A Measure of Love (22 page)

Riley’s brows met gently above his nose. “Lex. I’ll call you every day.”

She smiled despite the ache in her chest. “And you’ll come back, right?”

He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her close, kissing her so softly, Lexie’s heart could barely take it. “If you still want me. I’ll always come back to you.”

“I’ll always want you.”

It was the absolute truth, and four months later when Lexie, along with Riley’s family, took him to the airport to catch his flight to London, she told him the same thing again. He hugged her tight and whispered his love in her ear, pushing the tears Lexie had tried so desperately to hide from him away with his fingertips. Watching him leave, even though she’d told him to do it, was one of the hardest things Lexie had ever had to do.

And it only got harder.

They spoke on the phone as often as they could, but the differences in time zones and schedules were a pain in the ass. Lexie had begun an online course in business management with part of the money her father’s life insurance had paid out, wanting to keep her mind busy and train in something she knew would help her family in the long term. Her mom had only gone back to part-time work, unable to cope with more, and Savannah was still in high school, leaving Lexie the chief breadwinner of the house. She worked a nine-hour shift and then logged on to her course, sometimes falling asleep at her computer or on the phone with Riley when he managed to get through or when she took his calls.

She knew he was frustrated with her and her fluctuating moods, and she didn’t blame him. She was so tired and so lost, and because she missed him so damned much, she’d begun to snap when he asked about her course or what she’d been doing with her time. What the hell answer did he expect? He was off seeing the world, enjoying every moment, and she was doing the same shit every day, wearing herself out and spreading herself too thin. The meds her doctor had put her on didn’t seem to be working, either. They’d lift her for a time until the black cape began to choke her again, tighter and more acute than before.

In fairness, Riley had the patience of a saint, seemingly understanding her need to vent her anger and dissatisfaction with everything around her, which ironically only made Lexie more unpleasant. She knew without doubt he didn’t deserve her sharp tongue, especially with him being so far away from home, away from his friends, family, and her, but she was just so damned scared that she was going to lose him when he realized what was out in the world waiting to be discovered. She couldn’t blame him for any of it. She’d told him to go, for God’s sake. She couldn’t be mad that he was doing something with his life. He deserved everything coming to him.

Besides, if he hadn’t been in London, he would have been in New York, and . . .
Jesus!

Lexie threw herself down onto her bed and stared up at the ceiling, trying her best to calm down and stop overthinking everything. She was waiting for Riley’s call. It was a Thursday night and he always called. It had become their routine and it should have made her feel excited and happy and, of course, hearing his voice filled the empty spaces in her to a degree, but it also reminded her of what she didn’t have.

She didn’t have Riley next to her, she didn’t have the future she’d dreamed of since she was a little girl, and she didn’t have her father. Even with it being over a year since his death, the wounds of his absence were still achingly raw, and it hurt. It hurt so much. If Riley didn’t come back, if he decided that he wanted other things and she lost him, too . . .

She wiped at the tears that formed as the words, which had started as a whisper when Riley first left but were now a flat-out yell, marched through her mind:
You’re not good enough, Lex. You’re not good enough for him. He deserves more. He deserves better. Let him go before he leaves you first.

The phone rang, making her jump. She closed her eyes for a brief moment, pressed the answer button, and lifted the phone to her ear. “Hey.”

“Hey, beautiful. How are you?”

Lexie smiled, allowing his sounds to fill her hollowness. “I’m okay. Tired. How’re you?”

“I’m good. It’s been a good day. I miss you.”

Emotion collected in her throat. “I miss you, too.”

“What’s wrong?”

Lexie cursed her shaking voice and pressed a hand to her forehead. “Nothing. I’m okay. Tell me about your day.”

And he did. He waxed lyrical about how amazing London was, how the company he was working for was pleased with his progress, and how the family he was staying with had introduced him to black pudding. It sounded gross as hell, but Riley assured her it was good. He sounded so happy, so beautiful and content, pulling Lexie deeper into her own head. She looked over at her bedroom bulletin board, upon which were hundreds of photographs of her and Riley from the age of eight. There were their prom pictures, he so gorgeous in his tux, she smiling and proud at his side. Her father had taken that picture. She remembered it as though it was yesterday.

