Asperger's and Girls (8 page)

– Carly

“In my experience, if one really needs a friend it actually makes it harder to make one, simply because such a person is looking to take something from a relationship, not give something to it.”

– Candice

“You may not get along with everyone, but there are other people like you somewhere that you will get along with. I was lucky enough to find them in choir and theatre. It’s people that are like me.”

– Rachel

Why do people bully?

“I believe that all bullies grow out of anger plus insecurity, and the really bad ones have no idea that what they are doing is wrong because this is the way they are treated at home. Since at home they are the loser, they must become the winner in the world outside their home.”

– Kris

“Because it’s easy to pick on people who don’t defend themselves, in a way picking on people protects the person from getting picked on themselves.”

– Carly

“They have control or security issues stemming from their families. Maybe they are bullied by their older brothers or sisters and feel the need to gain some kind of control by bullying others outside of their home element.”

– Jill

How did you stop the bullying?

What I did to stop it was to develop individual friends in different groups, and that created a shift in the “group think” because if one person in a group thinks you are okay, and will talk to you in the hall or outside of school, the group sees that you are okay and will treat you that way.

– Kris

“Building confidence and skills in a sport, club, or activity helps. They could pick on me all they wanted but when I stepped on a softball field I was the best and they could never take that away from me.”

– Jill

“What really helped me minimize bullying was by showing them it didn’t affect me. It was always a guilty pleasure to watch a bully become unsatisfied and frustrated when their taunting isn’t ignored but rather turned against them.... I was taught to kill them with kindness. Just be as sweet as you possibly can be. Make them believe that you are completely oblivious to their jabs.”

– Brittany

“I was definitely picked on for being fat. Although I was bullied a lot, I never let it get to me because I was a stronger person than that. I think that people who get made fun of tend to keep the mean comments with them and start to believe them because of the repetitive nature of bullying. I also knew in my mind that letting what they say stick in my mind will not make things any better; if I was going to be happy with who I was I needed to let it go and have my family and friends at my side. The true way I overcame being bullied was I changed myself, and got healthier, not for everyone else, but to make myself happier. “

– Lauren

“I tried to stay positive as much as possible. I stayed away from those mean girls as much as I could, I became closer friends with some other girls, and tried to spare my own feelings by not thinking about how much hurt I was feeling. I didn’t ignore the other girls (because that would mean they had won!) but decided to be as nice to them as possible and try not to show how sad I actually was.”

– Krissy

Online Bullying

Cyber bullies

Bullies who use the internet and technology to be mean and hurtful to their targets, often anonymously.

Instant Messaging

Using a program like AOL, Yahoo, Google, or MSN Instant Messenger, teens send instant emails to each other. Usually one-sentence-long messages, they can “chat” with several friends at once. If you are being bullied on instant messenger you can use the “block” feature to stop Cyber bullies. Get a different screen name and only tell friends about it.

Blogs/Livejournals/Xanga

Online diaries in which teens post journal entries about their thoughts. Others can see them and comment. Cyber bullies leave anonymous mean comments. Make your journal “Friends only” or “Private” so only people you pick can see your posts. Also, only people who post with a screen name can comment on your page.

Myspace/Facebook

The most popular and fastest growing sites because they are more fun, interactive, and visual than email. Teens can post pictures of themselves, email each other and leave comments on each other’s pages and pictures. Teens choose who their “Top 8” closest friends to display on their personal page will be. On Facebook, teens are grouped by high school, university, or city. Facebook has good privacy settings, so use all of them. To protect against Cyberbullies make your profile “Private” and “Approve Comments Before Posting”

Safety is important and sometimes girls with AS might not see the ulterior motives of an online friend. It is important to teach girls with AS online safety: never posting an address, last name, or telephone number online; only giving information over the internet to trusted real-life friends, not people met online; and never meeting an online friend in person, at least not without her parent being present. I know girls with AS who have been vicitmized. In sharing this information, I hope to prevent it from happening again.

