Asperger's and Girls (9 page)

When instructing about the basics of menstruation, it’s helpful to create a social-story type book, using the student’s name, along with illustrations, such as abstract pictures or realistic photos, to explain their period. A story is a good way to remind them of what will happen when they get their period. And by including an individual’s name throughout the story or book, a girl will feel it is truly about her.

When teaching about menstruation, use actual pads and allow girls to practice putting the pads in and taking them out of a given pair of panties that have not been worn by anyone. The practice will familiarize them with the feel of the pads, and how to take off the protective strip and position the pad inside the panties, as well as learning to sequence the steps to pad changing. To produce authentic looking blood during practice sessions, use red food coloring on the pad. The red food coloring looks surprisingly realistic and will prepare them for actual blood on their pads. This is important because not only do they need a realistic visual of what it will look like, but many girls are afraid of blood, and this will help to desensitize them to the real thing.

Since many girls with Asperger’s have sensory issues as well as difficulty with change, have your child or student practice wearing a pad for longer periods of time to get used to the feel of it in their panties before they actually have their period. Always allow your child to choose the type of pad she wants. If she is given the choice of selecting the type of pads herself, she is more likely to wear them.

Again, it is not necessary at this time to teach young girls about the biology of menstruation, reproduction, childbirth, or sexual intercourse. Those topics can be discussed at a later time, when a student is older and more mature, and ready to digest that information. Learning the basics about menstruation and learning to take care of themselves during their periods may be more than enough for girls to handle at this stage in their lives. Nonetheless, all of this instruction may take time, so be prepared to repeat lessons. Encourage them to ask questions, quiz them on what will happen and what they need to do.

Prepare girls for the discomforts of menstruation. We don’t often think about cramping, bloating, menstrual headaches and PMS until we actually have those discomforts. But girls with Asperger’s may not associate those problems with getting their periods, and we can’t assume they will make that connection, or be able to problem-solve on their own, when they have various menstrual difficulties. Discuss with your daughter or student the various problems that could arise and give her specific solutions for dealing with them.

Privacy and discretion are important components of menstrual hygiene and need to be a part of the puberty curriculum. For example, we don’t announce to mixed company that we are wearing pads or have our period. We don’t necessarily show people our pads and tampons—certainly not to boys and teachers. We can discuss our periods with girlfriends, Mom and the school nurse, but not with boys and adult males, other than perhaps our father. Understanding what’s socially appropriate with regards to menstruation can be hard, and the rules can change depending upon the circumstances. We need to anticipate the various scenarios and address the social rules about menstruation, including possible exceptions to the rules, with our daughters and students. The more prepared they are for demonstrating privacy and discretion with their menstruation, the more socially appropriate they will be when they are having their periods.

It is socially appropriate for teenage girls to shave their legs and underarms. Girls who don’t shave are likely to be teased and humiliated. Most neurotypical girls decide to shave on their own, but the idea of shaving may not occur to girls with Asperger’s. At some point before high school, parents will need to explain the reasons for shaving and carefully instruct their daughters on leg and underarm shaving. Step-by-step instruction and practice is essential before having girls take over this task on their own.

Problem-solving can always be a challenge for students with Asperger’s. Anticipate the problems they may have regarding their periods and generate appropriate solutions for them, so they will be prepared before an actual problem arises. For example, if they get their period at school and are unprepared with the necessary pads or tampons what should they do? If they accidentally stain their panties/clothing while at school, what should they do? If they develop severe cramping while away from home, what can they do? Establishing a female buddy at school who can help them out with any of these problems is always helpful, and in some cases necessary. Think about what they will need when they are away from home and how they should carry their feminine products. If your daughter doesn’t have a purse or is not in the habit of carrying one, now is the time to instill the routine use of a purse.

Teaching Sex Education

Once your daughter or student is able to manage her menstrual hygiene on her own in a discreet and socially appropriate manner, then you can continue with her sex education.

I have always felt that it is important to educate students with Asperger’s about sex education in high school, even though most of their neurotypical peers already know this information. By the time they reach high school, most girls with Asperger’s are ready to learn about sex education, whereas earlier it may have been meaningless or too difficult to understand. As teenagers, they are typically more prepared, and mature enough, to comprehend this information. And often, given the social pressures of high school, they will need to have a thorough knowledge of sex, including sexual intercourse and other sexual acts, reproduction, sexually transmitted diseases, and birth control. Most importantly, they need to understand the rules and safety regarding dating and sex.

It actually becomes necessary to re-teach all this information to teenage girls, even if they appear to know enough about sex education. In fact, it will surprise parents and educators to know just how much about these topics teenage girls with Asperger’s don’t know. As a result of their naiveté, they are at a great disadvantage and can easily be persuaded to engage in sexual activities in order to gain friends, including boyfriends.

Typically, by the time girls with Asperger’s are in high school, they are often more aware of their peers and usually want what everyone else wants. They want to fit in, be popular, have friends, and also have boyfriends. They don’t usually know how to get a boyfriend, and, depending on how badly they want one, are often willing to do whatever it takes to have a boyfriend. Because of the nature of Asperger’s girls, they can often be easily deceived and bullied into doing potentially harmful activities, including sexual acts.

