A Measure of Love (18 page)

“Yes,” Lexie retorted, her timidity vanishing before his eyes, “I did. Every damned day I thought about it, wanting so badly to tell you, wondering what you’d say when I told you, how you’d feel, all the while scared to death that you’d just walk away from us, from me, just like you’ve done for years.”

Riley almost staggered back, struck dumb by her words and the heat behind them. “
Walked away?
Are you fucking serious right now or are you genuinely not hearing yourself?”

“I can hear just fine.”

“Then let me tell you something.” He took a giant step toward her. “The only time I ever walked away from you was when you told me to. The only time you asked me to stay away, I listened. I did what
you
asked, so don’t you fucking dare throw that back in my face when the last time I saw you, you begged me to leave and never come back.”

The fire fizzled and simmered behind her glasses in the blue of Lexie’s eyes, before she blinked it away. “When do you
ever
listen to me?” she asked with a shake of her head, looking across the park at Noah.

“It killed me to stay away,” Riley admitted toward his feet before he glared at her. “Don’t ever make it sound like it was my choice or that it was easy.”

Lexie dipped her chin minutely, seemingly contrite. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” Riley turned, standing at her side, watching Savannah and Noah run around the slide. Lexie took a deep breath. “I was so damned scared, Riley. You have no idea. I knew it would change everything, but then when I heard you’d been sent to
prison
and for
that
long, I had no idea what to do. I was angry with you.” She looked up at him. “How could you have been so stupid?” Riley tried not to show how much her words stung or the shame that still slithered through him. “Of course I wanted to call you when you were released,” she continued. “I did, but I didn’t know how you’d be after time inside, whether you were even the same person. I mean, the Riley I knew wouldn’t have even
thought
about breaking the law. I didn’t know who you were. I wasn’t about to invite a stranger into our lives. Then the days passed and, before I knew it, Noah was a year old, walking and talking. We came back here and I opened my business. I created this perfect bubble for Noah and me.
We’re happy; my store is successful and . . . I didn’t know what bringing you into it would do. Every time before has been a nightmare and I have a good life here, Riley.
Noah
and I have a good life here. I won’t let anything change that.” She paused, her words settling around them like dead leaves. “I want to do what’s best for my son.”

“Having his father around would have been the best thing,” Riley remarked, his shame turning to irritation. “Surely you of all people understand that.”

Lexie’s chin snapped to him. “That’s not fair.”

“Fair?” Riley scoffed. “What’s not fair is that you’ve seen Noah grow. You were there for all the things I’ve missed. Sure, I was in Kill those first eight months after he was born, but I would have been here after that. Whatever happened between us is nothing compared to how much I hate that you denied me that.”

Lexie was quiet for a beat, her expression pained. “I was afraid. I thought I was protecting my son. To you it might sound stupid and selfish, and having you back here now, maybe it is. But that’s all I have.”

Riley shook his head. “I’m still me, Lex. Doing time didn’t change that.”

They stood then for a few hushed moments, watching their blond-haired boy as he laughed and giggled and waved when he caught them both watching. As livid as Riley was with Lexie, he couldn’t deny the smile that Noah brought to his face. “He looks like me.”

Lexie huffed good-humoredly. “Right? My genes didn’t stand a chance. It’s eerie sometimes. When he looks at me a certain way, I see so much of the little boy I remember.” She crossed her arms and hugged herself. “It makes me realize how much I’ve missed you.”

Riley sighed, the heat of his temper weakening with her confession.
“I’ve missed you, too, Lex. I always have. But this isn’t about us, it’s about Noah, and I want to get to know him.”

Lexie nodded. “Of course. He’s your son. You have every right to, but I have to know what your plans are.”

Riley turned to face her again. “Plans?”

Lexie pushed her bangs to the side. “Look, Riley, seeing you again brings back so much for me. It’s nice, but it also scares me to death. We’ve done this so many times, you and me: you come back, you stay for a while, then everything goes wrong and you leave again.” She held up a hand when he opened his mouth to argue. “And that’s fine. I can deal with that. It’s our thing and has been for years. But I won’t deal with you doing the same to Noah. I will not stand by and let you get to know him, for him to fall in love with you, and then for you to take off and leave me to pick up the pieces.”

“I live in New York, Lex. I have a life there, a job. I’ll have to go back eventually.”

“Yes, I understand that. But if you want to be a part of Noah’s life, you can’t leave years in between visits.”

