Bittersweet Love (5 page)

        My phone dings, signaling that I have a text I look down and see it’s from Rex. It says, “Of course.”  Then there’s a little smiley face attached. I practically wipe the sweat from my brow, realizing he didn’t have plans tonight. Mimi’s going to a party on campus, and even though I know that’s not really his scene I know he would rather be there then be alone because that’s something I would do. At the very least we have each other for the night.

        We work out the details and settle on Chinese, and movies. It’s almost like a date, but not really. It’s not a date. It’s not a date, I keep telling myself. I put the phone down and get myself ready for my NOT date.

It’s Not a Date

I settle on wearing my least sexiest pair of pjs, just because of the fact that I don’t want to seem desperate, plus like I said it’s not a date. As I’m picking up the house a knock sounds on the door. It throttles me from my cleaning frenzy, and I cautiously walk over to the door. I glance at the microwave, and see that it’s not quiet seven yet. Rex said he wouldn’t be here till then, and I’m curious as to who it could be. I look through the little peep hole in the door, and see no one other than Ryder. What the hell is he doing here?

        I pull open the door ready to
shoo him away before Rex gets here. I’m trying to fix things with him even if it only ends up in friendship; and I get the feeling Ryder doesn’t like it. A sweet smile is on his face as he pushes his way through the doorway.

        “Um hi. You can leave now, since I never even invited you in. Do you barge into everyone’s house?” I say shocked, and slightly annoyed that he
feels the need to be here especially since he knows his brother is coming over in less than ten minutes.

        “Wow, so inviting. I can feel the love in here.” He says making his way over to the couch. He takes a seat, and puts his feet up on my end table. The same table I just got done wiping down.

        “Get your grubby ass feet off my table, and get out of my house. Right. Now.” I say pushing his feet off the table. They land on the wood floor with a hard thud. Ryder is infuriating, and telling him to do anything seems to get him to do the opposite.

        “You could’ve invited me over for Chinese you know. The party scene really isn’t my kind of thing. I would rather spend the night in with you.” His voice is honeyed, and smooth. If I wasn’t immune to his ways I would be melting in a puddle at his knees.  I’m not, and though I care about Ryder it is a friend’s only way, this tells me he cares about me differently than I do him.

        “I don’t know what you think is going on between us.” I growl, motioning between us. “But I’m not feeling you the same way you’re feeling me. I still love your brother, and that will probably never change. Just because you look the same doesn’t mean I can pretend that you have the same morals and values. I loved Rex for who he was, not what he looked like. He fucked up, and if anything I’ve slowly learned that we’re all human and without trial and error in life you would never learn anything. So though the offer is nice, I’m going to have to pass.” I try to hide the anger from my voice. I don’t want to come off as a bitch to Ryder, but he being here and acting like this when he knows his brother is coming over isn’t just a coincidence. He’s up to something.

        There’s a look of shock in his eyes, as if he can’t believe his ears. I get the feeling he’s not turned down very often. He stands up faster than I expected, I go to take a step back to put room between us but the back of my knees hit the end table. Just when I think I’m about to eat it, Ryder reaches out and steadies me. Of course, when we’re this close God would command that Rex walk in the door.

It looks far worse than what it really is. Anger courses through me and I can’t stop my bitch slapping hand from reaching out and laying a hard one on Ryder’s cheek. His face is whipped to the side with the force of my hit. I pull myself from his hold and take many steps back, catching the smug look on his face before turning to finally face Rex.

        “What the fuck is going on?” He demands as he sits the food on the counter. The situation that Ryder has put us in is now ridiculous. Rex’s face is red with anger as he looks between Ryder and me. Ryder rubs at the red spot on his face while anger and even pain is evident in his eyes. At least the smug look is go
ne.

        “Nothing. Nothing is going on here. I was just going to give Jenna here some advice. As you can see she didn’t take well to it.” Ryder’s voice is calm
and cool but I can tell he’s ready to burst at the seams. He knows what he did was wrong. I hide my eyes from his not wanting to make any more contact with him than I need to.

        “Well leave then.” Rex says, gesturing towards the front door. I can tell what he’s thinking as his thoughts are written all over his face. Ryder moves past us as I keep my eyes trained on the floor until I hear the click of the lock going into place by Rex.

