Bill The Vampire - 01 (43 page)

“She didn't bite you, did she?” I asked worriedly. I hadn't considered that. I wasn't even sure she could pass it back to humans, but it was a risk I wasn't really willing to take...at least not with my parents.

“No, but she came damn close. I had to put on some work gloves to finally get her in. Then it got weird.” (
Yeah, I bet it did
)

“I'm listening.”

“Your mom got in the car, but I had left my wallet in the house. I sat the cat carrier out on the walk and went back inside to grab it, and then...”

“In the sun?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“What?”

“Did you leave the carrier in the sun?” I repeated.

“I don't know. I guess so. What does it matter?” dad asked irritably. “All I know is that one minute it's quiet, and the next I hear your mother carrying on like a mad woman. I ran back outside, and do you know what I found? The cat carrier was on fire. I'm not just talking a few sparks either. It was like someone doused it with rocket fuel.”

I was definitely starting to get a sinking feeling in my stomach.

“By the time I got the hose, though, the fire was already out.” Dad went on with his gruesome tale. “The damnedest thing was the cat. I was expecting her to be all burnt up, but there was nothing left. She was completely vaporized. All that was left was a pile of ashes with her collar sticking out of it.”

“Wow. That's...bizarre,” I said, understating the whole thing.

“Yes, bizarre is one word for it. So that's why I want to know whether or not anything odd happened this weekend while you were around.”

“No idea,” I lied. “Like I said, dad, it was a slow weekend. Barely saw the cat. She kept to herself. Other than that, not much going on...hello, dad? Dad? I'm losing you. We're heading into a tunnel. I'll call...” and then I disconnected the call as I had no idea what further to say.

Ed and I drove on for a mile or so, and then he said, “I know I only caught part of that conversation...”

“I don't want to talk about it,” I interrupted.

He ignored me anyway, “But was that about what I think it was?”

I sighed as I started to confess, “My mom's cat, Angel...”

“Yes?”

“I kinda, might have...”

“Yes?”

“Turned her into a vampire,” I finished.

“YOU WHAT!?” he yelled, just barely managing to keep the car from swerving off the road.

“Turned it into a vampire,” I repeated.

“Why?”

“It was an accident.”

“How was it an accident?”

“Well, as you had suggested, I got pretty wrecked this weekend,” I said with a guilty grin.

“And how does that lead to an immortal demon cat?”

“Well, like I said, I was pretty messed up. I guess when vampires get the munchies they don't automatically go for the nachos like everyone else.”

“That's fucked up, man.”

“I know.”

“It's your
mom's
cat!”

“
Was
my mom’s cat, anyway.”

“I mean, I don't even like cats,” he went on, “and I still think that's fucked.”

“Yes, I get it. I didn't mean to vampirize the damn cat. It just kind of happened.”

“Is that even a word?” he asked.

“It is
now
,” I snapped. “And then when she woke up from it...”

“I'm listening.”

“I guess I kind of fooled myself into thinking that maybe I had dreamt it all.”

“I take it from your dad's call that you were wrong on that front.”

“Definitely not a dream,” I confirmed.

“Fucked up,” he repeated.

We drove on again in silence for a few minutes until I heard Ed chortle. I turned to see him grinning and trying...and failing...to suppress laughter.

“What's so funny?” I asked.

“I was just thinking...”

“Yeah?”

“There is a bright side,” he said.

“Do tell.”

“When we get home, you at least get to tell Tom about how you got to eat some pussy this weekend,” he said, finally cracking up laughing.

“Not funny,” I said, but it was a lie. Put that way, it was actually pretty goddamned hilarious. I soon joined my roommate in the laughter.

We laughed for a good long while until my phone rang again.

“Oh shit,” I said, tears still pouring down my face.

“Time to get back on the clock, my man,” Ed said.

He was right. I couldn't put this off. I just hoped I could think of something to tell my parents that sounded more convincing than, “Sorry for vampirizing your cat, mom and dad.” I picked up the phone and answered it.

“Listen. Tell mom I'm sorry about her cat,” I said.

“Tell her your damn self,” replied Sally's voice from the other end. “I'm not your goddamned answering service.”

“What?” I blurted out. “What are you doing on the line, Sally?”

“Oh, I don't know. I was lonely, what with you on
vacation
and all, and thought maybe I'd give you a buzz so you could talk dirty to me. But I'm afraid I have to draw the line at letting you call me mommy...or daddy, for that matter,” she quipped.

“I can think of a few other words for you,” I growled.

“I'm sure you can, but think of them while you're packing. Vacation's over,” she replied.

“What?”

“You heard me,” she sniffed in an impatient tone.

“Why am I packing?”

“Because that's what people do when they take a trip, unless they plan on traveling naked, and if that's your plan then please let me know so I can make sure I never have the same itinerary as you.”

“Hold on. What trip?”

“The one you're taking,” she said as if speaking to a moron.

“Why don't we start over, and you tell me what's going on?”

“I thought you'd never ask,” she said in that annoyingly chipper tone she adopted whenever she knew she was pissing me off. “You're going to China.”

“What!? Why the hell would I be going to China?”

“James' orders. He called and requested your presence.”

“Why?”

“Beats me. You can ask him that in person in about two days.”

“I don't even have a passport!” I protested.

“Wow, that's kind of sad,” she said. “Not surprising, mind you, just sad. Fortunately, you don't need one.”

“Why wouldn't I need a passport to get into China?” I asked. “Pretty sure they check those things there.”

“Because it's a long flight, and since commercial airlines tend to have rules against their passengers going up in smoke when sunlight hits them, I made some alternate arrangements.”

“Define
alternate arrangements
,” I said.

“You, my friend,” she replied, putting even more chipperness into her voice, “have been booked into a first class coffin in the cargo hold.”

“WHAT!?” I screamed into the phone.

“You're welcome. By the way, you might want to pack a pillow.” *click*

Bitch!

* * *

Scary Dead Things

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