Asperger's and Girls (5 page)

The same goes for dating. My brother with AS kept asking the prettiest and most popular girls to date him—who wouldn’t want to date someone beautiful and popular? However it was unsuccessful because he was at a different level in popularity than they were. When I explained the Levels of Popularity, that a cheerleader was not necessarily going to want to date him, even though he wanted to date her, he thought I was making the whole thing up. It may seem made up, but it is reality to typical teens. He was going to keep being unsuccessful if he did not abide by the hierarchy. The positive solution to the dilemma was that he could find nice, friendly girls who were “in his league” to at least begin developing dating skills with, and then see what happens.

Levels of Relationship

There are many theories on interpersonal relationships, but below is how I describe the typical relationship categories that teens experience. There is a hierarchy of
interaction
that typical peers are sensitive to, but that girls with AS may not be. This hierarchy is comprised of different Levels of Relationship. When a girl with AS is gossiped about by peers who say, “I just don’t know her that well, she gives way too much information, she is very odd,” etc., it is because the information shared, or the action done by the girl with AS, was inconsistent with their Level of Relationship as perceived by the peer.

Levels of Relationship

5. Close Friends

4. Friends

3. Acquaintances

2. Familiar Faces

1. Strangers

Close friends

Friends you have been close with for at least a few months are Close Friends. You know some of each other’s life story and family situation. You may have been to each other’s homes and possibly have spent time with each other’s family. You trust each other and share emotions, problems, and feelings. You may also share common interests, or have a similar sense of humor. You spend time together at and outside of school and may refer to each other as “good friends” or “best friends.”

Friends

These are people you spend time with in school and occasionally do things with outside of school. You may hang out with each other at lunchtime. You know about and share some details of each other’s lives and interests, but nothing too secretive or personal. You generally see these people when socializing in larger groups of friends.

Acquaintances

You know these people from school, organizations, activities, classes, and may have conversations every so often, small talk, or school related. The only time you spend outside of school with these people is for mandatory group projects together, or for an event with a sport/club/activity you both take part in. You sometimes say “hi” to each other around campus, town, or at a school wide event. You both know each other’s names.

Familiar Faces

These are people you have not spoken to, but you may know their name, or have seen them before. These people are different from Strangers because you can identify them by name or sight. They might be people from a class whom you have not spoken to directly, or friends of a friend. You may know who they are, but they may not know who you are, or your name.

Strangers

You have not seen, heard of, or met these people. You do not know each other. It is a nonexistent relationship.

Typical peers auto-categorize the people they know at school and in the community into these groups and that is why actions, jokes, comments, and conversations are “appropriate” to the listener based on how close (or distant) a relationship is with the speaker. Comments or stories are deemed by peers as inappropriate when the speaker says something that is not appropriate for the level of relationship they have to each other. Just because a girl is on a sports team, it does not mean that she is in equal standing in Levels of Relationship with all teammates. Some will remain her acquaintances, and others can grow into friendships.

Too Personal

Personal information needs to be given slowly and over time, allowing a trusting relationship to build until it grows from the level of Acquaintance to Friend. When a girl consistently makes too-personal comments, gives too much information, or tells a story in too much detail for the level of relationship, that is when peers sense that something is weird, and begin to think of the girl as odd, creepy, overwhelming, or obnoxious. It is difficult to distinguish levels in relationships but it is a skill that can be learned over time.

“She tells me way too personal information. I mean, I barely even know her. “

“I don’t know why she talks to me. We had one class together four years ago!”

“Does she know that we are not even friends? I wish she would stop hanging around.”

“I feel smothered by her, we just met. She calls me all the time, and I don’t call back.”

“She tells me stories with way too much detail. I don’t really care to listen that much.”

Everything can be said, but it just depends on who is listening. A girl’s Level of Relationship with the listener is important for conversational success. The same information that is inappropriate with an Acquaintance would have been appropriate if shared with a Close Friend. A ten-minute-long account of a vacation is too detailed to tell to an Acquaintance who only wants to hear a 15-30 second “I had a great time in Europe.” It is important for a girl with AS to establish guidelines and the appropriate time span for talking about a subject depending on their Level of Relationship.

A Close Friend might not mind hearing about Star Wars for 30 minutes, but it could cause the end of an Acquaintanceship. A girl with AS should practice retelling stories, or talking on a subject, based on whom the listener is. A trusted adult or peer mentor can discuss and establish what time limits are appropriate.

Close Friend:
“Europe was wonderful, I went to Paris, London, Madrid...
”—10 minutes

Friend:
“Europe was wonderful, I went to Paris London, Madrid...”
—5 minutes

Acquaintance:
“Europe was wonderful, I went to Paris, London, and Madrid.”
—1 minute

The above minutes are guidlines. If the listener continues to ask questions and makes comments that show interest, the speaker should continue. If the topic a girl wishes to talk about is a restrictive or repetitive interest often brought up, the amount of time comfortable for peers might be fewer minutes than a conversation with new information or a new story. A girl with AS can decide with a parent or professional what is appropriate for her age group and topic.

Sometimes girls with AS may believe that they are Friends or Close Friends with a Familiar Face or an Acquaintance. This can cause social upset and potential humiliation in front of peers. In order to be socially successful, a girl with AS needs to practice taking perspective, and although Theory of Mind makes this difficult, she will have to practice imagining what the other person thinks of her, possibly using visible data from her interactions with that person if the idea is not concrete enough. She might even list all of the people she knows and the interactions she has had with them, or a yes/no checklist.

