As You Are (15 page)

I stopped on the way to Andy's and picked up a bottle of the wine we'd shared on our first date. I pulled up in front of his house, a one-story Craftsman bungalow with broad overhanging eaves and a low-pitch gable roof. I grabbed the bottle and made my way up the walkway to the large front porch, up the steps, and through the stucco-covered columns. I stopped at the solid-wood panel door. I puffed out a little breath, ran my hand over my shirt to make sure no cigarette ashes were on it, and knocked on the door.

He answered the door wearing jeans. His untucked baby blue button-up was unbuttoned at the top, showing a little of his tanned, hairless chest. Damn if he didn't have perfect skin.

“You look great.” Andy was smiling from ear to ear. “I've been downright delirious all day knowing I was going to get to see you tonight.”

“You have?” I was surprised that he would admit such a thing, and I, of course, found it extremely endearing. Especially after Danny, who
never
said what he meant.

He led me into the kitchen, and I handed him the bottle of wine. He looked at it and smiled, as if to let me know he remembered it as well. He retrieved a wine key from a drawer and proceeded to open it. He told me he'd already picked up dinner, which I could smell warming in the oven.

I apologized again for taking so long to call him back. Andy asked if I was sure that I didn't need to go spend time with my mother. I loved that he was so thoughtful. I also loved that he seemed relieved when I reassured him that she insisted I not break our date.

“I feel a little awful stealing you from her.” Andy retrieved two wineglasses from a cabinet next to the sink. “I'm sure you don't get to see her very much.”

“Well, she seems very interested in meeting you tomorrow night.” I took a glass from him and indulged in a sip of wine. I pulled the plates out of the way as he removed the steaming pan from the oven and set it down on the kitchen counter.

“I'm more than a little nervous about meeting her.” He transferred the hot food to the plates. “What if I'm not what she's expecting?”

“Andy.” I picked up our glasses, along with the bottle of wine, and followed him into the living room, where he had the coffee table already set with napkins and silverware. “You are what I would describe as every parent's wet dream of a son-in-law. I wouldn't worry about making a good first impression.”

After we each set our burdens down on the coffee table, he turned me around and kissed me. I slid my arms around his waist, and he pulled in closer. He slowly and very tenderly slid his tongue into my mouth, kissing me softly with just a touch of heat before finally pulling away. He brushed his lips lightly over mine and smiled. “I've wanted to do that for days.”

I smiled and wondered why it was that I hadn't been thinking all weekend about kissing him. As a matter of fact, I hadn't thought about him since talking to him Saturday afternoon. Of course, I had been more than a little distracted, if not downright sidetracked. I felt a little pang of guilt as I looked at Andy. There had to be something here, I thought. Why else would I still want to see him?

As we each sat down on the couch, he asked, “Do you want to go ahead and start a movie, or would you rather talk for a while first?”

“I don't care, whatever you want to do,” I said. “What movies did you get?”

“Well,” he said, smiling, “I figured I'd be safe with anything that had Meg Ryan or Julia Roberts in it.”

I laughed at his obvious pride in appealing to my fixation on romantic comedy, but I felt a tiny sting that he was off by a few decades. I'd have preferred Katharine Hepburn or Greer Garson. “You think you're pretty smart, don't you?”

“Well, let's see.” He leaned over and kissed me again, running his hands into my hair. Pulling away, he added, “Yeah, I'm thinking I got it right.”

“And awfully cute.” I reached up and ran my fingers along his chin and cheek. I could tell he'd shaved recently, which meant he'd rushed home from work in order to get ready for me. It was sweet, and I felt a jab of guilt in my chest that I quickly forced out of my mind.

He smiled. “We better eat. I don't think this food can take a third reheat.”

I smiled, picked up my knife and fork, and cut off a piece of my fish. When I leaned down to take a bite, I noticed a Bible sitting on top of a stack of books on the other side of the square coffee table.
Why would that be lying out?
Maybe he's still unpacking and was just now getting to the boxes of stuff he didn't really use but couldn't throw away because he was a pack rat? Maybe he'd just forgotten to put it away? Maybe it's a family heirloom? I took a bite of the fish and stopped chewing when I noticed the brass cross sitting on top of some type of prayer book next to the Bible.

