Always and Forever (63 page)

“You do and I’m sorry I made you suffer. I’m just… I’m
really messed up, Jake. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know how I’m going to
cope and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do!”

I really am close to losing it, pulling on my hair in
frustration as I try to deal with the crazy and mixed up emotions in my head.
I’m utterly exhausted; I hate myself for lying to my mum. I feel like this
house is suffocating me and I can feel my father’s merciless dictatorship and
control everywhere I go. I long for my freedom, I want to escape the oppression
I’ve become so accustomed to and the last thing in the world I want is to be
pregnant. I want to be with Jake but I’m not at all ready to move in with him,
all of it this is so fucked up, I don’t know if I can sink much lower, I’ve
already reached rock bottom.

“Bethany, calm down. Stop it or you’ll hurt yourself.” He
cautions me, attempting to disentangle my fingers from my own hair.

“Just go, Jake. You shouldn’t be here.” I wail.

“No, I won’t leave. You can say whatever the hell you want
to me and I still won’t go. I will never, ever leave you, Bethany. Don’t you
understand that? Do you not understand the depth of my feelings for you? The
truth is… I can’t let you go, even if I wanted to… I just don’t have the
strength to do it. You deserve to know the truth and that’s why I don’t care
how messed up this is. Bethany, you have to know that I’m unconditionally and
unreservedly in love with you. Every single thought I have consists of you. I’m
utterly obsessed, I’m addicted and I feel like I’m going crazy over the
intensity of my feelings for you. The need I have to be with you takes
precedence over everything else in my life; it can’t be rivalled by anything.
Being with you isn’t a choice; we’re not an option, Bethany. Don’t you
understand that? I’ve actually reached the stage where I know I wouldn’t even
be able to exist without you. My need for you is like oxygen, it’s not
something I can control or even try to explain. I can honestly say that I would
cease to exist without you in my life; I would sooner die than be separated
from you. You’ve taken over my mind, body and soul, all I think about is you.
You’re the centre of my universe, you’re all I can see and you know what?
That’s absolutely fine; it’s fine because you’re the only one I need. It’s you,
Bethany. It will always be you.”

We’re standing so close together, my heart is racing and
I’m beyond what you might call breathless. The intensity of his words leaves me
speechless, how on earth do I respond to something like that? He astounds me
with his absolute honesty and ability to wear his heart on his sleeve.

 “It will always be you, Jake.” I murmur, sighing
softly. I lean in towards him, breathing in the delicious masculine scent
radiating from him. This is the last place on earth we should do this but
rationality is not something I’m familiar with whenever I’m in the company of
Jake.

“Don’t.” Jake warns me.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t look at me like that. Not unless you’re willing to
take this further.” His eyes are ablaze with desire for me; burning fiercely
with a passion so potent, I can feel his desperation for me. He wants me more
than he ever has.

“What if I want to take this further?” I tempt him,
pressing my body up against his and running my finger tips down his muscular
chest.

I can feel his heart hammering violently underneath his
clothes; his jaw is clenched and his eyes are stormy. I’m almost reluctant to
engage myself with this version of Jake. Yes, he’s passionate, beautiful and
magnificently handsome but he’s also surrounded by this underlying darkness
that comes from deep within. There’s a danger lurking underneath him and I’m
starting to think I might have been a bit foolish to flirt with the unknown. It
could very well blow up in my face at any moment and I’ve taken it too far to
back down now.

Before another thought can enter my head, Jake takes the
decision from me. An aggressive growl escapes his lips as they come crashing
down against mine. He kisses me ferociously, stealing my breath away. I whimper
against his mouth, there’s no turning back from this now. Jake’s too close to
the edge, our obsession for one another is far too complex to be described. The
magnetic force between us is way too addictive to ignore. We’ve never stood a
chance trying to resist it; it’s greater than either one of us.

“You realise what you’re saying yes to?” He whispers
seductively, a complete contrast to the frantic way his hands are starting to
grab at my clothes, tearing them from me with a blatant hunger that forces my
knees to weaken. How the heck do I manage to elicit such an extraordinary
reaction from such a magnificent man?

“I know exactly what I’m saying yes to.” I arch my neck,
making it more available for him to trail his lips along my throat. I moan
loudly when his tongue glides down my neck, across my collarbone and underneath
my shirt.

“You’re agreeing to this? You’re saying it’s alright for me
to take you right here, right now. You’re saying yes to me fucking you down
here whilst your mum’s upstairs asleep and none the wiser?” His tone is
bordering on glacial. He sounds cold and detached; the only trace of emotion to
be heard is the intoxicating arousal in his voice.

 I realise its unorthodox. Angry sex is hardly the
best way to reconcile and sort out our problems. However, I also know it will
be what works for Jake. He is who he is and sometimes talking doesn’t seem to
do us much good. Heated discussions don’t always solve everything and even
though what we’re about to do is wrong on so many levels, this is who we are
and it’s what we do to one another. I know Jake and this is his way of taking
back the control felt he lost earlier when I didn’t respond to him. Asserting
himself in this manner is only way he knows and after the neglectful way I’ve
been treating him lately, I’m not about to stop him.

“I know what I’m saying yes to.”

I close my eyes, surrendering myself to the sensations
Jake’s evoking from me. We’re still standing in the dark kitchen; the only
sound besides our heavy breathing is the quiet ticking of the kitchen clock.
Mum could wake up at any moment; she could hear something or decide to come
downstairs for a glass of water and for us like this. The endless possibilities
keep on whirling around inside my head but none of them seem to have the
strength to convince me I should stop this. 