“Lex?”

“Hmm?”

“You didn’t hear a word I just said, did you?” The smile in his voice was wary.

“Sorry, I was just thinking.”

“About what?”

Lexie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Us.”

The phone buzzed with dead air for a long time. Lexie counted at least seven heartbeats. “And what do you think?” he asked finally.

Lexie’s mind began to fire relentlessly:
I think I’m terrified of losing you. I’m terrified of losing myself. I think I’d die if you didn’t want me, but I think you deserve more. I think I need to let you go before you hurt me.

“Lex?” he sighed. “Baby, you’re scaring me. I know you haven’t been yourself . . . I know this year has been really hard for you, but I feel like I’m losing you.” Lexie cupped a hand to her mouth to capture the sob that threatened. “Am I?” he asked, his voice small. “Am I losing you, Lex?”

Her answer was as honest as she could make it. “I can’t do this anymore.”

·   ·   ·

Lexie and Noah were standing at the entrance of the public pool, both of them blond and tanned in the blazing sunshine. Riley allowed himself a couple of moments, before he approached, to watch them, astounded by how beautiful they both were. Lexie leaned down and kissed Noah’s head, while he looked up at her chattering away, which Riley was learning he did a lot.

If it hadn’t been for the obvious physical characteristics they shared, Riley would have questioned whether Noah was his—he was such a smart kid. Even spending such a short amount of time with him, it was obvious. Lexie was right: he was observant as hell, even remembering Riley telling him about his Batman socks. He smiled, unable to stop himself.

Seeing Lexie with Noah when she was oblivious to being watched warmed his very soul. Despite everything, it was so obvious what an amazing mom she was. Noah gazed up at her listening to every word, and she smiled and touched him more often than
she was perhaps aware of. The role of mommy seemed so natural for her. And why wouldn’t it? She’d always been tactile and loving, but this, this was something else, something deeper.

The heat of Riley’s adoration was briefly diluted with a profound sadness when, once again, he permitted himself to think about how things between the two of them could have been so very different. He wondered fleetingly about what her pregnancy had been like, whether she’d craved peculiar things at three o’clock in the morning and whether she’d had morning sickness. Then he’d thought about how her labor might have been, how painful, and who had been with her. It was missing those precious moments of the beginning of Noah’s life that hurt Riley almost as much as his missing his son’s first step, first tooth, and first birthday.

“Fuck it,” he muttered when Lexie noticed him across the street. There was nothing he could do about any of it now, and, honestly, seeing the two smiling faces of his son and his childhood sweetheart made the hurt of the past just about bearable.

“Hey, guys,” he said as he drew closer. “Are we ready to swim?”

“I am! I am!” Noah shouted, jumping up and down. Noah pointed to his shorts. “I gots Batman!” Riley curled over an inch of the waistband on his khakis and Noah’s eyes grew. “Yous has Batman shorts, too?”

“Only the best, kid.” Riley held out his hand and Noah slapped it hard. Lexie laughed, pulling Riley’s attention. “No Sav?”

Lexie shook her head. “Just us today.” She pulled her bag farther up her arm. “That okay?”

Riley tried not to think about how happy that news made him. It wasn’t that he disliked Savannah, far from it, but having Lexie and Noah to himself for the day sounded awesome. “It’s great.”

“We swims now, Mommy?”

“Yes.” Lexie clapped. “We swim!”

“Yay! Come on, Riley!”

Riley’s heart all but burst from his chest when Noah’s small hand grabbed his.
Jesus.
He looked down at the little boy as he pulled Riley toward the payment booth with more enthusiasm than he’d ever seen. Lexie appeared just as shocked as Riley did as she watched from his side, but the smile that teased her lips calmed Riley enough that he squeezed Noah’s hand, holding on to him tightly.

