Almost Alive (21 page)

             
I wasn’t trying to really hit on Michael, but he was so relieved that he began to smile beautifully, and it was the most honest I had ever seen him.  “I’ve been obsessed with you ever since I met you.  I can’t get you out of my head, Michelle.  I don’t know if we can be anything, but I’d like to try.”

             
See, Michelle, all you had to do was wait for love, and here it is.

It was so simple
, and it was right in front of my face.  Now that it belonged to me, I couldn’t hesitate.  “I’d like that too.”

We kissed
, and it felt innocent and pure, but it was sensational and unknowingly greedy.  It couldn’t be satisfied with the brush of our lips or the collision of our tongues.  He wanted something else from me and what I needed was something deeper. 

I followed him to hi
s home that didn’t have one ounce of weirdness like Julian’s house.  It was gorgeous and sophisticated like mine.  His parents weren’t home, and we didn’t have any sort of disturbance when his strong arms lifted me up into his arms and carried me up to his bedroom.  He had a poster of a female wrestler on his wall, and I didn’t feel intimidated by his fantasy woman with the toned abs and enormous breasts.  I was confident in the fact that I could be whoever he needed me to be.  And though we were filled with lust and raging hormones, he had a gentle touch that possessed a kind spirit and a deep desire to be loved.  Every time his fingers stroked my skin, it was never with any malicious intent.  My soul didn’t leap when he looked into my eyes, but I felt safe and I felt dangerous, and I liked that I could feel both.

“Are you sure?” he muttered under what little breath he had.

This is exactly what you want.

“This is exactly what I want.” 

And I had my way with him without guilt, without shame, and without fear of Julian’s judgmental eyes ripping my soul into bite sized bits for my demon to devour.  I was free to be myself in my human nature.

I was about to drift off to sleep, but the soft lips of my lover pressing gently against my bare back awakened me.  I never thought I was very ticklish, but I had never had a man kiss me in such a manner.  The only other man I had sex with was a selfish lover.  He didn’t care if I
was ready, and he didn’t care if I were satisfied.  When it was all over, I went to the bathroom and cried silently to myself.  With Michael, I never wanted to leave.  I wanted him all over again. 

“That was probably the best sex I’ve ever had,” he said with a genuine smile.

“It was the best I’ve ever had too.”  I stared into his dreamy eyes for a while.  How could what I had done be evil when it made me feel so incredibly happy?  “Would I be asking too much to do that again?”

He laughed and pecked me on the lips.  “Do you still love Julian?”

I shrugged.  I really didn’t know what I was feeling anymore.  “I can’t think about him.  I keep thinking about how perfect this moment is.”

“It is quite perfect
, isn’t it?”  I don’t think Michael was trying to dupe me.  There was too much sincerity in his eyes.  How could he fake something like that?  “Would you like to come to my football game tomorrow night?”

“Sunday night?” I asked surprised.  “That’s unusual, don’t you think?”

“It’s a scrimmage match against another team out of the district.  Our coach was their coach’s friend and rival.  They think we can learn something from each other, but we think they’ve placed bets with each other.”

“And what’s in it for you guys?”

“They have a really impressive record.  If we beat them, we can get some scouts to come look us up.”

“Then this is good.”  I pecked him on his lips.  “I would love to go and support you.”

“Good.”  He started to blush the slightest bit.  “Maybe I can announce you as my official girlfriend.”

I was incredibly flattered that he would ask
, and I wanted to accept, but I didn’t know if it were right.  I still needed to work all of my feelings out with Julian before I got an official boyfriend.  “Let me think about it.”

He was disappointed, but managed out a little smile. 
“Okay.”

I rolled over and took a look at his alarm clock.  It
was going on ten.  “I hate to leave, but I don’t want to freak out my parents.  They have no idea where I am.”  They would assume I was with Julian, and that would bother them.  I’m sure if they had met Michael and knew that I was with him, they’d feel a little bit better about me screwing him. 

“Alright.”
  He had remorse about our agreement and wrapped his arms around my waist and began kissing my neck.  I giggled again, but I found the strength to fight him off.  “Go ahead, but don’t be a stranger.”

“I don’t plan on it.”  I gave him one final ki
ss before I got dressed.  His parents were gone for the weekend, so I didn’t have to deal with an awkward conversation when I snuck out of the house.  All and all, it was a really fantastic night.