Jake pulls my T-shirt from me, throwing it onto the floor
without a second thought. He unclasps my bra and kneels down in front of me,
tugging my jeans down my legs with so much force I have no choice but to hold
onto his shoulders to keep my balance. I’m standing before him in my unfastened
bra and panties, trying not to let my discomfort and unease show. His eyes
travel up and down my half naked body, the hunger behind them makes me tremble
with longing for him.  

“You know what I love the most about this body?” He says
huskily.

“What’s that?” I ask him shakily, hardly able to breathe,
the anticipation of what he’s about to do is just too much to bear.

“I love that every single inch of you belongs to me. You’re
mine, Bethany. Don’t you ever forget that.”

Jake’s still fully clothed and it feels unusually erotic
and wanton of me to be standing here like this, so vulnerable and exposed.

“If I’m yours… why don’t you prove it?” I challenge him,
taken aback by my own brazen attitude. What am I doing trying to antagonize him
like this?

 His reaction is explosive; my panties are torn from
me in an instant, leaving my lower half completely exposed. His tongue comes
into contact with my most intimate place and I moan loudly, covering my mouth
with my hand as soon as I realise how loud my groan of pleasure actually was. I
curl my fingers in his hair, trying to pull him closer towards me and pushing
him away at the same time. I’m in an agonised state of pain and pleasure,
wanting more and yet not being able to take it.

“Stop trying to push me away, Bethany. If you’re really
mine you’re going to come for me right now and there’s not a thing you can do
to stop it.” He threatens me, a tantalising and tormenting.

I really don’t want to agree with him but who am I trying
to kid? We both know he’s right, I’m not about to put up a fight. I want this
as much as he does.

His tongue delves inside me hungrily, it’s as though he’s
been deprived of my taste for centuries and only now is he finally experiencing
his one taste of ecstasy.

“Jake, I can’t.” I pant, squirming uncontrollably. A part
of me is still at war with him, fighting against this inexplicable feeling him
and myself.

“More. I need more of you.” He growls in desperation,
lifting me onto the kitchen counter and spreading my legs open.

He takes a step back, admiring the audacious view before him.
I’m scorching hot underneath his intense, microscopic gaze, trying to close my
legs in an attempt to conceal myself. Jake’s hands grab my thighs, prising them
apart so he can settle his lips in between them again, determined to keep me
from being modest.

He sucks on my clitoris with so much vigour, his tongue
licking me up and down, swirling around and making my toes curl. I’m lost,
completely and utterly intoxicated with pleasure and sexual torment.
Eventually, my inhibitions leave me and I’m left grinding myself against his
tongue, seeking more of this spectacular splendour. I’m seconds away from
climaxing when he stops, wrenching his mouth away from my core.

“What… what are you doing? Why did you stop?” I moan
deliriously, my body is quivering with discomfort and need; my legs are shaking
with the pressure that it takes from keeping them wide apart.

“I get to decide how you come and tonight you only get to
come when I’m inside you.”

He’s taking such delight in this; he’s getting off on the
amount of control he’s wielding over me and my body, aware that my expectancy
and anticipation is almost torturous. He slowly unbuckles his belt and unzips
his own jeans, sliding them down his strongly toned thighs. I gasp, raking my
eyes over his incredible body, admiring every single part of him.

He’s inside me within seconds, driving into me over and
over again. He’s determined to make me come this way, begging me to squeeze him
tightly and take every single inch.

“God, Jake.” I say his name repeatedly, swinging on the
pendulum between indulgence and restraint, wanting to make this exquisite
feeling last forever.

“We might be interrupted if you don’t keep it down, baby.”
He warns me, resting his cheek against mine, the stubble on his jaw scratches
my smooth skin.

I lock my legs around him and squeeze him tightly, only
then does he relinquish his control and dominance over me. Now
I’m
the
one who decides when this happens. I’m the one who has the power.

 Jake and I come together; his hand covering my mouth
to smother my cries of pleasure. I gently bite him, sinking my teeth into his
palm and tasting the saltiness of his skin. My muscles contract around him,
milking every last drop of him. It’s only when we disentangle from one another
that I realise how sore and bruised my body is.

Jake hastily starts to get dressed, pulling up his jeans
and fastening his belt. He can hardly look at me, averting his gaze every time
I try to make eye contact.

“What’s wrong?” I ask him nervously.

“We shouldn’t have done that.” He mumbles quietly.

I stare at him incredulously. We shouldn’t have done that?
He tore my clothes from my body before placing me on the kitchen counter to
fuck me and now he’s saying we shouldn’t have done it.

“Why not? I thought it was what you wanted.” I say pathetically,
feeling so humiliated.

Why do I do this to myself? I give myself over to him so
easily, he must know all he has to do is click his fingers and I’m his. Is he
growing bored of me? Perhaps it’s no longer exciting for him. I’m so easy to
seduce, what if he desires more of a conquest?

“God, it is what I wanted, Bethany. That’s the whole point.
I wanted you so badly; my need for you is beyond anything I’ve ever experience.
It scares me and it’s too intense, I barely have any control around you and it
sickens me how weak I am. What we just did could have hurt the baby and I
didn’t even think about that at all, all I could think about was my need to be
inside you.”

I gaze at him sadly, hating the fact that he feels guilty.
Jake doesn’t seem to understand that I want him in exactly the same way. My own
hunger for him terrifies me; it’s frightening to know I’ve come to depend on
him so much. He’s worked his way right into my heart and I know there’s nothing
I can do to remove him from it. He’s the air I breathe, my one and only
lifeline and the love of my life all wrapped into one. The idea of this is
mouth-wateringly addictive.