As You Are (13 page)

Her husband finally stood up. “Come on, honey.” He took her arm to pull her away. “We don't need to stay in the same room with such perversion.”

Listening to the hypocrisy coming from the cock-bobbing Ben of earlier in the day, I felt my mouth fall open. I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out my phone. This fucker was about to rue the day he'd stuck his pube-sniffing nose into my business.

I caught a glimpse of Jennie, all the hate in her eyes…and suddenly, something about her bothered me. There was more to her hate than the gay stuff. As her hubby turned her away, I looked into her eyes and saw the tears welling up. There was almost a stung quality, and as everyone began apologizing to me, I realized she was jealous, envious…always had been.

Jennie had been perpetually tightly wound, even as a child. Most of the family couldn't stand to be around her for more than short bursts, whereas I had always been well liked. The family invariably enjoyed my company, Granny Grace especially. I actually got the feeling that even Jennie's
mother
liked me better than she did her own child. She obviously loved her daughter, but that was a whole different thing.

I looked down at my phone, and as much as part of me wanted to do it, I couldn't. I shoved it back into my pocket and sat back into my seat. I felt instantly bad for tweaking her nose. Not that I thought it excused her nasty glares and the horrible things she'd always said about my orientation, but I suddenly realized what it might be like to be her.

Jennie had probably been very lonely, and I was suddenly acutely aware of what it must have felt like for her coming here for Sunday dinners and family events…summer vacations, reunions, weddings. She'd hated it in her own way as much as I'd hated it in mine.

“I apologize to everyone.” I looked around the table as everyone but my mother assured me I had nothing to apologize for. I knew she wasn't mad at me, because she'd been darned close to letting Jennie have it herself. But she also knew I was certainly no victim here either.

I was startled when Danny took me by the chin and placed a very soft, very sweet kiss onto my lips. I was a little stunned. My mind and body connections hadn't quite had the time to react in the appropriately shocked, body-stiffening manner I knew would come only seconds after he pulled away.

“I'm very proud of you,” he whispered before getting up from the table.

I tilted my head as Danny walked over and started a conversation with my dad while they exited the room. I looked back down at the table, wondering what I'd done. I went over everything, trying to list out anything I thought it could possibly be. Whatever it was, I needed to do it again, and right now.
More kisses, please… I'd like more.

I startled as my mother placed her hand on my shoulder. I smiled as she leaned over and gave me a peck on the cheek.

She placed her face right next to mine and giggled. “You're desperately trying to figure out what you did to make him kiss you, aren't you?”

I immediately sat rigid and scowled at her. “Don't be ridiculous.”

She stood up and began to walk away as she called back at me, “You look just like your father does when he starts in with the fibbin'.”

* * * * *

As I took off my clothes, I could hear the water running while Danny brushed his teeth on the other side of the closed bathroom door. I was hoping he'd come back into the bedroom sporting an erection like the one I'd seen that morning. I looked at Danny's suit, tossed haphazardly across the bed. I'd apparently done something good at dinner, so maybe I was to be rewarded with more than a kiss?

I heard the water cut off as I removed my shirt. The bathroom door swung open and out walked a whistling Danny, wearing nothing but his briefs. I hesitated with my pants, feeling my cock stir.

“I'm beat.” Danny lifted his arms up, stretching, which did nothing to help my swelling dick go down. I could tell he'd just washed his face, because his cheeks were still a little rosy from the cold water.

He eyed me oddly, and I continued to undress, realizing I'd been staring. I turned away, letting my pants fall to the floor as I stepped out of them. I went directly into the bathroom and shut the door. I attempted some deep breaths and looked down between my legs to give my dick the evil eye. It gave way to my inner threats of not playing with it for a month should it decide to be uncooperative.

I brushed my teeth and washed my face in the tiny little white porcelain-tiled bathroom. There was no delaying anymore. I spun around and opened the door. Danny was sprawled on top of the bed, one leg bent, knee in the air, one hand behind his head. His body was deliciously displayed; the well-developed, slightly heaving chest looked totally lickable, with his other hand resting on his tight abs just above the elastic of his boxer briefs.

