Ash (34 page)

Danny stared at me. His eyes were red, as if he’d been crying.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, letting him in.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Ash,” he shouted, holding his hands to his head.

It had been a while since I last saw him this way. Something was wrong.

“Danny, what’s happened?”

He stopped pacing the floor of my hall and turned to face me. “She’s dead.”

“Who’s dead?” I shook my head trying to comprehend what he was saying.

The blank expression on his face was a cause for concern. Tears lined his cheeks.

“Marcy!”

For a split second, I was convinced he was joking. I sniggered nervously before the words sank in.

“How do you know?”

Danny curled his hands behind his head and squeezed his eyes shut. “I got a call from Marco. They were at the crash site.”

“Crash?” I shook my head confused.

“A head-on collision out on Belmont and Kedzie,” he muttered. “She died on impact. There was nothing they could do.”

My mind swarmed with so many questions. Had I played a hand in this? I witnessed how broken Danny was, and the guilt nearly shot me down. I took a huge breath and hung my head in shame.

“I’m sorry, bro. I really am.”

Danny held a hand over his face and sobbed. The reality of it all washed over me. I walked up to him, wrapped my arms around his neck, and listened to him cry.

“I’m so fucking stupid,” he said, angrily pulling away and wiping the tears from his eyes.

“Danny, there was a time when you loved the woman. Those feelings don’t just die,” I replied.

He let out a long breath before turning his head, looking intently at Sophia, who appeared at my bedroom door.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

Danny stared at her first, then at me. “You tell her,” he muttered, and walked down the hall to the kitchen.

“What’s going on, Ash?”

I looked at her and replied, “Marcy’s dead.”

Sophia went back into the room, closing the door behind her.

I went into the kitchen.

Danny stood, gazing out the window.

“Want some coffee?” I asked.

“You know what hurts more?”

“No.”

“That she died knowing I would have forgiven her for everything, but she never said a damned thing to me.”

I moved toward him and put a hand on his shoulder. “I know, but this is something you don’t have to go through on your own.”

“It’s not like we had a kid and shit. She made sure as hell that didn’t happen.”

I hated seeing him like this. Out of the two of us, Danny had always been the cheerful one, the man who brought a smile to everyone’s face. Right now, he was shadow of himself, and I was responsible.

“Listen, you’re tired, and you’re hurting. Don’t beat yourself up over something you had no control over. Marcy made her bed, Danny, you know that. She didn’t make it easy to build bridges.”

He nodded. “But I never expected her to die, not like this. Not yet.”

“No one ever expects anyone to die, but it happens, and you learn to live with the pain.”

“Is that what you do?” he asked. “Live with pain?”

“Every damn day.”

“So you fucking Sophia must be lessening that pain?”

I didn’t respond. Danny wasn’t in control of himself, and I had to let him use me as a punch bag.

He stopped talking and sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

“You don’t have to apologize. I get it,” I replied.

“You know something, this is the first time in my life that I feel so goddamned scared,” he admitted.

“Nothing sobers you up more than death.”

“I never imagined it would feel like this.”

“The pain never gets old, but you learn to live with it,” I said.

He turned around and rested his back against the counter. “What do I tell her parents?”

“That job isn’t yours.” I hated that he always felt responsible and had to do the right thing. “Do you really want to get close to them? After everything?”

Danny’s shoulders slumped and he slipped his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “I don’t know.”

“Then, let me be your voice of reasoning,” I said. “Don’t open old wounds. Tensions will be high, and you will be made a scapegoat.”

If there was one thing about Danny, it was his natural ability to absorb everyone’s feelings, putting himself in the center of situations and taking it upon himself to make everything okay again. He’d yet to realize that life didn’t work that way. No matter how hard he tried.

The day of Connie’s funeral was such a time. Danny had stepped up to the plate, and tried to take on more than he bargained for.

It was odd looking at her face. She looked so peaceful, like a sleeping angel. No matter how many times I reminded myself that she was dead, I was overcome with the urge to lift her from the casket and carry her home. I wanted to hold her one last time. I ached in a way that I found breathing so hard.

My mother touched my back. “Honey, why don’t you take a seat?”

Her words barely registered. I wasn’t ready, not yet. I wanted to stand there, gazing at my beautiful Connie, knowing I would never see her face again.

“Just five minutes more,” I mumbled.

She gazed at Michelle. “Okay, honey.”

The low monotone voices of those who came for the service became distant echoes. I gazed at Connie’s hands. Her long, elegant fingers wrapped together. She’d run those hands through my hair, or held our son, cradling him in her arms. Her loving hands had saved me so many times.

I never knew what it was like to feel this alone. I couldn’t stand it. I felt vulnerable and at the mercy of my own grief. When they finally closed the casket, the darkness of my sadness wrapped itself around me, a heartless torrent of pain that ripped my soul to shreds.

The service passed by in a haze. I held Jake close to my chest, never wanting to let him go. He was the piece that connected me to Connie. He was living, breathing proof that she had existed, and that her time on earth wasn’t in vain.

