Ash (11 page)

“Because you’re my hero,” I said.

“Don’t be silly, Daddy.” He giggled. “You’re a fireman, and I’m not a man yet.”

“But didn’t you know that superheroes come in all shapes and sizes?” I feigned a shocked expression.

He shook his head. “Nope!”

“Well, guess what?” I said. “They do!”

Jake pinched my nose, made a raspberry noise, and burst into laughter. Once he composed himself, he reached up, wrapped his arms around my neck once more, and hugged me tight.

“I love you, Daddy,” he whispered in my ear.

His words could have melted the coldest of hearts. He was mine and nothing was ever going to come between us.

“Guess what?”

“What?” He beamed.

“I love you to the moon and back,” I replied, and pretended to wrestle him to the floor. “But I might have to take a detour by Mars.”

“Mars?”

“Yes, the middle of darkest space.”

“Why?” His face grew serious.

I sat up, crossed my legs, and took his hands in mine. “Because you get the bestest view of your eyes from space.”

“Wow!” A look of amazement sparkled in his little eyes. “So if you can see me from space that means Mommy can see me from heaven?”

“You bet she can. She watches over you all the time.” I choked back the emotion. “Think of her as your guardian angel.”

“Wow, that’s so cool.” His little face lit up. He shouted and jumped to his feet. “Grandma, guess what?” he said, and ran to the door, disappearing from the room.

My heart sank. I sat back against the bed, rested my arms on my legs, and cried. After my pity party, I collected myself enough to face my mother.

She stood by the table in the kitchen, packing Jake’s schoolbag and frowned when I walked into the kitchen.

“How’s the head?” she asked.

“It’s been better,” I replied, walking over the sink and popping two Advil into my mouth.

She stopped what she was doing and rested a hand on her hip. “You were in quite the mess last night.”

“Yeah, I know. I can’t hold my drink like I used to.”

“You need to speak to Danny,” she said in a flat voice.

I looked into the living room and glanced back at her. “Why? What’s he done?”

“He’s been snoring like some wild beast and his hands are down his pants,” she whispered. “It’s not appropriate.”

I chuckled and sighed.

“I mean it, Ashley,” she continued. “Wake him up and tell him to wash his hands.”

This was another reason why my mother would always be a part of my life. She treated Danny the same way she treated me. He was like a thorn in her side, and as much as she’d grumble about his uncouth ways, she loved him like a son.

I walked over to the door, peered at Danny, who was out for the count, with his hands down the front of his boxers. It wasn’t a pretty sight, but it was something I was used to, especially given all the time we spent together.

“Hey, sleeping beauty, it’s time to rise and shine,” I shouted, and stepped over to the sofa to kick his foot.

Danny licked his lips and opened one eye. He let out a moan of complaint.

“Go away. I’m having a nice dream.”

My mother appeared at the doorway, her eyes focused on me.

I turned and looked at Danny, wrapping my hands around his feet and tugging at his legs until he fell to the floor, banging his head.

“What the hell, man?” he shouted, rubbing the back of his head.

“It’s time to get up, that’s what,” I said, trying not to laugh.

Jake moved toward us and jumped on Danny.

“Hey, kiddo,” Danny said, and tickled Jake. “Your pops is trying to kill me.”

Jake glared at Danny and shook his head. “Don’t be silly,” he replied. “Daddy’s a superhero.”

My mother chuckled.

Danny couldn’t hide his amusement and laughed hard. This was one of those instances when a child owned the moment, and Jake reveled in the delight.

“Right,” my mother said. “It’s time for school, Jake.”

“Aww,” Jake whined. “I want to stay with Daddy.” He slid out of Danny’s grasp and ran toward me, wrapping his arms around my legs.

For a split second, I considered letting him have the day off. I was a sucker for those eyes of his, but he would have a much better day at school than watching me nurse a sore head.

“Nope, little man. You’ve got to go,” I replied. “Believe me, you will have much more fun with your friends than sitting here with me.”