He turned his head and looked at me, lightly licking his lips. I couldn't decide if that was instinctive or intentional. I quickly went to the bed and threw back the sheet. My cock was already beginning to respond to the sights before me, and despite my threats to ignore the little guy, I couldn't really blame him. Danny was a mouthwatering mound of muscles, and the meat between his—

“I'm very proud of you, Julian.”

I instantly felt like dirt; in that very moment my carnal thoughts were reducing the poor man to mere beefcake. “You are?” I asked a little too seriously.

He smiled at me—
devastating
—and rolled onto his side to face me.

Eyes on his face, eyes on his face, you dirty, dirty…

“Why didn't you show Jennie those pics you snapped of her husband and the funeral director?”

“How the hell—”

“Don't change the damn subject,” he interrupted.

His face soap mixed with his natural scent and the tiniest bit of what was left from his deodorant drifted to my nostrils. I was distracted by his scent and by the sight of him as he absently ran his fingers over his stomach. I couldn't think clearly. It was like sending a cow into a slaughterhouse to ask for directions. I was incredibly turned on, beyond vulnerable, and at enough of a disadvantage as it was.

“I followed you to the restroom,” he finally offered. “I was coming down the hall at the church, and I saw you taking pictures of something. I took a peek once you went into the bathroom.”

“It was bad…I know.”
Christ, please let Danny be my punishment…over and over… He can fuck me into submission… I'll be an angel from here on out, I swear it
. “I…um…well, why should I let her know? I think it's funny that she of all people is married to a big closet homo.”

Danny was looking intently into my eyes. “You're lying.” He laughed as I apparently let some sign he was right pass across my face. “Nice try, but I saw the look on your face at the table earlier. You had that phone in hand, ready to go, then
bam
…you looked suddenly sad and disappointed.”

Danny scooted a little closer to me as I rolled onto my side in an attempt to hide my now-raging erection.

“You wanted to shove that phone in her face, I could tell, but you suddenly couldn't let yourself do it.”

I rolled my eyes, really hating the fact that he seemed to be able to see right through me. I felt naked and exposed. “I knew that it would ruin her completely, not just seeing it, but having
me
be the one.”

He let out a belly laugh, as if knowing I hated admitting that to him. “You're a good man, Julian.”

I looked away from his gaze, and my eyes landed on the thick dick that lay under his boxer briefs. If it were hard like it had been that morning, I would have gone for it in that moment. I needed to calm myself down. This man whom I wanted horribly had me emotionally stripped down, and I felt uneasy.

Danny leaned in and once again kissed me softly. I waited momentarily to see if he would push further—a sign. I was mortified to discover that I'd been leaning forward as if to prevent the kiss from getting away. I completely stopped breathing, unable to believe I'd just revealed even more of myself. His gaze ran down my body, then back to my eyes.

He looked at me as if he could smell my arousal. My mind was racing as I lay there, trapped in his sights…a helpless deer in the scope. I'd already told him to take me, not in words, but certainly in body language. Was I meant to beg? When I couldn't take it anymore, I rolled over away from him. I reached over and turned off the bedside lamp and shut my eyes. “Good night.”

Why had I just done that? Well, because I'd practically said,
Please fuck me
, and he didn't.

“Good night,” Danny said softly from behind me.

I felt him move around, rolling away from me too, I suppose. I wanted to die. He'd allowed me to expose my want for him and then done nothing? What the hell was I blaming him for? He tried to pay me a lovely compliment, and my dirty-dirty need tried to twist that into something he never meant it to be.

I shut my eyes even more tightly, doing my best to slowly breathe in and out in an attempt to relax my body. A tap on the shoulder could have sent me springing into the air. I eventually became hypnotized by the intermittent soft rattle of the chain on the ceiling fan, which finally lulled me into a restless sleep.

