Breath of Life (25 page)

“Don’t Paxton. Don’t question my love for you. I didn’t mean for you to hear me, hell I didn’t even realize how loud I said it or the fact that I did.” Duke reached for her, she didn’t pull back but she didn’t move at all. After a few moments she turned and grabbed the waffles.

“Here eat them before they get cold,” her voice was flat. She grabbed her waffles and they ate in silence. She felt Duke’s gaze on her the whole time but she couldn’t look at him. She needed time to process everything.

“I think I should go,” he said after a few moments.

His food was half eaten. Paxton didn’t say a word. She saw him throw what he didn’t eat away and wash his plate. He started walking back towards her. Paxton continued eating. She couldn’t look at him. He placed a kiss on top of her head and walked out without saying a word.

After Duke left, Paxton cleaned the kitchen. She decided to shower and clear her head. It didn’t help much. She was just as confused and frustrated when she got out. She decided to get out of the house. She needed to figure out what she was going to do, who she could actually trust.

Within forty-five minutes she was heading down the stairs. She opened the front door and found a long-legged blonde walking up her steps.

“Can I help you?” Paxton didn’t recognize her.

The blonde took off her sunglasses. “Hello Paxton.”

“Kenleigh.”

“Listen I need to explain about yesterday morning,” Kenleigh said as she met Paxton on the landing of the porch. “It’s not what you think.”

“Oh really?”

“No it didn’t mean anything. It was a drunken moment.”

Paxton scoffed. She didn’t believe her. “So the picture of you two is fake?” Paxton spat out. Kenleigh look taken aback.

“What are you talking about? What picture?”

“Don’t play dumb. Jack took a picture of you two. You looked pretty cozy laying on top of him. A stupid smile plastered on your face.”

“How did you know about that?” Kenleigh’s eyes went wide. Paxton glared at her. She knew that Kenleigh knew exactly what she was talking about.

“Jack sent a picture to Duke.” Paxton’s icy stare was still pinned on Kenleigh.

Kenleigh didn’t say anything. Paxton saw a little bit of hurt in her eyes.

“So why don’t you go running back to Jack and tell him I don’t care anymore. He can screw whoever he wants. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve dealt with enough shit this past year and now I am focusing on me.”

Kenleigh remained quiet. She just stared at Paxton. It only frustrated Paxton more. She didn’t want to deal with this right now or ever. She was done with the games. She wanted to piece herself back together. To do that she had to get her heart back and start there.

“Tell him no more games with Duke. I. Am. Done. In fact, tell him that he can come here tomorrow afternoon for the rest of his things.” Paxton was determined not to show how much that photo hurt her, but her words rang true. She was done. She couldn’t take any more heartbreak right now. A new resolve washed over her. When Kenleigh didn’t say anything else she side-stepped her.

“See that you aren’t here when I come back.” She purposely ran into her and she saw Kenleigh stumble but catch herself.

Paxton climbed in her car. Kenleigh had turned and stared at her still on the porch unmoving. As Paxton pulled out of the driveway, she felt like fighting for herself for the first time since Ella passed away. She was tired of her mother blaming her, of the emotional game Jack was playing, and tired of everyone walking on eggshells around her. She was determined to get her job back and make herself happy. Right now all she wanted more than anything was to be alone at the moment, no Duke, no Jack, nobody. She had to concentrate on herself. Once she could make herself happy then she could worry about who she let in.

Paxton turned up the radio. It had been left on a country station. She had various preset in all different genres but she loved her country music.  She decided to go visit Ella again. She hadn’t been there since the first time and right now she really needed her best friend. With the music blaring she turned on to the highway and headed towards the cemetery.

She pulled up and noticed a few other cars. With the spring weather her, more and more people would be out to visit their loved ones. She was sure many were starting to bring fresh flowers. She paused when she saw someone kneeling at Ella’s grave. She looked around at the cars and couldn’t see any cars she recognized. Her attention was brought back to Ella. She waited a few minutes then they stood up. It was a guy. She waited in the car but as he got closer to the parking lot, she recognized him. She climbed quickly out of her car.

