Asperger's and Girls (6 page)

The reason for explaining these three social structures is because they intertwine with each other. That is why it is difficult to fit in if a girl with AS does not automatically sense them as typical peers do. If a girl with AS does not understand one or more she is less adept for fitting in than a typical girl. Cliques exist at any level in the Popularity Hierarchy, have members in any of the Common Roles, and the girls within the clique may be at any Level of Relationship with each other. That is why it is difficult to navigate the teen social world as a girl with AS.

Tricky Situation: “Best Friends” Already

Girls change
best
friends less often than they shift most friendships. Girls confide most in their best friends and feel as though they have power because they have such a close connection—something most girls constantly search after. This security gives best friends confidence. It is emotional when best friendships end because there is so much trust and secrecy involved. It is a big deal in the girl world.

Sometimes a girl with AS may make new friends with a peer who already has a best friend. Being a new third party can create problems because the old best friend could be intimidated by the shift from a two-person structure to a three-person structure. The pair may have certain ways that they have always done things, and the girl with AS needs to be able to accept that she is a new member in the group, not best friend #3 yet. In this situation a girl with AS should be friendly to both, and keep in mind that the old best friend may feel intimidated by her, and may feel as though she is going to steal away her best friend. A good way to become friends with a girl and her best friend is to be casual about showing interest directly to one girl. Also, if there are other girls in the clique, the girl with AS should look for the girls who are not “claimed” or part of an exclusive best friend pair. Chances are that she feels insecure that she does not have a close or best friend, and she could be a good person to build a friendship with. A girl with AS needs to come to an already-best-friendship with the expectation that the other two will choose each other and she will not always be included.

Disclosing Asperger’s Syndrome to Friends

Disclosing Asperger’s Syndrome is something that requires planned and careful consideration. Girls should consult trusted adults for guidance, and discuss what to say. Disclosing can lead to many different outcomes, and often depend on who the peers are as individuals, and how the information on Asperger’s is presented. For example, a professional explained to my brother’s choir that he has AS after they had a few weeks to get to know him without knowledge of his Asperger’s. They had indeed noticed differences about him, and the professional was able to make sense of what the students had observed in the context of his diagnosis. It was successful, and the students were understanding. There are many different ways to disclose. It is possible that classmates have already noticed a social difference, and disclosure provides a logical and legitimate explanation for what they have noticed, and prevents them from continuing to form inaccurate opinions.

Also important to consider is the amount of time and Level of Relationship a girl has with the peers she wishes to disclose to. Feeling out when and how to disclose is a social skill in itself. Some outcomes may be positive, such as the experience my brother had, yet the outcome may be far different if a girl discloses to untrustworthy people. She may believe she is among friends when, in fact, she is not. Some girls who disclose their Asperger’s Syndrome become even more targeted. Students could use that information as fuel for teasing and gossiping. A girl with Asperger’s should be very sure she can trust a person before disclosing to him/her. It may be something close friends should know and understand, but it isn’t always necessary for everyone in the classroom to know. Sharing personal information with the wrong person could result in a social stigma that could last for years. It needs to be accurate information explained in the right way, and to true friends who have genuine interest in the acceptance and understanding of their friend with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Sometimes it is hard to tell if letting your friends know that you have AS would help socially. Will it make it easier to fit in?

Kelsey said:

One of the things that helped me the most was telling my friends after a month or two of knowing them that I had a learning disability and sometimes I may do things in social situations that are unexpected. I tell them that it is okay to correct me, and tell me when I do something wrong, because I want to improve. When friends are upset at me and I don’t know why, I ask another person, “Did I do something wrong? What social error did I make?” I have to work on being receptive and listening to their feedback.

3. Meeting Social Expectations

Typical girls have specific social expectations of each other. They expect that other girls know what to do and how to be a good friend. When a teen girl asks, “Do I look fat?” The answer is always no! White lying is an important friendship skill to have in maintaining the fragile self esteem of teen girls. If a girl with AS does not know what the expectations are, her friends may think that she doesn’t care about maintaining their friendship.

How Typical Girls Show Interest in Each Other

When an Acquaintanceship is established, the way to move it toward Friendship is by showing interest. A Friendship could move to a Close Friendship by showing consistent interest.

Typical girls show interest by:

• Calling each other on the phone
  
• Spending time at lunch together
  
• Spending time after school together, going places
  
• Hanging out at each other’s houses
  
• Joining extracurricular activities together
  
• Writing notes
  
• Giving compliments
  
• Sharing and keeping secrets
  
• Gossiping about others (yes, girls use others’ drama and secrets to bond)
  
• Sending each other text messages
  
• Instant messaging
  
• Leaving online comments on Blogs, Livejournals, Facebook, Xanga, and Myspace webpages
  
• Leaving complimentary picture comments on Myspace photos
  
• Having inside jokes.
  

