As You Are (12 page)

Danny suddenly rolled toward me onto his side, and I gasped, dropping the blanket as I stood up too fast. My arms flailed about in an attempt to balance myself. I took a step back, and my foot landed onto the leg of a chair that slid across the hardwood, taking my foot with it. As I tried to balance myself, I overcorrected, falling face-first onto the side of the mattress, then bounced off and landed on the floor with a
thud.

From the floor I noticed Danny sitting up in the middle of the bed. He was making indecipherable words and still appeared to be half-asleep. His head was turning abruptly like the Bride of Frankenstein from that old black-and-white movie. He noticed me sprawled out on the floor, and a goofy smile spread over his sleepy-eyed face. My face had to be bloodred from the heat of it as he leaned over the edge of the bed.

“You okay?”

“Yep, sorry… I kinda…”

“Tripped, huh?” He flung off the sheets and rolled off the bed to help me up.

I sat up, getting a nice close look as his erection, which he finally noticed as I stared, mouth agape.

“Jesus, sorry!” Danny's face turned bright red as he tried to shove it into his briefs while turning away.

All in a morning's work, I thought, loving the fact that he was still offering his hand in order to help me up despite being embarrassed and having turned away.

“All this time, and I never knew you cared,” I said in an attempt to lighten the mood. “Certainly nothing to be ashamed of going on down there.”

“Jesus!” He walked into the bathroom and closed the door.

I smiled and laughed a little, unable to believe
I
had embarrassed
him
. “And he doesn't even know he'd been trying to stick it up my butt.”

It was almost eleven o'clock, and I was sitting on the window ledge in complete darkness. I'd smoked nearly a pack of cigarettes already, and as the hours had ticked by, I'd slowly come to the conclusion that Danny was indeed avoiding me. It was difficult for me to judge too harshly since Andy had called twice and I hadn't picked up either time. When I still hadn't heard from Danny by four o'clock that afternoon, I decided to text him. About forty minutes later he texted me back. To call it short was beyond understatement. He wrote
Will be late tonight.

I was so confused. Had I done something to scare him off? Hell, he'd jumped me, not the other way around. The whole thing had come way out of left field. It had been completely unexpected. The sex had been fantastically intense, and… Was that it? Perhaps the intensity spooked him. He was the one who'd made it so intense, not me. Why was I now being punished for it?

This day had begun so beautifully, and now, hours later, I felt like jumping out the damn window.
That'd learn him!
I laughed a little and then began to feel my resolve slip. My eyes began to well up. I tossed one more snubbed-out filter into the jar and headed to the bathroom to pee. I flicked on the light and squinted from the brightness. It came as a small surprise that the world had sort of got dark around me as I'd sat alone in the empty loft since after lunch. I flushed and caught a glimpse of my reflection as I washed my hands, then splashed a little water on my face.

My tummy growled at me, and I figured it was time to eat a little something. I turned the light off and heard muffled voices. I walked into the apartment as Danny came bursting in the front door. I froze as he shushed someone. He wasn't alone. I listened as he cursed under his breath while the mystery guest laughed at him. The laugh belonged to a stranger.

“Turn on some fucking lights,” Danny mumbled as he flipped on the overhead light in the kitchen.

Both he and his twink boy toy jumped, startled by me standing there with my arms folded.

“Jesus, dude, that's fucked-up!” the younger guy said as the smile faded from Danny's face. I shut my eyes and felt a very real, sharp pain slice through my gut when the guy added, “You didn't mention anything about a three-way.”

I never knew Danny had that in him. I'd already imagined that he was indeed sorry about what had happened between us, but I hadn't expected anything like this. I knew tears would soon follow as I flipped open my eyes and looked at Danny. He held firmly to a very stoic position, though for a fraction of a second I thought I saw the tiniest hint of regret. I stared at him, ignoring the babbling of his intoxicated trick until I was satisfied that he knew full well how bad I felt. It was so obviously his intent to hurt me that I wanted to make sure he knew it had worked.

I finally broke our gaze, grabbed my cell and keys off the island—which for once were mercifully not difficult to find—and walked out the apartment door, slamming it shut behind me. I felt tears beginning to sting my eyes as I started down the stairs.

How could he have done it? I burst out the exterior doorway onto the sidewalk and made my way to my car. By then the tears were full on running down my cheeks. I climbed into the driver's seat and slammed the door shut. The same man who had been so sweet and so supportive at my Granny Grace's funeral, how could that same man be capable of that level of cruelty? I sat back in the seat and thought back to the day of the funeral.

