Bittersweet (16 page)

What a nightmare that day had been.

Chapter Nineteen

When Jenna was released first thing the next morning, the staff almost looked relieved to see her go. The previous night’s drama had caused headaches for more than just her, she guessed.

Her parents had picked up Jayden and brought him to Sam’s house. He ran for her soon as he saw her and landed straight in Jenna’s open arms, sobbing his little heart out.

“I’ll never leave you again,” she vowed. “I promise you.”

Sam offered to let Jayden and Jenna stay as long as they wanted, and that got her mother going, of course. “That’s not necessary, but thanks anyway,” she said. “Jenna and Jayden will be coming back with us.”

That shocked Jenna. She hadn’t expected her mother to argue or be rude. “No, Mom. I love you, but I’m not going anywhere. I refuse to run away. Jayden’s got school now, and I can’t just pull him out like that. I’m staying, and I have enough to deal with, so please just understand.”

“Okay then, if that’s what you want. Just know the offer is there if you ever change your mind, honey.”

***

A week after that horrible day, it was time to stop sulking and start living, time for Jayden to try living like a normal child. He’d been traumatized yet again and had developed separation anxiety, yet another thing she could thank Tyler for.

Right then her biggest problem was retrieving her car. It was still parked in front of the house. She was afraid to go after it and chance seeing Tyler, afraid to start a scene, afraid she might change her mind, that he’d be able to persuade her to do so. She was vulnerable, emotional, and drained. So she held Jayden close when she had no other choice and tried hard to keep her emotions in check on the short walk over. As she buckled him into his car seat as quickly and safely as possible, she felt Tyler’s eyes on her. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up when they made eye contact, and she quickly rounded the car to get in before he could stop her.

As she backed away quickly, she glanced up and saw Tyler still standing in the doorway. His eyes were pleading and his expression was pained, and her heart tore just a little more. She’d known Tyler half of her life, had been with him almost the same amount of time, and, damn it, she still loved him despite what he’d done. Even though she couldn’t forgive him.

Pathetic
, she thought, but she was determined to stay strong and forced herself to turn her back on him to leave. After dropping Jayden off at school, she looked for a good divorce lawyer to get things going before she lost her backbone. When the attorney asked the reason she wanted to leave, she was only able to come up with one word,
betrayal
. Others came to mind afterward, but most were inappropriate to use in a courtroom. She cried the whole way back to pick up Jayden. Her actions that afternoon had made everything final, but instead of feeling relieved, she hurt more. The pain just didn’t seem to end. How could one person claim to love you so much and do what Tyler had? What was it with men? Did they all take some secret class called Manipulation 101? She could have sworn sometimes that they were born with a special gene because they sure had a good way of making you feel bad when you hadn’t done anything wrong, or maybe that was just Tyler. Sighing heavily, she pushed these thoughts away. It was time to reevaluate her life and figure out her next steps, without Tyler. She hadn’t worked in over four years, letting go of her job before Jayden was born. Her options were limited, but she needed an income and had to figure out how she could make a living while still being able to be at home with Jayden.

Two weeks later, Jenna decided to take a leap by going home again while Jayden was at school. With pulse pounding, heart racing, and hands shaking, she was finally able to breathe again seeing that Tyler’s car was nowhere in sight. She knew she couldn’t avoid him forever, but right now, “out of sight, out of mind” was the best she could manage.

As she walked in, she felt as though she was having a panic attack. Heat spread to her face, she started sweating, her hands shook, and her heart felt as if it were ready to leap from her chest.

“Hello,” she called out to ensure she was alone.

No answer.

Trying to steady her breathing, Jenna stopped at the stairs and turned toward the scene of the nightmare from a few weeks ago. Now empty, the living room still looked like it had on that day. Magazines from the coffee table were scattered on the floor. Alex had knocked them over when Tyler had thrown her off him the first time. She closed her eyes as they began to water. A sudden burst of anger mixed with a pure rush of adrenaline consumed her then, and she charged for the kitchen. She grabbed the largest knife she could find and went back to the living room.

“In my house!” she screamed. “On my fucking couch!”

She stabbed and shredded it while shrieking and crying, finally able to release some of the rage. Jenna backed up, admiring her temporary lapse in sanity. Boy, it felt good. She loathed that bitch for what she’d done but was disgusted with herself for not being able to hate Tyler just as much.

She screamed again, letting the knife drop from her hands, and realized she needed the couch out of her sight. It represented Tyler’s betrayal and all of the loss she’d endured. Charging forward, she lifted it easily and was able to pull it to the curb to be taken away with the rest of the trash. Thank God for the effects of an adrenaline rush, she thought. She felt too good to worry about the stares she’d received from the neighbors or how sore she would be later. The new renovation was good, and she smiled when reentering the house. As she imagined Tyler’s expression at seeing the destroyed couch on the curb, her smile turned into a humorless laugh. So much for him not knowing she’d stopped by.

She went upstairs to pack another suitcase and realized how tiring it all was, and missed being at home. Jenna sat on the bed and admired the picture on the nightstand—the three of them from a happier time. She picked it up and ran her fingers lovingly over the image. They were on the beach, and Jayden sat in front of them with a shovel and pail. He was about two at the time, and Jenna was laughing while wrapped inside Tyler’s arms. Tyler’s face was partially covered because he was kissing her throat. He was smirking and looked like a man absolutely infatuated. Looking at it only made her wonder more about what had gone wrong. Had Tyler strayed because something was lacking in her?

Sighing, she threw the picture in the suitcase. That one was a keeper, and she told herself she’d pull it out every time she felt the urge to strangle Tyler.