Hurt, Riley pulled his shades deliberately from his face, looking Lexie square in the eye. “Is this my fault?”

Lexie frowned. “Is what your fault?”

“The fact that you think so little of me.”

Lexie’s expression softened, her gaze nervous as it roamed his face. “No,” she answered carefully. “No . . . I don’t think so little of you, Riley. I just— I don’t want Noah to get hurt.”

“I would never do that.”

“I know.” Lexie looked away, toeing the ground as she did. “I know. I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry. For everything.”

Seeing her struggle, Riley reached out and took Lexie’s wrist, pulling it gently from against her body. He wrapped his hand over hers and squeezed. Admittedly, she looked surprised, but she didn’t
pull away. He tried to ignore the fizz and crackle of her skin against his. “I never wanted us to be . . . like this.”

Her chin trembled. “Me, too. I shouldn’t have— I should have trusted you. You deserve better from me.”

Riley blinked in surprise at her words. “We’ll get there,” he said, releasing her.

She noticed the tape on his fingers. “What did you do to your hand?”

He shrugged. “Acted like a moron.”

“Nothing changes.”

Riley cocked an eyebrow in amusement. The tension between them didn’t disappear entirely but seemed to lift, allowing them to breathe as they looked at one another. With relief, Riley realized they’d cleared some of the air that had clouded them both for far too long, but he still had to ask the question that had been plaguing him since he’d learned of Noah’s existence. “Tell me something.”

“Okay.”

“If I weren’t here right now, would you ever have told me? Honestly.”

Lexie exhaled but held his gaze. “Yes, I would have. My plan was to tell you before he started school.”

Riley watched her carefully. “And would you?”

She nodded. “He needs his father, Riley.” As hard as he looked, Riley couldn’t see an ounce of dishonesty. “Would you like to officially meet your son?”

Riley’s pulse spiked. “Um . . . yeah.”

Lexie’s smile grew. “You’ll be fine.”

Riley wiped his hands on the ass of his shorts. “What do I say to him? I mean, do I tell him that I’m . . .”

Lexie seemed to consider this for a moment. “Look, Noah is a bright kid. He’s observant, but we haven’t really had the daddy
conversation yet. So how about you’re just Riley for now and we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

Instead of feeling disappointment, the panic in Riley lessened. He wasn’t sure he was ready to be “Daddy” just yet, as amazing a privilege as that was. He was happy just to take it a day at a time. “Fine.”

They set off across the park toward Noah and Savannah. Noah, with arms out wide making plane engine sounds with his mouth, ran toward them. “Mommy, looks at me, I’m a fighting jet!”

“That’s awesome,” Lexie said with a laugh, reaching out to grab him as he ran past. He dodged her, giggling as he did. “You’re so fast!”

Riley nodded toward Lexie’s sister. “Hey, Sav.”

She smiled back, apparently relieved that Riley and Lexie were both still in one piece. “Good to see you, Riley. Is Seb home?”

Lexie clicked her tongue. “Behave.”

Riley watched Noah, captivated. The pride of seeing his son play happily sparked fiercely within him. It was unbelievable to think that this little person was a part of him. Noah existed because of Riley, because of him and Lexie. “It’s incredible,” he murmured, not meaning for anyone to hear. He startled a little when Lexie’s hand squeezed his forearm.

“Hey, Noah, come and say hello to Riley,” Lexie called.

Noah spun around in a circle and charged toward them. “The Disney man?”

Riley chuckled at the sound of the boy’s lisp. It might have been the cutest thing he’d ever heard. “That’s right. The Disney man.” Noah came closer, but he didn’t stop moving, still shooting and flying in his imaginary plane game. Riley dropped onto his haunches, not wanting to tower over him. “How ya doin’, buddy? Where’s your
Star Wars
balloon?”

“Tied to my bed,” Noah answered conversationally, twirling on the spot.
“Mommy said I could puts it there when I cleaned up the Legos.”

Riley’s eyes skittered up to Lexie. “Good deal. So what else do you like, Noah?”

Noah paused in his shooting for a moment, his hazel eyes on the clear blue sky before he answered. “Batman, tattoos like Mommy.” He lifted his T-shirt to show Riley a transfer tattoo of a lion on his round belly, and Riley was immediately walloped with a memory of Lexie and her sparkly stick-on tattoo obsession. “Hey,” Noah added. “You haves some tattoos.” He looked over Riley’s shoulders carefully. “And that’s like my Mommy’s.” Noah pointed to the world on the inside of Riley’s forearm and moved closer. On the breeze, Riley caught a scent of the little boy, all soft sunbeams and fabric softener. “Look, Mommy, it’s the sames. You match.”