        “Now you know I’m going to ask what that was about Jenna. You asked me to come over and hang out and yet, when I get here my brother and you are practically mauling each other. I’m going to give you five minutes to explain before I go out there and kick his ass.” He’s frustrated, and he runs his hands through his dark locks. I look up and see the deep waves of emotion in his eyes. The darkness in them sucks me in, and I feel like I’m panting for breath. Like I’ve been thrown into the deep end of the pool and forgotten how to swim.

        “It wasn’t what it looked like, and though I know you probably won’t believe me, Ryder has been acting weird lately. I don’t want to cause problems between you guys because you
’re brothers, but I get the feeling he doesn’t want us together. Also, if I had feelings for him, I wouldn’t have invited you over. Plus, you should know me better than that. That would be the ultimate betrayal to get with your brother.”

There’s an edge to my voice. I’m hurt that Ryder put me in this situation, I’m hurt that Rex doesn’t know me well enough to know I wouldn’t do that to him. Though, after what he did to me I guess he would assume it’s expected.

        He closes the distance between us in mere seconds. His hands grip the side of my face, and my body molds into his. It’s like he’s the missing piece to my puzzle. Like we’re a lock and key. Meant to be, lost without one another. His sweet breath lands against my face. I reach my hands up and place them on his chest right above his heart. The steady, but erratic beat brings me back down to earth. His lips brush against my forehead with a feather light touch. The rough texture of his lips on my skin sends shivers down my spine. I know if I don’t take a step back and get a breath of my own air, and time to clear my head, we will be headed down a faster road than needed.

        I take a step back, and Rex’s nose skims against mine. He pulls me back in, our noses touch, and I breathe him in. “I’m so sorry Jenna. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry you’re hurting, and I’m the cause of it.” His voice is soft and rich. Like a luscious piece of fresh chocolate cake. I close my eyes, afraid that tears will prick to the surface if I don’t.

        “I know I’ve said it once, twice, a million times but I will forever make this up to you. My biggest mistake was not telling you sooner. You were never a pawn, trick, or joke. Being with you was like breathing. It was simple, refreshing, and it felt natural. I fell for you the moment my eyes landed on you in the parking lot on my first day. I didn’t realize you were Jenna, and right then in that moment I wanted you. I still do. I want you every day.” His words wrap around me like a bandage tending to the wounds of my broken heart. I’ve waited for him to say these words to me for months.  His hands grasp into my hair as he pulls me closer to him.

        “I know we can’t be together right now, I know you’re hurting, and I plan to make that right. But you’re mine, you will forever be mine. I will fight for you
til the day I die and I know you feel the same way.” I ease my head onto his shoulder and wrap my arms around him. Our bodies mend together. Our bleeding hearts finally becoming one. You don’t realize how much you miss something until you no longer have it.

        The tears I so badly wanted to hold in slowly ease from tightly closed eyes. They slide down my cheeks with ease. As if I had needed to let them go for months. I take a deep breath and pull back wiping the left over tears from my cheeks. My face is red and my eyes are puffy I’m sure, but I don’t care. This is the closure I needed. Yes, I had been avoiding talking to Rex for what seemed like forever, but I wanted to do it when it was right. I didn’t want him to say he was sorry because he felt like that was the right thing to do.  An apology should come from the heart, and you should mean what you say.

        “Friends it is then?” I ask curious to hear his response. I’m not ready to jump right back in with him, although I really want to. He gives me a cheesy grin as he takes a step forward; his lips brushing mine so softly if I didn’t see him kissing me I wouldn’t even have been able to tell. The next stroke of his lips against mine is deeper, I gasp out shocked that he went there.

        I pull back, biting my lips. The tingling feeling on them from the roughness of his kiss is doing crazy things to my head. “Friends don’t kiss Rex.” I mumble out, my face blushing like crazy.

        He leans in, his lips near my ear I feel his hot breath on my neck, and he’s doing nothing to calm down that thought of not jumping into things again. His tongue skims that sensitive area on my neck and I feel my knees buckling. The need to give in is so strong, like it’s hurting me more to not do so.