“But Daddy—”

“No buts, Jake. You know the rules.” I bent down to his level and looked him in the eye. “Days off are for slackers, right? Not for big boys with big dreams.”

“Okay,” he said, sounding defeated.

“Hey, Jake,” Danny butted in.

“What?” Jake’s shoulders slumped.

“How about I pick you up from school and take you to the station later, let you see the guys?”

Jake’s face lit up.

I, on the other hand, cringed.

“Can I, Daddy? Can I?”

I sighed, looking at Danny, and then at Jake’s little face. “Okay, but you have to be on your best behavior, alright?”

Jake nodded and hugged me. He then ran to my mother.

“Bye, Daddy,” he shouted, and walked to the door with my mother. “See you later, Uncle Danny.”

My mother waved at me before closing the front door behind her.

Once they were both gone, I threw myself down on the sofa and let out a pained groan.

Danny jumped to his feet, walked to the window, and scratched his ass. “Your mother loves to bust my balls.”

I yawned.

“Oh, apologies, if I am boring you,” he chided, grabbing a cushion and throwing it at me.

“Shut up, you idiot. My mother didn’t appreciate the hand on your balls thing.”

“Ah, that? Yeah, old habits die hard.” He smirked and sat on the sofa next to me. “So, how’s the head?”

“Not good, man.”

“You hadn’t that much to drink,” he remarked.

I ran a hand across the back of my neck and raised my eyebrows. “It’s not the booze.”

“Ah, I almost forgot, the sensual Miss Dubois,” he stated in a ridiculous sounding French accent.

There was no getting away from this. Danny wouldn’t let it go, not until I stopped the pity party.

“Fuck!” I closed my eyes.

“Jesus, Ash, you have to let this go.”

“How?”

“By moving the fuck on and being a man.” Danny sounded like my father.

I sat forward, rested my arms on my legs, and stared at the photograph of Connie and me on our wedding day. God, she was so beautiful. She had taken my breath away as she walked up the aisle. Connie had chosen me. Out of everyone she could have had, she wanted to spend the rest of her life me. Thinking about our vows and the amazing day we had brought on a sense of despair.

“Sometimes, I feel like I will never be able to move on. I feel guilty if I look at another woman, nevermind fucking her. How am I meant to do this, Danny? I can’t see a future where I’m not a mess, or the grieving husband who can’t get his shit together,” I said.

“You banged Sophia. Who gives a damn?” Danny replied. “What you do now is pick your ass up, go to work, and give the whole thing no more energy. Jesus, Ash, why do you have to be such a thinker?”

“Because I learned from the best?”

“No, my man, you’ve learned to live in a bubble. Nothing else matters. Jake needs you, but he needs a father who can function without beating himself up for stupid indiscretions, not this shadow you’re becoming.” Danny sighed and raised a few valid points.

“Then, why can’t I stop thinking about her?”

“Who? Connie?”

I turned and looked at Danny, shaking my head. “No. Sophia.”

The light came on for the first time inside Danny’s head, and he suddenly understood. “Well, fuck me.”

“Yeah, I’m a whole lotta messed up.”

“Damn, Ash, has she really gotten under your skin?” he asked, his eyebrow raised.

I nodded, slumped back against the sofa, and sighed. “It’s like I’m sixteen all over again.”

“Uh-oh,” he said. “But at least this time around you’re not a complete asshole, right?”

Danny looked at me as if he were trying to make me see the good in the mess I created. He knew me too well. There was no way I could stop myself from ripping my choices to shreds. I really was my own worst enemy.

“That’s not good, not by a long shot. I mean, let’s look at it from my perspective, forgetting your wiseass knowledge,” I replied.

He crinkled his nose and nodded, his way of agreeing to listen to me.

