Assertiveness for Earth Angels: How to Be Loving Instead of Too Nice (16 page)

So, you whisper to the friend next to you: “I'm not enjoying this movie . . . are you?” Your girlfriend smiles with an expression of relief that you've put into words exactly how she feels. It turns out that none of your friends like the movie, but they're afraid to say anything and ruin everyone else's time. Because you had the courage to speak up, the evening is saved! You leave the movie early and go to a restaurant and enjoy a nice meal together instead.

If you were people-pleasing, you'd endure that movie because you wouldn't want to spoil other people's fun. But because you had the courage to speak up, you actually helped your friends.

And you'll find that this is the case in nearly every situation where you speak up. Again, speaking up doesn't mean aggression. Speaking up simply means that you
own
your feelings and state them clearly without blaming anyone else and without anger or sarcasm in your statements.

People-pleasing is a form of being controlling and manipulative. It stems from fear, not from love. People-pleasing comes from a place of unworthiness and undeserving feelings. You're convinced that other people won't like or love you if you show them who you really are.

Remember that you're a creation of God, made in the image and likeness of the Divine Creator! Everyone and everything that God creates has Divinity and inherent natural beauty and uniqueness. You are Divine!

It sounds counterintuitive, but you'll like yourself more when you're genuine with others. The more you can embrace your unique self and trust your passions and interests to guide you upon the path of your purpose, the more you'll find like-minded friends.

If you've been teased for being weird or odd, that's a sign that you have special qualities and uniqueness that the world needs. How drab and boring would it be if everyone was alike? And in some circles of people, it's an insult to be called “normal.”

If you people-please, everyone will know it. People-pleasers never get away with their act. Others know that you're faking your feelings, laughter, and smiles, and they'll doubt your sincerity and your integrity. They won't trust you, and they'll wonder what else you might be dishonest about. So people-pleasing can sabotage your credibility in business, and your trustworthiness in relationships.

Pretending in order to be liked or to fit in with others never works! For one thing, it's exhausting to put on a front for very long. You'll find that you're absolutely drained of energy and enthusiasm from pretending to be someone other than who you really are. Plus, pretending detaches you from your real feelings. You'll
forget
who you really are after a while. You'll give up your true interests. And no matter how many friends you've attracted as your false self, you'll still feel lonely and unloved because they don't love you for your
true
self.

The only way to fill your heart is to take the risk of being your authentic self publicly, and then let nature take its course. The people who don't respect you aren't allowed to be in your life anymore. The people who are attracted to your uniqueness are possible friends, provided that you're also attracted to the idea of being friends with them . . . and they treat you with respect.

Remember that there's never been a person in history who was universally loved by everyone, so don't waste your time with this impossible goal. Be yourself and you'll attract like-minded people.

Other people can feel when you're being genuine and sincere. They'll relax around you and respect you more when you let go of trying to control their opinions about you, and allow your true feelings and natural reactions to shine. And you'll know that
the real you
is being loved and appreciated, which will increase your self-confidence and self-esteem!

CHAPTER TWELVE

KARMIC RELATIONSHIPS

T
he relationships that drive you crazy with anger and frustration originate from a past life. These are the people who really get under your skin and exasperate you endlessly. Very often, these karmic relationships are with people in your immediate family.

Karmic relationships mean that you've had prior lifetimes with this person, and you both were sent back to be together to work things out peacefully. This was your soul's choice, although it was probably highly pushed upon you by your guides and angels, who helped you script out much of your life. Usually a karmic relationship is someone with whom you had a battle or shared other harsh circumstances. You returned together in this lifetime to ensure that you'd work things out, and clear both of your energies.

If you don't clear the energies in this lifetime, you'll be pressured to continue to incarnate with this soul again and again and again. And each lifetime, his or her relationship to you will continue to be close, either through genetics and familial bonds, or through friendship, marriage, or career. So, that annoying co-worker could be your mother or husband next lifetime unless you clear the energy with her in this one.

You're brought together with the other soul so that you can forgive him or her. This doesn't mean forgiving their actions. It means detoxing your soul by releasing anger toward them. You don't have to hang out with the person, but you do need to release old pent-up toxic feelings. Holding in old anger is caustic and unhealthy.

It's also a waste of time and energy to blame that person for family dramas and your own upset. Blaming is a projection of our ego, where we don't own our own shadows and ego issues, and we put them in the basket labeled: “It's their fault.” And while it may be true that that person is the instigator of traumas, blaming him or her doesn't help the situation and doesn't balance the karma between you.

Karma and Earth Angels

Remember that you can't control or change any person except yourself. Your spiritual growth as an Earth Angel demands that you learn how to be at peace in the presence of annoying and infuriating relationships and circumstances. This is also part of your healing and teaching mission—to be a role model of how to walk through stressful and harsh circumstances with grace and poise.

