All the Things I Didn't See (12 page)

The afternoon sun was warm, but there was a cool breeze coming off the water, so they were both comfortable. “God, Josh, this is so good!” Sam’s eyes closed in bliss after the first spoonful of soup.

 

“Glad you like it.”

 

“I mean everything. The house, the food, the fresh air. It’s fantastic.”

 

It was nice to see Sam so animated. When he was happy, his whole face lit up—and it was beautiful. “I know what you mean. Most of the sandwiches I ate in the cafeteria tasted like the plastic they were wrapped in.”

Sam laughed. “At least you had sandwiches. Intravenous feedings really aren’t all that tasty. And that bland diet afterward was horrible!”

Sam didn’t eat a whole lot, but that was to be expected. They were warned that it would take a while for his appetite to return.

When they were done, Josh cleaned up while Sam stretched his legs, gingerly walking along the wraparound deck until he came upon a porch swing near the French doors leading back into Josh’s parents’ bedroom.

He went to sit just as Josh was coming out after clearing the dishes away.
“Hold on, let me help. That thing tends to move a little quickly, and I’m betting falling on your ass would hurt a lot.”
Sam’s eyes widened at the possibility. Ouch!
Josh loped over and helped him sit before easing down beside him. They swung in silence for a while, Josh moving them easily with one foot as he took Sam’s hand in what was becoming a very familiar gesture.
Josh studied Sam’s hand, smoothing his long, elegant fingers over Sam’s shorter ones. It was amazing how comforting just touching Sam’s hand was. It seemed to draw the tension right out of him.
“What’s up, Josh? I know you have something on your mind. I can tell.”
Josh sighed and looked up. His eyes met Sam’s, and he knew it was time to talk.
“I think I’m ready to tell you about my nightmares.”

Chapter 11
“I
T STARTS
out the same way every time. We’re coming out of

The Bookmark and Reynolds walks up.” Josh’s voice was soft and shaky. Sam wanted to tell him to stop but knew he needed to get it out.

“I knew then, Sam, there was something wrong with him. I could see it in his eyes when he looked at you. But when he looked at me he seemed friendly, maybe a little eager… but not so different from most of the fans we meet.”

The memories were making Josh’s stomach churn. “But when he started talking, it all fell into place. He was crazy. But even then, I didn’t really believe he wanted to hurt anyone. I mean… who’d want to hurt you? And it wasn’t you he wanted to hurt, it was Connor, and that was even more foreign to me.”

Josh looked up at Sam, confusion and guilt clearly evident in his eyes.
“Do you know how many letters I get from people who believe that Philip isn’t good enough for Connor or think that Philip is emotionally abusing him?” A wry smile crossed Josh’s expression. “I get them almost every day. I don’t play Philip ‘gay’ enough. Philip doesn’t deserve to have Connor love him. The fans for this show started out as ‘Connor Kane’ fans and most of them graciously embraced me… but not all of them.”

“I’m so sorry, Josh. You shouldn’t have to deal with that crap.” Sam just sat there, letting Josh hold his hand and take whatever comfort he could from it.

Josh shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. That part doesn’t bother me. Just goes to show that we’re striking a nerve, and for the most part, it’s a good thing. I guess I was just really surprised to find that there was a fan who felt the total opposite of what I was used to.”

He looked back down at their tangled fingers before speaking again.

“But this wasn’t a good thing. And I know how it all went, and I can remember the tiniest detail… but in my dreams it all goes so differently.”

Josh gave a shaky laugh before continuing.

“I see you falling and I catch you… but then it all changes from the way it really was. The cop misses, and Reynolds keeps shooting you over and over as you lie in my arms, and I can’t get out from under you to stop him!”

Josh’s breath stuttered as he relived the nightmare, and it hurt Sam worse than any bullet ever could.

“And then you look at me.” Josh rubbed at the corner of his eyes with the back of his hands. “And tell me it’s all my fault. I watch the light die in your eyes… and then you’re gone, and I never get to tell you….” His voice faded as he snapped back to the present.

