Always and Forever (38 page)

“Of course I’m not, Jake. Why would I be?”

“I just thought… you seemed so relieved when you found out
I was clean, I thought you must be on the pill because you don’t seem to be
worried about…”

“About?” I prompt him.

As far as I’m concerned I have nothing else to worry about,
Jake’s always used protection before so what’s the problem?

Jake remains silent, he closes his eyes and rubs his
forehead as though he’s in pain.  Whatever he’s about to say, I’m not
going to like it

“Bethany, there’s still something we both need to be
worrying about.”

“What’s that?” I’m acting nonchalant but the uncontrollable
dread that accompanies anxiety starts to infiltrate its way inside my body.

“I don’t know how to say this. Baby, there’s a chance you
could be pregnant.”

I stare at him in shock. Fear and trepidation seizing hold
of my senses. Neither one of us says anything as we both let this horrifying
information sink in. I’m fully aware of the colossal mistake we just made and
there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.

“What did you just say?” I ask, shaking my head.

 I’m nowhere near ready to accept the reality of this
situation and the evidence of this can be heard in my voice. I even sound
afraid.

“I’m sorry to frighten you like this but we need to face
the fact that it’s a possibility. I can’t believe I’ve put you in this
situation. I’m such a fucking idiot!” He shouts, clenching his fists and
driving it straight into the pillow on the bed. I suppose anything’s better
than the wall he punched earlier.

“Jake, calm down.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so, so unbelievably sorry. It really
will be ok. No matter what happens, I’m here for you and I’m not going
anywhere.”

He walks over to me, tilting my chin up towards him and
searches my eyes for any doubt or uncertainty I might have about him abandoning
me.

“Jake, I need to go home.” I whisper, breaking away from
him and his penetrating gaze, the one that sees right through me.

“Baby girl, we need to talk about this.” He urges me,
lightly taking hold of my wrist.

“Jake, I’ve already been gone such a long time. I need to
get back before she really starts to worry about me.”

The truth is I need to get away from him. I want to go home
and I need to immerse myself in everything that’s familiar to me. I crave the
comfort of a hot bath, my pyjamas and my single bed.

“Why do you even need to go back, Bethany? Your father’s
not there, it’s the perfect opportunity for you to leave home without having to
face him.”

“What about my mum? I can’t just leave her.”

“Tell her the truth, tell her about me and that you’re
leaving. I’ll go with you and we’ll make her understand. Tell her what he did
to you or bring her with you, I don’t care what you decide but please don’t go
back there, I’m begging you.”

I close my eyes, not wanting to witness the pleading,
desperate countenance on his face. The internal battle I’m struggling with is
overpowering, my head and my heart are at war with one another and I have no
idea who I should listen to.

“You don’t know my father. If I leave home he’ll look for
me and he won’t give up, he’ll search for me until he finds me. My mum will be
the one who suffers, he’ll take his anger and frustration out on her and I
refuse to let that happen.”

“She’s not your responsibility, Bethany. There are people
out there who can help her; there are people she can talk to. We can go to the
police if we have to and get a restraining order. If I have to keep the both of
you safe then I will.”

He takes hold of my hands, interlacing our fingers. He’s so
resolute and determined, I don’t doubt for one second that he means everything
he’s says but how can I let him make such a sacrifice for me and my mum? It
wouldn’t be fair and I’m not about to do that to him. I know my monster of a
father. If he were to return home and find me gone then there’s nothing he
wouldn’t do to find me, he would hunt me down and he wouldn’t stop until I was
caught.

“I’m sorry, Jake. It’s not going to happen. My place is at
home with my mum, I have to protect her.”

“And who’s going to protect you?” He demands furiously.

“You will.” I answer simply.

“And how am I going to do that, Bethany? When I’m not there
to keep you safe from him how am I going to protect you?”

Wow, he’s really mad. I guess it goes to show you can only
push someone so far before they finally snap. I have to find a way of making
him feel ok with all of this.

“Because you now know the truth. You know where the
bookstore is, you have my number and you know where gran lives. You’ve even got
my address seeing as my gran saw fit to give it to you.” 

“And what’s to stop me from coming over to your house
anytime I want and taking you home with me?” He says threateningly.

“Because I hope that you love and care about me enough to
respect my wishes, to understand what I’m saying and where I’m coming from. I
hope that my opinion actually means something to you and I hope you realise
that the safety of my mum matters to me just as much as mine does to you.”

Jake sighs and closes his eyes, reluctantly admitting
defeat. He doesn’t like it but at least it appears as though he’s willing to
respect my wishes.

“I’m not happy about, Bethany. I hate it so much but I know
I can’t keep you against your will. I want you to be with me because it’s what
you want, not because I’m forcing you. I need you to know that I’m only
allowing you to go back home because I know he isn’t there. I don’t plan on you
being there when he returns.”

He narrows his eyes at me, revealing the true extent of his
decidedness.

“How can I agree to that?” I ask him.

“It’s what’s happening; I’m not asking you to agree to it.”
He growls stubbornly.

“I do have a say in what happens to me, Jake.” I argue,
determined to make him see reason.

“I’m doing this for you, Bethany. I’m not risking your safety
again, you managed to fool me once but it’s not happening a second time. I want
you to promise me that if he comes home before next week you will call me. I
won’t be responsible for my actions if he lays so much as one finger on you
again. If you don’t want me to go to jail then you have to tell me when he gets
back. I don’t care whether its day or night, you have to phone me. I don’t want
any more secrets between us, do you understand? If he so much as scowls at you
then I want to know about it.” He instructs me.