To an assertive Earth Angel, the karmic relationship is like a final exam. It gives you the opportunity to test out all that you've been learning through this lifetime and have an impact through all subsequent lifetimes. It's the equivalent of the hero facing the dragon or the mortal enemy, and using all of his or her warrior skills at once. This is the exciting last scene from all action movies, where good triumphs over evil.

Sometimes it's helpful to do past-life work, such as a regression or asking your unconscious mind to give you a dream about your past life with this person. When you remember your past with your karmic-relationship person, it defuses the present-day anger. It helps you step back and detach from the current dramas.

You don't need to share the past-life information with the object of your karmic relationship, unless you feel strongly guided to do so. Talking about these types of issues may bring up even more unnecessary drama.

The next step in unraveling the tangled karma between you two is for you to understand that this isn't about the other person; it's about
you
and
your
spiritual growth and future lifetimes. Loving and caring for yourself means making an investment that helps you have more peaceful relationships now and in your future, including your future lifetimes.

As annoying as this karmic relationship is now, it will only become more intense if it's allowed to continue into the future. You have the power to stop the karmic wheel!

Breaking the Karmic Cycle

The first step to break this karmic cycle is for you to take responsibility for its presence in your life. Your soul agreed to be with this person because it was necessary for your spiritual progress. So forgiving yourself is the ultimate secret to healing everything in all directions of time.

This involves forgiving yourself for entering this relationship whenever you did in the distant past lifetime. You probably were given red-flag warnings by your angels then, which you chose to ignore or override. Forgive yourself for ignoring those red flags, and vow to listen from now on. Life lessons only count if we learn from them.

Yes, you're infuriated by the way this person behaves. But this is how this individual's personality works and has always worked. You were the one who chose to try to be in a relationship with him or her long, long ago. You were the one who decided that all of those red flags that your angel sent you didn't matter. You were the one who decided that you could change or fix the person.

Now it's time to let go of that fantasy that this person could be as you desire or dream him or her to be. You're not the other person's Source, nor are you the author of his or her life scripts.

Karmic relationships are akin to having a tug-of-war. They're power plays, where one person will pull and the other person will pull back. No one wins in karmic power plays. But when one person drops his or her side of the rope (through the process of forgiving him- or herself for getting into this tug-of-war in the first place), the power struggle stops.

Of course, dropping the rope and forgiving doesn't mean that you'll turn into a passive person. Remember, this is about
increasing
your personal power and assertiveness. In the past, you've tried aggressive, passive-aggressive, and passive processes within your karmic relationships. None of these have worked. Now it's time to be assertive, which means being honest with yourself and others. Honesty means that you let go of the agenda of trying to control, fix, or change the other person. Honesty simply means: speaking your truth, and letting the chips fall where they may without attachment to outcome.

Avoiding the karmic relationship (staying away from the person) can only work if you can get to a peaceful place inside your mind whenever you think of that individual. Your litmus test of whether you've balanced the karma is when you can see something that reminds you of the person and your blood pressure doesn't go up.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

PARENTAL ASSERTIVENESS
WITH A
STRONG-WILLED CHILD

E
arth Angels from the lightworker generation often have children who are indigos. Most commonly, lightworkers give birth to indigos, who in turn give birth to crystal children; and crystal children, as adults, give birth to rainbow children.

These are designations that aim to best describe the different characteristics of various generations:

• Lightworkers
  tend to be synonymous with our definition of
  Earth Angels
  , meaning those who are highly sensitive and yet out of touch with their true feelings and reluctant to share their truth openly.
  
• The
  indigo children
  are also highly sensitive. The big difference is that this generation comprises strong-willed leaders who are very outspoken about their feelings. Indigos have a well-developed truth detector in them, which can instantly tell them whether or not a person is sincere and if he or she has integrity. Indigos tend to have a temper, and an edge to them. They're natural-born activists who speak out about social and environmental issues.
  
• The next generation is the
  crystal children.
  These are even more sensitive people who are very connected to nature and animals, are highly artistic, have big eyes that stare, and rarely talk much. Crystal children are happy, sweet, quiet, forgiving, and very wise.
  
• The next generation is the
  rainbow children,
  who are still very rare at the time of this writing (2013). Rainbow children are essentially crystal children who talk a lot.
  

Lightworkers Raising Indigos

Of all these generations, indigos present the most challenges for parents. They don't respect anyone unless that person deserves respect according to the indigos' protocol. The indigo generation is here to dismantle corruption. Much as a drug-sniffing dog can detect narcotic paraphernalia instantly, the indigos can spot a fake or phony authority figure.