Assertiveness for Earth Angels: How to Be Loving Instead of Too Nice (11 page)

As an Earth Angel, you're naturally loving and kind. Being honest is a part of that loving and kind nature. It shows that you care enough about the person in the relationship to keep it long-lasting and healthy.

In business relationships, being honest earns you respect. Honest people are viewed as strong contenders for advancement in the business world. Your genuineness is a sign that you have substance and strength, which is what healthy organizations seek in their employees. And you'll be much happier working for a healthy organization!

As we previously discussed, those who are “phony nice” are instantly spotted as weaklings whom shark-like people take advantage of. “Phony nice” means having an insincere smile and agreeing to things that most people would never agree to. Everyone can spot a person who's being real, as well as identify someone who's pretending to be happy when he or she is obviously not. “Phony nice” also means that you defer to others' opinions and never formulate or stand up for your own ideas. “Phony nice” people rarely get raises or promotions at work. Those who are real are admired and promoted, because they're trustworthy. People sing their praises: “She's so real!”

While you're being honest, it's important to own your feelings, as we previously discussed. That means avoiding pointing fingers, and not using blaming words or a sharp tone of voice.

It's about being honest from a place of love. This is the highest vibration of communication, similar to how the angels are truthful with you, even telling you things and guiding you in ways that are uncomfortable for you to hear, such as when they urge you to improve your diet or lifestyle.

Honesty is part of being a good and loving friend. It's important to be gentle yet firm while being honest. What this means is that your tone of voice is melodic and sweet, without tension in your throat or inflection. But at the same time, you're clear and steady, such as looking the other person in the eye directly.

Come across as friendly, but also be sincere. If you're angry, it's okay to show it. You're human, with human emotions. When you're real, other people trust you more because they can tell that your words match your energy.

Most Earth Angels are terrified of their own anger. They're afraid that they'll lose control if they finally unleash their hidden anger. But actually, releasing it a bit at a time is similar to letting the air out of the balloon slowly. You have more control when you don't have pent-up anger inside of you.

Be honest with the other person, without trying to control or manipulate him or her to react in a certain way. Tell it like it is and let the chips fall where they may. If people react with anger, those are
their
feelings, and they have a right to their feelings. Now, what they do with their anger is a whole different story. You never have to take others' abusive words or behavior! It doesn't matter what your relationship is, or how much you need them in your life. If they're yelling at you, name-calling, or threatening you in any way, walk away.

Red Flags

The angels will always protect you from entering toxic relationships,
provided that you pay attention to the signs they send to you
. If you don't listen, you'll end up in a toxic or even abusive relationship. In relationships, these signs are called
red flags
, which are cautionary messages you receive from your intuition, your body's signals, and your angels.

When you meet someone new, your stomach will tell you immediately about the energy of the person and of the potential relationship. Always pay attention to what your stomach does in the presence of another person, because it will tell you the truth. That's why they say to
trust your gut
.

If your stomach muscles tighten, it's a sign that you're stressed in that person's presence. It can also mean that the other person is stressed around you, and you're picking up on his or her tension. Either way, you're feeling tension, and that's something to consider when deciding whether or not to move forward with this relationship.

Next, watch the person's actions and listen to his or her words. Notice any signs that he or she is lying to others and bragging about how he or she got away with something, or any other exhibition of unethical tendencies. Watch for any talk of racism or racist jokes. Also, notice if the person gossips about mutual friends or puts people down in unkind ways. Yes, it might be amusing to engage in gossip about others or laugh at them behind their backs. But know that this person will also be trash-talking and gossiping about
you
.

Every time your stomach gets tense, that's one red flag. With each new person, you'll want to be conscious of these red flags before you completely open yourself up to him or her. If you get red-flag warnings about someone's character, that's your angels' way of protecting you. The angels are trying to steer you away from that relationship.

Standing Your Ground

Sometimes you might be saying things to people that they don't want to hear. And you, as an intuitive Earth Angel,
know
that this isn't what they want to hear. You may react to that person's anger or disappointment as you're honest with them. You may even consider backing down from your opinion. This is where practice is needed to develop the inner strength to stand your ground.

Of course, as an Earth Angel, you'll listen to others' opinions, too. You'll give them the respect that you want for yourself, but watch out for the trap that sensitive people sometimes fall into where they silence their opinions and feelings because the other person gets louder.

Don't cave in just because someone gets loud or in-your-face with their opinions. Don't engage in a power struggle, either. Very often, power struggles arise because of one person's need for attention and validation. You can defuse a power struggle by making your own power so large that the other person feels it unconsciously, and backs down. You can enlarge your energy by breathing deeply, and on each inhalation feel yourself drawing power up from the core of the earth, through the bottoms of your feet and up into your body. Visualize your energy and power being enormously large, and the other person will back down.

People don't change much, and you certainly can't be the one to change them. There's an old saying: “A leopard doesn't change its spots.” What this means is that people basically continue to have the same sort of behavior patterns and personalities throughout their lives. And yet Earth Angels are constantly disappointed and surprised by this very basic human concept.

