Beyond Complicated (18 page)

"Probably after class. Kace had a soccer game this morning and Kim is over at a friend's house talking about boys and the dance last night. Girls, I realy just don't get them. Al they do is sit around talking about ways to catch boys. Her friends think I'm gorgeous.

One even asked me to prom last year."

Moira lay on her side curled up, smiling until that, then she started laughing. "And what did you and your boyfriends talk about when you had sleepovers?"

She probably regretted that the second the words left her mouth but if she hadn't, the look Kel gave her should have warned her.

"Nothing," he said quietly. "We were too busy putting our mouths to better use."

"Kel!" She shrieked, nearly coming off the sofa in non-exaggerated shock. Kel just laughed and circled the living room again. I couldn't help laughing at her expression. I mean she did ask. "Liam, oh my god, did you and, and Brad ever, oh please god—I think I might just shut up now."

"That's probably for the best, but no, Mo-Mo, I never with any of my friends. I was too uh, how shal I put this—"

"Chickenshi—er… chicken." Kel stopped the swear word but not the mocking grin. "But you're not chicken now. You could have any guy you want with just the crook of your finger. Makes me sick."

"And I have." I smiled until I realized what we were discussing and in front of whom the second Declan sat back and realy looked at me. "Sorry, Mo-Mo. I forgot. But that brings us back to the original topic, doesn't it?"

"Liam, bring your friend next Saturday. The kids won't understand that it's nothing to fret over if you hide it away. Bring Seth. If he's the one. And stop worrying so much about what people think. You're gay, so what?" Moira sighed and rubbed her bely, she looked drained now.

"What's gay, Uncle Li-Li?" Grace said from Kel's back, her silver slippers dragging the floor, purposely slowing him down.

I looked at Moira, who looked at me, who looked at both kids including Kel in her gaze. "Go ahead," she said with a shrug.

"It means, sweetie, that I prefer to love guys.

But I haven't found the right one yet. I thought I had but…"

"Why not Kel? He's gay too." She looked at me with a slightly cocked head as she climbed off Kel.

"He loves you. You can love Kel."

Moira choked and sputtered and Kel just looked embarrassed but there was a spark in his eyes when my gaze met his that chalenged me. "No, baby.

Oh, Liam, Kel. I'm so, uh, Gracey honey, Uncle Liam and Kel are, sweetie, you know Kel is Liam's son, right? He's your cousin, baby. And that is ilegal."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot. I forget sometimes. Kel looks like his other daddy, the scary one. I just forget,"

she said, physicaly upset now.

"It's okay, Gracey," I said holding my arms out for her. Holding her close for a hug. "It's confusing. I know. Kel lived with his other daddy and not me but it's fine, it confused me too, for a long time." But not anymore. I had my head on straight now. Another mistake and another broken heart but this wasn't going to happen. I'd leave first. "So you are going to be seven next week. What do you want for your present? Name it, anything my princess wants."

"I don't know, can I think about it?" She asked cautiously her smal face looking between me and her mother, which told me she probably already had a list a mile long but needed to consult it first. Women.

"Sure. But don't wait too long so I have time to get it for you. And no ponies. Not as long as we have Kel around, you'l break his heart." And he didn't need everyone breaking it. Especialy not after I leave. That trip to Maine was notched up high on my list. Better yet, somewhere land locked so that the surf wouldn't cal him.

"Ah, okay, I hate to break this up when it's getting good. But I've got to head out, parking isn't easy especialy during mid-terms and, with the game tonight, I doubt I'l find anything at al." Kel climbed to his feet and said his goodbyes to the kids, and the dog, and then Moira.

"This was so great, Kel, come visit more often.

Bring a friend if you want, sweetie. We love you, the kids miss you. I think maybe Bertha might want to adopt you. She's sort of got this puppy love look right now." Moira wrapped her arms around him when he leaned over her.

"I wil, Aunt Mo, I'l be closer at Liam's and I guess maybe I forgot some things too. Like who loves me." There was a catch in his voice that hurt my heart.