His fury has really escalated. He’s red in the face and so
enraged, the veins on his neck are protruding in anger.

“I promise.” I say calmly, attempting to pacify him.

“If one day goes by and I
don’t hear from you then I’m coming straight for you, whether your father is
there or not. I’ll kick your front door down if I have to.”

As we’re leaving I wonder whether I should put gran’s spare
door key back where it belongs or choose to keep it with me. In the end I
decide to put it back where I found it. The risk of it being found at home is
too great and I don’t know if my father will actually be away for a whole week,
he might decide to come back early.

After I’ve replaced the key, I make my way to the front of the
house and find Jake waiting for me. I notice he’s staring at his phone
intently, he’s completely absorbed with reading what’s on the screen and I
can’t help but wonder what’s captured his full attention.

“You’re awfully mysterious with that phone of yours.” I
joke, sneaking up behind him.

He startles, pocketing his phone before I get a chance to
see it.

“Bethany, I want to talk to you about something before you
go. It’s about what just happened between us, there is a morning after pill you
could take. I’ve heard there are some unpleasant side effects but the sooner
you take it the better, I think it has to be taken within seventy-two hours. If
you take it within a certain time period then there’s less chance of getting
pregnant.”

“What sort of side effects?” I ask, not liking the sound of
that at all.

“It’s not dangerous, usually sickness, nausea or
headaches.” He answers.

“Where would I be able to get it?”

“We could buy it from the pharmacy.”

How the hell does he know all of this stuff? If he’s never
had unprotected sex before then how does he know so much about the morning
after pill? I can’t imagine its something most guys generally know about.

“How come you know so much about this, Jake?” I enquire,
dreading the thought of him going through this with another girl before me.

“It’s not what you think. I have three sisters, they have
friends and girls talk. I also just researched it on the internet, that’s what
I was doing when you startled me.”

There’s so much truth and sincerity in his voice, I almost
feel guilty for doubting him.

“I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have questioned you like that.”

“Its fine, you have every right to know my past.” He
assures me, tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear.

“I’m really not concerned, Jake. I won’t be pregnant. It
was just one time.”

“It doesn’t really work like that, Bethany. Sometimes it
only needs to be once.”

 He remains worried and anxious. Something’s really
unsettled him, making me wonder if it’s something more than what we’re
discussing.

“Don’t worry, everything will be fine. I’m going to the
hospital to visit gran tomorrow so I won’t have time to go to the chemists.

“I don’t really like it; we really have to be careful from
now on. It all depends on what time of the month it is. Could you get pregnant
right now?” He asks me, his unease and apprehension still apparent.

“Jake, I am not discussing my menstrual cycle with you.” I
say firmly, unable to think of anything more embarrassing.

“Ok, ok. I just can’t afford to lose control like that
again around you. No matter how beautiful you are or how perfect you feel
wrapped around me.”

I press my body up against him, deliberately grazing my
lower lip with my teeth.

“Is that so?” I ask suggestively.

“God, yes. When I remember how exquisite you look without
any clothes on is making me want to do you all over again.” He says huskily,
trailing the length of my jaw with his lips

“So romantic.” I say sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

“Let me show you how romantic I can be.” He lowers his lips
towards mine, granting me one spectacular, memorable kiss.

I can’t help but sigh with
contentment. Right here with Jake is where I truly belong.

I make my way home as fast as I can, certain that mum will
be worried sick about me. I’ve been gone for hours and I can easily imagine her
going out of her mind with anxiety. I’m also really curious. I’m dying to know
if I look any different now that I’ve had sex. I haven’t had a chance to look
at myself in the mirror yet and I really want to see if I can spot any
differences in my appearance. I’m not expecting a huge neon sign announcing the
removal of my virginity; I just want to see if I can tell something has
changed. A life altering, monumental event took place this evening and it’s
hard to believe that my reflection won’t reveal any signs of the transition
that’s taken place.

I plan on going straight on upstairs when I get home. I
want to run myself a bath and I’m convinced that if I see my mum right now
she’ll somehow be able to sense a dramatic change within me. I still feel so
guilty when I’m around her. I hate all of the lying and I’m tired of all the
secrets and lies. I don’t want to deceive her. It’s exhausting for me to keep
up with all of the pretence.

I shout a quick hello to mum before hurrying on up the
stairs. I just can’t face her yet, I look way too suspicious and I really want
some time to be alone. As soon as I’m in the bathroom, I hastily rid myself of
all of my clothes. I take a look at myself in the mirror before me,
scrutinising my body and expression for any signs of maturity or womanhood.
It’s ridiculous but I do recognise a couple of subtle differences in my
appearance. My cheeks are flushed, my hair is even more wild and untamed than
usual and my green eyes have this indescribable sparkle to them which I’ve
never noticed before. It’s as though I have this natural, jubilant glow about
myself, a glow I never want to go away.

The rest of the night is tranquil and pleasant. It’s the
first time mum and I have had the house to ourselves and I make sure I
appreciate every single moment we have alone together. The two of us are more
relaxed with one another and less uneasy and tense. I find myself imagining
what it would be like all the time if my father weren’t here. I’m sure my life
would be so much happier. If you take away the darkness from your life then
there’s nowhere for the monsters to hide.

I go to sleep that night with
a great big smile on my face. Knowing that I’ll be able to see gran tomorrow
and that she’s really going to be alright makes me feel so much better than I
did earlier. I really can’t remember a time I felt so content or at peace with
myself and there’s one person I have to thank for all of that. Jake.