Beyond Complicated (11 page)

I finger combed my hair, deciding not to add anything to it. The curls were under control at least. Tomorrow I'd go for a trim but today I wanted him to know what he lost.

By the time I opened the car door I decided I didn't need the jacket after al. The sun was warming the world up nicely. It was a beautiful fal-like day, instead of a crazy winter drab day like yesterday.

Noontime traffic in Talahassee was sometimes worse than rush hour. I snaked my way downtown by one and found a place to park in the garage behind his building.

Nice. It had a marble entry and elevators.

Realy nice. I stood outside his third floor apartment looking at the solid brick wals painted a tangerine color, the concrete floor sparkled with flecks of orange and blue and gold. Gator colors in Talahassee. Perfect.

Must make him crazy.

He opened the door and just stood staring at me. His eyes drinking me in as if he'd never seen me before. The old jeans and ratty t-shirt he wore looked great on him. It was my T-shirt. One I'd picked up in New York. "I remember that shirt being in better condition. Almost new."

"Yeah, wel, I wear it a lot." He stepped aside and let me in. "You look great. But you always did know how to dress to kil, didn't you?"

I lived for clothes, Seth lived for everything else.

It was why we worked. I couldn't be bothered with furniture or wal décor. Or bed linen. His idea of dressing up was a pair of jeans with no holes in the knees. I bought his first suit. I taught him how to have clothes tailored. I dressed him. And he let me. "Nice place. The Florida blue and orange theme is sort of hilarious if you think about it."

"It's tangerine and cobalt." But he smirked, his eyes twinkled with humor as he spoke. I had the incredible urge to wrap him in my arms and lick the smirk right off him.

"So what of mine do you have?" I needed to get out before I forgot that he wasn't mine anymore.

"We'l get to that in a little while. First I want to show you something." He led the way into his apartment. The big bed at the far end caught me off guard. The large open room complete with kitchen, living, and office area echoed around us as we walked.

I averted my eyes from the white sheeted bed. But I kept glancing at it. I couldn't help it.

"We can mess it up, if you want, you know, take the edge off," he said, his gaze folowing mine for what was probably the ninth time. There was need in his voice. It went straight to my dick.

"You'l have to find someone else to mess up the sheets with." I probably shouldn't have said that.

The smile that stretched his lips made me tremble.

"I did. Beautiful blond with this incredible tan and ripped body. He loved my bed. I did the most wonderful things to him in that bed. And he did incredible things to me. I don't think I've ever had a better blowjob. Not even from you. Kid has a greedy mouth." Seth stopped beside a table and indicated that I should sit. I wanted to take him apart for using Kel against me. The mental picture kept me from acting.

Both blond. Both ripped. Fuck. I averted my eyes trying to focus on the computer screen in front of me.

"Okay, first I'm going to piss you off."

"You mean more than you already have?" I said, noticing that the web browser opened to Deakman's site. And our films in particular. In one of the lower pictures I saw Seth, but he most definitely wasn't with me. "Christ. How many did you make after I left?"

"Does it make a difference? I needed money to finish law school. Deakman made me a deal. You were gone. Nothing changed. And everything changed." He looked anywhere but at me, finaly he sighed. "Maybe twenty. Two a month for ten months. With different guys. He didn't want me pairing up. I wasn't the draw he expected me to be alone, I guess. You were always the damned star. They liked to see you fuck. I'm just a run of the mil Al-American looking jock. You were special."

"So what happened, why'd you quit?" I couldn't look at the screen anymore. I didn't like seeing his body pressed against mine. Dark and light. We were always so different.

"He wanted me to bareback every time. Like we did. He could make more money. I wouldn't do it.

So the paychecks got smaler with each one. I just stopped showing up. It didn't matter. Can we change the subject?"

"You're the one with the site on display. Pardon me for thinking you wanted to discuss—"

"Just shut up and listen. I was looking for the…

you know… looking to compare it to your copy. He cut it to make it look legit. Cut in footage of other shoots. Where you seemed wiling and ready. He cut out anything that didn't look on the up and up. Added your voice begging for more. Stuff like that."

"Son of a bitch. But what do you expect? He peddles fucking porn. That he realy was a friend just trying to get us what we needed while we got our jolies for the camera?" I needed to leave. This was just more of the same bulshit.

"Did you sign the contract? At the end he tels you to get your ass into his office and sign the contract or you wouldn't get your money. Did you sign anything?"

"When would I have? I was back in Florida before midnight that night. I haven't been back to San Francisco since. What does it matter? He sent me a check for twenty grand. I got paid. Which means I accepted the damned—"

"No, Liam, it doesn't. You have him on camera admitting that you weren't under contract. Teling you that you were due a hundred thousand. More importantly you have him on camera—" he stopped and drew in a deep breath. He caught my gaze and held it.

"Violating you. The rest of it, yeah, that could be played off as part of the script but when he put the camera down it crossed into something I can do something about."

"Please tel me you haven't done anything rash?"

Terror raced through me. A vein in my forehead felt as if it was on the verge of exploding.

"I sort of sent a copy of the video to a friend of mine in San Fran, I told her to do her best to keep you safe. I told her you had a mental break because of it.

That you never signed anything. At best we can get him shut down, maybe even criminal charges. Rape.

Maybe."

"Wouldn't you be subject to that charge as wel?" I watched him flinch and look away as he fiddled with papers on the table.

"Possibly. I don't know. I was under contract for the script. The script played out the way we expected. We thought we were acting. We thought you were acting. It was in the script that you would struggle and fight. It was the plan. None of us knew you weren't privy to the script, Liam. None of us. Just you and Deakman. So yeah, if this goes wrong, the six of us could end up—"

"Then I want no part of it." That same feeling of useless cowardice washed over me. "I won't be the cause of that. Not to you or any of the other models.