I sat in my car in front of Gabby's house unable to stop crying. As I thought back over that night after Granny Grace's funeral, I felt again as naked and exposed as I had then. I was angry because I'd promised myself the morning after that humiliation that I would never allow it to happen again. My whole Reverse Operation Danny had gone into effect soon after we'd returned home. What the hell had happened? How could I have allowed him back into me…
body
and soul this time? Was I some kind of emotional masochist yet unaware of my sickness?

It was the worst I'd ever felt. I'd cried over a guy before, but never anything like this. My chest ached something awful. It felt as if something inside me was trying to eat its way out. I thought I might literally be in danger of dying from the ache. This was no romance-movie cry. This was a full-on, racked-with-sobs-and-snot-running-out-of-your-nose cry. I knew one thing with certainty. If I was able to survive this, I
never
wanted to love like this again.

I jumped a little hearing the soft tapping on the passenger-side window. Gabby was bent to look through the glass. I clicked the door locks open. She slid into the seat. She was in her cotton sweat shorts and a ribbed T-shirt, all legs and arms and hair. I squinted against the brightness of the dome light, and she pulled the door shut.

“Julian, I…”

I knew she knew by the tone of her voice. What else would I be doing sitting in front of her house bawling my eyes out only twenty-four hours after sleeping with the man with whom I was so desperately in love?

I looked over at her. “He doesn't want me.”

“I know. I'm sorry, baby.” She reached over and rubbed my back softly. “And he's making a huge mistake.”

I leaned forward to rest my forehead on the steering wheel as she tried her best to comfort me. “I don't understand, Gabby. What did I do wrong?”

She shushed me, massaging the back of my neck as she hummed softly to the radio playing quietly in the background. It was just loud enough to make out the song: “Since U Been Gone.” Great, I thought. And I love Kelly Clarkson. Now I'll
never
be able to hear this song again.

I laughed a little at the ridiculousness of the thought.
My heart's breaking, and I'm pissed off about Kelly Clarkson?
I sat up in the car seat and looked over at Gabby.

“Need a smoke?” she asked.

“Like a rent boy needs a bump.”

We both began to laugh a little, but I felt my eyes begin to well up again. Gabby smiled and gave me a look that told me I was going to be okay.

“No more of that, now.” She gave me a pat on the leg and opened the car door.

I took a deep breath and sniffled. I gathered up my phone and turned off my engine, then removed the keys from the ignition. I wiped my cheeks on my shoulders and exited the vehicle, hitting the Lock button on my remote. I followed Gabby up the sidewalk toward the porch.

Gabby and Brad's apartment was the first floor of a Queen Anne-style Victorian. The huge three-story house had a large wraparound porch with Doric columns.

We climbed the five steps onto the porch, and she went over to a resin container by the front door. She yanked the lid off and pulled out a pack of smokes, a lighter, and a small glass ashtray. We both sat down on the porch swing, and I sniffled as I took the ciggie she offered.

“What the hell is it about me that drives them away? I'm like manthrax, Gabby. One dose and it's over. Lights out on all the happiness.”

Gabby laughed a little and gave me a squeeze. “This isn't your fault, Julian. This is bullshit. I don't know what the fuck Danny was thinking, but he knew what he'd be getting into with you before shoving his tongue down your throat.”

“Damn, he was such a good kisser.” I started to well up again.

“Sorry. Okay, no more talk like that.” Gabby patted my chest lightly. “I just don't get it, that's all. One minute you're watching a movie, and the next…”

“All up in my shit!” I shrugged, getting a little tired of her continuous digging for something that wasn't there.
Damn reporters are never satisfied
. “I didn't do anything to instigate it.”

“Right, sorry… I just…” She crinkled her forehead. “He couldn't have been that stupid.”

“And thanks again.” I shook my head. “Perhaps I'd be better off finding the nearest cliff and driving off it.”

“That's not what I meant.” Gabby patted my chest again, this time less lightly.

I could see that her mind was racing.

“What the hell were you watching, porn?”