It hurt to follow the casket out to the cemetery. I wanted to run in front of the priest, telling him to stop, but Danny’s firm hand on my shoulder stopped me from making a fool of myself.

My insides turned to ash as they put her in the ground. I clung to Jake as though he were my lifeline. The tears stung as they burst from their dam. The clouds moved closer together as if they wanted a better view. Wind blew around me, an unbearable chill that crept deep inside me.

As the well-wishers came and went, I was on autopilot. I shook hands and nodded, forcing myself to accept their sincere condolences. All the while, I wanted to crawl through the dirt of the grave and join my wife.

By the time we left the cemetery and got back to the apartment, I wanted nothing but quiet. There was so much noise, the hubbub of voices, strangers going through our photo albums, smiling as they inspected memories captured by Connie. I wanted them gone, but biting the bullet, I kept my mouth shut.

“How are you holding up?” Danny asked, pulling me out of my pity party.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “Overwhelmed.”

“Maybe you should lie down,” he suggested, taking my arm.

I shoved him aside. “I don’t want to lie down.”

I was pissed beyond comprehension. I wanted to lash out at someone. Danny just so happened to be the one.

“Ash, come on, you need to relax, man.” Danny reached for me.

I saw the worry in his eyes, but that didn’t stop me. My fist collided with his cheek before I realized I hit him. Regret swept through me. I looked around and saw the shocked faces of those who came back to the apartment. It was easy to see I was falling apart, but that didn’t stop me from grabbing a bottle of whiskey and leaving.

My mother raced after me. “Ash, don’t do this.”

“Do what, Mom?”

“This,” she said, trying to take the bottle from me. “What about Jake?”

“What about him?”

She stepped up to me, trying to take my hand in hers. “He needs you to be strong.”

“Well, pardon me for being upset.” Tears streamed down my cheeks.

Danny appeared, blood seeping from his mouth.

“Why don’t you go back in there, talk all nice and shit?” I shouted. “Just leave me the fuck alone.”

I could see the hurt in my mother’s eyes, but it wasn’t enough to stop me.

“Go look after Jake,” Danny said. “I’ll look after him.” He kissed her cheek. “So, where to?”

“Fuck you!” I ran down the stairs.

Regardless of the abuse I gave him, Danny wasn’t backing down. He said he’d look after me, and he meant it. He wasn’t the kind of man to go back on his word, which left him in the firing line.

As I opened the door of the truck, Danny snatched the keys from me. “You might be hell-bent on destroying yourself, but it’s not happening on my watch. I’m driving.”

I didn’t reply and got in the other side, surrounded by silence as he drove.

“So where to?”

“Where do you think?”

He nodded and took us to the one place he knew I’d feel close to Connie.

I sat on the rocks, staring down at the lily pond. Dragonflies and butterflies fluttered past, making the pain unbearable.

Danny sat next to me, resting his arm on his leg. “It’s always so beautiful here,” he remarked.

I took a swig of the whiskey and smiled. “I remember how gorgeous she looked when I bent down on one knee. She hadn’t expected a proposal, but damn, we both nearly fell in when she jumped into my arms.”

“She loved you, Ash.”

“I know. How lucky a bastard was I to get someone so perfect?”

Danny chuckled. “You guys were perfect for each other. You were equals. That’s something that doesn’t happen often.”

“When did you get all wise and shit?”

“Who knows? Maybe the past few years have made me grow up and see things differently.”

“How? Today we buried my wife. How can that have any positive impact on anyone’s life?”

“Because of the journey you two took. Everything you guys went through is a testament of your love. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see that you, regardless of how you see yourself, are a good guy? You deserved Connie’s love.”

Danny was never one to get deep and personal, but right now, he was proving himself to be the best type of medicine. I didn’t know how I was feeling. I was so angry, yet torn, completely overwhelmed by the emotional rollercoaster of the past year. It was impossible to put it into words.

“I never imagined a future without her in it.” My voice broke.

“None of us did,” he replied. “But cancer is a dirty bastard. It takes without any care for those left in its wake.”

“I promised her that she wouldn’t die.” The words came out, reminding me of my broken pledge, and I succumbed to the crushing pain inside. “Why would I have made such a promise when I was never in control?”

Danny touched my shoulder. “Because we say anything in desperation.”

All my pent-up grief crashed to the surface. I cried hard.

Danny said nothing. Instead, he kept his grip on my shoulder as the sobs consumed me.

“How am I going to do this? How am I going to raise Jake alone?”

“You know how, Ash. You’re going to step up to the plate and do your best.” Danny looked at me. “And every single person who loves you will be there by your side.”

I woke up from my pity party at that moment. Yes, I was entitled to be the grieving husband, but I had Jake. From that point onward, everything would be about my son.

“Do you think I should go to the hospital?” he asked.

“No, that would be a bad choice.”

“Then, what do I do?” He held his head in his hands and looked at the floor.

“You stay as far away from this as possible.”