“Ryan!” She shouted. His head jerked up and a smile came across his face.

“Hey Kid!” He wrapped her up in a hug and spun her around. “How are you?” His hands slid down and he clasped her hands.

Paxton kept her smile on but it faltered a little. “I’ve had better days.”

“I can imagine. The last time I heard you weren’t doing so well they stuck you in a facility.”

“Yeah.” Paxton gazed down, suddenly embarrassed.

“No judgment here. I didn’t hold it together for a long time. I just moved out here and thought I’d visit my girl,” He said looking back. “I can’t believe it’s been over a year already.”

She looked over at where Ella laid.

“Hey why don’t you go visit and then we can go grab coffee or something. Catch up. It looks like you could use someone to talk to.”

“Sounds great. I actually came out here to talk to Ella but I can come back. If I start, I don’t know when I will stop,” Paxton said quietly. She didn’t want an audience when she visited.

“You sure kid?”

“Yeah. I can come back,” she smiled.

They decided to meet at Starbucks. It was newly built a few weeks. It was nestled in the 3
street development by McAlister’s. She ordered her chai latte and found a place to sit. Ryan had taken a bit longer to park so she was just waiting for him to order. The line was long as everyone was excited as it was still a new coffee place in town. She found a booth in the corner by the window. She sat down. While waiting, she got a call saying her appointment was pushed back to right after lunch. She had more time to talk to Ryan now.

“So what’s going on?” He asked as he sat down at the table a few minutes later. “How are you and Jack?”

“No longer together,” Paxton quickly replied before taking a sip of the warm latte.

“What? What happened?”

“We drifted apart after Ella passed.” Paxton felt nervous suddenly. She was waiting for him to judge her. “He wasn’t there when I needed him and he couldn’t take it. He let me lose myself and then the divorce papers came. It took me a while to sign but I did a little over a month ago.”

“So there was no way to work things out?”

“No, too much happened between us.”

“I thought you two were meant to be. I mean the way Ella gushed about you two, I’m really surprised.”

“Yeah.”

“How’s Duke doing? I haven’t heard from him in a while.”

“He’s good. He’s picked up the coaching position for baseball.”

“Has he moved on yet?”

Paxton took a longer than normal sip of her latte. She didn’t know how to answer this or what Ryan would think of it. “I want to say he has but I’m not sure. I think Ella is still in his thoughts.”

Vague enough
, she thought to herself. She saw Ryan trying to pick apart her answer.

“I see.” That was all Ryan had to say about that.

“Hey would you like to come over for dinner tomorrow night? I can cook. I’m sure with moving back to town, it’s been exhausting,” Paxton wanted to change the subject.

“Sure. What time would be good and what should I bring?”

“How about you come over about six and I will be cooking everything,” Paxton smiled.

They fell into easy conversation. Ryan said he was going to start an art gallery here. He said Manhattan needed more options for the fine arts and he was going to display some pictures he found on Ella’s camera. He said it looked like she was studying faces for her next art project. She took random photos of her, Duke, Jack, Jenny and even some of him. He said some of them captured the light of the moment. He wasn’t sure what to call it yet but he said he was working on something. He looked through some of Ella’s old photos as well to display. Paxton asked for him to bring them to dinner tomorrow night and maybe she could help. 

The conversation stayed on the topic of the gallery. Eventually a cup of coffee turned into more of a never ending cup. Paxton found herself wanting to hear more about this business venture. He admittedly said he wasn’t sure where to get some of the funding for printing but he figured a small business loan would do. Soon enough her phone beeped reminding her of her appointment with Dr. Keeler.

“Well, I got to get going. I have an appointment in thirty minutes.”

“It was great seeing you and I can’t wait for dinner tomorrow night,” He said giving her a hug.

“Yes, I’ll see you then,” she said as they started in opposite directions towards their cars.

On the way to her appointment, Paxton thought about the gallery and about Ella. Ella hadn’t said she was working on a new project but she was curious as to what it was. Ryan had stated she captured stolen moments. He had promised to bring some tomorrow when he came over for dinner. It was nice to have someone just be there as a friend, not that Duke wasn’t there but it was different. For the first time in a long time, she didn’t feel guilty about anything and it felt good.

