A Sadness Within (3 page)

It was a small neighborhood, shaped in an L and consisting of about fifteen houses. Our house stood back from the road where it looked down at a cul-de-sac.  When my father sold the property off, he sold some of the existing outbuildings as well. I could see that many of them were still standing. What once housed the foxes, now stored garden hoses and wheelbarrows or the occasional car. They looked out of place next to the newer houses. I crept around the old barns, taking in their scent and trying to remember how things used to be. The neighborhood was quiet, with only the sound of crickets accompanying me on my self-guided tour.

The air only slightly calmed my nerves. I couldn’t seem to shake my restlessness no matter how much I walked. I was about ready to give up and head back home, when I caught the scent of something unusual. The metallic scent of blood filled the air around me and it made me wonder if I wasn’t alone. Sadness and despair seemed to drape around me in a thick blanket. The disease loved all blood, but seemed to be most attracted to the blood of those who felt sad and desperate. I guess it didn’t make me as heartless as everyone thought. I chose to fill my need from those who were void of hope, perhaps a reflection of who I was.

The fragrance was unusually strong, and again I wondered if someone was lurking about. A quick glance around revealed nothing and I felt assured that I was alone. I passed by the old slaughter house, which now served as an outdoor shed and I wondered if I wasn’t picking up on the old blood that at one time had soaked through the floor and into the surrounding soil. But that blood was old, and after passing the slaughter house, the scent was still there. My promise to my father lingered in my mind, but suddenly I needed to know where the scent was coming from. I continued to the end of the cul-de-sac anyway, telling myself the whole time that if it were someone, I wasn’t going to do anything.  I simply wanted to see what was drawing me in. Could I really stop myself?

It was dark, other than a solitary light coming from the front window of a house to my left. The light spilled out into the blackness of the front lawn. Puzzled, I crept closer to the window, wondering if this was the source of my intrigue. I had to see what or who it was, unsure of what I would do next. I was sure of one thing; I had never experienced a need this strong before. Slowly, I peered in the window and that’s when I saw her. A girl was sitting on a bench, her auburn hair cascading over her shoulders in beautiful waves, accentuating an oval face. She squinted closely at something, which wrinkled her brow. My eyes followed her slender hand, as she raised it up to grab the chewed-up pencil from her mouth. She wrote something quickly and placed the pencil back between her full lips, cocking her head slightly. I had never seen anything or anyone I wanted more. The sadness I had sensed disappeared, and instead, I was filled with pure happiness. It was like the scent of fresh grass after a rainstorm, or an open field of lavender, or fresh cut roses. It was clearly coming from the girl, who seemed to be everything all in one.
 

That’s when the most fascinating sounds came from her fingertips. I had been so distracted that I didn’t even notice that she was sitting at a piano. Long-fingered hands flew over the keys in perfect arches. They pressed down delicately on the ivory, her thin wrists arching gracefully. And then the melody. The music vibrated through my skin, through my bones, and deep into the emptiness that was once my soul. In my hundred plus years, I had never seen or heard anything this perfect. It was as if she was playing just for me. I felt the notes radiating into the hollow spot in my chest, and there was no longer any trace of the despair that had drawn me to her.
 The need I had felt all these years was gone, and my body was filled with something new.

I staggered from the window, my back slamming against a nearby tree, confused by this turn of events. How could I have been so drawn to this one person? I had felt the darkness moments earlier, but then when the music started, there was passion unlike anything I had ever experienced. She fascinated me. I knew that I would not hurt her.
Could not hurt her
. How could I harm someone so captivating?

My confusion was strong and I forgot who or where I was for a moment. I got clumsy and stepped on a twig outside her window. She looked up, peering out into the darkness just as I melted into the shadows, hoping that she hadn’t seen me. She walked close to the window, peering out into the night. Only then could I see her eyes. They were a bright jade green, edged with a rich caramel and they were peering into my soul. I was startled by what I saw. There was turmoil and sadness hidden deep, but there was also something different. I didn’t have time to figure it out before she turned from the window, turned off the light, and disappeared in the dark house.