“What's all this?” I asked, pointing to the stack of books.

“Huh?” He looked to where my finger was pointing. “Oh, just my Bible and a book of prayers I like. Man, I never asked you what your faith was, did I?”

Don't you mean cult? Try none. They're all evil
. “Um, I don't really have a faith other than believing you shouldn't wear brown belts with black shoes. You?”

“I'm Southern Baptist,” he said nonchalantly, as if referring to what dry cleaner he used. “You should come to church with me,” he added excitedly.

I'd rather have the skin burned off my body, I thought. And don't think for one minute I didn't just hear all those hell jokes, people!

“I've actually started going to a gay church since moving here, a type of nondenominational place.” Andy took a bite of food and shrugged. “I liked my old church better, where my family went, but at least I don't have to hide who I am anymore, right?”

“Um…well, sure.” I cocked my head to the side and smiled while wishing he'd kept this portion of his personality hidden from me. “I don't really get into all of that.”
That's putting it mildly.

“Didn't you go to church when you were little?” he asked.

“Well, my parents are Catholic, but after they divorced, we didn't really go on a regular basis.” I shoveled in another morsel of yummy fish, thinking that whoever the chef was deserved a little worship.

“Wow, we went to Wednesday-evening, Sunday-morning, and Sunday-evening services every week. We even had family Bible studies during the week, when I was little.” Andy picked up his glass and watched me as he took a sip.

Christ, I'm dating a Jesus freak—a Republican Jesus freak, at that
. “You voted for Bush, didn't you?” I asked, smiling as if it were a joke.

“Well yeah,” he said. “Look what the Democrats have done to the country.”

Fuck me. Can I get a break here? Next he'll be saying Fred Phelps is an old family friend
. “Maybe we should start the movie.” I smiled a little too widely.

“Oh”—he smiled—“okay.” He got up and turned on the TV, and the light from the television outlined the silhouette of his body through the shirt.

Damned if Andy didn't look to have a mouthwatering, tight little body hiding under the shirt.

He turned sideways and asked, “
Sleepless in Seattle
or
Pretty Woman
?”

“
Sleepless
,” I said, afraid there might be a Bible lesson on prostitution later if we were to watch
Pretty Woman.

Andy put the tape in and came back and sat next to me on the couch. His leg pressed into mine, and the heat from his body was slightly comforting and a little unnerving.

We finished our dinner, and Andy laid back and pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me. I turned on my side and absently played with the corner of his couch cushion as we watched the movie. He was running his hand softly along my back, almost putting me to sleep. It was the most relaxed I'd felt in days. He tossed his arm over me, and I rolled onto my back so he didn't have to strain as much to see the TV. As he slowly rubbed my full tummy, I closed my eyes, immensely enjoying the fact that being near Andy didn't bother me the way it did with Danny. Andy was all relaxation and sweet, soft warmth. Danny was all
welcome to angsty-town!

My eyes popped open as Andy scooted closer, pressing his body into mine. I could feel his erection pressing into my hip.
So much for relaxation and warmth
. His hand began to move up to my chest, pressing into me with a bit more force that was definitely less romantic and more erotic.

His hand felt nice, and I could feel his heart beating faster as he began unbuttoning my shirt. I ran my hand up his shirt, taking notice of the fact his body was, of course, rock-hard. No, I told myself, this is going to be fine. He was a nice, loving man who was simply confused about religion and politics. He just needed someone like me to educate him about gay and lesbian liberation…to make him see that right now, he was playing for the wrong side. After a few weeks, I'd sit down with him and get this all worked out. It would be fine. Hell, better than fine, he could be
The One.