Technology such as the internet and cell phones has shifted the ways that friendships form. Most teens spend time after school online instant messaging multiple friends at once. That means that they can show interest to more friends more instantaneously than the traditional methods of a phone or paper note. Seeing these signs of interest is threatening to girls who are not in on the action. Seeing friends leaving each other comments on MySpace can cause a girl to feel left out.

If a girl with AS has control, she should invite all of the established friends of a clique when doing things outside of school; that way everyone feels included, and part of the growth of the new friendship. During these group outings is the ideal time to give a positive impression to all the girls in the established group in order to blend in.

A girl with AS should know how to show interest in these ways and work with a peer, parent, or professional on knowing the right things to say in each medium of technology.

Kelsey said:

Most girls don’t want to talk about science or
Star Wars
. Find something to contribute to what girls talk about. Listen until you can contribute instead of just interrupting with the topic you want to talk about. It is better to be thought of as shy and quiet than loud and obnoxious. I stayed back from conversations and just observed for a very long time until I felt ready.

What Girls Talk About: Be in the Know

Boys, fashion, shopping, movies, and music will always be teen topics of conversation, and often girls will get their information on what is most current through television, the internet, and magazines.

The Teen Channels

Most teens watch hours of MTV. If you want to do some research on popular music and teen culture, watch MTV’s Total Request Live (TRL), and see the ten most popular music groups of the moment as deemed by America’s teens. You can look to the artists or teens in the audience for fashion inspiration. You can also see throughout the day the other MTV programs that teens are watching. Bringing up, “Can you believe that ___ is #1 on TRL?” or, “Did you see ____’s brand new video?” in conversation is a good way to show that a girl is current. Watch the TV network E! to find out about what is going on with celebrities and fashion, another popular girl topic. A contribution to conversation would be “Did you hear____ broke up?” “Did you see the dress _____ wore to the Oscars?” “Did you hear what ____ named her baby?!”

The television network, the C W, specifically targets programming towards teens. The latest and most popular primetime television shows (8:00-10:00 p.m.) on various television networks also come up in conversation. Sometimes teen girls will watch a favorite show together as a weekly social event.

Depending on what kinds of social group a girl belongs to, topics of conversation vary. Some girls are not interested in pop culture. If a girl is part of a social group that does not watch T V, or prefers to talk about politics, news, sports, literature, or the environment, she should contribute on those topics. The overall message is that most teens are generalists and know a little about many different topics.

Many girls with AS are specialists, with greater knowledge about one or two topics. Many high schools have clubs and organizations devoted to specific interest groups such as Japanimae and science fiction. Most high schools allow for students to start their own clubs, and that is a good way to find other like-minded specialists on a subject.

Girls with AS will need the conversational and life skill of being well-informed about many areas of pop culture and current events. She will need to be good at “small talk” conversation so that others may perceive her as a pleasant person in the university dormitories, classroom, and at her workplace. Having conversational skills and being a specialist is a great asset. When she goes to college, she can choose a major and meet others with a similar favorite topic of conversation, and be a specialist in her field.

www.Wikipedia.org

Wikipedia is an online encyclopedia where you can learn about any subject in pop culture, and can also be used as a typical encyclopedia. If a girl does not know about a person, TV show, topic, singer, etc., that frequently comes up in conversation, she can look it up in Wikipedia and have the entire history and related links.

Building Friendships

The way to begin to build friendships is to start with Familiar Faces/Acquaintances and go from there.

Teens, when walking around school, get into a rhythm of greeting Acquaintances to show that they acknowledge their presence by making eye contact and saying “Hey, how are you?” “Good, how are you?” as they walk by each other.

No one tells the reality of their feelings (“My dog died, and I am so depressed!”) Saying you are fine is just a courtesy and acknowledgement.

Scenario: Walking around campus you see a Familiar Face/ Acquaintance from a class or activity. Greet them.

Action: Say, “Hey” or “Hi” in a casual way.

“Hi.”
“Hi.”

If they respond, do it again the next time you see them.

Next try the scripted question, “Hey, how are you?”

“Hey, how are you?”
“Good, how are you?”

If they say “Good, how are you?” you say “Good, thanks” and keep walking.

When a girl has developed an acquaintanceship she can turn it into a friendship by bringing in daily conversation. If a girl sees a classmate at a basketball game and says “Hey Katie, how are you?” it establishes that Katie has seen her there and she can talk to her about the game the next day in class. The next day in class she can ask her open, non-yes/no questions like “What did you think of____” (What did you think of the game?) What did you think of the shootout?) From there the topic can be shifted to other topics such as sports, players on the team, other classmates at the game, etc.