Breath of Life (21 page)

Paxton felt Duke tighten his grip. She allowed her tears to fall. Her job wasn’t done but she started to fall apart anyway. “I’m so sorry. I tried. I’m sorry I couldn’t save her.”

“No, she can’t be gone.” Duke shut his eyes. He shifted in the bed as the emotions took over. “Pax, no. No, please say it’s a mistake.” Tears were falling down his face. Paxton knew she just annihilated his world. She couldn’t even say anything. “Pax, oh God! It can’t be her, not my Ellie-bear. Why her?”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” That was all that Paxton could manage.

Her own tears were falling. He didn’t want to hear about everything that happened but she waiting for the questions, she was waiting for the anger, the resentment.

 She went over the surgery again in her head. She was sure she missed something. Something that if she were just focused a little bit more she would have seen it. She should be wheeling Ella to recovery instead of the morgue.

Jack and Jenny came into the room a few minutes later. Jack leaned in to give his best friend a hug and his condolences. Once he cleared, Jenny took his other hand. Their tears were falling. Paxton knew all these tears were because she didn’t save her friend. She sat there watching. She knew Ella should be here with them.

Jack wrapped his arms around Paxton. She stood limp in his arms. The tears were stopping as she was just numb. Her mind was still racing trying to figure out why Ella left her. Why Ella ended up on her table.

“I have to go.” Paxton wiped the tears from her face.

“Where are you going Tiger?”

“I have patients I need to check on.” She felt everyone’s stare. She didn’t want to admit that she couldn’t look at them and their pain knowing she caused it.

“You are thinking about patients right now? Ella
died
on your table and you are thinking about your
patients
? What is
wrong
with you? Don’t you even care?” Her mother lashed out at her.

The words stung Paxton. She knew that her mother held her to a higher standard than most surgeons. Jenny heard the stories of Paxton saving the unsaveable before. The people who everyone else would have given up on but now her mother couldn’t understand why she couldn’t save Ella.

“I have to go, I’m still on duty,” she quietly said. She turned and walked out the door.

When she left and started down the hallway, she realized she hadn’t informed Ella’s uncle. She forgot that he didn’t know.  She went to her office, grabbed her phone and dialed his number. He picked up on the second ring and Paxton gave him the news. She heard the phone drop to the floor and something break on the other end. She flinched. Ryan came to visit Ella every three months. He was just here a couple weeks ago visiting. Paxton shook her head, the line went dead.

After spending a few minutes collecting herself again, Paxton went to the nurses’ station on the surgical floor and picked up her charts. She looked through them. The words didn’t make sense to her. She kept flipping through them, re-reading them but all she thought about was Ella’s surgery. She was looking for what she missed. No one said a word to her as she stood there with her lab coat on, reading those charts appearing like she didn’t just lose her best friend. Paxton figured the news spread quickly throughout the surgical floor. Everyone was waiting for her to break down. She wouldn’t give them a show.

“What are you doing?” Steve’s voice broke her concentration.

“What does it look like?” She retorted.

“Leave it, we will take care of it. You need to be with family. You just lost Ella. She was your best friend, hell she was your sister.”

“Adoptive sister. I’ve got work Steve. I need to stay busy.” She sounded cold, she knew it.

“Don’t do this. Go be with Jack. Be with your mother and Duke. They need you now more than your patients. You are not in the right frame of mind right now to be tending to others.”

“But good enough for my family?!” She snapped back at him.

Paxton gave him an icy-cold stare. Steve let out a frustrated sigh.  He knew he wasn’t going to win this one. He knew how stubborn Paxton was when it came to her patients.

“Fine, but once you make your rounds, I’m taking over your cases.”

“No Pax, you need to take some time. Get your head back.” Jonathan stepped around Steve.

“I’m fine. I just…I just need to do my job.” The tears pooled but it would only prove their point if she let them fall.

“You are on administrative leave effective immediately,” Jonathan stared at her.

“You are on the board, not the chief of surgery.”

