Beyond Complicated (16 page)

This was not happening. Not happening. Not happening. No. Just not happening.

No way was I meeting him for lunch. No way, because I'd want to bend him over the table. I wanted.

Something I could not have.

Time to go. Time to leave. Time for a new start.

In a new city.

I was good at running.

I'd been running since I was sixteen.

And I never escaped a goddamned thing.

Ever.

"Hey, Li-Li, cal me back, haven't talked to you in a while and stuff. Plus I'm sort of bored to fricken death. Cal me, for reals, 'kay? I mean it." My sister Moira and her singsong voice caled while I was having a nervous breakdown in the shower. Seth had too but didn't leave a message. A text from my boss Abby asking about my vacation and when I was planning to haul it back to work. Never. Or Monday if I resisted the urge to pack the car and drive to Alaska.

I wouldn't mind a snowy winter for a change but realy I think Alaska was pushing the freak-out a bit too far. So Maine. Meet a nice fisherman, settle down, mend nets or something. What the hel do they do in Maine anyway? Besides ride bicycles and trap lobsters like you see in the movies, I had no fucking idea.

I pressed Moira's number and waited for her to answer. "Hey, you caught me in the shower, what's up?"

"My feet, damned sweling." I heard her sigh along with the television blaring in the background and a boom. "Dammit, wil someone catch that dog before I cook it for dinner."

"When did you get a dog?" I listened to kids squealing and another crash somewhere in another part of the house.

"Greg dragged it in last week, as if I didn't have enough to do, now we're training a half grown puppy.

Yay me, FML."

"Did you just say FML?" I smiled knowing she was counting backward from a hundred.

"I can't say the real words but yeah, right now my life is effed. Doctor is talking about bed-rest if I can't get this sweling under control. Declan is playing footbal now, and Grace wants to take balet. Greg can't take time off to chase them and any hope I had of ever going back to work went out the window with a third one on the way."

"That's what they make birth control for." I reminded her none too nicely.

"Eff you very much, you effin… Declan, catch this dog and crate him. I am so not kidding. I am going to haul him to the pound if you don't."

"NOOOOO, Mom. She's just a baby," I heard my nephew shout from close by folowed by the sound of stampeding feet.

"With huge paws and a tail that can clear cobwebs off the ceiling. For pity's sake, stop running, sit down, and cal him."

"It's a her."

"I don't care if it's a zebra, sit down and catch it."

"Where's Greg?" Probably wasn't the sanest thing to ask at that moment. But when the hel did I do anything sanely.

"Off being a doctor somewhere. Hel if I know or care anymore. He wanted another baby. And then brings home a coworker's dog because he can't keep it in his apartment and… wil you just come over? I could realy use an adult to talk to."

"And someone to run herd on your brood and the mutt too, I bet."

"Wel, you are a great herder of smal beasts.

Sometimes I wish—"

"I'd had kids? For real?"

"Kel is a real kid. Wel, he isn't a kid anymore, is he? Li-Li, you would have made a great daddy. And you can have the dog."

"Sorry, Mo-Mo, can't have one in the apartment. Thank god for that."

"You love dogs. Al gay men love dogs."

"And dance music and we worship at the altar of GaGa. No, no and nope."

"Why can't you be a fun gay? I need my house decorated and my hair done."

"I wil actualy let that pass because of your delicate condition. And because I like you. Tomorrow I might not be as nice."

"Just get over here. I need to talk to you and I'd like to actualy lay eyes on you so that I know you're stil a real person."

"Fine. Gimme twenty to get my shit together." I gave in, hard. I was too damned easy. Damned doormat for everyone who wanted something.

"Fifteen and don't stop at al the lights," she said and hung up, but not before I heard another crash and a scream.

FML pretty much summed everything up in one neat little package. Maybe if I didn't feel the need to F I wouldn't be in this boat. Or just stopped drinking and let Kel move in with Seth so I wouldn't be tempted by either one of them. Yeah. FM fucking L.

