As You Are (16 page)

“Hey,” Danny said somewhat cautiously from behind me.

I hadn't turned to look at him, and I still didn't intend to. I seemed to get myself into trouble that way. I listened to him release a long sigh.

“Are you just no longer going to speak to me?”

I took a puff off my ciggie and exhaled, giving in as I turned around. I exaggeratingly looked around the loft. “What? No sleepover tonight?” I saw the wounded look on his face and marveled at the fact he expected me to just fuck and forget. I shook my head and started to turn around.

“I sent him home after you left last night, you know.”

I was stunned by his demeanor as he stood there. The tone in his voice was as if he'd cured cancer as opposed to just doing what normal people did, which was control themselves. “What do you want from me, a merit badge or something?”

Danny shifted his weight from one foot to another. “No, I didn't… I just wanted you to know nothing happened, that's all.”

“Well, that is indeed something.” I snubbed out my cigarette and tossed it into the jar. “The cock of the walk turned away a piece of ass. I'll call Gabby. Alert the media.”

His demeanor took on a slightly less subdued manner. “Goddamn, Julian. I said I was sorry. If I could go back…” He stopped himself.

“I know, I know.” I got up and headed for my bedroom. “You wouldn't have done it. I get it. You don't need to continue to make me feel even worse by beating the fact that I was a mistake into the ground.”

Danny crossed the room in what seemed like three steps, and he grabbed my arm. “I never said that.”

He most certainly had
. “What do you want from me, Danny?”

He stood there looking at me blankly.

“You're sorry. I get it. Forgiven!”
Liar
. “You didn't sleep with the guy from last night. Great. I don't feel like a cheap lay anymore.”
Liar
. “You wanna go back to the way things were before Sunday night. Consider it done!”
Liar!
“Whatever it is you want, you can have. So tell me, Danny. What is it you want?”

He was breathing heavily and looking at me exactly the same way he had two nights ago right before shoving his tongue down my throat.
Hell to the no!
As much as my body wanted the pleasure, the rest of whomever and whatever I was couldn't handle the truckload of pain that would surely soon follow.

I jerked my arm free. “You can't have that.” I stormed into my bedroom and slammed the door, looking down at the bed. I flung my fists into the air and expelled a frustrated, melodramatic breath of air.
If the rat bastard
really
cared, he'd bust the damn door down and force himself on me so I could maintain my dignity and still get to have the molten-hot, mind-altering sex! Fucker!

My eyes opened as the annoying beeping of the alarm went off. I reached over, shut it off, and stretched, then indulged in a big yawn. I began to settle back into the bed, when my cell went off. I growled a grumpy groan and leaned over to pick up the little phone. I blinked a few times until my eyes focused on the number. It was my mother. I swear it was like she could sense the instant my eyes had opened.

I considered hitting the Ignore button. It was dangerous to speak with her before I'd had an infusion of caffeine. I'd only done it once before, during that whole gang-violence crime spree we'd had last year. Delilah had called all in a panic to ask me about self-defense classes. I made the mistake of opining that kickboxing wasn't going to save me from a bullet.

That's me minus caffeine—not a good situation at all.

She, of course, went into a frenzy, and I wound up agreeing to the self-defense classes to keep her from buying me a sidearm. My mother was originally from Texas; enough said. With a gun, I knew full well I'd wind up being one of the idiots killed by his own weapon. Especially considering that the only thing I got out of those self-defense classes was a bad case of blue balls. The instructor looked like Brandon Lee from that creepy
Crow
movie, and he was hot, hot, slap-your-momma hot.

“Morning, Mother.” I hugged my body pillow and smiled, thinking about the instructor.

“What time are you picking me up?”

“About eleven. Why?”

“Well, I've already had breakfast with Danny.”

My eyes popped wide open.

“We sure had a nice long
chat
.”

I sat straight up in the bed. “Really?” I closed my eyes, too paranoid to press for more details.

“Plus, I was hoping you could come by sooner since I didn't get to see you last night.”

I knew she'd waste no time throwing that back at me. “Mother…”

“Don't use that tone with me, Julian.”

“I'm sorry, Mother.” I could practically
see
her smiling. “This is why I wish you'd just stay here instead of a hotel. Your way is so inconvenient.”

“Well all right, sweetie. You just stay in bed a little longer.”

I was immediately suspicious of her generosity.

“I can have the hotel call me a taxi and be over there in a jiffy.”

I shook my head.
Checkmate
. “I'm getting into the shower now.” I smiled a little, hearing her laugh quietly on the other end. “You are an evil, devious woman.”

