Bill The Vampire - 01 (38 page)

We all tensed up and looked around... all of us except for Sally, who was still firmly rooted in place. From above us there came a hissing noise. We looked up as a desiccated creature crawled into view. Its eyes were black, all traces of humanity gone from them, and its fangs were bared. Despite her feral appearance, however, I was fairly sure who I was looking at.

“Son of a...” gasped Tom.

“Mrs. Caven?” I asked as the crazy old lady who lived... formerly lived... downstairs from us hissed hungrily in our direction.

Jesus Christ, I was a moron! I had never even given thought that Jeff might have taken seriously his stupid little accusation of me living in the same building as my mom. Although, now that I thought about it, I wasn't sure who was the bigger idiot: Jeff for believing it, or me for not remembering and checking on my neighbors. Surely she would have begged and pleaded for her life, telling him that she wasn't my mom, but Jeff was just the type of douche to hear that and assume someone was just trying to save their own ass. I guess it never crossed his mind to maybe... I don’t know... check her pocketbook for ID.

“What the hell do we do?” Ed asked in a frantic voice. Me being turned into a vampire he could handle. Staring down a centuries old monster? No problem, either. However, facing off against our geriatric neighbor?
That
was apparently the thing that freaked Ed out. If we made it through this, no way was he living that one down.

“She called the cops on me!” snarled Tom.

“Well, you
were
drunk and pissing on the side of the building,” I pointed out.

“Fuck the details,” he replied. “I say we kill the bitch!”

“Okay, so how do...” I had started to say when I suddenly became aware of the sensation of flying across the room. Stupid! Mrs. Caven had distracted me enough to not notice Jeff crossing the room to just toss me to the side like I was nothing. I slammed into, and then through, a wooden crate before finally winding up in a pile on the floor.

“Let your mom entertain your friends,” said Jeff's voice, getting closer with each word. “You're
my
guest,” he finished, looming over me.

I had taken a good shot, but had managed to roll a bit on the impact (
no doubt a fortunate side effect of my half week spent as a martial arts training dummy
). I was still far from out of it. I launched myself at Jeff's midsection, yelling, “She's not my mom, you stupid twat!”

Or at least I tried to yell that. By the time I got to
you
, I had been launched again. I must have flown almost twenty feet before landing in the center of the clearing on the nice
soft
concrete floor. Ouch! I was starting to miss getting tossed around at the dojo. At least its floors were covered with mats.

As far as battle plans went, so far this one was turning out fairly shitty in my favor. I rolled back to my feet, albeit a bit less energetically than the last time. Jeff was still in the same place. For the time being, I hadn't given him any reason to pick up the pace. I chanced a glance over to my two roommates. For the moment, they seemed to be holding Mrs. Caven at bay. There was too much chaos for Ed to get a clear shot but, fortunately for them, their opponent's body, despite being a vampire, wasn't exactly in tip top shape. She wasn't achieving much luck, either, in pressing an advantage. I just had to hope my roomies could keep their shit together long enough to last the distance, because it looked like I had my hands full. As for Sally, she was still stuck in place.

“Don't go anywhere,” I quipped to her. Mortal danger or not, I wasn't about to let a chance at having the last word slip away.

“Funny,” Jeff said. “Joke away, because it's going to get a lot harder to do that once I've torn your windpipe out.”

Okay, time to change tactics. I had no chance of winning as long as I was playing by his rules. I stood up and looked Jeff straight in the eye across the expanse of our little battlefield. “That all you got, pussy?” I sneered.

“Oh,
now
you're going to give me the tough guy routine?” he laughed. “I think we've already established who's superior here.”

“Think so?” I replied with a grin. “Your minions were all smart enough to fear me, but not you... in fact, I think you may be just too goddamned stupid to let live.” A flicker of anger crossed his eyes. That was it. He could dish it out, but guys like him couldn't take it. “I'm the Freewill, asshole. You have
no
idea what I'm capable of,” I said, pulling one of the homemade stakes out of my belt and pointing it at him. “
Come get some
!” Finally!
That
was the line to use. I don't care who you are, it is just
not
possible to say that and not sound cool.

Jeff must have thought so, too. He charged me, a complete look of rage on his face. I stood my ground for a second, just long enough for him to close the distance... and then I sidestepped and bolted for the maze of crates. Momma... and no I don't mean the crazy vampire bitch my buddies were fighting... didn't raise no fool.

“You fucking coward!” Jeff screamed as I disappeared into the depths of the warehouse.

“He who fights and runs away...” I gleefully yelled back. I took a bunch of blind turns at full speed, getting good and lost in the process. If he wanted me, he was going to have to work for it.

It was silent for a moment in the warehouse. Finally there was a scream of pain... Mrs. Caven... followed by a thud. I had a moment to hope that it was a good thud and not a bad thud when I heard what sounded like someone driving a car through the wall of a house. A moment later, the sound repeated itself, closer this time. What the hell... then it hit me. Jeff was plowing straight through the boxes and crates on a beeline toward me. Oh yeah, he was pissed.