I made it to Kilearn in the northeast section of the city in thirty minutes. Mostly because I stopped to pick up things for the kids. I mean, after al, I was the only uncle they had so why couldn't I spoil them? And the dog. One of those Kong chew toys ought to keep it busy. At least that's what the salesperson at PetSmart told me. What did I know about dogs? We'd never had one as kids and I never had time for one as an adult.

"About damned time." Moira lay on the couch her feet up on the arm when I let myself in. The kids, Declan now ten and Grace six, came running. Declan, despite having a ginger for a father, looked more like me than any kid on the planet. Grace, like her mother with brown hair but with Greg's green eyes.

"Uncle Liam," they chorused as they ran at me.

I caught them both and lifted them high. A chocolate lab puppy came slipping and sliding across the hardwood floor behind them, leaving chaos in its wake. She had two sets of huge paws. Oh hel that was going to be one big dog.

"How's my guys? Man, Declan, you're getting huge, what you bench now? And Gracey, I love the tiara, sweetie. Matches your princess dress perfectly." I kissed them both and set them back on the floor. "Hey, did you see where I set my bag?"

"No," Grace said wide-eyed as she looked around me. She stil fel for that trick. Declan wasn't a sucker anymore and went out on the front porch and grabbed the shopping bag, holding it high over his head while Grace jumped for it. "Uncle Liam, tel Declan to let me see."

"Declan, there's a tea set in there for you and, Grace, I think I got that Nerf footbal launcher you've been begging for."

"Cool." Declan dropped the bag to the floor and I winced, thinking that maybe a porcelain tea set might not be such a great idea. Especialy with the dog running loose.

"And who's this pretty lady?" I sat down on the floor and held out my hand for the dog to sniff. I knew to do that much at least.

"That's Candy, Princess Candy." Grace told me, hugging her box to her little chest.

"Nuh-uh, her name is Carly, or Sam. I like Sam," Declan crowed and Moira mouthed "don't ask"

so I didn't. "Wow, thanks, Uncle Liam. Want to go out and play?"

"Why don't you take that other thing out for Big Bertha here and see how she likes it. Your mom wants to talk about something so I'l be out in a while."

"And don't slam the door!" Moira shouted after them. The dog skidded her big floppy paws across the floor through the house. The door slammed and happy barking came back through the open windows. "I need a vacation. Want to swap lives for a while?"

"You wouldn't like mine either, so don't ask." I scooted to the floor beside the couch and sat waiting for her to start.

She didn't say anything, she just looked at me for what seemed like a long time. "You look tired, what's going on?"

"Nothing and too much. Seriously, don't ask." I knew it upset her when I wouldn't share every tiny detail of my life, but my life wasn't an open book. It couldn't be.

"Liam," she sighed, patting her rounded bely.

"Fine, so how's Kel these days? I see so little of him now that he's al grown up. The kids miss him."

"Knee deep in classes. Running off to Miami to surf. Stuff. He doesn't tel me much." I lied through my teeth. Kel was the last person I wanted to discuss.

Especialy in the happy family sort of way.

"I keep up with him online. He caused a bit of a stir this morning when he changed his status from in a relationship to it's complicated. I didn't know he was in a relationship. I'm stil getting over the big birthday announcement. Did you know? Of course, you knew."

"What? Because I'm gay too? Like father, like son?" I don't know why I said that.

"Because, stupid head, he tends to confide in you. Ken and Sabrina treated him—I don't know, I can't judge others on their parenting skils when my house looks like a bomb went off. But they kept that kid on edge. And when he was with you, his eyes lit up.

So I just sort of thought maybe he said something. But now I'm wondering why you're on the defensive."

"Oh. Just tired. Having complicated relationship issues myself." I leaned my chin on my knee and wondered how much I could confide in my sister.

Nothing. Nope. Not a damned thing. "I suspected, I caught him and Bily Jensen jumping apart or acting nervous a few times before they were out of high school. But he didn't confide in me. I mean, did he even know he could? I'm not sure if he knew or when he knew or who told him. About me, I mean. Probably Ken. Son of a bitch hated me."

