Always and Forever (68 page)

“I might not be a match for you but I’m stronger now than
you will ever be.”

He bursts out laughing, ridiculing my one and only attempt
at standing up for myself. His saliva makes contact with my face and I grimace
in revulsion.

“I never knew you were a comedienne, Bethany. How on earth
can you think that
you
would be able to defeat me? You’re nothing,
you’re worthless. I should have drowned you at birth. I would have done it if
I’d have known what a disgrace you’d turn out to be. The only mistake I’ve made
is to believe you were special, that you were different. The truth is I’ve been
fooling myself for the past twenty years. You’re plain, you’re laughable and
you’re pathetic. You’re exactly like your mother. ”

I choke back a sob, willing myself to remain standing. I
can’t afford to give him the satisfaction of watching me crumble. I won’t do
it. I can fight him, I have to. I close my eyes, desperately trying to conjure
up an image of Jake. I’ve often thought of him as my life line and the truth is
I’ve never needed saving more than I do right now.

“I guess I fooled you then.”

I force myself to meet his gaze with confidence. My bold
impudence is quickly rewarded by a sharp, violent slap to the face. I gasp at
the incredible force behind it and hold my left cheek, trying to numb the sting
his blow has caused me.

 “Don’t you dare speak to me like that; you’re nothing
but a worthless little bitch that opened her legs for the first bloke who
fancied his chances with her. I know everything; I know you’re a thief. You
stole from me; I know you took money from the store. I’ve remained close by
these last few weeks; I’ve been watching your every move. I checked the till
and noticed the money was missing. I followed you on Monday when you got into a
taxi with him. I waited for you to return and followed you all the way home;
you still didn’t have a fucking clue. That’s how close I can get to you; you were
completely unaware that my eyes were on you. What makes you think your future
will be anything different? I’ll always be there; I’ll always be one step ahead
of you. Do you really think I’m going to let you go? You belong with nobody but
me and if I can’t have you then nobody else will.”

 His face is red with exertion and rage; our foreheads
are practically touching now that there’s hardly any distance between us. I
long to take a step back from him and get away from his evil eyes and wicked
words but refuse to give him the satisfaction of cowering away from him. I now
realise that my suspicions were right that day, I had been followed. I knew I’d
felt someone watching me and it was him.

As for the money I took from the book store, it was only
missing from the till for four days; he must have checked it before I managed
to return the money Jake gave me to replace it because I put it back the day
after I went to see the doctor with Jake.

I recoil away from him and his sickening words. He’s
revolting and his comments about me belonging to him are repulsive to the
extreme. I’ve always known that he was possessive, controlling and domineering,
it’s the way he’s always been. However, I’m now starting to wonder about the
true nature of his feelings towards me. Do his feelings for me run much deeper?
I’m his daughter but does he really love me the way a father should? I feel
weak, physically sick and terrified of him. I know I have to get out of here
but he’s still blocking my only exit.  

“You need help.” I say with disgust.

“
I
need help? What about you and your deceit? What
about all of the lies you’ve told and the sneaking around? Did you really think
I wouldn’t find out? I knew you had to be meeting him when I went out on Friday
night. It was the only time you could be so secretive and get away with it
without me knowing and that’s when I figured out your mother knew exactly what
was going on; you were in on it together, both of you deceiving me.” He snarls
contemptuously, pointing his finger in my face.

“Mum has nothing to do with this! She doesn’t know anything
about Jake. I kept the truth from her; I’ve been lying to her all along. I told
her I was meeting up with Amy, an old school friend. She knows nothing about
Jake so just keep her out of this.”

“You expect me to believe she’s been oblivious to what’s
been going on all this time? I know she’s stupid but even she’s not that
gullible. When I returned home tonight I was ready to confront her, my plan was
thwarted when I stumbled across the contemptible, pitiable mess clutching the
telephone. I decided what I had in-store for her could wait, the fact that her
interfering old hag of a mother is dead is enough retribution… for now.” He
smiles vindictively, his lip curling up in triumph.

I hate him so much, I despise him more than I ever have
done and to witness him taking delight in my mum’s pain, to see him rejoicing
over my gran’s death is too much for me to take. I finally snap.

“I hate you! I hate you so much. I wish you were dead. Why
can’t you just go away? Leave here and never come back. We don’t want you and
we certainly don’t need you! All these years you thought I really loved you!
You actually believed my devotion was real? The only gullible bastard here is
you. You can pretend to despise me now but I know you loved me. You’ve adored
me for all these years and you thought I reciprocated your feelings. You’re the
one I feel sorry for in all of this. You’re the loser and the only person no
one gives a shit about!”

I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and glaring into his
eyes, projecting all of my pent up hatred for him that I’ve struggled to
conceal all these years. There’s still more to say and I open my mouth to
scream some more obscenities at him, there’s so much I want to say, there’s so
much I can use to hurt him. Before I get a chance, I’m knocked to the floor.
The burning sensation is far greater than before and I struggle to move my jaw,
the pain is so intense.

“I might just decide to show you some leniency; I can’t
imagine how you must be feeling right now. You’ve just found out that your dear
old gran is dead and the guilt you must be feeling… I can’t even imagine it.”

“What the hell do I need to feel guilty for?” I yell,
holding my cheek as I scramble away from him on the floor. I’m not going to
bother pulling myself to my feet again, he’ll only knock me flying.

“For using your gran’s house in that way, you really think
I don’t know what you were up to with him there?” He crouches down so he can
look me in the eye.