In general girls with AS should be careful who they choose friendships with.

Megan added:

It is important that you are careful who you choose to be friends with, they could be using you or get you into trouble, or even involved with drugs and alcohol. Don’t fold into peer pressure or get in dangerous situations.

Girls with AS are bright and beautiful and have intellect, talents, and skills that many typical peers wish they had. The important thing for girls to remember is that bullying will stop, even if it seems never ending in the present. Girls with AS should get the right supports, go to college, and be respected and successful in a field, to study the interest that was once a barrier in high school.

Resources

The Sims
and
The Sims 2
PC game

Urbandictionary.com

Wikipedia.org

Mean Girls
on
DVD

Books

Crisswell, Patti Kelley, and Angela Martini.
A Smart Girl’s Guide to Friendship Troubles.
Wisconsin: American Girl Library, 2003.

Wiseman, Roselind.
Queen Bees & Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescence.
New York: Three Rivers Press, 2002.

I would like to thank the following people for their input and inspiration: Kelsey Leathers, Meghan McQuitty, Jill Schock, Brianna Duffy, Kris Feldman, Krissy France, Tom Lund, Bradley Markano, Lauren Mowry, Brittany Oliphant, and Carly Schmidt. Thank you to my family and especially to my brother, Tom.

For more information, visit
www.lisailand.com.

Preparing for Puberty and Beyond

Meet Mary Wrobel, MA CSS/SLP

A
teacher and Speech-Language Pathologist, Mary Wrobel has been working with students with autism or Asperger’s Syndrome for more than fifteen years. She wrote
Taking Care of Myself: A Personal Curriculum for Young People with Autism/Asperger’s
to help teach students with disabilities how to live safe, healthy lives. She also trains both parents and professionals in the area of puberty and its accompanying safety, cleanliness, and health issues.

She is a well-known speaker on the lecture circuit, as well as a consultant to many schools. She is well versed in a number of treatment modalities, such as ABA and Floortime, among others.

Having “that talk” with typical girls is difficult enough for parents; it can be even more stressful for parents of Asperger’s girls—and for the girls themselves. But it’s a mistake to believe that they will have already “picked up” information about menstruation and sex from their peers (or even from sex-education classes), as many “typical” girls do. Therefore, Mary Wrobel emphasizes, it is important to begin preparing Asperger’s girls early on about what physical, mental, and emotional changes to expect as they enter puberty, and how to handle them.

W
hen dealing with parents whose daughters are about to enter puberty, I typically experience two types of mothers. Either a given mother may be in denial that her daughter with Asperger’s is getting older and is about to begin menstruation, or the mother is in a panic as to how to teach and prepare her daughter for puberty. The rule of thumb is that all girls will go through puberty, and given the current trend of physical maturation, often sooner than we think. As parents and educators, we need to know what to expect, and plan how to instruct our pre-adolescent girls on the puberty changes that will occur. We need to be prepared for teaching these important changes to girls with Asperger’s.

Understanding Changes During Puberty

Puberty is not an easy transition for anyone, let alone an individual with Asperger’s. Most of us think of puberty as the physical changes that occur when a girl becomes a woman. But puberty involves more than just physical development and menstruation. Puberty consists of physical, emotional and mental changes during an individual’s adolescent years, as that person transitions from childhood to adulthood. Puberty doesn’t occur overnight, but takes many years to complete, often beginning as young as nine years old for some girls, and typically ending before the age of eighteen.

Most of us know what physical changes to expect during puberty, such as height increase and weight gain, followed by pubic, leg and underarm hair growth, breast development, enhanced hip-to-waist ratio, and menstruation. What is less known are the mental and emotional changes that occur during puberty, which are typical of all adolescents, not just individuals with Asperger’s.

Many of the changes during puberty are due to the increase of hormones in an adolescent’s body. This increase in hormones will cause emotional changes, such as mood swings, increased anxiety, depression, insecurity, and impulsivity. Emotional outbursts are common during puberty, as are acts of defiance and aggression. Sometimes self-injurious behavior may occur.

