Beyond Complicated (28 page)

The depression medication helped. It took time but it helped. I couldn't talk to the police about what happened. They came. Often. I finaly was clearheaded enough to tel them it happened in California and they never came back. The shrink was the only person I told anything to. And I didn't tel him the whole truth. No one knew the whole truth. Sometimes I wondered if I knew the whole truth.

I watched the sun sink in the sky from the smal window in my private room. Night was coming so early now. It was November. Thanksgiving not that far away.

Christmas would come soon after that and I was unemployed with a possible heart condition. I caled Seth, let him know to pick me up that night, because one way or another I was walking out of here tonight. I tried to cal Kel but his phone went straight to voice mail. I didn't leave a message.

I stood in front of the window, dressed to leave, the jeans I'd worn on Saturday and the T-shirt Da had brought me to sleep in yesterday. My shoes were in the closet, I had no idea where my jacket ended up. The door opened and a sandy haired doctor dressed in blue scrubs, a white jacket, with the ubiquitous stethoscope around his neck, and a pair of shockingly white sneakers stepped into the room. He peered at me from behind a pair of rimless glasses. His green eyes seemed to devour me. Something about him seemed almost familiar. He was shorter than me, thinning hair, strong face and delicate hands.

"Oh, my god, it is you." He looked at me as if I were a ghost come to life. "You look exactly the same.

Exactly. You are stil the most beautiful man I've ever seen."

He moved with a grace that seemed familiar.

Yet I didn't recognize him and then I did. Twenty-five years ago I'd had his face memorized. Twenty-two years ago we were inseparable. I don't know why I did it but I walked to him and without asking I squeezed him tight to me. "Brad, oh my god, look at you, how have you been?"

He stepped back, his smile that same shy lopsided smile I remembered from junior high The same smile that first told me I had a slight developmental issue to deal with. That smile usualy made my dick grow and quickly too. That smile made me hide behind notebooks or wear my shirt untucked just to cover the erection it caused al the damned time. "Look at you, you're a doctor now."

"And you're stil beautiful. Damn, Liam, it's so good to see you." His smile faded when I spotted the ring on his left hand and raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, married, she's a good woman, we have three kids. I don't regret anything. If, you know, maybe it would have been different if…" he stopped speaking and cleared his throat as he looked at my chart. "I didn't believe my eyes when they sent up your test results.

Couldn't be the same Liam McGuire, age is right. How many damned Liams could there possibly be in Talahassee, right? And here you are, in my unit, how is that for coincidence?"

"Coincidence," I laughed. I hadn't thought of Brad in years and suddenly his name was everywhere and then he just walks in as if he'd been summoned or conjured or… "Were you going to say it would have been different if it was me?" I needed to know. I wanted that part of my life closed even if I thought it was over years ago.

He stood stiffly, looking everywhere but at me, he banged the chart in his hands and shifted on his feet.

"Because if I'd known. I was so afraid to let you know.

Everything would have been different if I'd known." I added, feeling like a fool. "Okay, you have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? So just forget I said anything."

He looked at me finaly and before I could catch my breath his fingers slid along my jaw line and his lips just barely grazed mine. I sighed and puled him closer and kissed him properly before I let him go. "I, ah, yeah, okay. I never acted on those feelings. I would have for you. But you didn't seem to share my feelings.

And then you slept with that girl so I forgot about…

Liam, you're my one regret." And then it was as if none of this had happened. His doctor face came on, it was sort of like his game face back in the day. We could be goofing off with the siliest shit but when the coach blew that whistle al that was forgotten. That's what he did.

An invisible whistle blew and he went from being that kid I had a crush on a milion lifetimes ago to the big bad cardiology specialist. "There isn't anything wrong with your heart. Just the aberration in electrical flow crossed the wires and the motor kept running in the lower portion while the top went on idle so to speak.

Your cholesterol needs to come down a bit, and Liam, how long have you had panic attacks?"