        “They don’t, but then again I never agreed to be friends.” He whispers softly. Memories from our time in the library months prior filter through my mind. He said those same words to me once before, then he kissed me. A smile creeps onto my face, what a smooth talker.

        “You totally had me swooning.” I say backing up and making my way over to the food. If I stood there one second longer I would’ve been mauling him like Miley Cyrus in the Wrecking Ball video. Rex is looking deliciously handsome in a pair of dark blue jeans, and tight fitted tee as usual. I look down at my evening attire, and feel underdressed. Well so much for not wanting to look sexy. No instead I just look like a person who jacked the nearest homeless guy’s clothes outside.

        “I brought a movie, even though I’m sure you have some.” He mumbles as he runs his hands through his long dark locks. His movements, so powerful, but gentle at the same time make me want to melt through the floor. Now I know why I didn’t talk to him sooner. There would be absolutely no way I could say no to that.

        “Of... of course we have movies.” I say letting out a fake laugh, turning toward the cupboard to get some plates. Stop being a weirdo Jenna. Where is Mimi when you need her? Oh that’s right, pissing the other Winchester boy off. Though I would love to say Corey has whatever Mimi is doing to him coming, I don’t fully agree with her shenanigans. What she’s doing is no different than what he did to me, and though I still have a little resentment for what he did, I get it.

        A hand lands on my shoulder, as Rex’s soft blue eyes come into focus. “Hey, are you okay?” He looks concerned and that right there causes another chip of my once impassible wall to break away.

        “Oh yeah, I’m fine. Here take these, I’ll grab the food and we can go start the movie.” I turn away from him, afraid of embarrassing myself any further. Why can’t I just be normal around him. I pick up the paper sacks as the smell of chicken fried rice, fills my every sense. By the time I make it to the coffee table in the living room I’m ready to rip the bags open. I set them down and let Rex make the plates. Just as I start to think about how hungry I am, I catch Rex staring at me.

        “What?” I ask, self-consciously running my hands through my hair. Is there a twig in it or something? My tongue scrapes against the front of my teeth feeling into the tiny crevasses for pieces of food. He smiles over at me as if I’m the world. As if, I’m the one thing he lives for. When someone looks at you like that you can’t help but stop breathing.

        “Nothing. I just want to tell you, I’m sorry again. I thought kissing you was the right thing to do. Honestly though, I couldn’t hold myself back one more second. All I wanted to do was run my hands through your hair, feel your skin on mine, and your breath mixed with mine. I can’t be near you without feeling like I need to be in you.” His words make my breath escape out of my lungs faster than needed. I gasp in a breath, but cover it with a cough.

        “I’m sorry if that’s too blunt, and I know
it’s all way too fucking soon, but I just can’t be around you without wanting to touch you. Time is never on our side… never. It goes by faster than it’s given, and to spend one more second with the way things were… I just couldn’t handle it Jenna.” He’s pouring his heart out to me in a way I never expected, in a way I’ve never seen. I knew how he felt about me but I didn’t know it was this deep, and that scares me. Loving someone deeply makes you vulnerable to pain, and that’s something I’ve had far enough of in my life.

        “Don’t be sorry Rex. Don’t ruin this night trying to make up for things of the past. You
’re right time goes by too fast. Therefore instead of living in the past, live in the future. At this moment that’s the only thing we can change.” Change. Such a funny word. Whether I walked down this path with Rex now or later didn’t matter. The day he pulled up in that lifted red Dodge Ram truck is the day my life forever changed. I don’t care what anyone says, young love is real; it’s heart beating, innocence, all consuming, earth shattering, and raw. It’s young and blooming. It’s deep and full of pain, but it’s anything but unreal. That’s what our love was like once before.

        “I know, man do I know. But I will spend forever making up those nine months that I should’ve been with you.  I know what I did may seem insignificant to others, but I have never hated myself more.” Shame is written all over his face, and I thought I would love the moment he came groveling at my feet. Therefore over the months the hate and anger dissipated and I slowly learned holding that shit in did no good when you were trying to grow from it. Instead of feeling that happiness all I was feeling was sadness. Sadness that Rex assumed he had to make it up to me.