“So, let’s say, I go into work, pretend that Sophia and me didn’t happen, but she gets all antsy and in my face. Imagine how that will go down with Joe, nevermind the guys. We’ve seen how fiery she can get, right? Whichever way we look at this, I’m going to be the bad guy. I’ve never mixed work and pleasure before, and it goes against everything I stand for. I’m the hypocrite here, and it doesn’t bode well with me.”

“Okay,” Danny remarked, and scratched his balls. “I get it. I see it from your perspective, but answer me one thing.”

“What?”

Danny smiled, sat forward, and spoke in a low tone. “Was it a good fuck, a blow your mind fuck, or a never to fuck again kind of fuck?”

Yup, this was, indeed, my best friend, and he wasn’t going to let me escape this one.

“A good fuck,” I replied. “But it’s been a while.”

Danny smiled, patted me on the back, and stood. “That’s my boy. Now if you excuse me, I think I will use the little boy’s room and take advantage of all those male beauty products you’ve been collecting.”

“Knock yourself out,” I shouted after him.

“Yeah, maybe. Depends on the mood.”

Danny disappeared down the hall.

I sat back, trying not to think of Sophia. Yet her face, her breath, and the scent of her skin filled my head. It had only been a drunken, spur of the moment encounter, but something about her had awoken a dormant part of my soul. It was magnetic, a force like no other.

A sense of déjà vu filled me. It would only be a matter of time before I fell off the wagon and wanted her again. Though I regretted it, I yearned to feel her against me, and that was dangerous territory.

“Bloody idiot,” I mumbled, crumpling the note and throwing it in the bin.

Grabbing my keys, I opened the front door and came face-to-face with someone I didn’t fancy seeing.

“Oh, good, I’m glad I’ve caught you,” Marcy said.

I frowned, unable to hide my displeasure in seeing her. “What do you want?”

“Oh, nice to see you, too, Ash.” She frowned

I pulled the door shut behind me and walked toward the stairs before I uttered another word.

“Jesus, you’d think you would just drop the act.” She followed close behind me.

I turned and faced her. “Marcy, is there something you want in particular? Or is this just another one of your outings where you plan on squeezing the life out of me?”

“You never returned my call.”

I scratched my head and shrugged. “I didn’t get the memo.”

“Your mother assured me she would pass the message on.”

Frustrated by her unannounced presence, I darted down the stairs, ignoring her.

“I’m not letting this lie, Ash. You and Connie promised me access. We made a deal,” she shouted as she followed me.

I walked out into the midday sun and put on my shades. I tried my best to keep calm. Marcy’s mentioning Connie’s name perplexed me. If she had been a man, I would have knocked him out. But as it stood, Marcy, the asshole she was, didn’t deserve being KO’d—yet.

I turned around and scowled.

“Connie made stupid promises and requests when she was drugged to the eyeballs. Don’t you get it? She didn’t know half of what she was saying, and you coming here, pushing me into a situation I don’t want, has got to stop.”

Marcy didn’t reply. Her nose crinkled as she stared at me.

“So, we’re done? I can go about my business?”

“We’re not done by a long shot, Ash. If you think I am going to let this go, you have another thing coming. You, of all people, should know I am not one to shy away from something I want. Oh, and another thing, I remember all those late night calls, the gifts, the constant messaging. I don’t forget, even if you have.”

“Don’t you fucking dare twist my good nature.” I moved closer to her, pointing a finger at her face. “You sick bitch.”

She was tiny compared to my six-foot-four frame, and it earned me a few glares from several passersby.

“That’s right, Ash, just keep on living in denial. It’s what you do best,” she replied with a smile and blew me a kiss.

“Fuck off.” I turned my back on her, knowing I was seconds away from laying into her.

Without looking back at her, I walked away from the conversation. The perpetual rage burned.

There would never be an easy way of facing the past, our choices, and the very things that brought us Jake. The good that came out of Marcy’s help was now marred by her persistence. I was adamant that she wouldn’t become a part of Jake’s life. Some would call me selfish, but at the end of the day, I had to protect my child. Marcy and her feelings could go and jump off the nearest building.