TWENTY

“How are you feeling today?” Dr. Keeler asked.

Paxton sat there and seriously thought about it, not that she hadn’t before but she felt different today. “I’m good, I think. I mean, I feel different but so much has happened in the last couple of days.”

“Oh, want to talk about it?”

“I think today is the first day I didn’t wake up questioning everything going on around me.” Paxton stared at the corner of the floor. She was trying to pinpoint the feeling.

“What changed recently?”

“I think it’s because I ran into Ella’s uncle, Ryan. He just made me forget. You know he’s going to open a gallery with some of Ella’s work. He said she had captured a lot of pictures of the guys and me when we weren’t looking. He said she captured the essence of the moment or something like that.”  She heard Dr. Keeler make a listening noise. She decided to continue, “I think for the first time I thought about the way Ella was when she was herself, not when she was on my table, not when she died.”

“Not how she died or whose table she was on? You didn’t think about your part in it?” She interrupted.

“No, I saw Ella and the happiness she brought. I remembered her snapping pictures, her smile, her laugh and just her,” Paxton smiled.

“This is good. You are remembering her and not her death.”

“Yeah I think so.” Paxton’s thoughts wandered to Duke.

She thought about his arms wrapping around her, his kisses, his body, the look of regret on his face after showing her the picture of Jack and Kenleigh, and the silence. She hadn’t heard from him since yesterday morning.

“Where did you just go?”

“Huh?”

“What were you just thinking of? You grew very silent.”

“Oh.” Paxton tried to collect her thoughts.

“You know whatever happens in here, stays here. You have been so good about being open lately, but I sense your hesitancy.”

“Yeah, sorry. It’s just, just that I’m not sure what’s going on between Duke, Jack and I.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. I mean Jack slept with Kenleigh after finding out that I slept with Duke on a drunken night and then I tried sleeping with him again but he stopped me. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I think I’m just confused with what’s going on between me and them.”

“Let’s talk about that for a moment.”

Paxton nodded. She waited for a question. She could see it forming on Dr. Keeler’s face.

“Do you think you have romantic feelings for Duke or are you trying to make things up to him? Are you trying to make up for Ella?”

Paxton sat there contemplating the question. She wondered where Dr. Keeler was going with this. She felt at times that her feelings for Duke were real, but other times, she thought about making him happy because she took Ella.

“By your silence I am assuming not,” Dr. Keeler said.

“I don’t know. Whatever my feelings are, people may not understand. I don’t even understand it right now.”

“You want my personal opinion on this?” She saw Dr. Keeler put her notepad and pen down.

“Yes.” Paxton was nervous.

“I think you should separate yourself for a while from them. You need to figure out your feelings for Duke. If you truly love him or have strong feelings, pursue them. Don’t worry about what others would think. You need to move on with your life. Don’t think about Ella and what you took away from Duke, don’t blame yourself, let yourself be happy.”

“Easier said than done,” Paxton replied. She picked at her nails.

“Now about Jack, do you still love him?”
“No…yes. I don’t know. I’m so hurt that he slept with Kenleigh after coming to try to ‘win’ me back so to speak. My feelings are all over the place. When I really think about it, it all comes back to everything I took away from everyone and the need to make up for things.”

“I see. I think that you are trying to make amends for something out of your control. This morning when you woke up, I think you finally realized everything was out of your control when Ella ended up on your table, but when you are around Duke or Jack, you see the loss. Maybe not every moment with them but you see them as symbols of loss. Then it brings you back as to how you all came to that point. It seems to me that Duke and Jack have moved on past that loss but you are stuck for some reason.”

“I guess I just don’t understand what I did wrong? I mean, why did she have to end up on my table? What did I do that led to her being on my table and me losing my best friend?”

“I don’t know Paxton. I really don’t but it happened. You have to accept that and move on. With the way you act it seems you are going back and forth in the grieving process. You start accepting then something happens and you are angry with the world. Then you think that she was put on your table for a reason, as if you could have saved her. I think you are angry because you couldn’t save her even though we both know how impossible it was because of her injuries.”