He was just a lost little boy looking for love and acceptance and—

"I want to see the new paint job so I'l walk you out." I stood up and dropped Grace into a chair, letting her bounce as she shrieked.

"Can we come too?" Declan begged.

"Why don't you let Uncle Liam and Kel have a few minutes, you've hogged him al this time playing horse and chasing the dog. Speaking of dog, why don't you take her out back and let her go make potty."

Moira sat up for the first time that day and waddled with the kids out of the room, giving me a nod over her shoulder. "And we'l have ice cream or spinach. Who wants spinach?"

I waited for him to sling his pack over his back before I hooked my arm around his neck and walked him outside, closing the door behind us. "Liam? I love you."

"I know and I love you," I said very quietly, meaning it the way he wanted me to mean it. "But I can't. I want to. We can't have what you want Kel. Not here." I hadn't meant to add that last part. We couldn't, shouldn't do this at al, anywhere. I wanted to taste him, to turn him in my arms and hold him tight and tel him how much I wanted to bury myself deep inside him.

And god it wouldn't be a lie. I wanted to be with him, wake up with him, love him. Maybe forever. And my chest ached with the loss of something I wasn't supposed to want.

"We can go away, where no one knows us. I'l take the poly-sci diploma, we can leave after Christmas. Please, baby, don't…" he caught his breath, composing himself. "You're seeing Seth, aren't you? I mean I know you're in love with him and he's so sweet and so sexy and he's so good in bed, you can't give him up. Not even for me."

There was raw pain in his eyes. Pain I hated knowing I caused. "We're not seeing each other.

Talking. Trying to figure out what happened. If we can salvage anything."

"And fucking." We stood looking at his bike, my arm stil around his neck in a headlock hold just in case anyone was looking. I let him go and stared blindly at the Harley I'd gotten him. Gorgeous bike, I thought about buying it for myself but when he was dead set on one of those racing bikes I bribed him into this. A nice safe classic bike. Solid black and sleek and sexy as hel.

Those little crotch rockets couldn't seat two as easily as this baby could.

"Yeah." Which reminded me of this morning and the topic I didn't think I'd ever have with Kel. Of course, I never thought I'd know what his dick tasted like either. "Kel, Seth and I, we haven't been—" How the hel did you say you could have just infected your kid with a straight face? "Safe. We haven't been sane or safe and this morning I didn't think, I just acted before I was fuly awake and… I don't know where he's been or who he's been with. But I've only been with him and, now—ah fuck. In four years. When I came home I went through the tests and I took the cocktail just in case and I was so sick for a long time. Until I knew I was clean. Deakman didn't infect me. And I haven't so much as given head since then. But I don't know about Seth. I'm sorry."

"Should I get tested? Can you get it from sucking cock? I've been pretty busy in that department.

I could be, you know." I felt him tremble next to me.

Hoping we looked as if we were talking about the damned bike that I wasn't able to focus on.

"I don't know. I'm not sure if that's ever been proven one way or the other. I'd have to look it up. I trusted the medical reports, probably shouldn't have, and found a monogamous partner. I never fucked anyone but him without a condom. Just Seth and—oh, shit. This is going to bite us hard, isn't it? I don't want to hurt you. I can't believe—"

"My fault, I forced it, I take ful blame. I was stupid and possibly drunk and horny and it'l be fine. I'l find a couch to bunk on until next semester and I'l get back in the dorm. I just love you so much and I wanted you to love me. And, fuck, I'm going to cry like a goddamned girl." He slung his leg over the bike, kicking it into life.

"I do love you. I want you so much it hurts." I leaned in close to tel him. "Don't move out. We'l figure this out."

"Yeah, maybe," was al he said before he roled out of the drive and started back toward the university.

Moira waited on the porch when I returned to the house. Her short mahogany colored hair needed brushing, her bloated and swolen body caused her pain that I could see in her eyes. But she was stil beautiful. I loved her. I hid so much of myself from everyone because of what I feared they would think of me. And as I looked at her standing there with her arms around her ful bely and her bare swolen feet, I imagined how she would react if she'd overheard our conversation.