Staring at the empty window for a moment, I registered the encounter in my mind, realizing this girl had left me shaken. I could still hear the melody long after she had stopped playing and the air was still redolent.  It was at that moment I felt that maybe there was another need that existed within me. A need for more than just blood. I knew I needed
her
. Somehow, it was as if my empty soul depended on it. I turned and glared out into the night, more restless than before. With confusion mounting, I did the only thing I knew to do. I ran.

“Where have you been all
night?” my father asked accusingly, as I was quietly closing the door. So much for sneaking back in. “Did you go into town? Did anything happen? I knew I should have made your sister go with you.”

His tone implied that he didn’t think that I was actually keeping my promise. No, I had not done anything that stupid, although it had been almost dawn when I returned. My mind had been shaken, and I had stayed out all night walking, just trying to make sense of it all. After I left the girl’s house, the pain and the need for blood returned, as did the confusion which fought with the new aching sensation I felt, frustrating me even more. How quickly I had gone from the numbness I felt in Chicago to the turbulence that engulfed me here.

“No,” I sneered, irritated. I was quick to anger when my father accused me in this way. “I was just out.” My temper felt shorter than usual, and it bothered me that my father seemed unaware that my mind was a blur right now.

“I am not just thinking of me,” he bellowed back, unaffected by my snarling. “Do you think this life is easy for your sister? I am trying to give her as much normalcy and I can. Can’t you think of someone other than yourself for once, Will?”

The force of his words hit me hard, and I blinked, stumbling back stunned. It was selfish, wasn’t it? Wanting something more. I thought of the girl standing at the window and did indeed want more.

“I know, I am sorry,” I stammered, my anger leaving as quickly as it came. “Nothing happened, no one saw me. I just walked.” I looked up into his concerned eyes and nearly choked on my own pain, causing me to pause. “I think I just need some time alone. I will be upstairs for a while,” I said, as I scrambled up toward my room. What was happening to me?

I suppose my father deserved to know about my encounter, but I was still too shaken. I felt strange, like I wasn’t myself. For many years, all I had thought about was blood and hurt and for the first time, it wasn’t the only thing on my mind. I certainly had some thinking to do. Seeing the girl, hearing her play stirred things in me that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. I couldn’t make sense of this new longing. I didn’t know what it was and for once in my life, I was not sure what to do. I lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling. I sighed loudly and squeezed my eyelids closed. I could still see her and hear the sweet melody playing in my mind. Eventually, I drifted off to sleep, still ruminating about the mystery girl and her song.

I
listened for my brother
to come back but fell asleep sometime in the quiet hours of night. Thank god tomorrow was Saturday and I wouldn’t have to get up early. Or so I thought. I woke to the sound of feuding voices downstairs. The light of dawn was slowly trickling through the windows, and it was clear that my father was arguing with Will about something. Quietly, I crept to the top of the stairs to try to hear better.

“I think I just need some time alone…” my brother’s voice finished, and I heard him heading in my direction. I scrambled back down the hallway and within a second, I was back behind my own closed door, hopefully undetected by either one.

It wasn’t unusual for my father and brother to fight. They often fought when Will was home, although rarely in front of me. They tended to be slightly overprotective and treat me as if I were still six. When I was around, they’d pretend things were fine. Neither one of them would try to understand the other’s point of view. I wished they would. I wanted my brother home again.

As much as I wanted to go to Will and see what was going on, I knew that it would only annoy him at this point. He clearly needed his space and I would grant him that. Instead, I just messed around in my room, listening to music, finishing my homework, and reading a little. After a while, I couldn’t stand it anymore and decided to find out was going on. I knew where every floor board creaked and carefully avoided the worst. My hand was poised over the door to knock when I hesitated. Breathing in the familiar smell of oak, I sighed deeply and rapped the door slightly. 

“What.” His voice sounded muffled as if he was smothering it.

“Can I come in?” I called out softly.

“I guess.” A slightly inviting response, I suppose. “Can’t a guy get some sleep around here?” he mumbled.

I entered Will’s room tentatively and walked over to sit on the edge of his bed where he was still lounging. He sat up and smiled, pretending everything was fine and trying to hide the fact that he looked awful. His skin was pale and the purple crescents under his eyes only drew attention to the wild look deep in them. He looked like a startled animal. Unease was not something I was used to seeing from him.