* * * * *

The funeral service had gone off without a hitch, and my parents, along with my aunt and uncle, were shaking hands as people left the church. My father had always been good to me, never put any pressure on me to be or do anything other than what I wanted or what would make me happy. I
loved
him for that. Despite never having a whole lot of similar interests, I'd always felt very proud of him. Even when he and Mom were ripping each other to shreds throughout my teens due to their divorce, they'd made sure I knew they each loved me.

Despite the love they gave
me
, it was a wonder I wanted to be in love at all growing up with Mom saying things like, “
Your father is suck a prick…but he loves you, sweetheart
.” And my father uttering beautiful lines of prose such as, “
That crackpot harpy from hell isn't getting another damn dime…but she loves you more than the air she breathes, son
.” I mean, really…if I
were
crazy, would anybody hold it against me? I felt as though I'd come through it all in one piece. I mean, there were no little voices in my head telling me to pop a cap in anyone's ass, so I must be solid, right?

It was very unsettling to watch them sitting in the church pew, next to one another
and
holding hands. I'd always hoped that somewhere deep down inside each of them was a tiny little grain of love they still held for one another—but this was like body snatchers or something. We actually felt like a family for the first time since I was an awkward teen.

My dad reached over and took my hand during the service. I could see he was doing his level best to hold it together. I felt sad, wishing he could just let it all out and rid himself of it. I squeezed his hand, and he nodded, leaning over and softly nudging my shoulder with his. I felt Danny's fingers lightly brushing the side of my leg. I looked down and took his hand as well, appreciating the gesture and trying not to give in to the hope that it meant more than he'd intended.

The service, while long and somewhat painful for my dad and uncle, finally came to a close. I'd managed to maintain my own composure despite welling up a time or two. I felt I needed to hold it together for Dad's sake. I excused myself from Danny and was headed to the bathroom, walking down a corridor in the back of the building. I was a little sad, so I pulled out my phone to call Gabby when I heard a noise. I stopped in the dark and creepy corridor, slightly freaked out. When I heard it again, I knew exactly what
that
noise was.

It was coming from behind a door a little farther down the hall. I crept slowly, trying to be as quiet as a mouse, and stopped. “God yes.” The voice came from the other side of the door. I felt the corners of my mouth turn up. Who would be tacky enough to have sex in the back of a church?

The door was shut, but the latch hadn't caught, so I carefully pushed on it, trying to barely breathe as I peeked through the crack. I felt my mouth fall open. There was the funeral director, sitting on a desk with pants and undies around his ankles—and none other than Jennie's new husband, Benjamin Anderson, on his knees sucking the hell out of the guy's cock. The funeral dude had his head tilted back, so he hadn't seen me. He continued to moan and whispered, “God yeah…suck that cock.”

It took all that I had not to burst out laughing. I started to close the door and looked down at my hand. I'm sure the world's most evil grin spread across my face as I slowly lifted my phone and took several snapshots. I quietly pulled the door closed and continued down the hall toward the bathrooms.
This year's Christmas card is really going to be the best yet.

* * * * *

Back at Granny Grace's compound, most of the mourners had finally left, although there were still a few pockets of guests scattered throughout the house and grounds. I was sitting behind the house on the small stone railing that wrapped around the huge patio area. It was an original part of the home and, while slightly tinged with age, had been beautifully maintained.

The lush landscaping had faded from view as the sun disappeared down the horizon. I was relaxed by the soothing sound of the waterfall trickling into the pool behind me in the early evening heat. My jacket lay next to me on the railing as I continued smoking only my fifth ciggie of the day. To call it heaven was an understatement. I suddenly felt like I'd walked into some steamy Tennessee Williams play as I thought about Jennie's husband's extramarital activity.
Hypocrite on a Hot Tin Roof
. I nodded my head, thinking Big Daddy's got a secret. The lamppost lights flickered on, filling the patio with a warm, hazy light.

Danny came sauntering out the back of the house carrying two fresh glasses of wine. He looked damn good, and as my gaze fell to his crotch, I flashed back on his erection from that morning. I felt my face flush as he sat next to me.

I was chewing on my lip and felt his fingers graze mine as I took the glass from him.