I've run into this myself. For instance, a person will ask me to give a workshop at a conference, and I notice right off the bat that the producer is very disorganized and doesn't follow through with e-mails or other forms of communication. But I rationalize that this is just a temporary behavior from this person. And that's because I'm projecting my ideals of how I believe others “should” act. Then as the event gets closer in time and the producer continues to be disorganized, I shouldn't be surprised, because this is how he or she had been with me originally.

Defining Your Own Self

Don't allow others to define you. Another person's opinion about you is just that: an opinion. It doesn't matter how often someone states it, or how loudly. It's still an opinion and not fact.

If disparaging or mean things are being said to you, that's a form of abuse. No one has the right to call you names, tell you what you can or can't do, or make you feel bad about yourself. There are some people who are incapable of giving approval or the amount of love that an Earth Angel needs and deserves. Pray for that person, but don't waste your valuable earthly time hanging out with him or her.

CHAPTER NINE

TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS:
HOW TO
RECOGNIZE
AND
HANDLE THEM

E
arth Angels are “nice” people, with big, open hearts, so they can't see when they're involved in toxic relationships. They excuse and minimize other people's behavior: “He didn't mean to act that way. He was having a bad day.”

Even more toxic is when Earth Angels blame themselves for someone's harsh behavior: “If I were nicer [or thinner, smarter, richer, etc.], then he'd treat me better.” This is nonsense! Don't take responsibility for someone's cruel treatment.

Earth Angels tolerate harsh and even abusive relationships because they're afraid of being alone, being in the wrong, or being judged. They force themselves to rise above mistreatment by disconnecting from their feelings.

Dissociation from your feelings does no one any good. It makes you out of touch with your physical body, which can lead you to overeat without realizing you're full. It can also lead you to ignore symptoms that need immediate healing treatment.

Dissociation also keeps you from sensing your emotions. When you're numb, you can't hear your angels' messages. Your sensitivity shuts down. Since heaven's messages come on the frequency of your attunement to energy, you need to be in touch with your feelings.

Earth Angels don't know any better than to stay in a harsh relationship, because they haven't had a lot of experience with human relationships. After all, they're used to living in the higher-vibrational realms! This has led them to be socially awkward, and they may feel terribly lonely. So they allow
any
relationship to persist because they don't want to be alone.

As an Earth Angel, you're a teacher for peace. If you take the harsh treatment others dish out, how will they learn? Also, if someone's treating
you
harshly, he or she is definitely doing the same to others. By your teaching him or her a better way to behave, you can prevent other people from being mistreated.

Harsh and Toxic Behavior

When you first meet people, they're on their best behavior. They'll agree with you, even if they really don't. It can take up to two years before you see the real person. That's why it's important for Earth Angels to take things slowly in their romantic relationships and friendships. Until you get to know the real person, don't get married to—or go into a long-term business with—him or her.

In any relationship, there's a synergy (energy exchange) between both people. Unless you're being authentic, you don't know how well you interact. If you're both pretending when it comes to your feelings and opinions, and being falsely polite and insincere, there's no real relationship.

The following pages list the most common types of toxic relationship behaviors for you to recognize, and how to deal with them in honest and assertive ways that are healthful for you and the other person. These examples give you guidance as to how to assertively handle toxic situations.

Most Earth Angels have been beaten up by life and suffer from low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. So they often don't recognize abusive and toxic patterns in their relationships. Earth Angels don't know any better than to accept hurtful behavior from others. They deny and excuse such behavior, while secretly suffering in silence. So this list will help you not feel ashamed or alone in your relationship patterns, and also give you a way out.

By pointing out these harsh relationship patterns, we're not judging the individuals involved. Many times, Earth Angels are so wary of being judgmental that they overdo acceptance. This isn't about judging another person; it's about being aware of the dynamics within the relationship.

Sometimes, style differences between you and the other person are what cause the harsh energy of the relationship. For example: You're quiet and gentle, and he's loud and rough. You're spontaneous and go with the flow, but she's all about planning and organizing. Through awareness and honesty, style differences can be negotiated harmoniously if each person is willing to compromise and have compassion for the other person's style. However, where abuse is involved, the relationship needs to end and healing needs to begin.

This list is to open your eyes and help you to be aware of your honest feelings when you're with other people. It also gives you some suggestions for assertive ways to manage these various scenarios. There's no implication that you need to leave or abandon anyone; however, you
do
need to take care of yourself and any children affected by your being in a toxic relationship.

Interrupting

The person who continually interrupts you doesn't really care what you have to say. Interrupters are people who are anxious to hear the sound of their own voice, and who are convinced that they provide the most interesting and accurate conversation. Very often, the interrupter is someone who's abusing caffeine or other stimulants, making him or her anxious and hyperactive.

—
How this relationship affects you
: If you're in a relationship with an interrupter, you begin to talk really fast to get your words in before they can be interrupted. You start to feel anxious whenever the interrupter initiates conversation with you.