I was actually a lot like my mother in some ways, and she knew it. She had her buttons and I mine. I'd seen this stupid
Dateline/60 Minutes
-type investigative news segment on the types of germs and things they found in cabs. I made the mistake of going on and on about how disgusting they were and that I'd never get into one again.

“Taxis don't bother me, dear. I don't mind.”

“Well I do!” I flung the blankets off and rolled out of bed. “Might as well go roll around in a giant petri dish.”

She let loose her singsong laugh that always lightened my mood and then asked about my date.

“It was fine,” I said, reminding myself to walk cautiously.

“Really?”

“Um, yeah…like, better than fine.”

I felt a pause and began to wish I could see her. I began to fidget, so I sat back down onto the bed to settle myself. I really hated not being able to get a sense of what she was thinking at the moment.

“I could have sworn that Danny mentioned you beat him home last night.”

I rolled my eyes and tossed the phone into the air, furious Danny had dared say one fucking word. That he felt it was okay to meddle into my affairs. I hopped off the bed and punched the air several times, imagining it was Danny's face.

“Hello…Julian?”

My attention was yanked back into the moment, and I whipped around and fumbled for the phone. My mother's tiny voice taunted me as I searched through layers of blankets. I sighed a little relief as the handset slipped out onto the mattress and I snatched it up.

“Well, yeah.” My mind went blank. “But well…Andy had to be…had to show some houses this morning, that's 'cause…why.” I mentally cursed and reached up to whack myself in the head. “Look, Mom, I need to get in the shower if you expect me to actually make it over there anytime soon.”

“All right, dear. Whatever you say.”

I wondered what that last comment was actually referring to as we said our good-byes.

I set my phone back down on the nightstand. The loft felt very quiet beyond my bedroom door. I gathered my thoughts and my bath gear, then flung open my bedroom door. I let out a disgusted groan. Every time I looked at the sofa, I'd get a flash in my head of Danny kissing me. It was the gift from hell that kept on giving. Between that and the way Danny had looked at me when he got home last night—like he was ready for dessert—I was seriously beginning to doubt I could continue to live here and still maintain any semblance of sanity.

I was going to kill his ass for opening his fat mouth to my mother.

I wondered briefly what it would be like to live with Andy, then smacked myself in the head again. Conscious of the fact that on some level I was trying to force something that probably wasn't there, I still simply refused to give it up. As long as I didn't admit defeat on the Andy front, everything was still a possibility. I needed possibilities at the moment. I wasn't sure I'd be able to pull myself out of bed in the morning without them.

* * * * *

I collected my very fetching mother from her hotel. She looked flawless in a form fitting navy dress cut just above the knees. Her blonde hair was loose and wavy, cascading softly just above her shoulders, and her black-framed sunglasses looked very retro. Altogether she looked as though she could have walked right out of the sixties. I wore the camel-colored suit with the embroidered flowers on the jacket. Figured I'd at least show her some of what her money had purchased.

It was the first moment that we'd been alone together, and we started gabbing about news from the home front. Apparently everyone was fine, but the top story required that Delilah rip off her sunglasses, eyes wide and in shock, with a bulletin that Jennie had left her husband. Apparently someone had anonymously mailed her pictures of her husband cheating on her, along with a typed note, though Jennie hadn't divulged any further details.

Okay, so fine. It was me. I felt she had the right to know. Danny and I sent them to a friend who lived out of state, who in turn mailed them from a street corner with no return address. At least this way Jennie could know the truth without losing the face that was so important to her. The note that we sent with the pictures assured Jennie that the digital copies had been destroyed. It killed me to do it, but I did delete them. I left everything in her hands. She could keep up appearances and stay with the guy, and no one else would know. I had the tiniest bit more respect for her, knowing she'd actually left his ass.

Mom and I didn't wind up having a ton of extra time before lunch, but it was enough to lift me out of the foggy man-haze of a mess I was in. For me, being in the same room with my mother, whether or not she was annoying the hell out of me, was like being charged by an invisible power source. Like Superman to the yellow sun, I always felt invigorated by her presence.

When we got to the restaurant, she and Gabby gave each other a good hug, and we all sat down at a table in the dining room. The only time we sat in the actual dining room was when our mothers joined us for lunch. We placed our orders, and the waitress brought my mother and me a glass of wine.

“So what's going on with the two of you?” Mom looked back and forth between us.

Gabby looked at me, as if afraid to speak. I laughed a little remembering I threatened to bring physical harm to her should she spill anything to my mom about Danny-gate, accidentally or otherwise.

“Well,” Gabby said. “Julian usually picks a topic of the day.”

Mom's face took on a confused look, and I mustered a chilly glare at Gabby like she was insane.

Gabby shrugged as if to say
deal with it.