“
Anne of Avonlea
!” I yelled, my voice shooting up several octaves.

Gabby really lost it, letting out a throaty laugh. “Why don't you stay here tonight? We can pull out the sleeper sofa, eat too much chocolate, and watch old episodes of
Veronica Mars
.”

“Bran won't mind?”

She gave me a dirty look for the Bran comment. “No, because he's a good, decent, and kind man.”

“Sheesh, rub it in, why doncha?” I smiled a little, sniffling again.

“God, you're a nutcase. You know that, right?”

I nodded and breathed a resigned sigh. We sat out on the porch swing and smoked one more cigarette before heading into her apartment. We pulled the old, creaky bed out of the sleeper sofa, and it made me a bit nostalgic. We'd spent a lot of time on that hide-a-bed when we had our apartment together. That was back before Bran swooped in and absconded with my best friend.

I knew I really needed to get over that, but it was difficult. Gabby was practically like another limb to me. I loved her more than anybody. Well, except maybe my parents. The little bastard had no right to come in and steal my womenfolk. Considering I had neither the nine inches nor the desire to know my BFF in the biblical, I should try to let it go and be satisfied with the knowledge that he made her happy. Unfortunately, I was a bit selfish.

* * * * *

I went back to the loft the following morning. I'd become so wrapped up in my meltdown that I'd completely forgotten about my mother flying in that afternoon. On top of that, I had a date with Andy that same night, and I'd neglected to take his calls the whole day before while I sat by the phone waiting for Danny. That neglect alone could be enough to solve the problem with Andy. If it were me, I'd more than likely not want to see
me
anymore.

I wasn't sure why I was holding off on calling Andy. Obviously I needed to tell him that some unexpected “things” had popped up over the weekend, that under the circumstances, it would be best if he and I put things on hold for a while.

As I got ready for lunch with Gabby, I began to wonder why I should call a halt to any relationship with Andy. Things didn't look as bad once morning arrived. I'd had my cry, and it was over. Was it really necessary for me to allow Danny to ruin what I might have with Andy? It was bad enough he'd more than likely ruined our friendship, not to mention that I wasn't sure I could continue to live with him.

I put a tiny amount of lotion in my hands and rubbed them together before massaging it into my face. I wasn't at all sure what to do.

And as much as I didn't want to admit it, there was something else. I was trying to block out the voice in the back of my brain reminding me that what had happened with Danny was something I'd wanted. It was true. And to some extent, despite not physically doing anything to instigate what had been the greatest sex of my life, I had in fact for months done everything in my power to let him know I'd be open to it.

My forehead crinkled a bit as I opened a drawer and pulled out my deodorant. Partly to blame or not, I wasn't one of Danny's good-time boys, and he knew it. The way that he had—

I stopped the thought for a moment, taking a deep breath as I vigorously ran the stick under my arms, feeling the rage build. It was obvious Danny was fairly drunk, but bringing that fucking twink home with him last night, that was cold. That's the kind of shit that drove Glenn Close to the bunny-boiling point in
Fatal Attraction
. Of that I was sure.

Realistically I knew I could never do anything like that to a real rabbit, but if Danny had happened to have a stuffed animal rabbit, that little fucker would so be toast right now! I pictured myself maniacally hacking away at the poor, defenseless stuffed animal, faux fur and cottony stuffing flying through the air. I laughed evilly as I squirted toothpaste onto the brush.

I'm not going to let Danny do it. Andy and I are on like Donkey Kong, motherfucker!
I nodded as I scrubbed my teeth robustly. I bet if I were to toe-curlingly fuck Andy senseless, he wouldn't want to toss me aside the next day.

I spit into the sink and pointed my toothbrush threateningly at the mirror. “Yeah!”

I frowned. Then I reached over and tore off toilet paper to wipe off the spit and toothpaste I'd inadvertently flung onto the mirror. I tossed the paper into the trash and rinsed off my toothbrush.