Mental changes are likely to occur as well. Changes in priorities and interests are common, as well as possible obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Adolescents may experience difficulty concentrating, and focusing their attention. Some adolescents may become more communicative, whereas others will withdraw, and communicate less. On top of all this there will probably be an increased interest in the opposite sex and sexuality in general.

All these changes in how teenage girls with Asperger’s are feeling, thinking and reacting can be frustrating and confusing to them, as well as to adults. They don’t know why they feel different, uncomfortable and possibly upset. They may be frightened about the changes that are taking place in their bodies and minds. It becomes necessary for parents and educators to explain the emotional and mental changes that are occurring, and reassure these adolescent girls that what they are experiencing is normal, and that they can talk about the things that are bothering them. However, as responsible adults, if you notice a significant increase in anxiety or depression, you should consider consulting a doctor.

If your student or child has significant behavioral and emotional difficulties before puberty, then it is likely those behaviors will become worse as they enter their adolescent years. It’s important, therefore, to address behavior concerns before students enter puberty. We need to teach students to understand and communicate their feelings appropriately. Students need to learn strategies to practice patience and flexibility. And they need to be able to self-calm. It goes without saying that physical aggression towards others should not be tolerated. As kids get bigger and stronger, they must find appropriate ways to express their anger and frustration, other than physical aggression towards others and destruction of property.

Traditional Puberty Instruction

Teaching about sex, puberty and menstruation has long been the job of the public school system. Most parents depend on the curriculum and instruction from their child’s school to cover those puberty topics that many parents are uncomfortable teaching. These days, other than buying the necessary products for their daughter’s menstruation and hygiene, most parents of neurotypical girls don’t need to worry about how to instruct their children on the basics.

Contrary to what we may think, typical puberty instruction in public schools consists of a brief presentation, usually in the form of a movie, with a question and answer session following. Puberty instruction may occur in a two hour session, or be spread out over a few days, usually sometime during the course of fifth or sixth grade. The puberty instruction is typically facilitated by a school nurse, or a few hardy teachers who are willing to take on the challenge. Most of these movies are more an introduction to basic puberty changes than actual in-depth sex education instruction, which may come later in high school health or biology classes. Most often the movies and discussions simply pique the interest of the students and get them thinking and talking. The real education comes from the research and the discussion among the students themselves.

Most kids are anxious to learn all they can about puberty and sex, and will search for answers, and discuss these topics in-depth with their peers. Most neurotypical students have been thinking about and discussing these important topics with their friends, often long before their formal instruction. Young girls and boys have been watching older siblings and parents, reading books, watching movies and getting glimpses of puberty and sex from a variety of sources, sometimes several years before they experience puberty themselves. When formal puberty instruction finally arrives, they are usually ready with lots of ideas and questions.

Students with Asperger’s, on the other hand, typically don’t think about these issues before or during the time they are undergoing puberty, and are often clueless of the discussions of their peers. Like their neurotypical peers they too will probably receive the basic puberty and sex education instruction in school, but the information may be too much for them to understand or they will have little interest in it. Therefore, it becomes necessary to provide additional and more specific instruction to girls with Asperger’s, either one-on-one or in small groups, to help them prepare for puberty.

Demonstrating Modesty and Hygiene Skills

Since girls with Asperger’s obviously need to understand and demonstrate appropriate puberty skills, especially with regards to their menstruation and hygiene, we should start our basic instruction with self-help skills. Girls should definitely be bathing and dressing themselves long before they reach puberty. This means they should be able to do those self-help skills without help from others in the privacy of their bathroom and bedroom. Likewise, they should understand and demonstrate modesty and privacy by the age of eight or nine. They need to know that areas of their body covered by a swimsuit or underwear are considered private areas and are not to be seen by others. When teaching the concept of modesty, keep the rules simple. For example, when they are naked or dressing, they should be alone in their bedroom or bathroom, or in some cases a bathroom stall, with the door closed. By teaching these skills early on, you are laying the groundwork for discretion and personal safety before they begin puberty.