What would my family think if they found out I'd slept with Kel? Would I ever see my family again? Would I be welcome here?

"What's up with you and Kel? And don't say it's complicated. Something is different between you," she said softly, laying her hand on my arm. "He is different with you. I'm not imagining it."

I sighed, what the hel was I supposed to tel her? Yeah, he's different because I fucked him senseless. And oh my god, the kid did things to me that had me begging for more. I've never had that, not even with Seth. "Kel and I are sleeping…" shit fucking hel what the fucking hel was I doing… "with the same man.

Or we were until he introduced me to his new boyfriend. It's complicated, Moira. And sordid and not something either of us is ready to discuss. Damned love triangle with my son and someone is going to get hurt.

Probably al of us. Now do you see why I can't bring Seth? Seth is Kel's new boyfriend. Seth was my lover for six years. And I won't discuss this anymore."

"I'm sorry, Li-Li. I can't even begin to imagine how that feels. Okay, you know I can, I had a huge crush on your friend Brad. Before I knew you went that way. And you did too. That's how I figured out you liked guys. Watching you and Brad and how you looked at him. Your eyes would light up and you would blush and smile and quickly hide al of that away."

"Because Brad wasn't gay. Because he was my teammate and I wanted to get naked with him. And he wasn't gay. It was too risky. If I'd made a move, there were a few scenarios that would have played out. Best case, Brad would have let me blow him because he was horny but that would be the end of our friendship.

Medium, Brad would have kicked my ass and he could.

He was probably the only one who could back then.

Worst, he would have told the whole team and I would have been kicked off or, catastrophic, one or al of them could very easily have… Moira, men have been beaten and even kiled by their friends. Men I've known. You don't hear about it because no one wants to talk about it. Hate crimes against gays are stil very much alive. Back then…" I shook my head. "Kel was lucky he found a friend to experiment with. I was too afraid of losing everything I held dear. Does that make sense to you? And here I am right back in that position.

I might lose everything because Kel fel in love and I don't know how to deal with it."

"And Brad looked at you the same way you looked at him. Maybe if you'd stopped looking away, you would have seen it. I did. And I see how much you love Kel. Realy love Kel. You won't hurt him. You're the one who wil come out broken hearted. Without either Seth or Kel. Because that's who you are. Kel is young. He'l find another boyfriend. Or he won't. He'l hate you or he won't. Love Seth or don't. Just make sure it's what you want. For once in your life, Liam, put yourself first. Because I love you and I want you to stop being miserable. And stop being noble. And take care of the kids, I'm going to take a nap. When I get up, I'm kicking your sorry ass out so maybe you'l go do something unnoble. Ignoble. Whatever the hel the word is."

And she walked off, leaving me standing on the porch trying to figure out just what exactly happened.

And Brad so did not want anything to do with me. He was so damned straight he… that one time he stayed over and we were fighting over the remote and he brushed against me, his dick hard from just wrestling on my bed… I remembered suddenly. Brad, the quarterback with the straight light brown hair he kept cut too short and light green eyes and fast hands. I was the one to pul away. As if I'd been burned. I let him have the remote. I watched as he sat hunched on the edge of my bed and changed the channels while I leaned against the wal trying not to think what I was thinking. We were fifteen. Stupid kids fighting over a remote control that ended in boners and… what the hel was I thinking? That was more than a lifetime ago. Brad wasn't interested in playing hide the salami with me.

Moira was fifteen when I graduated, she couldn't have seen anything. We hardly spoke that year anyway. Brad and I. Because I was going to be a father and he wasn't happy about that… because he was in love with me and he thought I was straight and… fuck.

I went back inside, found the kids in the den in the back of the house, chalenged them to a game of some kind, and ended up playing Wi until Greg came home. Which was good because I thought I was going to die playing a video game with a couple of little kids who were kicking my ass al over the place.