A Love Like This (19 page)

I felt guilty every Goddamn time I looked at
her and guiltier still that I was so damned happy because Julia and
I would probably be pregnant within a few months. Whenever I
thought about it, I could literally feel my face soften. I didn’t
want to feel guilty about something so damn beautiful. Julia
certainly didn’t deserve that and I didn’t want to think about Jane
every time I touched my wife, always concerned what affect a
pregnancy would have on her fragile psyche. Having a baby would be
like rubbing salt in Jane’s wound, but from a personal standpoint,
I was happy that we’d agreed to let it happen. Hell, I was more
than happy about it, but every time I looked at Jane, I felt so
damn selfish that I wanted something she could never have. And
worse, I felt responsible. I could see similar guilt mirrored in
Julia’s deep green eyes. I didn’t want to think about it
anymore.

Tonight was to be spent with my wife and my
anticipation made the day crawl. I longed to lose myself in those
soulful eyes; to allow her touch to erase everything but her. I
wanted the comfort of just being in the same room with her. There
was no way in hell I was going to let Jane invade my thoughts
tonight. Tonight was all about my beautiful Julia. I inhaled
deeply, filling my lungs to capacity. The break and the chance to
check my messages would make time pass more quickly.

I stopped by the lounge to get my phone
before I went to the cafeteria and couldn’t help grinning when I
saw the text waiting for me.

Making all your favorites tonight. Try not
to be late. ~xo~

I decided to call instead of text because
all these thoughts of baby-making created the need to hear her
voice. She picked up on the first ring.

“Hey, handsome.”

My heart surged at the
happiness in her voice. “Hey,
you’re my
favorite
. You’re all I want tonight. Don’t
make a mess that takes hours to clean up. I’m looking forward to
holding you for hours.”

I could hear her soft breaths. “Mmmm, sounds
good. I promise no dishes tonight. We’ll make a different kind of
mess.”

A huge grin split my face. “Mrs. Matthews,
you are a naughty girl and I love it!”

“Are you on break? Have you eaten?”

“I’ll get something light. Don’t want to
overeat before tonight.”

She didn’t contradict me, which told me my
intuition was right; she was making something big. “Dinner is hours
from now, so eat, Ryan,” she commanded.

“What are you making?”

“You ask way too many questions. It’s a
surprise.” She giggled softly through the phone and my heart
filled. I was waiting for the newlywed giddiness to wear off, but
it never had. A surprise meant it would be amazing.

“I love you.”

“I know.” She laughed again, softly. “Now go
eat and stop bothering me! I have to go to the grocery store.”

“Okay. See you tonight.”

I tucked my phone back into the locker and
turned to leave, stopped by the sound of someone quietly crying
behind me. I did a one-eighty, my eyes scanning the room. Jane
huddled on the couch on the far side of the room, her back to me. I
could see her shoulders shaking and her hands covered her face as
she wept.
Fuck.

I moved closer, unsure of whether to let her
know I was there. Part of me wanted to comfort her, but another
part of me said to keep on walking. I wondered whether she’d want
to talk or would rather be left to her misery. After a moment’s
hesitation, I sat next to her on the couch.

“Jane.” I said softly, my hand reaching out
to rest gently on her back. “I thought you were off today.”

She didn’t answer, so I pressed. “Are you
okay?”

She only cried harder and shook her head,
her face still hidden by her hands. “No! Daniel doesn’t understand
what I’m going through. My mom left 3 days ago… and he’s… mad
because I’m still such a mess. He expects too much!”

My head dropped, my arm resting on my knee
while I sat there and listened to her misery. I could feel my skin
flush as anger welled in my chest.
How could he be such an
insensitive prick?
I’d only met the guy once—the day she was in
the hospital—and he was only interested in his fucking smart phone;
he’d kept pounding away on the keys, his eyes intent on the screen.
I’d wanted to rip the motherfucking thing from his fingers and
throw it out the window, all the while screaming for him to stop
being a dick. I just didn’t get why Jane would be with such a
douche. I wracked my brain for the right thing to say so I wouldn’t
let how I really felt about the guy show through. “He is probably
still working through it, too, Jane. He almost lost you. Believe
me, he was probably reeling and unsure how to help you.”

She straightened her shoulders and finally
looked at me, wiping at her nose with a tissue she dug out of the
pocket of her scrubs. “He doesn’t care about anything but his job
and his stupid computers! He yelled at me because I can’t have sex
yet. The only time he touches me is when he fucks me.”

The air left my lungs in a huff and I was
sure I flushed. I was shocked. I’d cussed enough around Jane, but
I’d never heard her utter one crass word. Ever.

“Jesus, Jane! That’s screwed up. How are you
even with this guy?”

“I love him, I guess.” Her sorrowful eyes
beseeched mine while my brain ripped him limb from limb. “I just
can’t seem to get him to take an interest in me outside of sex. He
said I was damaged now.” Her face crumpled and she sobbed. My arms
automatically surrounded her and she leaned into me, crying hard
onto my shoulder. I could feel her hot tears soaking through the
material of my shirt. “My body is… so ugly and scarred!” she
wailed.

Oh my God!
I pushed her back to take
hold of her shoulders with both hands. “Listen to me, Jane. You’re
a beautiful, desirable woman and he’s damn lucky to have you. He’s
no prize, for Christ’s sake!” Her eyes widened and snapped to my
face. “Well? He needs to get his head out of his ass. You have so
much to offer; you’re kind and giving. Any man would be lucky to be
with you. He doesn’t deserve you.”

