Ash (37 page)

I raised my head and stared at my mother. She was the kind of parent to say it like it was. There was no sugarcoating the truth. I was glad that she wasn’t afraid about speaking her mind.

“So what do you suggest?”

She laughed. “Oh, honey, you call her.”

“We’ve talked since she’s left. She called when she got there,” I said.

“But what about now? Surely, you can see that she is invested in you, right?”

“Her mother is dying. She doesn’t have time for romance. It’s not as straight forward as you think, Mom.”

“Oh, dear, I didn’t realize.” She put a hand to her mouth. “Then, what more reason do you need? Sophia will appreciate your support.”

My mother, though she was trying to help, didn’t understand Sophia’s complex nature. Sophia wouldn’t appreciate the invasion of privacy. Dammit, I couldn’t get her out of my head.

“I’ll think about it.” I tried my best to convince her to end the lecture, then and there, and was thankful for Jake’s abrupt entrance.

“I need the potty,” he announced.

I jumped up from the chair and took his hand.

“It’s a number two.”

“Thanks for sharing that.”

When it came to my boy, there was never a dull moment. Children had such a special way of grabbing a grown-up by the hair and shaking sense into them. He was my reality check, and for that, I was grateful.

We left my parent’s house shortly after.

“Daddy!” he said as I drove.

“Yup.”

“Do you think that when I grow up, I’ll be big and strong like you?”

I eyed him in the rear-view mirror and smiled. “You bet.”

“But, Daddy, what if I get sick like Mommy?”

There was a killer question. He always caught me off guard when I least expected it.

“You won’t,” I replied, trying to keep control of the conversation. I hated how he had a sense of his own mortality at such a young age. He’d spent the early years of his life witnessing sickness and death, and it wasn’t fair.

“Do you promise?” His innocent question brought my own empty promise that I made to Connie to mind.

“Jake, I won’t make promises, but I can tell you this, I will look after you for the rest of my life. I won’t let anything happen to you, okay?”

He scrunched his nose and thought about my answer. “Okay, Daddy, but . . .”

“But what?”

“But what if you get sick?”

My boy really was testing me. I often wondered what went through his little mind. How had he processed all the sadness that surrounded him? For a brief moment, I felt guilty. Had I not protected him enough?

“I won’t get sick, and if I do, I’ve got you,” I replied, pulling up outside our apartment.

Jake smiled and unclicked his belt. He jumped from his seat, wrapping his arms behind my neck.

“Yup, I can make you soup and chop your bananas.”

“Then, that’s sorted,” I said, and got out of the truck.

The moment hit me hard. I didn’t want to do this alone. Jake deserved so much more, and it was in my power to give it to him.

“Hello,” Sophia said.

“Hey, you,” I replied.

“Ash, it’s so good to hear from you.”

I lay back on my pillow, listening to her velvety voice.

“I can’t believe I am going to say this, but I really miss you. Isn’t that insane?”

“Not at all,” I said. “Because I can’t get you out of my head.”

There was a short pause before she replied, “Ash!”

“Yes?”

“I don’t think I can handle this alone.” Her voice broke.

“What’s been happening?”

“It’s just so hard. I hate seeing my mother so close to death,” she whispered.

“Is there anything I can do?” I asked, feeling completely helpless.

She paused once more. “I don’t know. I just . . . wish you were closer.”

Sophia had never shown me her vulnerable side before. It was both eye opening, yet disconcerting. I hated the thought of her hurting so much. I wanted to protect her, to be there for her and be the man she needed, but I was afraid of taking that step.

“I’ve some vacation time owed to me.” The words slid past my lips before I realized what I was saying. “Maybe Jake and I could take a road trip.”

She hesitated. “What are you saying, Ash?”

“I’m saying that I am going to come see you.”

Another silence followed. My stomach spun the entire time. Was I really willing to drive over thirteen hours to see her?

“Are you sure?”

I smiled. “Yes. It’s in my head now. I have to see you.”

“Ash, no one has ever given a shit about me before.” Hearing the sadness in her voice broke my heart. “But just so you know, things are really fucked up here.”

“Listen, I come from a world of fuck-ups. I can handle it.”

“So you’re really going to come down?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Say nothing. You don’t have to. Just hang in there,” I said.

She chuckled. “I shall try.”

After ending the call, I thought long and hard about my decision. Every cell in my body told me that I deserved to do this. I was owed a slice of happiness, but the devil on my shoulder filled me with doubt. I despised this part of me. The weak and broken man, lost in his woes, unable to move forward and frozen in the past.

“Daddy.” Jake came into the room, rubbing his eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

“I had a bad dream.” He started crying.

I got out of the bed and pulled him into my arms. “Hey, it was only a dream. I’m here.”

He wrapped his arms around my neck and sobbed on my shoulder.

“Wanna sleep with me?”

Jake nodded and wiped his eyes.

I set him down on the bed and got in beside him, rubbing his face.

“Daddy,” he mumbled.

“Yeah?”

“I dreamed there was a monster behind my door.” He cuddled up to me.

“Jake, it was only a dream. Nothing can touch you, okay?” I wrapped my arm around him. “Now, let’s get some sleep. I’ve a surprise for you in the morning.”

He peered up at me. “What kind of surprise?”

