As You Are (20 page)

“I swear but you men are stubborn. You have to make everything more difficult than it needs to be. All he needs is a little push, so get to shoving.” She patted me on the back. “What are you thinking?”

“That everyone I care about thinks I'm a flaky nitwit,” I said.

Her hand on mine tightened, and I could tell that she was losing patience. “Pull your head out of your ass, honey.” She shook her head at me, obviously disappointed. “He's a good man, Julian, and I know that he loves you, just as I know you love him.”

She gave me a hug and told me she loved me, finally pulling me up off the bed with her. I picked up her bags, and we left the room.

At the airport, I walked with her as far as security would allow. She turned and gave me a final peck on the cheek, then in the way of all mothers, wiped the lipstick off with her thumb before turning to leave.

When I walked into the flat, Danny was sitting on the couch. “What are you doing home?” I asked.

“I needed to talk to you.” He got up from the couch, looking devastatingly sexy in a pair of loose-fitting gray sweatpants that rode low on his hips and one of those damn ribbed white wifebeaters that clung to his upper body. “I'd appreciate it if you'd let me say what I have to say without interrupting me.”

I nodded in agreement, seemingly unable to move from the entryway area. Danny walked around the couch, faced me, and then started pacing back and forth, occasionally holding up a finger as if he was going to begin. I looked down at his bare feet sticking out of the bottom of the sweats, then back up as he marched back and forth.

I was beginning to feel a little seasick watching him. “Danny,” I said, only to stop when he held up a finger and looked at me, shaking his head.

“Julian”—he let out a long breath as if my name had been stuck in his throat, blocking the flow of air—“I don't know how far things have gone with Andy.”

“Danny—”

“You said you wouldn't interrupt.” He started pacing again, his forehead all scrunched up. “I know you've only been seeing him for a week, and I don't know how you feel about the guy.” He stopped and turned to look at me. “Last Friday, something happened to me when I found out you were going on a date. I'd never seen you go out on a date, and it made me sick to my stomach. All I could think about all night was whether or not you were going to kiss the guy. Then it dawned on me that you could actually go home with him. I had to lie down after that little gem popped into my head.”

I raised an eyebrow. My confusion had to have shown on my face.

“You're right,” he said. “I'll get to the point. I don't want you to see him anymore.”

I raised both eyebrows.

“Why!” Danny pointed at me. “I didn't tell you why. Well, I just don't want you to, because…well, because, I think I love you.” He wiped his hand over his mouth. “I mean, I
know
I love you. There, that's why. That's why I don't want you to see him. So, will you?”

I stared at him. Was it okay to talk now? What did he mean by “
will you
?” He started in with the pacing, looking from my face to the floor, then back up to my face. My arms dangled at my sides, feeling like dead weight. I loved what I was hearing; it was exactly the kind of thing I'd always wanted Danny to say to me—which made me wonder if I were hallucinating or something. I opened my mouth to speak.

“Julian, I don't think I could stand it if you went away.” Danny froze and looked at me, his eyes almost panicked.

“Why'd you do it?” I asked. “If you love me, then why bring that guy up here? Why try to hurt me?”

“I know I fucked up the other night, I… Fine!” he called out as if I'd been torturing him for more information and had finally broken him. “I got scared. Happy? I said it. I got scared. Maybe I was afraid that despite loving you, I wouldn't be good for you? Maybe I was afraid I couldn't make you happy? Maybe I thought if I made you hate me, the way you did after the funeral, it could all go back to the way it was?”

I reached up and massaged the back of my neck, desperate for a ciggie. “You wanted me to hate you?”

“I wanted you so bad at the funeral.” Danny took a step toward me, then stopped himself.

“Then why?” I asked, folding my arms. “You had to know I wanted that. I wasn't exactly subtle.”

Danny closed his eyes and rubbed his fingers over his temple. “I've never been very good at trusting people, Julian. That's probably why I've never let anyone get very close. I only wanted a roommate in the first place because it…well, it got kinda lonely here all by myself. But you…” He pointed at me accusingly once more. “You moved in here, and all the little things about
you
began to weave their way into my life. You did that; you did,” he said as if suddenly pissed off.

I held my ground. My body was ready to walk over to him and kiss him. God, how I wanted to kiss him, despite the alarms going off in my head, warning me of what I already knew: that I might not survive another disappointment from this man without seriously altering the person I was at the core. But suddenly, it didn't matter. Along with being the key to my ruin, I knew that Danny Wallace was quite possibly my only shot at true happiness.