I took in a sharp breath as he leaned over, his lips connecting with my nipple. He now had my shirt completely unbuttoned and open. I felt my eyes roll back in my head as the tip of his tongue flicked my nipple. His hand slid down over my erection, massaging it through my jeans, and I moaned softly.
Weak, weak…why do boys have to be so damn weak?
He kissed up my neck and over to my ear, and I entered pant-in-heat mode.

Andy rolled me the way I'd been, with my back to him, as he continued to lightly lick and suck my earlobe. He pulled my body back into him, grinding his own hard cock into my ass. I pushed back into him as his hand started to fumble with my belt. I groaned as he ground himself into my ass and whispered into my ear how badly he wanted me.

I took his hand away from my belt and moved it back over my hard-on. I began to undo my pants as he sucked on my neck and… My eyes came to rest on the Bible and prayer book. I grimaced and shut my eyes as a picture of Danny flashed into my mind. I shrieked out as I flinched, falling off the couch onto the floor.

“Jesus!” Andy sat up on the couch, looking down at me sprawled across the wood planks. “Are you okay?”

“I think I should probably go.” I began pulling my shirt closed as I sat up, scrambling to my feet.

“I'm sorry,” he said. “I don't want to pressure you. The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable.”

“Don't apologize, Andy! I believe that was my hard-on I just shoved your hand onto.” I stopped for a second and took a deep breath. “I just…have a long day planned with Mom tomorrow.”

“Okay.” He pulled himself up off the sofa as I finished buttoning my shirt. “Slow down there, cowboy.” Andy swatted my hands away as he unbuttoned the last two and redid them correctly. I hadn't realized I'd missed one in my frenzy.

“I'm so sorry.” I placed my hand on my forehead.
What the hell is wrong with me?

He took my chin and lifted my head so I'd look him in the eyes. “You'd tell me if I did anything wrong?”

I smiled at his concern and felt like a complete shit. “You didn't do anything wrong.” I leaned in and kissed him softly on the cheek.

“I had a really great time, Julian.”

“As did I.” I looked into his sweet, caring eyes and turned to head for the front door.

He followed me to the door and planted one more devastatingly hot yet disturbingly uncomfortable kiss on my lips.

“Sleep well.” I swung open the door.

“Yeah, right.” He smiled. “I won't sleep a wink tonight. I'll lie awake all night wishing you were curled up with me.”

I reached up and caressed his cheek again with the back of my hand. I began to turn as Andy took me by the arm, stopping me.

I turned back to see him smiling as he held out his hand with my car keys. I laughed nervously and felt my entire body flush with guilt. I made it out onto the porch and down the steps to my car. He stayed on the porch until I pulled away.

I drove a couple of blocks and pulled over to the side of the road. I rolled down all the windows and pulled out a cigarette. Maybe it was just too soon? Maybe it was too late? Maybe Danny was going to ruin this like he'd ruined everything else. I lit my cigarette and inhaled, then thrust my arm out the window to keep the smoke from getting into my car. My mother was right. I really needed to quit smoking. I was beginning to
need
them anytime anything went wonky.

I pondered whether or not I should stay at Gabby's for the night. I was sure she could use the help for her dinner party tomorrow. I looked at my cell and wondered if Danny and Mom were still out. Was it so wrong that I wished I'd been with them? In the past her visits had made me feel closer to Danny, but now after everything that had happened, I felt further away than ever. I took another quick puff and tossed the cigarette out the window, picturing the dirty look Danny would give me had he seen me littering.

* * * * *

I was sitting on my smoker's sill when Danny got back to the loft. I'd been home, simmering, for a few hours. I hadn't realized how early it had been when I ran out of Andy's house as if being chased by Freddy Krueger. One more thing that in my opinion was also Danny's fault. I wasn't sure how it was his fault, but given enough time, I knew I could come up with something. I'd been sitting there in the dark, much the way I had been the night before.

I heard the door shut, the switch click as the lights flicked on, and Danny's keys clinking as he tossed them onto the island. I was in my undies, as if to make sure he and anyone he came home with knew I wasn't leaving.