I can feel my cheeks flushing with embarrassment and
humiliation. He makes me feel dirty and wrong, even though I know it’s not the
way he’s describing it. I know the only reason Jake and I were meeting at
gran’s house is because of my father. I wanted freedom and I couldn’t have it
unless I kept my relationship with Jake a secret. I had no choice but to lie.

“You don’t know anything about Jake or anything about me
for that matter.” I murmur.

“I think I do. I know everything about you. I know exactly
what you are and I think it’s time you also learnt the truth about yourself.”

“What are you talking about?”

He chooses to ignore me and walks towards my bedroom light
switch, flicking it on. I put my hand over my eyes, protecting them from the
harsh light.

“Turn around.” He instructs me.

I finally pull myself to my feet, reluctantly turning
around to face my bedroom wall. I cry out in dismay when I see what he’s done.
He’s scrawled all over it in red paint and all that can be seen are the words
‘whore’ ‘bitch’ and ‘slut.’

I berate myself for the warm tear that accidentally slides
out of the corner of my eye. How could he do this? My own father, the one
person in this world who’s supposed to protect me, who’s supposed to love me
and care for me above anybody else. How can he do this to me? What did I do to
deserve this? I close my eyes, not wanting to see. What kind of man would do
this to his own daughter?

“What you’ve wrote… you could write it on every single wall
in this house and it still wouldn’t make it true.” I whisper, turning back
around to face him.

“It’s true and do you want to know how I now that? It’s
true because I’ve seen it with my own eyes. You’ve lied to me, you’ve deceived
me and you willingly flipped on your back for him.”

I know he’s referring to Jake and I having sex. It makes my
skin crawl to even think that he’s considered such a thing, even if it is true.
He slowly walks in a circle around me, a taunting reminder of the predator
inside of him. He stands behind me, remaining still, reminding me of the usual
calm he portrays before the storm. I know I have to escape; I have to get out
of here before he consumes and destroys everything in his path.

“It’s normal to be in a relationship, it’s normal that I
want to be with somebody I care for, someone that I love.”

“Love? Don’t make me laugh! You don’t love him, you hardly
know him. He’s made a fool of you. He wanted one thing from you and he got it,
didn’t he?” He growls in my ear causing me to shudder.

 He grabs hold of my shoulders and spins me around to
face him. He clenches his right fist and I know what’s coming, his remaining
hand is still glued to my shoulder keeping me firmly in place. I couldn’t make
a run for it now even if I tried. I shut my eyes and pray for it to be quick,
for the pain of his fist colliding with my face to be over. The seconds go by
and nothing happens. I can hear his laboured breathing so I know he’s still
standing right in front of me. I wonder if this is all part of his plan, if
this is a cleverly thought out method of his to prolong my torture for a little
bit longer.

A piercing smashing noise jolts me back to the present, I
open my eyes and can hardly believe the sight before me. A crazed mad man is
pacing back and forth, his face is an astonishing red with rage and his fists
clench and unclench at his sides. I gasp in horror when I watch him pull down
my bedroom curtains; the next thing to be destroyed is my bedroom furniture. He
furiously tips my chest of drawers over and it crashes against the ground
making an almighty noise. My wardrobe is next and I hastily take a step back,
scrambling to avoid being squashed underneath it when it topples.

He looks around for something else to eradicate. He’s out
of luck, my room’s always been sparse and there isn’t much else for him to
demolish. He grabs my drawers and tips them upside down, emptying them of the
few items of clothing that I own. He then starts tearing my clothes, ripping
them to shreds before my very eyes. I back away until I’m standing against the
wall furthest away from him. He’s lost his mind. He’s gone completely mad. I
should run away, I should throw myself down the stairs in an attempt to get
away from this insane monster who calls himself my father. I should do all of
these things and I don’t, I can’t. I’m incapable of moving, I feel frozen. It’s
as though I’m made of stone. I scream when he ferociously throws my empty
drawers against the wall he wrote on. I cover my eyes with my hands, reluctant
to see my belongings being smashed to pieces.

I have to get out of here. I have the baby to think about
and it’s not safe to stay in this house with him for another minute longer. I’m
pretty close to the door and I decide that now is the perfect time to make my
exit. I creep towards the door handle but he’s too fast for me. He moves lie
lightning; slamming it shut using the whole weight of his body and barricades
me in the bedroom once more.

I stare at him with wide eyes, no longer recognising who he
is. His own eyes are wild and bloodshot, glaring at me with revulsion and hate.
I cower away from him as he menacingly takes a step closer towards me.

“I’m pregnant!” I yell, covering my face with my hands.

I can only hope that my revelation will evoke some scrap of
empathy from him. As much as he hates me, he surely wouldn’t attack his
pregnant daughter, would he? I wait for his response, my chest rising and
falling rapidly in anticipation of what reaction my news will provoke from him.

 “You think I didn’t know?” He curls his lip in
disgust, allowing his eyes to roam over my body from top to bottom. I gape up
at him in astonishment. How the hell could he know? He’s been away for weeks
and I hadn’t even slept with Jae before he left home for his supposed ‘business
trip.’

“How could you know?” I ask him, trembling with fear.

“I found the pregnancy tests. The ones you tried to conceal
in a drawer at your gran’s house. As soon as her neighbour told me all about
your comings and goings, I went and searched the entire house. I wanted proof,
I knew you would have been careless and left something behind. That’s why
everything I’ve painted on that wall is true. I know exactly what you are.” He
forcefully grabs hold of my chin and turns my face to see the despicable words
he’s scribbled all over my bedroom wall.