I've wished vile things on you. But not jail because some greedy bastard wanted to put me in my place.

No, forget it."

"If everything goes right, Deakman wil be the only one in jail. For ilegal use of your likeness or whatever term we can come up with. Possibly get you the rest of the money he owes you. Something. We don't even have to folow up on the forced—"

"This is ridiculous. I don't want the damned money. It's just going to open up old wounds. I'l have to go out and face him. It's going to get ugly."

"It's already ugly. Your wounds are so goddamned open I see your bleeding heart."

"I'm fine. I have a good life here. I'm doing great."

"Sure you are. You live in a rundown apartment and work as an insurance salesman."

"I live there because I want to. I make good money. Not as much as you do obviously, but more than enough to live on. I have a good bit tucked away.

And I'm not a damned salesman."

"How many lovers have you had in the last four years? And I'm not talking about a quick jack off in a bathroom somewhere. I mean a flesh and blood lover whose name you not only knew, but cried out in the throes of passion. How many, Liam? Hel, I'l even settle for a quick fuck. How many?"

I walked away from the table. My hands shaking as I crossed to the far side of his apartment to the bank of windows overlooking a private balcony. I could see the old Capitol from here. At least I could see one of the red striped awnings that covered the windows. I jumped when he laid his hand on my shoulder. "Liam?"

"How many have you had? Since I left. Quick fucks, lovers. Whatever." I countered.

I felt his sigh on my neck. I let him wrap his arms around me. His chin on my shoulder looking out toward the scenery beyond. "Besides the twenty on camera. A few off, I can't remember. I was angry and cheap sex assuaged that anger. One lover. Just one.

Liam, I want you to come back to me. I love you with everything I have. But if I can't have you. I want Kel."

"Do you love him?" I couldn't stop the pain twisting in my chest. I don't know what hurt more. That he could so easily pass me over for another man. Or that he was making me choose. Him or Kel. I couldn't have them both. If they had each other then I'd have no one.

"I do. I love you more. I want you more. Friday night nearly kiled me. Having you inside me again. I want that forever. And I want him. I can't have you both. I know that. Give me one of you. Walk away if you have to, but don't take Kel away from me too."

"I can't make that choice. Don't ask me to. I can't be with you and I can't stand knowing he's with you."

"Why? Just tel me why?"

"One."

"What?"

"You asked how many lovers or fucks or whatever. The answer is one. Friday night. Just you. I haven't even kissed anyone since you. Why do you think this is kiling me? Because I'm jealous or furious or whatever because of Kel? I've been in love one time and I stil love that man. But I'm terrified of him. I'm afraid of you, Seth. And that's the only answer I can give you. Big goddamned coward is what I am. Hiding from everything, pretending I'm not damaged goods. I can't give you Kel. He's not mine to give."

"No, he's not. But you love him and it hurts you to admit that, doesn't it? Love him maybe too much.

You or Kel. I need you, Liam. I've always needed you.

Like I need air to breathe. I'm nothing without you. And I suspect you're nothing without me. If you leave I won't folow, but I wil go after Kel."

"You're trying to make me angry. Like Friday so I'l forget. It's not working."

"I want you so much. I don't care how I get you. Angry. God you made me hurt Friday. It felt so damned good. You inside me, around me, al over me.

I've dreamed of you, for years. Wanting that again." He slid his hand down my chest, I felt hot wet lips on my neck. I sank back into him, too weak to fight his voice and his hands. If I left, he'd leave me alone forever. If I left, I was giving him permission to date Kel. I hated the thought of both. He wrapped his other arm around my waist and held me to him. Pressing light kisses along my neck until I couldn't stop the groan I fought. "You want me. I can smel your arousal. I love the way you smel."

"I don't want him hurt. I can't be the one who breaks his heart. And neither can you. You know that."

I turned in his arms and wrapped mine around his lower back. I rested my head on his shoulder protecting my neck from his mouth.

"I could have you both. No one would get hurt that way."

"You're a damned pervert." I turned my face into his neck and smiled when he jabbed me in my side.

"Next thing you'l say is we can have a daddy and son ménage."

"Shit, Liam, don't make me come in my pants."

He ran a hand through my hair and puled. "The fantasy of that makes me… Christ."

"You are getting pervy in your old age." I loved how his hands felt in my hair. His lips grazed my forehead. "Leave the kid out of this."

"You're the one who mentioned a ménage so don't blame me. And I'm not old, I'm barely thirty.

Unlike you, old man." I felt a shirt button give way, his breath was warm on my face. I raised my head and faced him. His eyes locked with mine, holding me captive. "Stil beautiful. Nearly forty and you look the same as you did when I met you. Not even a white hair yet. How do you do that?"

"My Da made a deal with the little people for a fair and brawny boy child. How the hel should I know?

I see wrinkles and al kinds of ugly going on in my mirror." I tucked my hands in his back pockets and dragged him tight against me. He was deliciously hard.

"I love you."

"I know," he whispered as he gently placed a kiss on my mouth. "I can see it in your eyes. I saw it Friday night when you looked at me in the restaurant before fear rushed into your memory. It nearly kiled me watching you run from me. Not knowing why you were running. Again."

I turned him to the window and pressed him hard against it. Inserting my knee between his legs, I took control of the kiss. Soft, just lips, barely grazing him. I flicked him with my tongue, running it across his bottom lip until he moaned. "Love you… so much…

Liam? Need you."

His deft fingers had my shirt open and pushed back onto my upper arms before I could say a word.

But I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to taste and rub and swalow his moans. I arched against him—