitor at the moment.  She turned back to the stone.

“I don’t want to forget you Ellie, I’m so afraid I will forget if I let you go. I don’t want to forget your laugh, your smile. I still hear your voice in my head. I don’t want to forget what you sounded like. I don’t want to forget any aspect of you and I have seen people forget these things. I don’t want to be that person. I want to remember every little thing and I know that’s impossible.” She reached out and touched the stone again. It was cold even though the day was warm. “Help me Ellie-bear. Just help me understand why you had to leave me. What am I supposed to do now?”

She sat there staring waiting as if Ella was going to answer her. “Don’t let me forget you, that’s all I ask.”  She sat there for a few minutes saying nothing.

A cloud covered the sun and Paxton looked up. She looked towards the East and saw a storm coming in.  “I guess I better go before the storm comes. Just look after us. I love you Ella.”

Paxton went back to her car and turned it on. She flipped to her favorite radio station. She looked over at Ella’s grave one more time. The song changed and Paxton gasped as she heard the opening of one of their favorite songs,
Never Alone
by Jesse Bonanno.

It was the sign that Paxton thought she was silly for wishing for. She smiled.

“Ella.” She pulled out of the cemetery and went home. She knew this was the turning point for her. She felt the anger slip away. Now it was time to move on.

TWENTY-ONE

Paxton was just finishing up dinner when Ryan rang the doorbell. She set the pot holders down and went to let him in. She found herself getting excited because he was bringing over some of Ella’s work. Paxton wanted to see what her friend had captured in the last few weeks of her life. She opened the door and he smiled but his arms were full of her portfolio stuff.

“Here let me grab some of that.” She took some of the larger portfolio bags.

She led the way back to the kitchen. They set the pictures on the table. “Food is just getting done. Good timing.” She smiled at Ryan who was setting the smaller boxes of pictures down.

“Good, I’m starving,” he winked at her.

“Well I hope you like what I made. I just threw some stuff together.”

“It smells amazing whatever it is,” he said as he walked around and pulled her into a hug. “You look better by the way.”

“I feel better. I went to see Ella again. I think I am finally ready to let her go.” She saw Ryan smile.

“Good. You are far too young to feel like you were. I know Ella would never think you didn’t give your all when she was on your table.”

“Yeah.” Paxton looked over at the pan that held the dinner she made. “Are you ready to eat?”

“Let’s do it.”

Over dinner they discussed Ryan’s idea of the gallery. He had been looking at several properties but none of them really fit what he had envisioned. Paxton threw around the idea of him just building what he wanted but he said he didn’t want to make that kind of investment. He didn’t have enough means to do it but he would love to one day. Paxton noticed his desire to find the perfect place that Ella would approve of. They brainstormed over several areas in town but Paxton knew that Ella would shoot down every building that Ryan could afford.

“I have an idea,” Paxton said lighting up.

“What would that be?”

“Let me build the place. I know Ella would love to have it downtown. I can fund it.”

“No, that would be too much. I couldn’t ask you to do that.” Ryan turned her down flat but Paxton wanted to do this.  In fact, Paxton felt like she needed to do this.

“Please, I need to do this. I want to do this. I’ve been angry and hurt for so long, I need something to focus on and I think this would be perfect.” Paxton watched him. Ryan looked at her with a furrowed look.

“It will be my gift to you Ryan. Ella’s work deserves to be displayed somewhere,” she continued pleading with her eyes.

“I’ll accept on one condition, it’s a loan and I pay you back with interest.”

“No deal. It’s a gift.”

“No. I cannot accept it.”

“Why not?”

“It’s too much money.”

Paxton stared at him. He was turning down his dream for Ella’s work because she didn’t want the money back.  She saw Ryan continue the staring contest that now ensued.

“You become my partner. That’s the only way I will accept it. You will own fifty-one percent as you are fronting a lot of money.”

“I’ll own forty-nine percent. This is your baby.”

Ryan sighed. Paxton felt a victory coming on.

“Fine, but we are signing paperwork,” he said giving in.

“Deal!” Paxton smiled. She already had plans of what she wanted the gallery to look like but first they had to find an area where they could build.

Once they finished eating, Ryan insisted he was on clean up duty. Paxton was hesitant but he told her to start looking through the pictures. She gave in only because she had been waiting for the table to clear so they could spread them out.

She started with the pictures that were blown up. Ella must have done these because they seemed edited. There were a few black and white ones, some in a sepia tone and others she just printed. She had landscapes, sunsets, pictures of her close up, and some of the boys. Paxton studied each picture. Each one she could almost place a memory for. She smiled and studied the pictures. There were even a few self-portraits. 

She started looking at the smaller pictures. She had them in 20 x 24 sizes. Those were in boxes. Some she had printed on canvas. Paxton lingered on these a little longer. These were moments Ella captured between her and Jack. She briefly thought back to what Dr. Keeler asked her.  She studied each picture, Jack’s face. Her heart fluttered with some of the memories they were invoking within her. She stared at one picture from a day in the park. It was of her and Jack holding hands walking off. The sun was setting and she didn’t even know that Ella took this picture. Paxton saw herself looking up at Jack. The girl in the picture looked happy and head over heels in love with the man holding her hand.  Jack was looking down at her and she could see his half smirk. Ella captured the perfect moment of them loving each other. Paxton felt her heart ache because she didn’t know if she could ever be that happy again, with or without Jack.

“It’s a great picture of you two,” Ryan said startling Paxton. She smiled and nodded her head.

“Ella was always great with a camera, even better with a brush.” Paxton set the picture down.

She picked up the next one and it was a shot of Ella and Duke. She must have set a timer or used her remote for the camera. They were sitting in the grass and it captured Duke and Ella smiling directly at it. She looked at the others and they were various ones of Duke and herself. It seemed as though Ella captured perfect moments with them. There was one of Paxton scouring over medical books on her bed, one of Duke looking lovingly at the camera, no doubt at Ella. Some of Duke when he probably didn’t know she was there. There were some of Jenny. Paxton felt guilty for not talking to her mother lately. Ever since she stopped house sitting she hadn’t been back over or talked to her. Her mother hadn’t even called her. She brushed those thoughts away. She would deal with her mother later.

“I don’t know how to narrow down the pictures for a gallery. There are tons more at the house.” Ryan broke into her thoughts. He hadn’t said much since he got back to the table.

“They are all wonderful. We should find a place soon and get to work. While they are building we will have plenty of time to pick out pictures and a theme.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

They spent the rest of the night talking about pictures and memories. In one of the boxes of smaller 4 x 6 pictures. Ryan found a lot of him and Ella as they got to know each other again after her parent’s deaths. More of when they took vacations together. They shared the good memories they had and laughed all night long.

It was nearing ten o’clock and Ryan decided it was time for him to go. Paxton helped him out with the pictures. He said he would get some contract in place for their partnership and be in touch. Paxton felt better after he left. She noticed that he had a similar light as Ella did. He just knew how to brighten up anyone’s mood, just like Ella did. She wondered if it was a family trait.