Always and Forever (65 page)

“Sarah, what you did to Jake was wrong. I’ve seen with my
own eyes how much it hurt him when he found out you were sleeping with other
men whilst you were pregnant. I want to believe what you’re saying but I just
don’t see how you could cheat on him if you really felt so strongly about him.”

“You wouldn’t understand because Jake loves you. You’re not
craving his attention or desperate for him to take notice. I was in love with
someone who didn’t love me; do you know how it made me feel? I felt unwanted, undesirable
and neglected. I can’t excuse what I did but I was close to despair, I was
grieving and not thinking clearly. I only slept with those other guys because I
knew Jake didn’t want me.”

“What about me? What did I do to deserve your wrath?”

“Nothing. You did nothing to me except make Jake fall in
love with you and for that I hated you. What I did to you that night was
unforgivable; I’ve been meaning to apologise to you since that night but never
thought I’d see you again to do it.”

 Her voice beseeches me to believe her and she
genuinely looks sincere. I suppose I now have a choice to make, I can choose to
hold a grudge and refuse to forgive her or I can decide to move forward and be
the bigger person.

“I can’t tell you what you did is ok and I can’t condone
how you treated Jake.” I hesitate, pondering whether I should say the rest.
“Despite all of that, I can forgive you. I know you’ve been through so much and
I can’t imagine what you went through when you lost your baby. I accept your
apology and I hope you find your own piece of happiness, Sarah. I really do.”

“Thank you, your forgiveness means a lot to me and I’m glad
Jake has finally met someone who is worthy of him. Take care of each other,
Bethany.”

I gently squeeze her hand and she takes me by surprise when
she reciprocates my gesture, grasping my hand. She wipes a stray tear from her
cheek, smiling weakly before she goes. I watch her for a few moments,
empathising for the vulnerable girl I just spoke to. Of course I can’t overlook
the loathsome things she said and the pain she inflicted upon Jake but I can
understand and accept that she has also suffered. Jake and I have each other
but who does Sarah have? She doesn’t deserve my contempt or ridicule and that’s
why I can respect the courage it must have taken for her to face me.

I think about Sarah all the
way home. I don’t know if I could cope with the weight of sadness and regret
she has to carry around with her. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to
lose the only person you love. A life without Jake is unimaginable, how could I
even live in a world without him in it?

I make my way upstairs as soon as I get home, deciding a
hot bubble bath will help me relax and warm myself up. I immerse myself in the
hot water, lowering myself into it very slowly because of the scorching
temperature. I’ve always taken my baths like this, what’s the point of lukewarm
water?

I no longer have any reason to dwell on my strange
conversation with Sarah but for some reason I can’t seem to erase what she told
me from my mind. She looked so forlorn and desolate, a complete contrast to the
girl I believed her to be. It would be impossible for me to not feel sorry for
her and that’s why I decided not to tell her the truth about my own baby. She
lost her unborn child; it would have been cruel and insensitive of me to rub my
own pregnancy in her face. Underneath Sarah’s brave façade there is so mush
sadness, I certainly don’t want to hurt her anymore than my relationship with
Jake already has.

I wrap myself in a warm dressing gown when I get out of the
bath and make my way into my bedroom where I curl up on the bed. There are
still several hours to go until I have to leave and meet with Jake and all I
want to do right now is close my eyes and forget. My mind won’t rest, it
refuses to quieten down and I’m unable to get a single moment of peace. My hand
inevitably finds its way to my flat stomach; I still can’t believe that a tiny
baby is actually in there.

If only there was a way I could postpone this pregnancy, if
only we hadn’t created this innocent little life right now. If I could have one
wish it would be to put everything on hold, why can’t we fast-forward time or
rewind so we can do things differently? I reach for my iPod, already knowing
which song I’m going to listen to.

I put Kelly Clarkson’s song ‘Catch My Breath’ on repeat as
I watch the sunset from my bedroom window. I could listen to this song a
thousand times and still not tire of it. It’s so beautifully transcendent, a
song about that defining moment of clarity, a moment when you decide that the
rest of your life is going to be ok, a moment without fear.