That last part caught me off guard. Al my damned life. I didn't want to tel him that. I didn't like people knowing I couldn't control every little aspect of my life and sometimes fel completely apart. No one had ever known until Saturday and that one had been the monster of them al. "Don't let me be your regret," I said instead. "We were great together. We could have been more. I wish we'd been more."

"It's too late now, I made a choice. You made a choice. It is what it is. I love my wife and my kids. I won't change that now just because I've seen you again," he sighed.

"That's not what I meant, I meant for you to know it's al right to not regret those years. Of course, it came out wrong, it always comes out wrong. Brad, I didn't make a choice. Sabrina Adams and Kenny Jones made a choice that robbed me of my choices. I would have chosen you. I was drunk, she got me drunk, she was already pregnant, looking for someone to pin it on because Kenny was leaving her. And then you stopped speaking to me. I would have chosen you. But now it's too late. Al this time and it's al water under the bridge."

A knock sounded on the door and Seth stuck his head in the room, his eyes alive with love as he found me.

Kel right behind him, the same look in his eyes. My men. My heart did a little triple beat and settled down.

Brad saw the looks we shared and his shoulders slumped. He knew. He would stil regret.

"That day we wrestled over the remote, the last time you stayed over at my house, that was the first one." I finaly answered his question. "At least it was the first one I remember. I've always had episodes that I couldn't explain. Moments when time seemed to stop and start again."

"What are you talking about?" Brad looked between us, al of us, his eyes filed with dread. He'd forgotten.

"You asked how long I've had panic attacks.

That night when we fought, I had my first attack sitting against the wal on my bed, trying not to freak out because I wanted to make love to you and I was so afraid you wouldn't, didn't return my feelings and you turned your back on me and I knew. I could never let you know. I panicked, sitting there, trying to breathe and think and not freak the hel out when I was freaking out on the inside. I get them when I feel trapped. Or when I can't control what's happening to me. I tried to kil myself four years ago. I couldn't control anything, I couldn't sleep or eat or bathe or function. I panicked and it never stopped, just one non-stop panic express for days."

"Have you seen someone about it?" Brad became Dr Carlisle while I spoke. My men flanked me, both putting an arm around me. Brad noticed this but didn't say anything.

"I spent six weeks in psych under a doctor's care. I stil see him. I haven't been on medication in a while. He didn't think I needed it any more. I'm not depressed. I'm not bi-polar. Just sometimes I can't control things and I panic. I'm not proud of it. I don't tel people. I function and I'm normal. As normal as I can be under the circumstances."

"What caused you to break four years ago?"

Brad seemed to have left the doctor part behind for a moment, his concern came from his heart. I could see it in his eyes. I couldn't answer him.

"He was raped, it was pretty bad," Seth said softly and looked away. "I couldn't protect him and I nearly lost him. He shut everyone out. Left me. I didn't know. I never knew, why didn't you tel me?"

I shrugged. I couldn't tel him. Brad looked green. "And Saturday? What happened Saturday to send you to my unit?"

I started to answer but Kel beat me to it. "My crazy mother finaly went after him. I couldn't stop her this time." Kel looked at Brad with curious eyes. If things had played out any differently, Brad would have been the man he spent weekends with, it would have been Brad's life that Sabrina destroyed instead of mine.

And for his part Brad studied Kel closely. His eyes finaly going round.

"Good god, you're the spitting image of Kenny Jones, aren't you? Your mother would be Sabrina Adams then," Brad managed to say his eyes roaming between us, to Kel's hand on my shoulder, his proprietary behavior and Seth's. I saw confusion in his eyes.

"Yeah, Ken and Sabs are my parents. You knew them?" Kel knew who Brad was, he was a smart kid, he could put two and two together and come up with Brad was the Brad he'd heard about.

"Sort of, went to school with them, and Liam.