“God knows, Julian, you are a one-man show of nuttiness.” He looked at me, taking a few more steps closer, only to stop, as if afraid to completely close the distance. “You have dozens of pairs of pajamas, but you sleep in the nude. Why is that? You have the single worst diet of
anyone
I've ever known. You make scrambled eggs by putting everything in a Tupperware container and shaking it, rather than using a bowl and a beater. The astrology stuff…
Christ
, I could go on for hours about the astrology stuff. I mean, really, Julian…some of the things that come out of your mouth…”

How could anyone love me if I was such a wretched person? Danny locked eyes with me, his shoulders slumped a bit as if suddenly exhausted by it all.

“When you take these things separately, they're weird and annoying, but throw them all together and so help me”—Danny shrugged—“you're the strongest person I know. You never let me get away with any of my crap. You've made me better…made me want to love you…the only person who's made me feel like I
actually
could be happy. I like…you…as you are. Please, Julian…just tell me I'm not too late.”

“I broke it off with Andy last night.” I smiled, not sure if I should cry because he loved me or cry because he apparently thought I was a big ole freak.
Hello, dumb ass. Does it matter? Dude just said he loved you!

“Oh.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “So what does that mean?”

“It means that I love you too, you idiot.” I shook my head at him and felt my chest swell. “Not good enough? You're the only guy in the whole wide world who can make me happy. You're it for me, babe.”

I watched as his body sort of filled up and the stress vanished from his face. I started to walk over to him, and my foot caught under the area rug. I fell face-first onto the floor, landing on the runner at Danny's feet with a
thud.

I whimpered slightly and groaned. “I'm going to
burn
this fucking rug!”

He laughed and sat down on the carpet above my head. I pulled myself up and sat across from him. We looked intently at one another as if we each waited for the other to do or say something first.

“Shouldn't we, like, kiss or something?” I asked.

“Yeah, probably.” His gaze flitted back and forth from my eyes to my forehead. “You have a rug burn on your forehead.”

“I'm sorry. Is that ruining the mood?”

“I just thought it was strange,” he said.

“Are you gonna kiss me?”

“Do I have to do everything?”

A deep breath calmed me. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his neck. Danny placed one arm around my waist and brought the other behind my head, working his fingers into my hair. As he cocked his head slightly, we kissed, and I felt my whole body relax into his. I breathed in through my nose and caught the scent of that familiar something that let me know this was the place I belonged, the smell of books.

His tongue danced slowly with mine, and his taste made me want to cry out from happiness. I loved having him inside me, and kissing Danny like this, knowing he was finally all mine, made it that much sweeter. His short hair prickled my fingertips as I ran them over the back of his head. Danny pulled away, his eyes hazy as we each tried to catch our breath.

I smiled at him. “You like me just as I am?”

Danny's face immediately began to burn bright red. “Yes, damn it. I already said it all.”

“And it was
very
romantic.” I smiled greedily. “Can you just—”

“I'm not saying it again.” Danny cut me off. “Christ almighty.”

“Just one or two—”

“Absolutely not.” Danny reached up and ran the pad of his thumb over my bottom lip while he softly gave me a peck on the lips.

“Okay, but maybe just the one part—”

Danny lightly grazed my lips with his. “I love you, damn it.”

I felt what had to be a big cheesy grin take over my face as the realization of what was happening began to truly sink in. “I'm gonna make you so happy.”

“Shut up and kiss me, Julian,” he said with a resigned sigh.

So I did.

Dreaming of You

Self Preservation

The worst thing about being a romance writer is finding a real-life hottie that can live up to the fantasy I create in my head and subsequently thrust upon him before actually getting to know him. To all my past and future boyfriends, my sincerest apologies…I can’t help myself!

I was the youngest of four children and the only boy, so needless to say, I was spoiled rotten. I’ve always had an extravagant fantasy life. When I played with my
Star Wars
action figures as a child, I liked to make up my own stories. Naturally, Luke Skywalker and Han Solo were totally meant for each other, and Princess Leia made a bitchin’ wise-cracking fag hag.

I somehow managed to survive high school living in a small racist town in Southwest Missouri and emerged unscathed, realizing life was too short to pretend to be anything other than who I was. I was the little homo that could…so damn it, I did!

After a few stints in college, I eventually signed up for a Creative Writing course. I took the class because there were no tests. For once my scholastic laziness paid off, and I found an outlet for all the fantasies running amok in my head. It was love at first write, and I’ve been doing it off and on ever since.

Now I have decided it’s time to un-barricade the doors and unleash my imagination onto the world. So very sorry, world!! With the help of the lovely and talented team at Loose Id, LLC, my fantasy life is now available for public consumption. I’m desperately hoping you’re really, really hungry.

Feel free to visit Ethan on the Web at http://www.ethandayonline.com or join his Yahoogroup at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ethanday/