The bad news was that, by going through and not around the crates, he was making good time catching up to me. The good news was that I knew exactly where he was, whereas I still had stealth on my side. Back when I was a kid, during trips down to the shore, I had played manhunt in the high weeds. Often times the kid who won was the one with the patience to wait for everyone else to give away their position. He would then sneak back to home-base while the rest of us were hunted down and caught. I waited a second, until it was obvious which direction Jeff was headed, and then I stealthily attempted to double back to the clearing.

My plan was... well okay, I had no plan. I was too amazed that I was still alive to be able to form a coherent plan. I was kinda playing it by ear. Maybe I could snap Sally out of it. Together we could probably wear Jeff down or, at the very least, he might be so distracted by pummeling one of us, that the other could sneak in and stake the shit out of him.

I made it back to the clearing, Jeff's cries of “where are you, chickenshit?” echoing throughout the warehouse. Tom and Ed's battle had carried them to the center of the open space. Fortunately, it looked like things were going in their favor. They had Mrs. Caven down on the floor between them and were busy working her over with their aluminum bats.

“How you guys doing?” I asked, racing past them toward where Sally still stood.

“Peachy,” Ed replied. “You?”

“Been better.” I stopped in front of the still rigid Sally and debated what to do for a split second. Finally I just said, “Screw it!” and belted her hard across the mouth.

She fell backward, but her eyes cleared almost immediately and she managed to say, “Ow.” It wasn’t much, but it was more than I had been able to get out of her so far.

“Sorry. All I could think of,” I said. I offered her a hand and helped her back to her feet. “Good to have you back.”

She started to say, “Good to be...”

“
SALLY, RIGHT CROSS
!” came Jeff's voice from out of nowhere. Without warning, Sally's fist shot out and clocked me, sending me tumbling toward my roommates.

“Sorry,” she said quickly before her eyes could once again glaze over, as Jeff immediately followed up with another compulsion.

“
NOW
STAY PUT
!” he commanded her, stepping into the clearing. He saw me lying on my ass, and smiled. “I should have probably mentioned those quick compulsions are a bitch to fight, as well.” He once again started toward me.

Quickly, I spun toward my roommates and held out my hand. “Batter up,” I whispered to Ed. To his credit, he didn't hesitate for a second. He tossed me the bat he had been holding (
Mrs. Caven appeared to be down for the count, anyway
). Without thinking, I rose and spun at the same time, swinging the bat in an arc.

*CRACK* Home run! It connected solidly with the side of Jeff's head and he went flying. Unfortunately his flight was cut short as he crashed into Sally's still form. They went down together in a bundle of arms and legs. I was beginning to wonder, if somehow I managed to beat Jeff, whether or not I'd then have to deal with a pissed off Sally wanting to kill me. But, oh, well, I guess I'd cross that bridge when I came to it.

Jeff was down, but he was far from out. Within the space of no more than a few seconds, he was already rising. The side of his head was bloody, but he looked otherwise unhurt. Shit! I had put a lot into that swing. If that didn't faze him, I wasn't sure what would.

I discarded the bat. It had suffered more damage from the blow than Jeff had, anyway. “If you guys could finish playing, I could use some help,” I said to my friends before once again racing toward the relative safety of the aisles of crates. I had just enough time to see them both shoot me a withering glare before I was dodging back and forth, trying to lose myself. A horrible thought struck me as I did. What if Jeff was smart enough not to fall for that one twice? He could kill my roommates and then take his time. He'd eventually corner me and that would be it.

I was about to turn around and head back, when I heard the familiar sound of crates being smashed through. Guess I overestimated Jeff. Good to know that I hadn't gone to the well once too often, as of yet. Gee, I wonder if he'd be even more ticked at me if he knew he was just fulfilling my stereotype of him as a big dumbass.

I was contemplating my next action when there came a thunderous roar, momentarily blurting out all other sound? What the!? It didn't sound like it had come from Jeff's direction. However, as the sound faded, I distinctly heard Tom's voice yelling, “Teach you to call the cops on me, bitch!” Alright, the shotgun! It sounded like Mrs. Caven's days of snooping on our business were over. She probably deserved a better fate than she had been given. On the other hand, if given the choice, I might take a short violent career as a vampire over slowly wasting away in some old folks home. Wouldn't you? No? Well, to each their own.

Still, I couldn't resist a little feeling of hope. One vampire down meant my buddies could help me out. “Hear that, Jeffy!?” I screamed. “Sounds like your backup plan is toast!”

“Like I need your mom to win!” he shouted in return. It was closer than I had thought it would be.

“For the last time, she's
not
my mom, you retard!” I yelled back, before realizing my mistake. My first yell had given him a general idea of my whereabouts. My second had let him zero in. Almost as soon as I closed my mouth, the crate next to me exploded, sending splinters of sharp wooden shrapnel flying into my body. However, if that was the opening act, then Jeff's fist was the encore. It came through and caught me square on the chest.

I flew through the air in a daze, crashing through one crate before finally slamming into the metal detector near where we had first entered. As I landed, I could see daylight peaking through under the door we had come in from. Or at least I thought it was daylight. I might have just been seeing stars. That one had hurt...
more
than a lot. I felt like I was busted up pretty good. I tried to take a breath and the pain almost doubled me over. Then, when I exhaled, I hocked up a gout of blood along with any air. Not good.