“You didn’t get to tell me what, Josh?” Sam begged quietly.
Those haunted blue eyes came up and locked with Sam’s hazel ones. “I can’t.” It was a broken whisper.
Sam’s hand clenched around Josh’s fingers. “Please….”
“That… I love you. I’m so sorry that I didn’t figure it out before all this shit happened.” His voice was raw, like it’d been scraped over broken glass. He looked away from Sam, not brave enough to see his reaction to Josh’s confession.
What did he just say? He loves me? No, no… it’s not possible… is it?
Sam knew he should say something, but of all the things that had happened to him in the past six days, this was the one that totally fried his brain.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s not fair to put this on you so soon after….” Josh started to pull away, wanting to give Sam some space. “Don’t worry, I don’t expect anything. I’m still gonna take care of you like I promised….”
“Stop!” Josh starting to move away jolted Sam out of his reverie. “That’s it? You tell me you love me and you leave without letting me say anything?”
“What? No, I’m not leaving… just… going….” Josh stood frozen. “Why, what do you want to say?” Josh sounded so nervous that Sam couldn’t help but smile.
“Well, first of all, I need to clarify something.” Sam thought he had this figured out, but he needed to be sure. “When you say ‘love’ do you mean ‘I love you like a best friend’ love? Or the ‘I love you and want to wake up beside you every morning’ love?” Sam looked at Josh. “Because last time I checked… you were straight.”
“Yeah, I thought of that too,” said Josh, riding a rollercoaster of emotions. “But I’m pretty sure that the fact that I want to learn how to suck your dick means something different.”
Sam nodded thoughtfully. “So… the second one, then.” He looked up at Josh, head tilted adorably. “But are you sure this isn’t some ‘Sam saved my life and I owe him’ complex?”
Josh nodded. “I’m sure. I think this has been churning for a while. The shooting just brought everything into focus for me.” He slid back down beside Sam, being careful not to jostle the swing too much. “Your dad was right. I should have waited until you were stronger to tell you.”
“I’m strong enough for this, trust—” Sam stopped abruptly as what Josh had said just registered. “Wait! My dad knows? You told my dad?”
“Um… yes? Well, sort of. I’m sorry?”
Shit shit shit
. This wasn’t going anything like he had planned.
Sam laughed out loud; he couldn’t help it. “Don’t be sorry, you big jerk… unless you don’t mean it?”

Josh looked slightly offended. “Of course I mean it. You know I don’t say things I don’t mean.”

 

Sam took Josh’s hand again. “I know. I just need you to be sure.”

“Why?” Josh held his breath. So much hinged on Sam’s response.
“Because I’m in love with you too, Einstein.”
“You are?” Later, Josh would be embarrassed about the squeak that seemed to take over his voice.
“Uh-huh.” Sam knew he was blushing. “I have been for a while.”
Josh’s hand came up to curl around the curve of Sam’s jaw. He could feel the throb of Sam’s pulse under his fingers, how it sped up under his touch. It made him feel like his heart would burst with everything he had been keeping inside.
“It wasn’t like these feelings just hit me out of nowhere.” Josh’s voice was full of wonder. “I just knew wherever I was, whatever I was doing, it was better with you there.” His thumb stroked the soft skin of Sam’s cheek. “At work, when we went out, it was like I had radar or something. I knew when you were there and it made things easier somehow.”
Sam’s hand came up to cradle Josh’s to his face. “I know. It was the same for me. Sometimes I felt so guilty.” He closed his eyes and nuzzled into Josh’s touch.
Josh smiled at the affection before asking, “Why? You didn’t do anything.”
“But you were with Stephanie and I had Evan. I have to admit, my heart had been wavering for a while before I found out that he’d cheated. After that, there was no doubt at all.”
“Is that why you let him stay?” Josh moved a little closer, mindful of Sam’s sensitive chest.
Sam nodded, looking down to avoid Josh’s eyes. “I needed to keep a barrier between us. I didn’t want you to do anything out of pity or obligation.”
Josh gently lifted Sam’s chin. “I love you, Sam. It has nothing to do with pity, or because I have to.” He smiled shyly. “Okay, maybe I do have to.”

Sam tried to pull back, but Josh held fast.

“I have to love you, because you’re smart… and funny… and you have such a kind heart.” He leaned in to press a kiss to Sam’s temple. “And because you are so fucking beautiful, it makes it hard for me to breathe. When you’re around, you’re all I see.”

“Wow. You’ve got Philip beat all to hell when it comes to expressing your feelings.” Sam couldn’t stop looking at Josh’s face, like he kept expecting him to disappear. He also looked exhausted.

“Come on, Sam. I think you need to get some rest. We can talk more about this later.”
“Wait. Before I go to sleep and wake up to discover this was all a dream, could you do something for me? Seeing as how I have this limited mobility issue and all.” Sam’s eyes were wide and earnest.
Josh chuckled. “That isn’t gonna happen, but sure… whatever you need.”
“Kiss me… please?” Sam’s voice sounded so unsure it made Josh’s heart stutter.