Addressing Personal Safety

Issues of personal safety need to be reiterated and strongly emphasized at this time. Especially for girls, adolescence is a time of increased incidences of sexual molestation and abuse. This is especially true because they are typically not under the care of any one teacher or adult assistant at school during their adolescent years. Students are typically in more places, often unsupervised, than they were in grade school. Waiting for the bus, riding the bus, locker rooms, playgrounds, bathrooms, hallways and being out and about in the neighborhood are only some of the places where there is little or no adult supervision. Since most junior highs and high schools are large with many staff and students, usually no single adult is looking out for the best interests of a student with Asperger’s. Likewise, students with Asperger’s don’t usually have a clique or group of friends to hang out with, who can be with them in unsupervised situations and watch their backs, so to speak. As a result, they are easy targets for bullies and anyone wishing to take advantage of them. It’s no wonder that the incidence of sexual molestation for girls with special needs, including Asperger’s, is 80% before the age of eighteen. (
Harvard Education Letter,
April 1999)

Girls with Asperger’s tend to be immature, naïve, gullible and easily deceived. They usually want to be like others girls, and might be persuaded to do all manner of inappropriate behaviors, in order to be accepted by their neurotypical peers. Like others with Asperger’s, they typically have poor problem-solving skills, and often don’t know what appropriate steps to take when they are molested, abused, bullied, or taken advantage of in any way.

Physical abuse and bullying of any kind is not to be tolerated, and your daughter or student must be instructed to tell several adults, especially her parents, whenever others physically hurt her. Bullying may be more subtle, but equally frightening and troubling. Bullying can be defined as behavior towards others that is intended to intimidate, threaten, scare, tease and hurt. Bullying can often cause serious emotional, if not physical, scars. Make sure your daughter or student understands that bullying is always wrong, and the bully is the bad guy. Bullying is not a result of anything she did wrong, and is not likely to go away even if she cooperates with the bully. Sometimes school personnel do little about bullying, which is why it’s important that a student always inform her parents about any bullying. Parents have the leverage to advocate for their daughter and demand a viable solution to a bullying problem.

If your daughter or student has not already learned the rules of socially appropriate touching, now is definitely the time to teach her. This information would include where it’s okay to touch others, such as friends, teachers, students, and adults other than family members, as well as where it’s okay for others to touch her. According to basic rules of social touching, the hands, arms, shoulders and back are generally considered okay to touch briefly in social situations. Lingering touch of any kind may cause the person who is touched to be uncomfortable and possibly upset. All other areas of the body are usually deemed inappropriate touch areas, and off-limits even for casual, social touching. It is never appropriate to touch or be touched in a person’s private areas, either briefly or lingering. And this would include when a person’s private areas are naked, dressed in underwear or fully covered with clothing, as in a social situation.

Hugging and kissing are also touching. Although it may have been appropriate to hug teachers and others when they were younger, as adolescents this is no longer appropriate. Kissing should be restricted to family members only, and open mouth, tongue kissing should only be allowed with long-term boyfriends or husbands.

Touching herself on her private areas, such as her breasts, buttocks and between her legs, even fully clothed, is considered a very private act and should only be done in the privacy of a bathroom stall or her own bedroom. Even if she needs to quickly adjust her panties, for instance, it is still inappropriate for her to put her hands down her pants or touch her private areas in a public place. It is always socially inappropriate to touch your private areas when others are watching. It goes without saying that if she engages in masturbation, she can only do that sexual activity in the privacy of her bedroom or bathroom when she is alone with the door shut. Furthermore, masturbating is never discussed with others, including parents, unless there is a medical problem resulting from the masturbation.

Hopefully, by the time she is an adolescent, your daughter or student should understand and demonstrate rules for modesty, and know when her privacy has been violated. It is still necessary that she demonstrate discretion and modesty when dressing and bathing, and respect the privacy of others. She needs to learn and follow the rules for changing when at school, and be suspicious of anyone who is obviously watching her, or staring at her private areas when she is undressed. It is a violation of her privacy for someone to ask to see her naked and undressed, or spy on her when she is changing. She should never allow anyone to take pictures or movies of her naked or undressing, or give pictures of herself to anyone that show her naked or undressed. This would include pictures over the internet, via email or web cam. Likewise, she should not look at or accept pictures of naked people, or people involved in various sexual acts, from others.

Make sure your daughter has a good understanding of sex, sexually transmitted diseases, and birth control long before she begins dating. Likewise, she needs to understand what constitutes sexual molestation, physical abuse and rape. Most girls with Asperger’s are not knowledgeable enough or mature enough to be dating when most of their teenage peers are dating. As parents and educators, we need to be leery when our daughter or student talks about going on a date, meeting a boyfriend, talking to boyfriends online, etc. We need to find out exactly what is going on, and make very sure no one is taking advantage of her.

At some point, your daughter may decide she is ready for a sexual relationship, and if she is over the age of twenty-one, and/or living independently, there might not be much that you, as a parent or guardian, can do about it. In any case, be very sure she understands that sexual activity of any kind must be mutually consensual. She is never under any obligation to have sex with anyone, no matter what she’s told. Likewise, she can decide to stop a sexual activity at any time, up to and during actual coitus. If she decides she doesn’t want to continue with a sexual activity, no matter what it is, she needs to say “no” and “stop” loudly, and perhaps push her partner away. Even if her partner doesn’t stop, she needs to make it very clear that she is refusing to continue.

Anytime a person (or persons) forces you to have sex, despite your protests, that is considered rape. Rape is a serious crime, which needs to be reported to the police. If your daughter is ever raped, she must immediately tell her parents or another trusted adult. Explain to her that she will need to go to the hospital to be checked by a doctor or nurse, and that the crime will then be reported to the police.

As much as we may be uncomfortable with the subject, it may be necessary for parents and therapists to help young women with Asperger’s learn about dating and healthy sexual relationships. Sometimes this may involve a step-by-step instruction of what to do and say, as well as role-playing date situations. As always, we need to emphasize safety and responsibility, especially with regards to a sexually active lifestyle.