“I manage just as much as the chief does. Don’t play that card with me, Paxton. Just take your leave,” Jonathan hardened his voice but he was also pleading with her.

Paxton felt like they were backing her into a corner. She looked around and noticed she was already causing a scene with the nurses. They had been staring at her since she picked up her chart and now the president of the hospital and her right-hand man were trying to get her to leave.  She reluctantly gave in.

“I quit.”

“No you don’t. You are on leave,” Jonathan stared her down. He knew she was a valuable asset and she didn’t know what she was saying. Paxton threw her charts down on the counter and left.

Jack was walking towards her. “I need to get out of here,” she said storming past him.

“Paxton wait!” Jack called after her.

Paxton didn’t listen. She went to her office and gathered all her things. She went out the back door to the reserved parking for the doctors. She threw it in her SUV and climbed in.

She sat there and let the tears fall. She rested her head on the steering wheel. Her best friend was gone. The one who always brightened the world around her. The one that believed in her and shared her darkest secrets. The one that pushed her to be better. The one she
killed
. Her door open and she jumped. It was Jack. He pulled her out and held her. She fell apart again. He picked her up and carried her around to the passenger seat. 

She didn’t remember the drive home but Jack carried her into the house. He bathed her in the shower, he dressed her and got her into bed. The whole time tears were falling down her cheeks. She was numb now. She couldn’t feel anything but the emptiness of knowing she would never see or talk to Ella again, because of her. Because she couldn’t save her best friend, because she wasn’t good enough to save her.

Paxton floated through the days barely functioning. All she saw was Ella open on her table. She studied the images trying to pin point the one move she made that caused her best friend to lose her life. She avoided the hospital. She couldn’t walk the halls. It was too much. She would have to walk the halls she took trying to save Ella. She would have to see the room where she broke Duke’s heart. She would have to face the people she broke down in front of. She would get looks of pity.  She remembered those looks the day of the funeral. 

After much debate Paxton wanted to give a eulogy for her best friend. She stood up there at the podium in her black dress. She didn’t wear any make up that day, she knew it would only be ruined. Jack sat there in the front row with her. She pulled her speech out of her clutch. She collected herself as she unfolded it and set it in front of her. She remembered writing all the good things that Ella had done, all the wonderful memories but the tears kept her from being able to read any of it.  She looked out into the crowd that had gathered. The funeral home was full and people were even standing in the background. She saw how many people Ella touched and how many people she brought together in her death.

“Ella was my best friend,” her voice was shaky so she cleared her throat, trying to gain some composure.  “As you can see from the people around you she touched a lot of people in her life. She never turned a person away because of what they did or how they looked. She embraced life. She became…” She choked down a sob. “She became my sister.”

Tears started to trickle down her face. She wiped them away and stared at her paper. The words mixed together and she couldn’t read them.

“She ended up on my table and I couldn’t save her.” Paxton broke down, she could control herself anymore. “Oh God, I killed my best friend.”

She covered her mouth as the sobs escaped from her. She heard the whispers begin.  She saw their faces.  She wiped the tears flowing down her face.

“I couldn’t save my best friend. I saved many people and some said I performed miracles but I couldn’t save her.”

Jack came up to her side and she collapsed into it. He pulled her down from the podium. He nestled her in his arms as she sat between him and Duke.  Duke patted her leg and then held her other hand.  It was the only time she felt comforted by the people around her but she couldn’t stop crying or blaming herself. After that day, she took no comfort.

***

“Paxton, it wasn’t your fault Ella died,” Dr. Keeler finally broke into her story, her memories.

“It was. I didn’t wait to see what all her injuries were. I reacted to the internal bleeding. I didn’t wait. Maybe if I waited.” Paxton became frantic. She was overcome with the emotions the memories evoked.

“What if you did wait and she died because you waited. What then?”

“I would have still killed her because I was negligent. It would still be my fault. No matter what I did I…I killed her.” Sadness overtook Paxton. It was like those memories dug into a fresh wound, one that never really healed.

“My mother blames me. She is the only one who sees the truth. She called me out on it when she asked why I was thinking of patients instead of my friend. After that night, she reminded me often.”