* * * * *

Once more, I was on a key hunt. I spied them lying on the kitchen counter, where I'd tossed them in haste when I'd returned to the apartment. Next to them was a note from Danny asking me to pick him up at the bookstore on my way to the airport.
I'll pick you up…and toss your ass in front of some oncoming traffic
. I gritted my teeth a bit, then exhaled dramatically before forcing on a smile as I snatched up the note.

I'd already decided not to say anything to Mom about any of this. I knew Danny loved her, and she him. The thought of doing anything to come between them made me sick to my stomach. The ride to the airport would give us a chance to sort out a thing or two before Mom arrived and got blended up into the mix.

As I rushed out to meet Gabby, I tripped on the long, skinny carpet runner behind the couch and fell face-first into the floor. I barely managed to keep from smacking my face. Feeling the dull ache in my elbows, I knew right away that the tumble would leave a mark. I pulled myself back up, letting out a string of expletives. I slammed the loft door shut behind me and made my way down the stairwell.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs, it was the first that I'd noticed the rain pouring down like mad.
Could my day get any worse?
I contemplated going back upstairs to get an umbrella but decided that I was already going to be late as it was. I made a mad dash for my car, using the keyless entry. I flung open the door and slid into the driver's seat.

I'd already called Andy and used my mother as the excuse for my bad manners the previous day. She'd be so pleased to know that, I thought, shoving my key into the ignition. Andy hadn't seemed too upset by the fact that I hadn't taken his calls, declaring he knew I was the kind of person who would have a very good excuse for such behavior. That, of course, made me feel like a big, steamy pile of poo. While I had a good reason from my perspective, from Andy's, it wasn't a very nice one.

Putting the car into reverse and backing out, I began to seriously wonder why I was still alone. I thought about the boyfriends I'd had. There'd been one or two who were at least maybes. In the end, they'd just opted to spend their lives with someone other than me.

I weaved my little Mini Cooper through traffic, the windshield wipers swaying back and forth. As I replayed their blow-off lines in my head, I decided it must've been the cosmos's way of balancing out my usually optimistic attitude. “
You're great and wonderful. I just don't think we're right for each other
.” What did that mean? I was too great and too wonderful for him to deal with on a daily basis? No, it meant: I like you; I just don't love you.

Then there was “
You're just too perky
.” I'm sorry, but someone who'd pissed the last ten years of his or her life away could not be considered perky. Perky people are doers, which I most certainly was not. What he'd meant to say was I'm not cynical. Just because I didn't rip other people to shreds behind their backs didn't make me chipper. I just wasn't the Antichrist.

There was the ever-painful “
I don't think our chance for longevity looks very promising
.” All that time, and I never knew I was dating a fucking psychic. What else could one expect from a freakin' Gemini?

There had, of course, been a plethora at the other end of the spectrum: the deceivers. God, I hated that moment, the one where I'd wake up three months into a relationship and the man lying next to me would look at me. I'd look at him and smile, still anxiety-riddled over morning breath. He'd open his mouth and speak. I'd look at him funny. He seemed like the same man I'd spent all this time with, but he suddenly sounded and acted differently.

Several days of this would go by, and I'd be thinking, Evil twin? Body snatcher? Alien abduction? Then it would finally dawn on me: It was the real him. The one he'd been concealing. The sweet, loving, melt-my-heart man I thought I'd landed was really a conceited, narcissistic psychopath I wouldn't want to be caught alone with in a dark alley.

The most depressing part of it all was that I couldn't help but feel as though I would've been happier if an alien
had
split open the guy's chest and scurried off down the hall. At least then he could've remained the perfect man I'd envisioned him to be. Not the man who'd lied, concealed, and tricked my heart, but the victim of a horrible, wretched, brain-numbing, mind-boggling accident.

Then I'd be able to play the widow and wear a bitchin' black veil. Laugh if you will, but don't think for one minute I wouldn't find a way to wear the veil. I'd be able to cry, sob, and have people say things like
What a tragedy
and
They were so in love.