“I do no such thing. How ridiculous.” I knew this was Gabby's way of trying to punish me for muzzling her. She was beyond pissed at Danny and had wanted to disinvite him to her dinner party. I pleaded with her to just let it go, at least until after Mom left. Besides, if
anyone
deserved to get food poisoning from Gabby's cooking, it was Danny.

I realized suddenly they were both looking at me, waiting. “I do not decide topics to discuss.” I shook my head and shot Gabby the evil eye.

“You do too.” Gabby gave me a huge toothy grin as she leaned back into her seat, martini in hand. “Friday it was true love, yesterday it was gay marriage.” She looked at Mom and added, “Although they aren't always that deep. One day it was whether or not bread should be toasted if it was for a sandwich, because Julian always thinks of toast as being something for breakfast. Another time it was thong underwear. What was it you called them?”

“Cheek floss,” I said indignantly, picking up my wineglass. “I still say they're disgusting. I could never wear a pair twice. Every time I'd go to put them on again, I just know I'd look at that string and think
I know where you've been
.” Gabby and Mom started laughing, and I took a sip of wine. “I'm sorry, but wouldn't you rather just have panty lines?”

“I've gotten more than a few ideas for my articles from our lunches.” Gabby was flicking the rim of her empty martini glass with her fingernail.

“I actually have the local paper here delivered to me back home just for your articles.” Mom looked at Gabby and draped her napkin in her lap as the waitress placed our salads in front of each of us.

“Well, thank you.” Gabby lifted her glass, signaling the time had come for another martini. “I'm very flattered, but it's mostly mindless drivel, of which Julian is a bottomless well.”

“Shouldn't I get a finder's fee or something?” I asked, cutting the lettuce with my knife and fork.

“I usually buy lunch.”

Out of the blue, a penny dropped. “That's how you always know what the hell's going on here.” I startled both Gabby and Mom with the loud declaration of my sudden insight. I looked at Gabby. “She was in a near panic last year when that gang was targeting college students.”

“A mother has an obligation to keep a close eye on her children.”

“You nearly drove me batty.” I pointed my fork at Gabby. “Three or four times a day she'd call just to make sure I'd answer.”

Gabby laughed. “I remember that. You had a hissy every time the phone rang.”

“I couldn't help it. I think it gave me a nervous tic!”

Mom rolled her eyes as Gabby held her hand over her mouth to keep from spewing lettuce out while laughing.

“I'm serious!” I started tapping my finger over my left temple. “I have a vein that starts going wonky anytime my phone rings three or four times in a row.”

“You are so over-the-top in your exaggerations.” Mom dabbed her lips with her napkin. “Honestly I think
you
should be a writer, all the tall tales that imagination of yours comes up with.”

“Your first book could be called
The Cheek Floss Diaries
,” Gabby blurted out.

I scowled at her. “Damn, Gabby. I'm eating.”

“So what's the topic going to be today?” Mom asked with a greedy expression, taking a bite of her salad.

I tried to talk with my mouth full. “How about rotten friends and meddling mothers?”

“I've already covered those.” Gabby looked at Mom. “And no, Delilah, it wasn't about you. My mom is the queen of meddling.”

“You wait, dear.” Mom reached over to pat Gabby's hand. “After you go through hours and hours of labor, you'll want to make sure your children never have a moment's peace either.”

It was my turn to enjoy Gabby's discomfort. Her face turned slightly green at the prospect of birthing. Every time the topic of children came up, she'd get very nervous. I was suddenly extremely happy my mother had come to visit after all.

We spent the rest of the lunch talking about nothing in particular, and I wound up being thankful to Gabby for keeping the conversation light and fun. Even I was in a decent mood by the time it was over. I guess in the end Gabby figured that if she blew the whistle on me with my mom, I'd get her back the next time her mother came to town. There's nothing like mutually assured destruction to keep a friendship ticking along.

* * * * *

After lunch, Mom decided she needed to stock Danny and me up on groceries. She chattered on as I followed her down the cereal aisle, but I wasn't paying the least bit of attention to the words that were coming out of her mouth. I'm sure that I grinned like a seven-year-old when she tossed a box of Froot Loops into the cart. I was really glad she was here, even though I couldn't tell her what was going on with Danny, her other son.

She turned to look at me, holding up boxes of Honeycombs and Cap'n Crunch.

“Sure, Mom.”

She shrugged and tossed both boxes into the cart. I grinned, realizing she'd asked
Which one?
not
Do you want them both?
She pushed the cart, and I listened, following the clicking of her heels as she walked along the tiled floor. It stung a little that I couldn't let her in on this particular pain. She'd have been able to offer the best kind of comfort: mom comfort.