“It sure was.”

I felt an awful pain in my gut and started hunching over.  I held my stomach and gritted my teeth as I tried to block out the pain.  I figured it had to be cramps, but it was too soon.  Then the pain was too severe.  It felt like something was clawing at my stomach and I could hardly breathe.  I stumbled to my car and collapsed in the backseat.  My entire body started trembling, and the pain increased up to my chest.  I broke out into a sweat and screamed into the seat to muffle the sound, but I didn’t care how much noise I was making once I felt myself burning from the inside. 

I don’t know how long it lasted, but I was paralyzed from the pain and sobbed in my car for
at least an hour.  I was drained and terrified.  It was clear to me what had happened.  I was caught up in my emotions and completely forgot about the consequences. 

When I gained enough strength, I pulled my phone out of my purse and scrolled to find Julian’s number.  I stared at it for a while, but I didn’t want to hear him scream at me fo
r acting like a complete fool.  I didn’t want him to scold me.  I needed solutions.  I needed the demon out of me.

The next morning, I prepared myself to meet Julian
before he went to church.  I was still running late, and I didn’t catch him until he was pulling out of the driveway.  I ran and beat on the trunk of the car, and it came to an abrupt stop.  Julian put the car in park and got out screaming at me about how much of an idiot I was being, but I didn’t care.

“Julian, you have to listen me!”

“I could have hurt you, Michelle—”

“I messed up!”  It was so hard to get up and get dressed, but I did it anyway.  I pushed through all of my pain and torment
, and it was going to be worth it in the end.  I was determined!

He clenched his jaw, already pissed off. 
“What did you do?”

“After you rejected me
…I had sex with Michael.”  My bottom lip started quivering, and my sweaty palms started to shake.  I didn’t want him to think any less of me.  I didn’t think there’d be any expectations left to work with.  “Are you mad?”

He breathed deeply into the palms of his hands.  I thought he was prepping to yell at me, but he was stayed remarkably calm. 
“No.   I shouldn’t have left you alone.  I knew you were bound to do something stupid.”

“I didn’t give you much of a choice.”
  I couldn’t believe I was such a fool.  I was going to be patient and do the right thing before Maria came over and touched me.  It was like they were working together!

“
The demon ate your soul?”

“
Yeah.”  The admittance of such a thing caused a bucket of viciously cold fear to be dumped over my head and I started shaking. “It hasn’t said anything since then, though.  I think it’s curious to see what I’m gonna do next.”

Julian grabbed me in order to keep me
still.  “You’re gonna go to church with me and actually listen to what I tell you from now on.”

I
nodded a few times quickly.  “I understand, but we’re not going to church today.”

He cocked his brow. 
“We’re not?”

“No.
  I’ve been researching all night long, and I think I’ve finally found someone who can put an end to my suffering.”  I smiled and laughed hysterically.  “I found an exorcist!”

I expected Julian to share some of my joy, but I was instead met with way too much skepticism. 
“Like a Catholic exorcist?”

“No!”  I had seen enough scary movies not to want to go that route.
  “She’s like sixty, and she’s from a southern Pentecostal church.  She lives three hours from here.”

“So
, you want to go on a road trip?”  Julian sighed heavily and folded his arms.  “How do you know this will even work?”

“I found an eB
ook about demons and it mentioned a woman named Cynthia Fields.  She was taught voodoo as a child and then she became possessed.  The demon drove her to try and kill herself, so she went to a tent revival one night and the demon was cast out of her.  Then she started a little church and started helping free other people.”

“And how do you know where she lives?”

“I couldn’t find her address, so I looked up her family history on one of those ancestry sights.  I found her granddaughter and looked her up, and one of her statuses was something about taking care of her grandmother while she was sick and…”  I was being a loser, desperate stalker.  I hadn’t thought about how crazy I sounded until I saw Julian’s face as I explained it all.  But what other options did I have?  “Julian, I know it’s a long shot, but I have to see her.  She could be my only chance.”

I need
ed him to have faith with me.  I needed him to hug me and tell me that we would see Cynthia, and she would make me free.  He might not have been obligated as a boyfriend to say all of that mushy stuff, but he was my mentor.  I needed him to have enough decency to give a little bit of something to hold onto! 