“I could do that.” Josh got up on one knee, bracing one foot on the porch floor so he could lean in without putting any weight on Sam.

The first soft brush of Josh’s warm lips against Sam’s made him gasp. Josh took it as an invitation to deepen the kiss. Sam’s mouth tasted like the strawberries and coffee they’d had for dessert.

The hand on Sam’s cheek gently slid to curve around the back of his skull, carefully angling his head so that Josh could slip his tongue into Sam’s mouth and taste every bit of it. Sam’s hand grasped Josh’s wrist, holding on in the only way he could at the moment.

All the times they’d kissed as Connor and Philip, and this was nothing like any of them. This was soft but firm and everything a first kiss should be… it was absolutely perfect.

Josh made a low moan in the back of his throat, and Sam smiled, breaking the kiss.
He struggled to get his breath under control as he took in the slightly dazed expression on Josh’s face. The fact that he was the one to put it there made something warm and decidedly fuzzy grow in his stomach.
“Jesus Christ, Kelly. You had to decide to declare your undying love for me when I’m too incapacitated to tackle you to the ground and kiss you all over.”
Josh’s grin was blinding. “Well, you know, they say timing is everything.” He stood up and carefully helped Sam to his feet. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”
“You think I’m that easy, Josh?” Sam shuffled carefully into the bedroom, smirking the whole way.
Josh snorted. “Since when has anything about you ever been easy, Peterson?” He walked beside Sam, trying not to crowd him. “Um, you need to hit the head before you lie down?”
“Yeah, thanks.” Sam nodded. “And I’m very easy to get along with, I’ll have you know.”

Smiling like a loon, Josh steered him to the bathroom door. “I’ll be right here if you need me.” He leaned in and kissed the corner of Sam’s mouth softly.

When Sam was done in the bathroom, Josh helped settle him into bed, removing his sandals and sweatpants, and knelt beside it. “Need anything else?”

Sam yawned. “Yeah, a shower.” Sponge baths had long since lost their appeal.
“The therapist will be here tomorrow, and it’s at the top of the list, okay?” Josh carded his fingers through Sam’s hair. “Anything else?”
“Hmm. Will you lie down with me… just until I fall asleep?”
Josh chuckled. “Now you think I’m easy, huh?”
He got up and made himself comfortable on the other side of the bed. He curled into Sam’s side, holding his hand in both of his and gingerly resting his head on Sam’s shoulder.
“Is this okay?” Josh’s voice was quiet and laced with contentment.
Sam nodded sleepily. “It’s perfect.” He shifted a little, trying to get comfortable. “I hate sleeping on my back.”
Josh stroked Sam’s arm. “I know. How many times have you fallen asleep on the couch practically on top of me?” He snuffled into Sam’s hair. “It’s not forever. You’ll be back to sprawling out all over the bed in no time.”
They lay in comfortable silence, breaths syncing as Sam faded off to sleep. Josh watched him for a while before slipping out of bed and padding off to the living room.
Once there, he grabbed his cell phone and placed a call.
“Hey, Paul, how’s it going?”
“Okay, how about you?”
“I’m okay. Listen, are you still coming out tomorrow?”
“Yeah. I’ll be there on the two o’clock ferry from Brooklyn.”
“Good. Have you picked up Sam’s clothes and those books he wanted for here?”
“Yep. And me and the rest of the guys are going to move his furniture and stuff into storage next week.”
“Thanks, buddy. We owe you one.”
“Make it a cold one and we’re good. So, when are you and Wonder Boy coming back to work?”
Josh shrugged. “Not sure. We’ve both got the next three weeks off, for sure. Barker’s not real happy about it, but too bad. After that, I’ll probably have to come in and shoot a few scenes. Sam isn’t doing anything until the doc clears him.”
“Well, I hope that’s sooner rather than later. It’s boring as hell around there without you guys.” He was being funny, but there was an underlying note of sincerity too.
“Good to know we’re missed.” Josh glanced at the kitchen, seeing the mess from lunch still lingering on the counters and table. “I gotta go, dude. Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, me too. Hey, tell Sam I’ve got a surprise for him when I get there, okay?”

“This is a good surprise, right? I don’t think he’s up for a bad one.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’ll love it. And it might even be good for him.”
“Okay. And thanks again, Paul… for everything.”

“No problem, Josh. See you tomorrow. Bye!”
“See ya, Paul!”
Josh closed his phone and set it on the table. There