“Yeah, baby,” Lexie affirmed softly. “We do.”

Riley looked her over, sucking in a breath when he saw the longing in Lexie’s gaze. There was no denying what he saw, because he knew his expression mirrored it exactly. He knew she was thinking about that day, the day they chose to permanently mark themselves for one another, after which they made love on a blanket in their spot in the forest. They’d come together hot, loud, and beautiful under the summer sunshine, clung to each other, and then did it all over again. Jesus, he’d moved so hard in her that day. She’d begged him, too, to mark her on the inside to match the mark she had for him outside, so he had, pushing deeper, thrusting faster, needing to get so close to her,
closer
to her.

Feeling a little breathless, Riley’s stare slipped down Lexie’s arm to where he knew her tattoo was and smiled at the cursive
Noah
she’d had inked in an arc over the top of it. “Nice addition,” he said. His attention snapped back to Noah when he felt a little fingertip trace the outline of the designs on his biceps. Riley was amazed at how brave Noah was to do that and, God, he was so close and so
real that Riley had the overwhelming and sudden urge to grab him up in a tight hug.

“You like these?” he asked instead, voice a little shaky.

Noah nodded. “They’re cool. What’s this?”

“That’s a dandelion,” Riley explained. “See how the parts of it blow up my arm?” The little fingertip moved up and over the artwork. Riley grinned. “Maybe when you’re a big boy you can get a real one.”

“Maybe,” Lexie interjected before Noah could respond. She smiled down at the two of them.

“Do you really have Batman socks?” Noah asked quietly.

Riley blinked. “Of course. I’m surprised you remember that.”

Noah’s lips twitched and his finger stopped at the tip of Riley’s shoulder. His innocent gaze met Riley’s. “Do you know what else I likes?”

Riley dropped his voice as though it was a secret. “What?”

“Ice cream.”

“Really?” Riley exclaimed. “That’s my most favorite thing in the world. What flavor?”

Noah smiled. “Chocolate.”

“That’s crazy, dude, because chocolate is my most favorite, too.”

Noah tilted his head as he regarded Riley. The purity and trust in that one look made Riley’s heart skip and trip over itself. The strength of emotion he felt at that moment was almost crushing and made his ribs ache, as though they struggled to contain his heart as it grew.

Over Noah’s shoulder, Riley spotted an ice-cream truck in the distance. “Maybe, if Mommy says it’s okay, I could take you to get some.” Riley glanced at Lexie, who’d also noticed the truck.

“Can we, Mommy?” Noah asked, suddenly all wide eyes and clapping hands.

Lexie laughed. “Okay.” She reached into her back pocket for what Riley assumed was her wallet. He stopped her with a shake of his head as he stood.

“This is on me. You want?” She pressed her lips together and he knew immediately what she wanted. “Strawberry?”

“What else?”

Riley turned to Lexie’s sister, who had been standing quietly throughout the whole exchange. “Sav?

“Chocolate for me, too.”

“Come on, Auntie Sav!” Noah yelled, grabbing her hand. “Disney man—”

“Riley,” Lexie corrected.

“Disney man Riley is gettings us ice creams!”

Lexie and Riley followed in their son’s wake as he pulled Savannah toward the truck. “You did great,” Lexie offered.

Riley nodded, unable to drag his attention away from Noah bouncing and happy. “Yeah, I . . . He’s amazing. I can’t believe we did that, Lex.”

Lexie stopped at his side when they reached the truck. “I know.”

“Mommy?” The two of them turned at the sound of Noah’s voice. “Can we has them now?” Riley ordered all four of the ice creams and, as cones were given out, he watched Noah and Lexie start to enjoy them.

It was so odd being this close to Lexie again after so long. Within him, anger and disappointment warred with nostalgia and hope. They still had so much to talk about, so much to decide and arrange if Riley was going to have a regular place in Noah’s life. And he wanted nothing less. He had to be real; as much as he wanted to reconnect with Lexie, it wasn’t just about the two of them anymore—there was Noah to think about, and he was far too important for Riley to mess shit up by being mixed up over Lexie. Things were too complicated, too fragile, to make any silly mistakes. He had to learn to be a father first before he even thought about him and Lexie being more.