“What’s up? How’s school?” He asked, leaning over to muss my hair as if I was still ten. I ducked out of the way, but not before his fingers caught in my curls.

“School’s great. We talked about that yesterday, remember?” I answered, rolling my eyes. Small talk was not why I had come in here, so I hastily changed the subject. “Hey, you look like hell. You really should drink or something. What’s up with you?”

“Cee, I’m sure that people will warm up to you eventually,” he said ignoring my insult and leaning back against the headboard, with his hands behind his head.

“Gee, thanks. That’s very comforting. And you still haven’t answered my question.” He wasn’t going to escape my questions that easily.

“Seriously, what’s going on? You were fine, and then you went out all night and I heard you fighting with father this morning. Not to mention the fact that you’ve been holed up in here for hours. Is everything okay? I mean, I know that you don’t love being here, but usually you’re at least a
little
social with me.” I stared intently at him, trying to show him how serious I was. I could sense a darkness rolling off him in waves, but it was happening so quickly that I couldn’t decipher anything. Reading people is something that I’ve always been good at, especially when it came to my brother.  He could never hide a thing from me. “You just aren’t yourself. I mean, you just seem… I don’t know, murky. What happened?” I prodded again.

“Nothing, it’s just…” His words faded off as he lay back down and rolled over, turning his back to me before continuing. “Celia, you have been acting like a human far longer than I have.”

I smiled. It was going to be
that
kind of conversation. Well, at least he was talking.

“I don’t act like a human, Will. We live in a human world and I don’t like to think of myself as being so different. Besides, technically, we
are
still humans. Just humans with an incurable disease that requires ingesting blood to survive and grants us an unnaturally long life.” I tried the joking approach, but Will didn’t even crack a smile.

“Come on Cee, that’s not what I mean. I’m talking about really being human. Do you remember what it was like to have human feelings?”

I continued to scan his face, but his features were still unreadable and I couldn’t tell where this was going.

“Yes. I mean, I still get angry and happy. I miss you when you’re gone too long. I don’t think I feel them as intensely, but I do feel them,” It was a cruel part of immortality. Our senses may be heightened, but our ability to truly feel has almost disappeared. 

I wondered where he was going with this. I was no stranger to odd conversations with my brother, but he had never talked this candidly with me about our affliction, and I couldn’t help but wonder what it meant.

“When I was out last night I saw a girl,” he finally said, looking at his hands, and I immediately thought the worst. I could feel my eyes widen at the thought of him killing someone innocent. He sensed where my mind was going.

“I didn’t kill her. What is it with you two! I didn’t even touch her. I only saw her from a distance,” he quickly assured me. “Actually, that’s not entirely true. I went out for some air, to get away from the whole
happy family
vibe, when I was hit with the most intoxicating scent. It was full of so much pain, sadness, and despair. I followed it, curious, and it led me to a nearby house. This girl was sitting at a piano. I could feel the disease aching for the taste of her blood. It wanted it so bad.
I
wanted it so bad. I wanted it worse than anything I have ever wanted before. Then the strangest thing happened. She started playing a melody and everything I had thought I wanted before disappeared, and in its place, something new. Something strange. She was no longer full of gloom and loss, but of hope and longing. I stayed and listened to her play, and when she was done, I just couldn’t get that feeling out of my mind. I have never changed my mind this quickly about anything. One minute I wanted to appease the disease and the next minute, I was filled with something different. I just can’t explain it.” He turned to look out the window and my eyes followed to the lake. I could see the waves in the distance lazily crashing on the shore.

I turned and studied his profile carefully, trying to read him for the truth. He stared innocently as if in deep concentration. A frown played at his lips, but his eyes, which were wild before, were bright and calm. The confusion on his face explained the barrage of energy I was getting from him.

“So you didn’t… hurt her?” My voice was hesitant. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to trust him.

“No, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. The craving was gone and was replaced with something new. My chest hurt, but not like the need for blood where your muscles feel fatigued. It was like a heaviness constricted me and I couldn’t breathe. Even now, I can still feel it,” he said sadly and for the first time, I could really see how conflicted he really was.

“Do you think you are actually
feeling
something? I mean, is that why you were asking me about human emotions?” I asked tentatively, already forming a hypothesis in my head.