A stray tear slowly glides down my face as I gaze at the
magnificent hues in the sky. The pink and purple colours in the clouds are
breathtaking and I’m so thankful for the glorious view before me. I’ve always
considered myself lucky to have this bedroom, the scenery is
breathtaking.  There are no houses in sight; all that can be seen are
woods and trees, a copious amount of greenery. It’s probably the only thing I
would miss from this house if I were to leave home. The realisation of this is
startling, forcing me to take a good look around my sparse bedroom. I can’t
believe I don’t feel anything, I have no attachment to anything in this house
and the understanding of this is bittersweet.

 The truth of the matter is this place has never been
my home. This house has been my prison for as long as I can remember and I
never thought I’d have the opportunity to break out of it. I never fantasised
about escaping or really let myself dream about a future I didn’t think was
possible. The question I need to ask myself now is what exactly am I still
doing here? I have a way out, I have someone who can help me escape and someone
I want to spend the rest of my life with. Why am I stopping keeping myself from
him and everything we could be together?

He’s made it perfectly clear how badly he wants me to be
with him, he despises the fact that I’m still living here and I think I’ve
finally reached the point where I feel the same way. I’m not sure how I’m going
to do this, I have no idea where I’ll get the strength from to do it but I’m
certain about one thing, I won’t be spending another night in this house. I’m
not going to stay here and wait for the return of the monster who calls himself
my father. It’s time for me to leave, to break free from the misery that has
been my existence for the last twenty years. My future is with Jake and it can
start right now. My happy ever after can be tonight.

I can hardly wait to see Jake and tell him all about my
decision. I’m not sure how this is going to work out but I’m determined I’m
going to try. I have faith in Jake and I know he’ll always take good care of
me. I’ve never as safe as I do when I’m in his arms.

I tell mum I’m meeting Amy and take comfort in the
knowledge that this will be the last time I’ll have to lie to her. It’s
freezing outside and already getting dark, I send Jake a quick text letting him
know I’m on my way to meet him. He replies within seconds to tell me he’s
already outside my gran’s house waiting for me.

He’s perched on gran’s garden wall but stands as soon as he
spots me making my way over towards him. We only saw each other last night but
my chest tightens at the thought of being apart from him again. I’m done with
saying goodbye to him, I’m tired of all the lying and deceit that’s involved
with making sure we can see one another and I’ve definitely reached a decision
that after tonight Jake and I will never be apart again. Unable to control my
exuberance and exhilaration at the thought, I throw myself into his arms and
squeeze him tight. I can never let this boy go. Never.

“Wow, I wasn’t expecting such a warm welcome. I thought you
would still be angry with me about last night.”

 He reciprocates my embrace, nuzzling against my neck
and inhaling the scent of my skin. I know he’s referring to what we did last
night, sex in the kitchen was something neither of us had planned and it
wouldn’t be fair of me to put all of the blame on Jake.

The feel of his mouth against me sends shivers down my
spine. I imagine what it would feel like to have this every single day, what it
would be like to wake up beside him every morning and how incredibly safe I
would feel falling asleep in his arms every night. The idea is beyond perfect.

“I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much.” I tell him,
burrowing my face into his chest.

“You did?” He asks, sounding hopeful and surprised.

 He releases his hold on me and averts his gaze to the
ground. He looks really uncomfortable and ashamed with himself, forcing me to
feel guilty for the remorse he’s feeling for his actions the evening before.

“It’s ok, Jake. You did nothing wrong. I’m also responsible
for what went on between us. We got carried away and it shouldn’t have happened
but it did and there’s nothing that we can do about it now.”

“Baby, it’s not ok. I’m disgusted with myself for how I
treated you; I behaved like a complete Neanderthal. I lost control and I’ve
been beating myself up about it ever since. It’s just… I’m trapped in a
constant battle with myself and I’m struggling because I can see the man I want
to be, the man who would be deserving of you. I try so hard to be that guy but
still end up failing every damn time.” He groans, tugging on his hair in
vexation.

“You’re already that guy, Jake. Don’t ever doubt that, not
for a single second.” My fingertips stroke his face as I stand on my tip toes,
trying to place a delicate kiss on his forehead. Jake chuckles and lowers his
head for me so I can actually reach him.