The pool was busy, but thank God, Lexie had had the foresight to reserve two loungers. They settled their towels, placing their bags underneath them, and Riley proceeded to pull off his T-shirt and khakis. He pretended that he didn’t notice Lexie’s eyes on him, but the trail of hot lust and memories they left as they traveled over his chest was too fucking delicious. Their stares met and his stomach clenched. With Noah on the lounger, smothered in sunscreen and playing with his goggles, she lifted her vest top over her head.

The red bikini top underneath it was perfect. It hugged her in all the right ways, showing off enough of what Riley remembered of her body that his mouth was suddenly a little dry. And sweet mother of God, the ink on her torso was fucking incredible and all but screamed for Riley’s tongue to trace every line of it.

His eyes desperately wanted to slip down her and watch the shorts she wore fall to the ground, but, with the will of a titan, he turned away to push his stuff into his bag.
Fuck me.
Would it ever get easier? Would his body ever stop wanting hers? He would guess not, but the least she could do was to help make it painless for him. When he gathered himself and turned back, he moaned.

“Jesus,” he grunted, rubbing a palm over his mouth.

“What?”

“You’re not playing fair. Not fair at all.”

“How can you say that,” she retorted incredulously, “standing there looking the way you do?”

Riley looked down at himself and his black Batman shorts, unable to see what she meant. “What?”

Lexie’s nose wrinkled as she laughed. She turned back to Noah, removing her glasses as she did. “You ready, buddy?”

“Yes!” He took her hand and the three of them made their way to the pool’s edge.

Without preamble, Riley ran and cannonballed into the water, hearing Noah’s squeals of excitement and approval when he broke the surface. Riley held out his arms and encouraged Noah to jump, which he did, like a rocket, straight into them, trusting Riley implicitly, without question.

When Riley thought back over the moments in his life that he would cherish, he wasn’t afraid to admit that Lexie would feature in most of them—their first night together being a surefire number-one hit. Yet, having his son in his arms as Noah laughed and played in the water, or while Noah held on to Riley’s neck and rode on his back like a horse, obliterated them all. This moment, right here, was what he would cherish most for the rest of his life. Even as he chased Noah around the pool, dodging other swimmers and lifting him, throwing him up and catching him, Riley knew that no other memory would come close to this one.

After a good ninety minutes of play in the water, Lexie sat Noah on the lounger and wrapped him in a towel in the shade. He sipped happily from a juice box and nibbled on some fruit she retrieved from her bag. Riley sat on his lounger, watching him and smiling every few minutes. It was strange how simply looking at his son could prompt that reaction. Lexie returned from the poolside bar with two beers in plastic pint cups. Riley took his with a grateful hum and Lexie sat on the lounger at Noah’s feet. She murmured and cooed in the little boy’s ear, making him giggle before she left him alone.

Riley tipped his drink toward hers and she tapped the side of the plastic with her own. “Cheers.”

Riley nodded. “It’s been a good day.”

Lexie wound her finger through the condensation on her beer cup. “It has.”

Riley raised his hand and pointed to the scar he’d noticed earlier, visible just above her bikini bottoms. “You have a C-section?”

Lexie looked down at herself. “Yeah.” She patted Noah’s foot. “This little guy was breech.”

“I was upsides downs,” Noah added, without looking up from the small Yoda figurine he was playing with and feeding apple slices to.

“And the doctors didn’t want to leave him too long,” Lexie continued. “So they decided a section was the way to go.”

Riley glanced to his beer, then back at Lexie. “Who was with you?”

“Mom. And Sav.” At least she looked apologetic, but Riley’s heart stung regardless. Lexie pressed her lips together and sighed. “Riley, in my mind, I made the right decision for me then. Now? I hate that I took that moment away from you. Truly. And I’d give anything to be able to turn the clock back.”

Riley looked out to the pool, watching a young couple hug and kiss in the water.

He knew Lexie was waiting for the fight, the argument, the demanding of answers, but he really didn’t want to get into it in front of Noah. He sure as shit
would
be insisting on her explaining why she didn’t try harder to get in contact at a later date, but sitting in the sun on a cloudless day with the sensation of Noah’s hand still burning his palm, Riley was content enough to let it go.