"Ken hates pretty much everyone. I wouldn't take that personaly. The military kicked him out for conduct unbecoming so that tels you right there he's got issues." She grunted and I saw her bely jump. "Gimme your hand."

I rested my hand on the spot and felt the little foot moving and then my soon-to-be new nephew kicked me. "So cool," I gushed, couldn't help it.

Pregnancy wasn't something someone like me got to see up close and personal. I never got to feel Kel kick or… I stopped that thought by squeezing my eyes shut.

"Are you seeing someone?" Moira asked out of left field.

"Sort of. An old boyfriend moved back to town. We're dating, I think. Not sure what to cal it realy."

"Why don't you bring him to Grace's party next Saturday? I'd love to meet him."

I'd forgotten al about Grace's birthday. "Come on, Moira, don't ask that, you know I don't want to force my lifestyle down people's throats. And a kid's party is hardly the place you bring your male lover."

"So you are getting laid! You have that look.

Sheer exhaustion but with a happy glow. Bet he kept you up al night."

"Oh, hel." I knew I turned about three shades of red. I couldn't tel her the truth. And I sincerely doubted Seth and I would have anything left if he found out who had kept me up al night. "I'm not going to put Mom and Dad through that. Isn't it bad enough that—"

"That you fucked up your life when you were too young to know better but somehow managed to come out halfway decent? With a great kid that I think you had the most influence on. Lord knows those other two kids seem bound and determined to self-destruct.

Kel at least had us on weekends to see how a real family worked. You should have tried for ful custody.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of life he had that we didn't know about."

"Kel says Ken hit him once, just once, he's bitter about his life, sure, but it's tough being jockeyed around and having younger siblings who resent you and depend on you." Thinking about the confession from a few nights ago made my blood boil. Yet who the hel was I to say anything? Look what I did the first chance I got. "And realy who isn't a little bitter at his age?"

"Bring your friend, Li-Li. The kids know, you know. Mom and Dad know. No one is going to be upset if you bring your lover. It's time to stop hiding. Be who you are. Out in the open."

"Moira, it realy is complicated. I just, it's been a long time and we're just getting to know each other again. We might not even be together next weekend.

Hel, we're not together now, it's just—"

"Great sex. I get you."

"I was going to say complicated. And I've put Mom and Dad through enough melodrama, don't you think? I'm not sure I'm ready to trust him again. You know?"

"He was the one? Do you need me to kick his ass? I'l kick it anyway. As soon as I can see my feet again."

I sighed, debating how much to tel her. She was my pain in the ass little sister and I loved her but I doubted she'd understand. "He's a smal portion of that time. Moira, you have no idea of the kind of person I was then. The things I've done. Seth got caught up in it too and it nearly destroyed us both. What we had. I don't know if we can have that again. Or if I want it. So it's complicated. We're taking smal steps. We probably won't ever live together again. But—"

"Wait. Are you saying you lived with this guy?

When? For how long?" The look in her eyes ranged from hurt to angry. Damn, I'd said way too much.

"Come on, Liam, stop lying to me. You lie to everyone and, yes, keeping things secret is lying. Just tel me the truth. You and this Seth guy, you were together for how long?"

"Just a few weeks shy of six years. And when we split, wel, you know how I dealt with that."

"You kept him hidden from us for six years?

How could you… didn't you trust us? Come on, Liam, we, Mom, Dad, me, even Greg, we wouldn't have… he would have been welcome. You know that. Don't you?"

"No," I said quietly. I didn't know. I never discussed my life with them. They never broached the subject with me. Dad tried while I was in the hospital but he couldn't get the words out. "I thought it would be best to keep that part of myself secret. I thought everyone would be relieved that I didn't bring my boyfriends over for Thanksgiving dinner. I wanted to avoid those awkward family situations."

"So instead you run off to California with this guy and we were just cold leftovers. You left before Declan was born, you weren't here when he was little or when Grace was born. We saw you twice a month but we shared that time with Kel so it wasn't as if you were realy here. And Kel. He hated that you were gone. I think that's when the problems started at home.