“You're totally thinking about my dick, aren't you?” The tone in his voice was half-teasing and half-accusatory, with a dash of shock.

“I most certainly am not.” I took a drink and watched him eye me suspiciously with a sexy half smile. He lifted his own glass and took a sip, but I could sense he knew I was lying—possibly because I came off so obviously embarrassed.

“It's okay.” Danny smiled and blushed a little. “It is a nice dick.”

I laughed out loud, flicking my ashes over the side into the shrubbery. “You've certainly bounced back from the shy, embarrassed man you were this morning.”

“Well, yeah.” Danny looked down at his shoes. “But that was…well.”

“Not like we haven't caught each other butt-ass naked before.”

He chuckled and took a drink. “When you're the only one standing there sporting wood…”

I laughed. “Okay, I'll give you that.”

I was about to push my luck and see what would happen when I told him where he'd been trying to stick his sporty wood, when Danny blurted out, “We shouldn't be discussing this here.”

I felt my resolve to push vanish as I looked over and saw he was staring at my cousin and her husband. She was glaring at us.

“Arg…that bitch.” It either came out louder than intended or ricocheted off the house, because I noticed her body stiffen. Jennie whispered something to her husband and marched back into the house. I could tell she was ready to rip off the gloves now that the funeral was over.

“Simmer down there, tiger.” Danny winked at me.

I took a deep breath and marveled at the power a Danny-wink seemed to have over me. “I'll behave. I gave my parents my word, and I'm going to keep it.”

Danny nodded as if impressed by my maturity.

“Unless she starts it,” I added.

Danny shook his head, placing his head in his hands. I laughed a little as I took a final puff off my smoke and snubbed it out.

* * * * *

Throughout dinner, Jennie had been boring a hole into my head as she stared me down with the evil eyes. I ignored her as if she weren't there, catching a wink from my dad a few times, as if he were saying
thank you
. My mother on the other hand was beginning to fidget, which to everyone who knew her counted as a sign of an impending explosion. My aunt finally reached over and whispered something to Jennie, and she stopped.

I was being subtly wicked, because I'd figured out that it was Danny's presence that had her all worked into a tizzy. Had I been alone, she'd have been able to control herself. I knew damn well when I had taken Danny's hand in the church she could see it. It wasn't why I'd held his hand, but it
was
like getting a free gift with purchase.

The grand dining room was quite sizable but felt cozy with the dark wood-paneled walls and built-in cabinets. There was a floor-to-ceiling carved mantel with a creamy white marble surround, and my absolute favorite thing, the intricate wood-latticed ceiling, which had been painted a crisp white.

I'd waited all through dinner until everyone was finished, so we could use bed as an excuse to keep it from going on too long. I bit my lip in an attempt to keep myself from smiling too much as I talked to Danny at the table, lightly placing my hand over his arm for a moment. I laughed softly as if I were the happiest little homo in the whole wide world, hoping no one could tell I was being fake as all hell. It took mere seconds before I heard the bang of Jennie's hand on the table.

“That is just it!” Jennie stood up from her seat. “I can't take one more second of it!”

I turned slowly, wide-eyed and innocent, to face Jennie. I could tell by the look on my mother's face that she knew what I was doing, but my father didn't, and neither, it seemed, did anyone else.

“I cannot stand having to look at this faggotry any goddamn longer!”

She was near hysterics as I leaned toward Danny, taking his hand. While I was impressed by her pop-cultury attempt at a fun new word for the kiddies at home, I was now seeing red, amazed she had the balls to say it to my face.

“Jennie, I swear… Will you please go check yourself into a clinic or mental-health facility.”

She was seething, but I could think of one more thing that might really shove her right off the deep end. “What's going to happen if one of your children grows up to be gay?”

“You cocksucker!” she shrieked.

So help me God, I did my best to not laugh, but I found it hysterical. She looked like some mad woman from an old black-and-white film like
The Snake Pit.

“Don't you laugh at me, you sick little bitch.” Her chest was heaving from anger. “One of these days…”

She went on with her vehement tirade, and I suddenly realized that she truly hated
me
. If she'd had a gun, she'd have filled my body up with lead. I'd wanted to see her go ape-shit, and I got my wish. Both her parents and mine were up out of their seats, and it was escalating quickly into a frothing, histrionic family dustup worthy of old Tennessee Williams after all. They really shouldn't have forced the kids to go to bed early, I thought. I wouldn't have pushed it had they been at the table.