“You were in shock,” Dr. Keeler argued. “Hell, I would throw myself into work if I was in your position but you didn’t kill her on purpose.”

“You don’t get it!” Paxton raised her voice. “I was more worried about making the damn casino night, I missed something. I was distracted even though I tried to focus on my patient. I was negligent, I didn’t know what I was getting into, and I just opened her up. I was rushing. I wanted to get home.”

“Let me ask you something,” Dr. Keeler interrupted. “What if it wasn’t Ella? What if she was still the Jane Doe? Would you be agonizing over it?”

Paxton was taken aback by her question.

“Would you be blaming yourself for the death of Jane Doe even though you did what you thought was best?”

“No. I have had patients die on my table before.”

“So what makes this different is that you knew who it was on your table. Maybe not at the time but afterwards. You didn’t put her on that highway. You didn’t cause that semi to overturn, you didn’t wish this upon her. You attempted to save her. You did the best you could. You knew that but sometimes injuries are too great and you know some patients die. Ella was one of those. No matter what you would have done she probably would have died.” Dr. Keeler’s voice remained even. It was a logical conclusion, but Paxton’s mind wouldn’t accept it. Her heart still ached for her friend.

“She was pregnant. I forgot about it. Looking back now I forgot. I didn’t even try to save her baby!”

Dr. Keeler inhaled sharply. She didn’t say anything. Paxton knew that Dr. Keeler never would have suspected that Ella was pregnant.

“No one knew except me. I was there when she took the home-test. I was the one that did her labs at the hospital. She was going to tell Duke that weekend. That night at the casino.” Paxton took a deep breath. She felt like the worst person in the world. “What made it different was I didn’t check the baby.”

“You didn’t know it was her. You didn’t find out until after you called time of death. There was no way you could have saved the baby.”

“But I didn’t tell anyone either.”

“You saved them from more pain.”

Paxton sat there. She still blamed herself. If she would have took the ultrasound a little lower she would have seen the baby.

“When was the last time you went to her grave?”

“What?”

“When was the last time you went to Ella’s gravesite?”

Paxton grimaced. “The day of her funeral.”

She folded over in her lap. She let herself feel the loss of her friend, her unborn child. She spent so much time running away that she knew she hadn’t fully grieved the loss of her friend. The one she tried so hard to save. She heard the timer go off. Dr. Keeler turned it off and Paxton lifted herself.

“Paxton, I am only going to say this once because I know I have given a lot to think about.” Paxton felt like Dr. Keeler could read her thoughts sometimes. “I want you to forgive yourself. It wasn’t your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself. You need to go visit her. It can be therapeutic. Just go see her. Let yourself grieve for your friend properly.  I still don’t know how this fits in with your relationship with Jack and the divorce but you need to forgive yourself for Ella, for her baby. You need to grieve for them. Once you do, you will feel better about yourself. Then we can figure out what happened with Jack.” She reached for Paxton’s hand to reassure her.  “Okay?” Paxton saw Dr. Keeler dip her head to make eye contact.

“Okay,” That’s all she could say.

What Dr. Keeler was proposing seemed impossible to Paxton but she was going to try. She already felt better remembering and talking about it to someone objective. Paxton just needed to go. “Thank you Dr. Keeler.” She gave a slight smile and stood up to walk out.

Paxton drove out to the cemetery where Ella was buried. She stayed in her car in the parking lot for a long time. She didn’t know why Dr. Keeler thought this would help her. She stared out into the field where her best friend was laying. She didn’t have any more tears in here. She felt almost numb but her nerves were tingling. She wasn’t sure if she should do this or not. She wanted to bolt but if she did she knew that she would never come back on her own.

She opened her door and stepped out of the SUV. The breeze was blowing and it was a warm spring afternoon. She started walking to the tree that Ella was buried under. She slowed as she neared it. Ella was in the middle of the cemetery. There was a large oak tree that hovered over the field. Paxton picked the spot out. She thought Ella would like being out in the open but shaded of course.