“Let’s go in, tiny.”

I shove him playfully, following him up the garden path. I
turn around to face him as soon as we’ve made it through the front door.

“Would it be ok if we go outside?” I ask him.

“Now? It’s freezing out there.”

“I only want to step out for a moment. It is cold but it’s
a beautiful night, the stars are out and there’s a bench we can sit on in the
back garden.”

“Lead the way.” He tells me, a hint of amusement in his
voice.

I take hold of his hand, pulling him back through the front
door and around the side of the house. As we enter the garden, I can’t help but
remember all of the times when I was little and I’d play out here in the
summer. Gran would usually bring out her knitting and sit on the bench,
chatting to me whilst I played.  She even bought a swing for me on my
sixth birthday. I’d spend hours on it; I’d close my eyes and pretend I was
flying. I look around the garden now and remember the good times I spent here.
I’m so glad I can cherish the memories I have, if it weren’t for my gran I
probably wouldn’t have any positive memories about my childhood at all.

“I have a lot of sweet memories here.” I say tenderly,
turning my back on him for a moment so I can be alone with my thoughts.

“You want to tell me what’s going on?” Jake enquires,
walking around me and taking both of my hands in his.

“Let’s sit down.” I say, motioning towards the bench.

“What’s happened?” He remains standing; his whole body now
rigid with tension.

“Just come and sit down. It’s nothing bad, I promise you.”
I smile at him, hoping that my relaxed demeanour will reassure him.

He reluctantly joins me but his fists remain clenched in
anticipation of what I’m about to tell him.

“I’m going to start from the beginning.” I pause, licking
my dry lips. “I bumped into someone today. I saw Sarah.”

 “What? Where did you see her? You didn’t say anything
to me, what did she do? Did she hurt you?” He asks, bombarding me with
questions and jumping to his feet in anger.

“She didn’t do anything to me. Listen to me, Jake. Sit back
down.” I tug on his hand, pulling him back down onto the bench besides me.

“Just tell me what happened.” He demands.

“I was walking home from the bookstore and I saw her. We
talked a little and she explained some things to me. She actually apologised,
Jake.”

“
Sarah
apologised to you?” He says incredulously. “I
don’t believe it; she’s up to something, Bethany. She has to be. I told her to
leave you alone, I warned her to stay away!”

“She didn’t come looking for me; it was purely a
coincidence that we saw one another again. What we talked about isn’t really
that important, what I’m trying to say is that speaking to her helped me to
decide something. It helped me to finally come to a decision.”

“About the baby?” He looks so expectant and eager; I feel a
sharp pang of guilt for my inability to provide him with an answer.

“Not exactly.” I mumble quietly.

“Then what have you decided? Tell me, Bethany. Please.” He
begs.

“I want to be with you. I want to be with you all of the
time and I realised today that I can be. I have no reason to be at home
anymore, it’s not even my home and it never has been. My home is with you,
wherever you are. It’s time for me to leave. It’s time for me to start my life
with you.” I admit, praying he’ll give me the reaction I’ve been hoping for.

He stares at me in astonishment and the silence between us
seems to last forever.

“Do you really mean that?” He whispers uncertainly, the
absolute astonishment can be heard in his voice.

“Yes, if you still want me.” I grin at him joyfully.

 “I… I don’t know what to say. I’ve wanted this for so
long; having you with me is all I’ve been able to think about. So many nights I
haven’t been able to sleep because I’ve been longing for you. I need you with
me, Bethany. I don’t care how melodramatic this sounds or how crazy it seems. I
need you to survive. You are everything to me.”

“I know all of that, Jake. That’s why I want to be with
you. That’s why I’ve made the decision to come and live with you.”

“Say that again. I need to hear that again.” His eyes
desperately search mine, determined to find the truth in them.

“I’ve never been more serious. For so many years I’ve been
waiting for a way out, longing for an escape I thought was impossible. I never
believed it could happen for me but then I met you. You saved me, Jake. You
saved me from a lifetime of misery, isolation and loneliness.  I want to
start our future together; I’m tired of missing you all of the time and I’m
tired of the heartache I feel when we’re apart. I don’t want to live in fear
anymore; I don’t want to have to savour every single second in case it might be
out last. I want to share my life with you; I don’t know what the hell I’ve
been waiting for.” I confess, feeling the incredible excitement building up
inside of me at the thought of creating a real life with Jake, of being part of
an adult relationship.