Ken was a particular thorn in my side for a couple of years. So how did you meet Liam?" That was easy. No condemnation, not exactly acceptance, but he didn't know Kel, and assumed that this wasn't the kid I supposedly fathered. It was a start. We could be together somewhere else and no one would know. I could have Kel and no one would think anything about it. Except I would know.

"It's a long story. Involved. Anyway Sabrina caused this mess. Spreading lies and Liam has always been a particularly favorite punching bag of hers." He did that too smoothly. Lie. The boy could lie so easily.

Change details. Keep it believable and avoid direct answers. Kel would always be an enigma to me, wouldn't he? I just lied by omission. I never answered direct questions and I kept my secrets.

"Maybe you should consider anti-anxiety medication, low dose, to keep the panic attacks under control. I wil leave that to your doctor but I don't want to see you back in here. You're too young and too fit to be in my unit. Looking at you makes me feel like I need to hit the gym. And I want you to keep that appointment next week, just to make sure there aren't any problems lingering—and Liam, it was good to see you again. Stay in touch this time, okay?" Brad raced through that and started to leave. He was freaking out now that he knew. I remember that face too. The one he wore when he was at a loss for words.

"Brad!" I caled to him before he could get out the door. He turned, looking at the three of us with sort of a deer in the headlights expression. "No regrets, okay? I have none. You shouldn't either."

"I know, and realy, man, it was so great seeing you, you take care of that heart and I'l—I regret like hel slamming you into the lockers that day. I regret not sticking around when you found out Ken was on the hook and not you. I regret that it took me this long to get the courage to kiss you. I regret that I'm not the one standing beside you right now. But I don't regret my children and I don't regret my life, I wouldn't have that if that night had been different. I loved you, Liam, I was a kid and it was a crush. I'm happy now. And I'm glad you are too."

"Brad…" I stopped him again before he managed his escape, his shoulders slumped again. "I loved you too. I'l see you around, okay," I said, but somehow I knew I never would again. When Brad Carlisle walked out that door, a homosexual man pretending to be a functioning hetero, I would never see him again. I was a memory to him. One he didn't want.

And I was okay with that because my heart didn't beat for him. It beat for the two men standing beside me.

"Does that mean we get to take you home and have our wicked way with you tonight?" Kel said and I snorted. He looked so pitiful staring at the closed door.

"He's a horny little bastard, Liam. I can't handle him by myself, man, we need to get him that leash."

Seth reached around me and fluffed Kel's hair. Kel reached back and thumped his ear.

"Children, please behave or I wil put both of you on a leash. I'm in the cardiac wing of this hospital and if you keep it up I'l probably end up back in that bed." I puled them both to me and kissed them soundly. First Seth, for having to take care of our horny man/child by himself. And then Kel just because I was going to buy him a leash and I wanted to stay in his good graces until then. And because I loved the hel out of him. He tasted like spunk. Shit had blown Seth at some point in the last few minutes. I simply looked at them with raised eyebrows. "Wel, at least I know the two of you can find something to keep you occupied when I'm not around."

"Come on, Liam, I had to do something, he was about to shake out of his shoes. Had to calm him down, he thinks you're at death's door. Besides I always wanted to in an elevator, you know."

"Oh hel, they have cameras on those things," I groaned, knowing Kel probably got a thril out of it. But Seth was so uptight and respectable now.

"Felt like old times," Seth said shocking me. "I always did my best work in front of a camera."

"I can't take you people anywhere, can I?" I laughed and dipped my head down to kiss Kel again, savoring his talented mouth. "Missed you so much."

The nurse came in with paperwork and cleared her throat. Seth and Kel shifted away from me, neither of them looking the slightest bit embarrassed. I knew my face was on fire but they were mine and I wouldn't make any excuses for my life. Discharge papers signed, I was forced to ride in a wheelchair down to the lobby with Kel making baby jokes al the way down. Seth finaly wrapped his arm around his neck and puled Kel tight to him. A kiss shut him up. I felt the love between them even from across the halway. Seth might be jealous of him but he loved him. Almost as much as I did.