She only noticed the faded picture on Tyler’s pillow as she zipped up the suitcase, and she gasped as soon as she realized what it was of. Fingers and toes and the cute little button nose. She held it close and sobbed again.

Good God, she was tired of crying.              

“I have the same reaction. I look at it every night. It’s a constant reminder of what I’ve done to you, and I’ll never forgive myself for it.”

Tyler moved through the doorway and didn’t stop until he sat beside her on the bed. “Jenna, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, reaching up to touch her, but he pulled back before he did.

She was too emotional to voice it, but she actually believed he was sorry now that she saw him again. He loved Jayden so much, and she knew he would never have intentionally hurt him, at least. She leaned forward for comfort, needing to be held and hating that she needed him right then. Wrapping her arms around him tight, she sobbed her grief into his shoulder. Out of everything, the loss of their child had been the hardest to cope with. Accident or not, she’d held him responsible for everything and couldn’t let that go.

“I know what I’ve done is inexcusable. I understand that,” he whispered. “You were right to blame me for the baby and everything else. I just wish I could take it all back. I’d do anything to fix this.” He kissed the top of her head. “Hell, this was my first attempt at going back to work, and I couldn’t even make it through the day.” He held up a large envelope in one of his hands. “They just served me with the divorce papers.”

Her eyes widened as she glanced at the envelope and then saw for the first time that he had tears rolling down his cheeks too. “Not only am I losing my wife, I feel like I’m losing my best friend too. You’ve been that to me for years. I need you to know that, and I also need to know if you can ever find it in your heart to forgive me.”

“Tyler, I…” It was so hard to answer. Was it possible to love someone and hate them at the same time? Because that’s how she felt.

“It’s okay. I’m not entirely sure I actually want an answer to that right now.” He tried unsuccessfully to smile. “If this is what you want, it’s the least I can give you.” He took the papers out of the envelope and placed them on the night table, then signed them in front of her. “You can have whatever you want. I’ll be moving out. You can come back home so that Jayden can have his room again. The house is yours and so is your car. I’ll still make sure you’re taken care of. Ugh, I miss you guys so much already. Please know I don’t want this at all. I’m just making the first step to try and make amends.” Taking her face gently into his hands, he said, “I love you, Jenna.”

She let him kiss her one last time. Then he turned and walked out the door without looking back, giving her the privacy he knew she needed. She hated how he knew her so well, but at the same time having space was good. She felt a sudden impulse to stop him and bit her tongue to fight it. It was time to be strong and pray that her suffering would soon come to an end.

Jenna left the room without taking anything she’d packed because the time had come to stop hiding and mooching off supportive friends. It was time to start living again, or to at least try.

She still wasn’t sure what to do with herself, and although it was nice of Tyler to give her the house, she hated having to take anything from him, period. She was still bitter and angry. Then a flood of memories came back, and it gave her the urge to go through some old photos. There had been more good times in that relationship than bad, and she wanted a reminder of them. Laughing and crying as she looked through them, she eventually began to feel guilty and realized that although she hadn’t had sex with anyone else, she still wasn’t innocent, either.

She’d depended on her visions of Brady, lusted for him and loved him, thought of him while being intimate with Tyler, and dreamed of him regularly. So was she any better?

After starting to second-guess herself, she began to wonder if she should have given Tyler another chance. Maybe she could learn what she’d done wrong to drive him away. It might at least rid her of some of the heartache. Starting over felt terrifying right then. She felt so alone.

***

That afternoon while Jayden napped, Jenna paced the hallway, too nervous to stay put as she waited for Tyler to arrive so they could talk. He didn’t know she was back in the house officially, and she wondered how he’d react if she brought up counseling and a willingness to start over. 

She finally settled at the bottom of the stairs and was looking through old photos again when his car drove up, but her smile faltered immediately at seeing his expression.

“Jenna? You decided to come home?” His last words came out in a whisper, making her smile again before she answered.

“I did a lot of thinking today and a lot of reminiscing.” She looked down at the album beside her. “Tyler, I…”

She was about to tell him that she wasn’t sure about her decision anymore, that she wanted to give it a try again, but she was distracted as Tyler adjusted his position to block her view of the open front door. With eyes glossy and wide, he looked guilty, yet apologetic.

“Tyler?” Jenna whispered. She felt hot with embarrassment and sick to her stomach as the situation she’d put herself into dawned on her.

“I didn’t think you were going to forgive me.” He stepped forward. “You served me with the divorce papers, and I—”

“Sorry it took so me so long, but it’s hard to find good parking around here.” Alex’s smile faltered when she noticed Jenna on the stairs. Narrowing her eyes, she moved closer to Tyler, and Jenna couldn’t help but think,
Congratulations,
he’s all yours now.

She tried hard to hold on to her emotions, not wanting to give Alex any satisfaction. Alex’s game was obvious, but Jenna wasn’t playing anymore.

“Hello, Alex,” she said stiffly, trying to look stronger than she actually felt. “I apologize for the intrusion. I hadn’t realized that Tyler was bringing company into my home again. The couch is gone now, so were you planning to soil our bed as well?”

Tyler pushed Alex out of his way, and Jenna laughed at her insulted expression and especially at the sight of her storming off in anger. Tyler hadn’t noticed.

“Jenna, I need to know what you were about to say. Are you willing to give me a chance?”

She could see the hope in his expression. She didn’t speak as she examined him closely and realized how much he could read right through her. It was as though he expected to be able to do anything he wanted while she looked the other way, grateful just to be with him regardless. Damn him for that. She wasn’t as stupid as he clearly thought.