“It’s a secret, now go to sleep.”

I kissed his forehead and closed my eyes. My plans to visit Sophia may have been spur of the moment, but I was excited. I needed this more than her, and regardless of my apprehension, I had a feeling that both Jake and I would enjoy our little road trip.

Sometimes, through all the haze and confusion of the past, it was easy to forget not to live for the moment. I had the power to change the course of my life. As much as I tried to remain under the self-made cloud of doom, I had a chance of being a part of something good, and I had to grab it with both hands. My only hang up—the demons that refused to keep quiet.

“Yeah, I knew there was going to be an ‘I told you so’ speech from you.” I threw my bags into the truck and handed the keys of the apartment over to him.

“Well, what do you expect?” He smirked.

“From you? God only knows.” I laughed. “Just make sure you collect the mail and leave it on the table.”

“Dude, I got you covered,” he replied, winking at Jake. “I’m just gonna miss this little rascal.” He tickled Jake and secured him into his booster seat.

Jake giggled hard, shaking his head.

“I’m sure you’ll survive a week without him.”

He closed the rear passenger door.

“How are you holding up?”

“I’m good,” he replied. “I’m working a few extra shifts this week, which will keep my mind occupied.”

“Good, just don’t go working yourself into the ground.” I pointed at him.

He threw his head back and laughed. “There’s not much chance of that.”

Even though he was putting on a good show, I could see through Danny. I knew him better than most people did. It was going to take him a while to come to terms with Marcy’s death. He just had to make sure he kept himself in check, not allowing the ugliness of grief to consume him.

“But seriously, Danny, I worry, and nothing will ever change that,” I said, and gripped his shoulder. “With me being gone, you need to make sure you talk to Joe or my mom.”

“Ash, I don’t need babysitting. I’m good. I swear to God,” he said, and held his hand up. “But if it makes you feel better, your mom will be my first port of call if I find myself sinking into the abyss.”

“Don’t be a smartass.”

“Just go, man. Go and see your woman.” He grinned.

“She’s not my woman.” I rolled my eyes at him.

“She will be,” he replied, and laughed.

“Behave!”

I got into the truck and started the ignition. I rolled down the window and took his hand in mine, doing our thing.

“Safe journey,” he said, and patted the roof.

I drove off as Jake waved out the window.

It was hitting me fast that I was actually doing this. A mixture of thrilling happiness and anticipation.

Jake was excited about taking a road trip with me, and contentedly clapped his hands as we hit the I-57 and headed south.

“Will Sophia help me build another fort?” Jake asked.

I smiled. “I’m not sure. You will have to wait and see.”

“I like Sophia.”

“Me too.”

“Even though she talks funny.” He giggled.

I had to laugh, because kids just said things as they saw them. There was no nastiness in his comment.

“Nah, her accent is nice.”

“Do you think she will sing me that song again?”

“If you ask her nicely, I’m sure she will.”

Jake grinned and stared out the window. “I really hope she will.”

After four hours, I was hungry, and Jake needed a little fresh air. We made a pit stop outside Missouri.

Jake devoured a hot dog and fries, while I checked the map and booked us a hotel for the night in Memphis.

“You all done, kiddo?”

He nodded and smiled, slurping at his milkshake.

“Do you need the little man’s room?”

“Yup,” he replied, and took my hand.

“Then, let’s freshen up and hit the road.”

Once we were back in the car, it was another four-hour drive, but with some tunes and the wind blowing, Jake and I were happy campers.

It was just after seven p.m. when we checked into the hotel. After a quick bite to eat, Jake was ready for sleep. I tucked him in, making sure his cuddly was snuggled in beside him.

“Sleep tight, buddy. We’re on the home straight now,” I whispered, and kissed him goodnight.

I switched off the main light and took my cell with me to the bathroom. Sliding down onto the floor, I called Sophia.

“Hey, you,” she said.

“Your voice is like music after today.” I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck.

“I don’t understand why you didn’t fly.”

“I thought a road trip would be fun.”

“How’s Jake?”

I pushed the bathroom door closed. “He’s really excited about seeing you. So much so, he wants you and him to build another fort.”

Sophia laughed. “I’m sure I can make that happen.”

“How’s your mom?”

“Hanging on.” She sighed.

“How are you?”

She paused. “I’m just tired, but it’s been a rough week. I don’t have to start work for another few weeks. I’ve taken some personal leave, so I don’t have the stress of trying to explain my absence to my father and brothers.”

“That’s something, at least.”

“But you guys coming here, that’s actually a silver lining.”

Her words made me realize that I had made the right decision.

“I’m glad. I think we all need something to smile about, especially in light of everything.”

“Ash.” She said my name in a pained voice.

“What?”

“What if I don’t want to say goodbye?”

For a brief moment, I was relieved to hear her say those words. It made me feel that my journey wasn’t made in vain.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

“You’re right,” she said, her voice soft. “And now you should get some sleep.”

“What if I don’t want to?”

“Then, you, Mr. Benton, will be putting both you and Jake at risk, and we both know that little boy is your heart.”

Damn, she always had a way of reeling me in, even when I didn’t think I needed it. She pointed out the obvious. Maybe it was the instant rush from hearing her voice, but I wasn’t tired enough for sleep. Not now. Not when I was so close to her.