“I understand that you need this and I wanna help give you hope
…”  He was going to smash my dreams into tiny pieces.  I could see it in his eyes.  “Get in my car.”  He wasn’t optimistic.  He was just too chicken to shatter me.

“We can take mine.  The address is already in the GPS.  I’ve got coffee and snacks.  I bought the gas.
”  I knew I sounded pathetic again, so I laughed nervously at myself.  “I’m ready to get my life back.”

Julian really didn’t believe, but I think he needed something to hold onto as well. 
“Okay.”

I let him drive and silently climbed into the passenger’s seat.  I didn’t want to talk about my mistake with Michael.  I knew Julian was thinking about it
, and that was bad enough.  I would worry about the consequences of my actions if Cynthia couldn’t help me. 

Julian felt guilty about missing church and popped in a CD of the bible.  He was even so kind to make sure to start in Genesis so I wouldn’t be lost.  It was hard to really focus and take it all in, but I did my best to let the monotone voice soothe my jacked up mind. 

Eventually, Julian turned off the volume and looked right at me with a ton of compassion, which meant he was gonna say something that I didn’t wanna hear anyway.  “I don’t wanna get your hopes up and then have everything crash back on you, Michelle, but—”

“I understand that this is a wild goose chase.
”  I turned away from him.  I got that he was trying to be nice, but I didn’t need that.  I needed him to be completely delusional, because I had enough doubts already.  “That whole book that I bought could be a fake, but I have to take this risk.  There’s a chunk of my soul gone. I can’t lose any more of myself!”

“I’ll do my best to m
ake sure that doesn’t happen!”  I could sense that he felt he was doing a crappy job watching over me.  It wasn’t exactly his fault.  I was stubborn and difficult to work with.  He was doing his best to take care of me.  “Get some sleep.”

“I can’t sleep.”

“You look exhausted.  Were you awake all night?” 

I didn’t answer, because he was right and I was wiped out.

“Go to sleep.  I swear I will wake you when we get to our destination.”

I sighed and reached in the back for a blanket and a pillow.  I was not joking about coming prepared.  As much as it pained me to do it, I snuggled up in my chair.  I knew that I wouldn’t get one peep of sleep, but I wanted to put Julian’s mind at ease. 
“Thank you for this, Julian.  Thank you for everything.”

             
Julian tapped his fingers on the steering wheel and clenched his jaw as he struggled to say something to me.  He wanted me to sleep, but he broke within a manner of seconds.  “If this woman can free you and me, will you still fight the demons?”

I honestly only tried to think about it when he brought it up. 
“I don’t want to.  I never did.”  I saw his miserable puppy eyes, and I felt like a jerk.  “I’m just not cut out for that type of stuff.  I wish you would quit too.”

             
“I can’t.”  Julian had a look to him when he talked about his mission.  There was an instant passion—a calling if you will.  I was envious that he had something in his life that gave him a reason to live and breathe.  He was driven, and whether or not he drove himself into the ground or to the graves of his enemies, I didn’t know.  It was just nice that he had something.  “I made a promise to someone that if they lost their soul, I would destroy them.”

             
“Your mentor?”

             
“And I’ve been searching for him ever since.”

             
I felt awful.  I had fantasized about convincing Julian to drop his war and follow me to Rome or Tokyo—anywhere exciting and different. We could be happy and safe.  Now that I knew he was preparing himself to destroy his mentor, I knew I could never come in between his goals.  “And you would kill him?”

             
He looked me right in the eye and pleaded.  It was the most important thing he had ever required of me, and I suspected that he would hate me forever if I disagreed.  It was a matter of honor and respect.  “I would want the same from you.”

             
I took a deep breath and turned to face the window.  I didn’t want to tell him that I was too chicken to go through with it.  Besides, Julian would never lose himself.  He was too disciplined and restrained.  He wasn’t at all like I had become.

             
“You don’t have to worry, Julian.”

             
He wasn’t satisfied and grabbed my shoulder until I would look him in the eye.  “Promise me you’ll do what you have to if the time ever came.”

             
If the time would ever come, I knew I wouldn’t be able to stare into his beautiful eyes and tell myself that he was a monster, because I would only be able to remember how I felt about him right then and there.  Maybe I formed a bond with Julian out of desperation, but it didn’t mean that it wasn’t real or that it wasn’t right.  It was truth and wasn’t that supposed to set us free?