Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples (8 page)

I've communicated with many people who live in other parts of the country, guiding them in their anal exploration processes via letter, telephone, e-mail, or one or two visits to my office. Their reports indicate that most of them are able to make significant and welcome changes without the regular involvement of a therapist. A therapist offers clients opportunities to clarify their feelings and needs, as well as support and guidance in working through any rough spots. These therapeutic functions can't be replaced by a book. Nonetheless, it's possible to provide yourself with support and feedback by taking the risk of honestly discussing your feelings and activities with a close friend or lover. With adequate motivation and persistence, most people are capable of initiating and directing their own self-exploration, using this book as a guide.

HOW THE BOOK IS STRUCTURED. Anal awareness has two dimensions. First, there's the individual process of self-exploration. The second dimension involves sharing anal exploration and stimulation with a partner. The first part of this book deals with the more private aspects of anal exploration. Other people participate only through their memory, imagination or fantasies. The latter part deals with how to include the anal area comfortably and safely in sensual and sexual play with others.

Each chapter begins with relevant information from the fields of anatomy and physiology, medicine or psychology. Then a section entitled "experience" presents simple things to do. This section is intended to help you apply new information, in concrete and practical ways, to your own behavior. The "response" section should help you integrate new information and experience into your life. Here I discuss feelings you might have as a result of your experiences, blocks that might get in your way, and possibilities for positive change.

Unlike some books that encourage flipping pages randomly, this one is designed to be read in sequence. Each chapter builds on the previous ones and assumes you have at least thought about their content, and perhaps tried some of the suggestions.

When you read the experiences or actual words of my clients, it's important to keep in mind that these aren't offered as norms or standards for what you should experience or feel. Instead, consider whether they're helpful in understanding yourself. If some statements aren't relevant, feel free to move on. But before dismissing anything as irrelevant, take a moment to ask yourself if possibly the material is in fact very relevant, and thus somewhat threatening. If you have a particularly strong negative reaction to something you read, consider it a good indication that you could benefit from spending more time with that section.

WORKING WITH A PARTNER. Some people want to include a partner in their anal exploration right from the start. If this is true for you, be sure to spend at least as much time exploring alone as you spend with your partner. Ideally, your partner should spend time exploring alone, too. If you don't have an appropriate partner right now or aren't ready to talk with him or her about anal pleasure, you can still accomplish a great deal on your own. Later, when you feel more comfortable, you can think about your options for including a partner.

SETTING ASIDE TIME. How much you get out of this book will depend on your motivation-which, to a great extent, is reflected in how much time and energy you're willing to devote to learning about yourself. Most people do best if they set aside one or two exploratory periods each week. These periods should be during "prime time" when you're not tired, preoccupied or in a hurry. If you're like most people, you'll have to guard your private time militantly against encroachment by other pressures and demands. Avoid becoming too rigid about it, though, because this won't be conducive to relaxation. Whatever you do, don't turn anal exploration into a task or obligation. If you don't feel like doing it, then don't. Sometimes, however, a gentle push is necessary to overcome discomfort with the unfamiliar.

KEEPING A JOURNAL. Your progress will be greatly enhanced if you keep a journal. This is a notebook in which you write about experiences, thoughts, and feelings as you move through the book. Many of us have trouble finding the time even a few minutes to be quiet and attuned with ourselves; the practical demands of life are always clamoring for our attention. Even some occasional brief notes or scribbles can be helpful. I have yet to find a person who kept a journal who didn't say it was tremendously valuable.

GOALS AND ExPECTATIONS. Perhaps you're reading this book without any preconceived ideas about what you'd like to get out of it-just browsing to see if there's anything useful here. On the other hand you may already have specific ideas about how you'd like to grow and change. If you do have goals or expectations in mind, even if they're not very clear, it's worthwhile to state them explicitly at least to yourself, maybe to a friend or a lover, or write them down.

My work has shown unmistakably that the way a person approaches anal exploration is significantly related to how beneficial the process turns out to be. Those who want to perform better as a result of therapy (that is, their main motivation is to please someone else) are far less likely to reach their goals than those who wish to develop new pleasure options for themselves. If you're coming into this with performance-oriented goals, such as "I want to satisfy my lover by being able to receive anal intercourse," consider a more pleasureoriented approach. What if you put the emphasis on getting more in touch with yourself?

Unfortunately, clients with all types of sexual concerns frequently have trouble distinguishing between these two types of goals. Many people become so performance-oriented that their partner's pleasure is seen as synonymous with, or more important than, their own. If the distinction between pleasure and performance motivations isn't fully clear to you now, keep thinking about it as you move through the book. Changing your motivation may not be so easy, especially if you're used to putting a partner's needs and desires ahead of your own. So it's a good idea to start now.

Your goals may have little or nothing to do with enjoying the anus sensually or erotically. You may be far more interested in restoring or maintaining your anal health. Perhaps you're trying to resolve an acute or chronic medical problem that's making you uncomfortable. Or perhaps you've seen a parent or older friend struggle with the pain and distress of anal problems such as hemorrhoids, and you'd like to do all you can to avoid these difficulties yourself.

Goals related to health or pleasure are definitely not mutually exclusivethe fundamental premise of this book. Anal enjoyment may ultimately be of interest, but you simply can't imagine exploring it until you restore your anus and the surrounding areas to optimal wellness and comfort. It's also quite possible that your desire to learn about or enhance your capacity for anal pleasure may lead to the unexpected discovery of health problems that require your attention; chronic pelvic muscle tension is the most common such discovery. Being as clear as possible about what you're looking for, and also prepared for your goals to evolve as you move along, will help you get the most out of this book.

MAKING A No-PAIN-EVER COMMITMENT. Whether or not you have specific goals, the positive results of any anal exploration will be greatly enhanced if you make one fundamental commitment to yourself: From now on, I will do everything within my power to protect my anus from any pain or discomfort whatsoever. If you're worried about the possibility of pain, your enjoyment of anal stimulation will be greatly limited and your anal muscles will refuse to relax completely.

Don't make this commitment flippantly, because it won't do any good. Understand that honoring this agreement may require you to place the comfort of your anus ahead of the desire of a sex partner. To say "yes" to your own body you may have to say "no" to somebody else. If you are currently grinning and bearing anal pain in deference to your partner-or in the hope you'll learn to like it-you may find this commitment a difficult one to make. It's better to admit that you're not ready to make this commitment than it is to make it and then break it. Luckily, the vast majority of people seem more than happy to remove pain from their repertoire of anal experiences.

TIMING AND RHYTHM. Each individual has his or her own pace for selfdiscovery and change. Some people find that things move smoothly and quickly from the moment they start. For others, the process unfolds much more gradually. Honor how it is for you.

There is even more diversity when it comes to people's styles of changing and growing. Some progress step-by-step. Most, however, experience spurts of self-exploration, out of which they may report breakthroughs, followed by periods when nothing much seems to be happening. For some, these ups and downs are dramatic and charged with emotion. Others take their rhythms more in stride.

Expecting yourself to grow according to an ideal schedule and style is just another way of putting pressure on yourself and thereby inhibiting relaxation and pleasure. The more you can follow your natural timing and rhythm, the more you'll accept yourself and, consequently, the more good things will unfold.

All but the most haphazard anal exploration requires a conscious decision to do it. A lack of first-hand knowledge may have left you susceptible to a wide range of negative ideas and feelings about your anus, most of which would never have developed if you'd been allowed free visual and tactile exploration of this hidden body zone.