Mrs. Lizzy Is Dizzy!

1
The Lockdown!

2
Crazy Week

3
Crazy-Hair Day

4
An Important Life Skill

5
Crazy-Clothes Day

6
Crazy-Hat Day

7
Crazy-Shoes Day

8
Crazy-Everything Day

9
Every Week Is Crazy Week

Screwball World of My Weird School!

About the Author and the Illustrator

Credits

Copyright

About the Publisher

My name is A.J. and I hate school.

It was Friday, one of my favorite days of the week. Do you know why Friday is one of my favorite days? Because the next day is Saturday. And then comes Sunday. And on Saturday and Sunday there’s no school.

Yay!

My teacher is Mr. Granite. He’s from another planet, but he’s always talking about
our
environment.

“Always recycle your plastic bottles,” Mr. Granite told us. “Because plastic bottles can be made into plastic lawn furniture. And plastic lawn furniture can be made back into plastic bottles. And plastic bottles and plastic lawn furniture can be made into plastic cup holders, so you can relax and drink from a plastic bottle while you’re sitting on your plastic lawn furniture. And plastic…”

Mr. Granite didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence because at that very
moment the school secretary, Mrs. Patty, made an announcement over the loudspeaker.

“Attention,” she said, “Dr. Emer is in the building.”

“Dr. Emer is in the building!” shouted Michael, who never ties his shoes.

“Dr. Emer is in the building!” shouted Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.

“Dr. Emer is in the building!” shouted Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.

“Dr. Emer is in the building!” shouted Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair who I hate.

Everybody was freaking out!

“Who’s Dr. Emer?” I asked.

“‘Emer’ is short for ‘emergency,’ Arlo!” said Andrea. (She calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it.) “You probably weren’t paying attention when they told us about Dr. Emer.”

“I wasn’t paying attention to your
face
,” I told Andrea.

“It’s a lockdown, A.J.!” said Ryan. “That’s what it means when they announce that Dr. Emer is in the building.”

Oh, yeah! Now I remember. Lockdowns are cool. Just in case a bad guy ever breaks into the school, we have to lock our classroom door, turn off the lights, sit on the
floor in the corner, and stay really quiet until the lockdown is over.
*

We all rushed over to the corner. Mr. Granite locked the door. He made us sit boy-girl-boy-girl so we wouldn’t talk to each other. I had to sit next to Andrea Young. Ugh, disgusting!

“Everyone stay calm,” said Mr. Granite.

We all sat without talking for like a million hundred seconds.

“Can we whisper now?” I finally asked.

“Okay,” Mr. Granite said, “but quietly.”

“I heard on TV that a crazy person
escaped from the loony bin last week,” I whispered.

“Really?” whispered Emily, who is Andrea’s crybaby friend.

“You shouldn’t say ‘crazy person,’ Arlo,” whispered Andrea. “My mother is a psychologist. She told me we should say ‘psychotic.’”

“Maybe the psycho who escaped from the loony bin is inside our school right
now
!” said Michael.

“Maybe it’s a
zombie
psycho,” said Ryan.

“Maybe it’s a zombie
cannibal
psycho,” said Neil.

“Maybe it’s a zombie cannibal psycho who eats kids for breakfast!” I said.

“Shhhhhhhhhhh!”
said Mr. Granite.

“Stop trying to scare Emily,” whispered Andrea.

Emily is such a scaredy-cat. I bet she would have run out of the room if we weren’t in the middle of a lockdown.

“We’re all going to die,” I whispered.

“I’m scared!” said Emily.

“Me too,” somebody else said.

Sheesh, get a grip! It’s just a lockdown.

“I have an idea,” said Mr. Granite. “Let’s hold hands. It will help calm us down. Everyone take the hand of the person sitting next to you.”

Andrea looked at me.

“Hold my hand, Arlo,” she said.

“No way,” I said. “I’m not holding your hand.”

“You
have
to,” Andrea told me. “Mr. Granite said so.”

I looked at Mr. Granite. He gave me one of those teacher looks.

I held Andrea’s hand. Ugh, gross!

“Oooooh!”
Ryan whispered. “A.J. and Andrea are holding hands. They must be in
love
!”

“When are you gonna get married?” whispered Michael.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
said Mr. Granite.

Andrea kept looking at me and smiling.

“If we were married, Arlo, we would hold hands like this all the time,” she told
me. “Holding hands is so
romantic
.”

“If we were married,” I said, “I would jump off a bridge.”

“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

“You’re mean, Arlo!”

I had to hold hands with Andrea in the dark for a million hundred minutes. I thought I was gonna die.

And then suddenly, the door unlocked.

And then the doorknob turned.

“It’s the crazy person who escaped from the loony bin!” whispered Ryan. Everybody was freaking out.

And you’ll never believe who walked through the door at that moment.

Nobody. It’s impossible to walk through
a door! Doors are made of wood. If we could walk through wood, they wouldn’t bother putting up doors.

But you’ll never believe who walked through the
doorway
.

I’m not gonna tell you.

Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.

The person who walked through the doorway was Officer Spence, our school security guard!

Officer Spence acts like he’s a real policeman. But security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns or beat up bad guys or do anything cool.

“It’s all clear,” Officer Spence announced. “The lockdown is over.”

“Yay!” everybody shouted.

“Thank you, Officer Spence,” said Mr. Granite.

“Just doing my duty, sir.”

We all giggled because Officer Spence said the word “duty,” which sounds just like “doody.” It’s okay to say “duty” in school, but you’re not allowed to say “doody.” Grown-ups get really mad. Nobody knows why.

“Did they find the crazy person who
escaped from the loony bin?” I asked Officer Spence.

“No,” he replied. “That person is still at large.”

“If they didn’t find him, how do they know how big he is?” I asked.

Andrea rolled her eyes.

“At large means ‘
missing
,’ Arlo!” she said.

“Your
face
is missing,” I told Andrea.

“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

“Don’t worry,” Officer Spence told us. “I’ve got my eyes open.”

I hope so. It would be weird to walk around trying to find crazy people with your eyes closed. You’d bump into stuff.
Officer Spence makes no sense.

Mr. Granite went back to teaching us about recycling plastic, but a few minutes later there was a knock on the door.

“Who is it
now
?” Mr. Granite looked annoyed.

It was our principal, Mr. Klutz, and our vice principal, Mrs. Jafee. Mr. Klutz has no hair at all. I mean none. But when he poked his head in the doorway, he was wearing a long blond wig! Mrs. Jafee had one on too. It was hilarious.

“To what do we owe the pleasure of your company?”
*
asked Mr. Granite. “And
what’s with the crazy hair?”

“Next week will be Crazy Week at Ella Mentry School,” announced Mr. Klutz. “Monday will be Crazy-Hair Day, so everybody should come to school with crazy hair. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

“Yes!” said all the girls.

“No!” said all the boys.

“And Tuesday will be Crazy-Clothes Day,” said Mrs. Jafee. “Everybody should dress up crazy, you betcha!”

“Wednesday will be Crazy-Hat Day,” said Mr. Klutz.

“Thursday will be Crazy-Shoes Day,” said Mrs. Jafee. “And Friday will be Crazy-
Everything
Day!”

“We’ll send a note home for your parents in your backpacks,” said Mr. Klutz.
*
“But we wanted you kids to get excited about Crazy Week at Ella Mentry School.”

“It’s going to be one crazy week, by golly!” said Mrs. Jafee.

Like our school wasn’t crazy enough
already
!