 “You’ve just made me the happiest man on earth; you
do know that, right?” He brings his forehead towards mine, there’s such an
unconditional expression of love in his eyes. It makes my whole body tingle.

“I know.” I whisper softly.

He brings his lips towards mine, kissing me with so much
fervour and euphoria, marking me as his. I confidently slide my tongue across
his bottom lip and nibble on it gently. He groans in response, his arms
encircle my waist as he pulls my body closer against his so that we’re chest to
chest.

“I only made love to you yesterday and I already need you so
badly.” He murmurs breathlessly, his grip tightening around my waist. It’s an
intentional and deliberate restraint; its sole purpose is to keep me firmly in
place and exactly where he wants me.

I realise that now I’ve agreed to this, there’s no turning
back. I really do belong to him. He breaks away from me, searching my eyes for
the permission he so ardently desires from me. I nod my head in agreement; I
really don’t have the strength to say no to him.

Jake effortlessly picks me up and carries me inside. His
lips devour my bare skin as he expertly trails them over mouth, jaw line and
neck. He hastily takes the stairs and taps my bedroom door open with his foot
before placing me down on the bed.

I hold my breath as he boldly tugs my T-shirt up and over my
head. His fingertips reverently glide across my stomach.

“What is it?” I ask.

“I still can’t believe our baby is in there.” He whispers
softly.

There’s so much love and adoration in his eyes, I could
weep for the pain he will feel if I decide I can’t do this. He continues to
undress me; an unspoken yet powerful longing consumes the air between us. As
soon as I’m naked, he confidently starts to remove his own clothing, he’s so
secure and at ease with himself, I’m almost jealous of the confidence he has. His
boxers are all that remain and I take a moment to fully appreciate and enjoy
what I have and what is mine.

He places his hands underneath my thighs and pulls me to
the edge of the bed so that my lower half is hanging over the side. He kneels
right down in front of me and gives me a sexy smile, causing my heart rate to
increase dramatically with anticipation. His smouldering eyes meet with my own
as his hands squeeze my thighs possessively. I moan loudly, delighting in the
knowledge that his fingerprints might leave a bruise.

I close my eyes and lay my head back on the bed; it’s
easier for me to be less self-conscious if I’m not watching his every move, I
can surrender myself to the amazing sensations that Jake bestows upon me
without being mortified with embarrassment.

“There’s no reason for you to be uncomfortable, baby.
You’re so fucking beautiful. I’m struggling to take my eyes off you.”

 I stop breathing for a second, it’s almost like he
has a direct line that enables him to read my thoughts. He knows me so well. He
pulls my naked body even closer towards him and I start to tremble as soon as I
feel his warm breath against the most sensitive part of myself. My body jerks
in response when I feel his tongue languidly slide across my skin. Of its own
accord, my body arches off the bed, desperately craving more of what I’m
experiencing. I try my hardest to remain still but it’s too difficult, I can
scarcely control myself. He’s pleasuring me in ways I never even thought were
possible.

My hands clutch the quilt beneath me whilst I writhe and
twist my body, intent on prolonging this exquisite feeling forever. I let go of
the rumpled quilt to run my fingers through his hair, wanting more of his
tongue and the unbelievable pleasure its showing me. I’m sure I’ll be covered
in fingerprints by tomorrow; he’s holding me so tight, as though he’s worried
I’ll get up and leave any second, like he’d love nothing more than to chain me
to the bed.

 His tongue plunges deep inside of me, eliciting a
bold and audacious moan from my throat. I circle my hips, craving more as my
hands tighten their hold in his hair, forcefully pulling him towards me and his
tongue even deeper inside. He groans deeply, a beautiful and masculine sound
which is enough to push me over the proverbial edge. My orgasm is intense; it’s
relentless, ongoing and powerful. It comes with so much force; I’m still
trembling long after the final wave of pleasure has left my body. I slowly open
my eyes and look down to see a satisfied grin playing around on Jake’s lips.