When you say “hi” does she/he say “hi” back? Yes No

Do you see her/him only at school? Yes No

Do you eat and hang out together at lunchtime? Yes No

Does she/he call you on the phone at home? Yes No

Are you in a club or team with her/him, but only hang out then? Yes No

Does she/he invite you to hang out on weekends? Yes No

She needs to distinguish between interactions initiated by her, and interactions the peer initiated. Would a peer spontaneously say “hi” in passing down the hallway if she didn’t always initiate it first?

Teaching Tool:
The Sims

A tool that may be helpful in explaining this concept to a girl with AS is a computer game called
The Sims
. In the latest version of this reality-type computer game, this concept is represented visually. Levels of Relationship between the characters in colors ranging from dark green (Close Friend) to yellow (Acquaintance) to red (Stranger/Familiar Face). When characters make comments or actions that are inappropriate for the level of their relationship, you can see the character lose points with that friend with an exaggerated reaction. You can see other character’s thoughts visually, in thought bubbles. Just as in reality, if enough friendship mistakes are made, a Friend could go back to being an Acquaintance. The game makes abstract concepts like these very visual and literal, using numbers and colors. It is a great tool for explanation, and could be generalized to real life situations.

Unfriendliness

It may also be necessary to make a list of people to avoid—bullies or unfriendly people who do unkind things. Sometimes it may be difficult for girls with AS to know when they are being made fun of, or their kindness is not reciprocated. For example, a girl may think that she has a friend because she calls her on the phone, but if that girl never returns her calls and displays avoidance behaviors, she needs to know when to stop before gossip or annoyed anger occurs.

I asked Kelsey what she thought other girls with AS could do if thinking about the Levels of Relationship was too abstract.

Kelsey suggested:

When you see familiar faces, it does not mean that you are friends with that person. I used to go up to people I recognized from years ago in elementary school, or a familiar person from a class, and interact with them as if they were a best friend. It was unsuccessful. You have to think, “Was this person nice to you or were they not?” Make a list of nice things that friends do and things that are unfriendly. Only approach people who do nice things.

Making Friends

Making a new friend is making more than just a single friend. Girls travel in packs and have a group mentality. Most typical girls have more than one friend, so a girl with Asperger’s needs to be wary of fitting in with the group structure her new friend already belongs to. The easiest friendship to make would be making friends with a girl who does not have any other friendship commitments, but that is a more rare situation.

Multiple Friends to Befriend

More often, a girl with AS’s new friend will already belong to an existing social group, a clique that she will have to learn to navigate. Girls are insecure about losing friends and when a girl with AS suddenly joins the clique, peers wonder how this will change their role in the group structure.

Rosalind Wiseman, author of
Queen Bees and Wannabees,
has taught hundreds of teen girls and has come to see patterns in the roles that teen girls play in their group structures.

Wiseman classifies them as:

7 Common Roles Girls Play in Cliques

1. The Queen Bee:
   Through a combination of charisma, force, money, looks, will and manipulation, this girl reigns supreme over the other girls and weakens their friendships with others, thereby strengthening her own power and influence.
   
2. The Sidekick:
   She notices everything about the Queen Bee, because she wants to be her. She will do everything the Queen Bee says. The Queen Bee, as her best friend, makes her feel popular and included.
   
3. The Floater:
   She has friends in different groups and can move freely among them. She has influence over other girls but doesn’t use it to make them feel bad.
   
4. The Torn Bystander:
   She’s constantly conflicted about doing the right thing and her allegiance to the clique. As a result, she’s the one most likely to be caught in the middle of a conflict between two girls or two groups of girls.
   
5. The Pleaser/Wannabe/Messenger:
   She will do anything to be in the good graces of the Queen Bee and the Sidekick. When two powerful girls, or two powerful groups of girls are in a fight, she is the go-between. However, the other girls eventually turn on her as well. She’ll enthusiastically back them up no matter what. She can’t tell the difference between what she wants and what the group wants.
   
6. The Banker:
   Girls trust her when she pumps them for information because it doesn’t seem like gossip; instead, she does it in an innocent, “I’m trying to be your friend” way. This is the girl who sneaks under adult radar all the time because she can appear so cute and harmless.
   
7. The Target:
   She’s the victim, set up by the other girls to be humiliated, made fun of, excluded. She can be part of a clique or outside the clique. Either way, she feels isolated and alone.
   

From Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman, copyright © 2002 by Rosalind Wiseman. Used by permission of Crown Publishers, a division of Random House, Inc.

A new friend that a girl with AS makes could play any of these roles in the clique. It is important in blending into a group of girls to figure out the power structure and figure out if a girl with AS is breaking in on already existing and established friendships. She would not want to upset the Queen Bee, for example.

Social groups are organized and structured, and when a new person is brought into the group, the existing structure has to shift. So, if a girl with AS begins a new friendship and does not take into account and respect the roles and positions of the members of the group, she may not be accepted or may even be excluded. If a girl with AS is being brought into the clique by the Pleaser or Target, she has an uncertain new position because less stable members initiated the friendship. Sometimes, for a new person to successfully become integrated, a more influential member of the group, such as the Sidekick, needs to initiate. Thinking about structure is a less personal or hurtful way of thinking about girl friendships. When a girl with AS is not “clicking” with a group of girls, she should analyze what possible reasons, apart from her own actions, could have caused the lack of success. Sometimes it is about the other girls and their roles in the power structure.