Good hygiene skills are also important before puberty begins. Girls need to be showering every day, with warm water, soap and shampoo. This is important because as they get older and enter puberty, their bodies will secrete more oils and perspiration, causing odor. If young girls already have the habit of bathing every day, then you won’t have to address that issue along with new hygiene routines, such as using deodorant and wearing a bra, when they begin puberty.

If you know that your student or child has a hard time with change of any kind, then begin as early as possible with these changes. In other words, do not wait to introduce deodorant and bra use until she actually needs it. Getting used to wearing deodorant and a bra every day will likely take time. Always have your daughter choose the deodorant and style of bra to wear herself, as many individuals with Asperger’s are sensitive to smells and tactile sensations. She may try lots of different deodorants and bras before finding the right one, but ultimately she will know better than anyone else what she likes or can tolerate.

Tracking Physical Development

After tackling the issues of hygiene, modesty and privacy, and long before she actually shows signs of physical development, you will want to begin instructing your daughter or student on the actual changes of puberty. I have been told by a number of nurses that there are subtle signs of physical change we need to watch for. Approximately nine to eleven months after a young girl develops breast buds, or what appears to be a true nipple, even in the absence of a developed breast, she will begin menstruation. Also during that time, or just before, she will begin to grow pubic hair. Underarm hair may not develop until she actually begins menstruation. If your daughter is demonstrating modesty, as she should, but you notice that the hair on her legs has become noticeably darker and thicker, then that would also indicate that she has pubic hair growth. It’s wise for parents to always check with the pediatrician to know the exact development timeline for your daughter. Likewise, teachers should always check with parents and work closely with them during puberty instruction.

Teaching Physical Growth and Development

Begin instructing about the basic changes to their bodies as they mature. Use visuals, such as a line-drawn body progression chart that shows how the body slowly changes from child to adult woman. Many girls with Asperger’s may have no idea how their naked body will look and change during the course of puberty. And since they don’t typically have a visual reference for this, it’s important to provide them with the step-by-step visuals to help them understand how the changes will occur and what the end result will look like. Talk about hair and breast growth, as well as how their figure will change with more defined hips. Explain that all girls go through this change and that it’s okay and necessary as they get older. Emphasize cleanliness and privacy, and instill the habit of routine deodorant use on clean underarms, as well as wearing a clean bra every day.

Anticipate the questions and concerns they may have, and give simple, basic information. Don’t be tempted to give tangential information when first instructing about their physical development. Too much information or associated topics may cause confusion at this point. Later on, as girls comprehend and progress through the stages of puberty, you may want to discuss male stages of development, or other related topics. During the course of your instruction, don’t always assume that they understand what you are telling them. Have them retell information they have learned and answer specific questions.

I would recommend using visuals, such as abstract pictures or photos as much as possible. Individuals on the autism spectrum tend to be visual learners, and need a visual reference in order to fully comprehend new information. Even highly intelligent, verbal individuals with Asperger’s will need, or at least benefit from, visual supports during instruction.

Preparing for Menstruation

Approximately six months to a year before you know they should begin having a period, introduce menstruation and give the basics of what it is and what they need to do. In other words, talk about blood coming from their vagina and flowing between their legs. Explain that this blood only means they are having their period. They are not hurt when the blood comes, but it will be messy and they need to wear pads to keep the messy blood from getting on their panties and clothing, etc. Keep the facts simple at first. For example, blood will come each month, or about every twenty-eight days, and will flow for five or six days, and then stop. We need to wear pads in our panties while blood is coming out of our vaginas. We change our pads in the bathroom when they become dirty with blood, and we should avoid touching the blood on the pad. We fold and throw the dirty pads away in the appropriate trash cans and we wash our hands after we change our pads. It’s also important to remind girls to bathe well during their period, because menstruation contributes to the dirt and odor of their bodies.