“I don’t know. Maybe. I guess I don’t know what to think anymore.” He shrugged off my question nonchalantly.

“Will, you aren’t as awful as you think, you know.” He always had such low opinion of himself, refusing to believe that he could ever be good. “I mean, you do still come back here once in a while, and there are times I still see the old you. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. It isn’t impossible for you to be feeling.” I stopped to see if there was a reaction before I continued. “I think you’ve been away from human life for such a long time that you don’t recognize it. Whatever this girl did, she stirred up something in you. Perhaps, what you’re feeling is loneliness.”

He gave me a look of disbelief, but I could also register relief rolling off of him.

“Lonely?” he quipped and our brother/sister moment was gone. “But I live with a bunch of guys. Plus I have you,” he answered sarcastically. There he was again, the Will that he had become. The one that only cared about himself. The one I didn’t quite trust. The one that let the disease take over. Still, something inside of me wanted to keep hoping, especially considering the sliver of innocence he just revealed. I would never give up on him, which is why I kept pushing.

“Well yes, but even humans can feel lonely despite the fact that they have families. It’s different. I don’t know how to explain it, as it’s something I scarcely remember myself. Maybe even immortals can want more.” I paused before continuing hoping my words would sink in and finally reach him. “Perhaps this life isn’t supposed to be all about blood and disease. I think maybe you want more.”

He began laughing and I looked down at my hands, suddenly annoyed with his reaction.

“I think you’ve been hanging around humans for too long,” he suggested, while he rolled out of bed and began pulling clothes out of a giant duffle bag.

“I don’t think that’s very funny, Will,” I said quietly, working hard to control the annoyance that was welling inside me. “I was only trying to help.” Sometimes he can be so frustrating. If it weren’t for the fact that he was my big brother, I would have just left him there on his own. Screw trying to help. But, of course, he was my brother, and I felt someone needed to help him.

Will looked back at me, and the laughter on his face instantly disappeared.

“I’m sorry, Cee. I really would like your help. Maybe you could help me figure out who this mystery girl is and then I can go from there,” he continued.

I stood for a moment, contemplating. If only I could say no. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself to walk away just like he had done to me many times before, I never seemed able to do it. He was looking at me intently, the softness returning to his face, and it was evident that he really wanted this, and there was no way I could turn my back.

“Fine,” I sighed, giving in, “but you need to fill me in on everything.  And quit trying to be to be so damn tough.”

He explained again in detail, the events that had happened again, and included a description of the girl and the house this time. I knew that house, and I knew that girl. Her name was Julia Cavallo, and she was my English teacher. I didn’t know very much about her because she was new and young enough to frequently be mistaken for a student. It was common knowledge that she lived alone in the house down the road and that there had been some horrible tragedy in her past. I didn’t concern myself with gossip, so I never bothered to learn what it was. She kept to herself and didn’t seem to be a bother to anyone.  

“What are you thinking about, Will. You won’t hurt her, will you?” This new Will was something that would take a bit of getting used to. While my brother hid things around me, I wasn’t an idiot and knew that he wasn’t always the best at self-control.

“No, no, of course not! I gave my word. And to tell you the truth, maybe I am a little tired of that,” he said, although I wondered how truthful his words really were; I was still a fledgling in my attempt at trusting him. “I just want to know more about her so that I can figure this thing out.”

“Okay, good. Because she really is nice, though she is a little sad.”

Will pulled on a clean t-shirt and a pair of pants over his boxers as I looked away.

“Do you think that I could get a job in the school or something?” His expression was quizzical yet held a hint of trouble, and I suddenly realized that he didn’t mean any of this. I had been right to hesitate. Was this all just a game to him? Did he really want to be there to be closer to her or would he just cause trouble. He said that he would behave, but I still wasn’t positive that he could be trusted around so many humans. It had all just been a lie!

“What?” I yelled out. “You want to work at my high school? You really are unbelievable. Here I thought that things were going to be different, and you wouldn’t try to ruin things again. You tell me all about this girl, and I thought that just maybe, you were coming back to me. To think you almost had me convinced to help you.” I stood up and stormed toward the door, but before I could get there, he was in front of me with an iron grip on my shoulders, silver-grey eyes peering into mine.