Her only answer was a sniffle and blink at
me.

“Hey, are you listening?”

She smiled, two more tears running down her
face. “Thank you, Ryan.” Her hand reached out to my face and I
quickly pulled it down with one of mine. She shifted uncomfortably
and pulled her hand from my grasp. “If I could just get him to
spend some time with me. But when we do, it’s always in a group of
friends. I mean, if he takes me anywhere, it’s because someone else
makes the plans.”

I listened and I watched her expression then
I did the thing I didn’t want to do. If that fucker required a
group, so be it.

“Listen, Julia is making dinner tonight. Why
don’t you bring Daniel? Maybe he’ll forget about work.”

Her features lit up. “Really? Won’t Julia
mind?”

Yeah, Julia would probably kill me, but she
knew Jane needed our support right now. “I’m sure she’d love to see
you.”

She leaned in and hugged me tight. “Thank
you, Ryan! That would be wonderful.”

When she pulled away, I leaned over, pulled
another tissue from the box on the table in front of the TV and
handed it to her. I needed to get to the cafeteria, grab something
and get back to work. “Why are you here today?”

“Sally’s kid was sick and she needed someone
to cover the first half of her shift until her husband could leave
work.”

“I see. Well, I need to grab a quick
sandwich and get back to work. Call Daniel,” I said, getting up to
leave.

“I will. Didn’t Julia pack your lunch
today?”

I paused by the lockers, pulling out the
phone and quickly texting Julia.

I invited Jane and Daniel for dinner. I’ll
tell them around 8.

Don’t be mad. Not a good day for Jane. I’ll
make it up to you.

Jane’s eyes were still swollen, but at least
she had a smile on her face. “Nope. She was working on some
promotional stuff for a fundraiser her magazine is doing on New
Year’s Eve. No leftovers for me. Besides, when I’m working, she
doesn’t make a big meal. Tonight, she’s probably making something
amazing.” I looked down at my phone, but no response before I
shoved the phone back and walked toward the door of the lounge.

“What time?” Jane asked.

I pondered for a moment. I got off at six,
which meant dinner Julia would normally have dinner around 7:15,
but something told me I’d better be home before Jane and Daniel
showed up, so I could have time to talk with my wife. I figured
telling them eight would give us some time alone before they
arrived.

“Eight-ish? I’ll text you the address.”

So now I had to wolf down a burger and get
back to the ER without knowing if Jules got my message. She
understood that Jane needed friends’ support right now.

Jane’s first phone call with Ryan started a
pattern. Ryan’s devotion while visiting her at the hospital and his
availability whenever his phone or pager went off only reinforced
her access. Jane was back to work after a week in the hospital and
another week to recuperate at home. Her ever-absent boyfriend,
Daniel, made only one appearance at the hospital. Apparently, he
was the IT administrator for Chase and constantly on-call. I wasn’t
ignorant enough to believe the excuses he piled on Jane. I was
starting to believe his importance was more in his head than
reality if his responsibility to his girlfriend was a sign of his
commitment to other things, but it was only Jane’s opinion that
mattered. Daniel’s lack of involvement with Jane’s recovery only
fueled Ryan’s natural protective tendencies. I should be proud and
understanding and I was, to a point, but I was pissed at myself
because Ryan’s concern for Jane was starting to wear on me.

I pushed open the door to our apartment,
juggling two bags of groceries. Ryan invited Jane and Daniel to
dinner at the last minute and I was scrambling to get the apartment
cleaned up before they were set to arrive three hours from now. I
always kept the makings of a cheesecake on hand and one was
chilling in the refrigerator. I purchased the ingredients for the
fresh strawberry topping along with an expensive cut of prime rib,
wine, potatoes, fresh horseradish, asparagus, sour cream and herbs
for the rest of the meal. Ryan loved everything I was making for
dinner. I felt flustered and disappointed as I stared at the label
on the wine in my hand and thought of the new negligée hiding in
the top drawer of my dresser. We really couldn’t afford this
expensive meal or the little tidbits of satin and lace.

It was Saturday and it was rare that Ryan
had the evening off. I’d planned on cheesecake and prime rib, but
selfishly, hoped it would be one of our rare evenings alone. I
sighed in regret. Well, I might as well buck up. My plans were
flushed the minute I read Ryan’s text. Jane was having a bad day.
So what else is new? I cringed at my own lack of compassion, but
damn if I could stop myself from allowing the unfairness of the
situation to creep into my thoughts.

I cranked the oven to 475 and leaned down to
pull a skillet and the roasting rack from the cupboard. I seasoned
and seared the meat before tucking it into the hot oven with the
foil wrapped potatoes and set the timer for one hour. I wanted a
bath, internally reminding myself that it was wrong to feel sorry
for myself.
Fuck it.
I did feel sorry for myself.
Whatever
.

I passed the boxes of new Christmas
ornaments next to the half a dozen that each of our mother’s had
sent, and the naked tree waiting patiently for attention. This was
our first Christmas together as a married couple, and Ryan wanted
to decorate the tree after dinner with a roaring fire in the
fireplace. I planned to meet him at the door in nothing but the
sheer red babydoll trimmed in white fluff and a Santa hat and tease
him mercilessly all evening; maybe even follow it up with a good
game of Truth or Dare. Now that was all shot to hell, and if I had
my way, the tree wouldn’t get decorated until Jane and Daniel had
gone home.

The small amount of time I’d spent in Jane
and Ryan’s presence taught me that I’d be completely left out of
the conversations as they discussed medical procedures or emergency
cases. Ryan was passionate about his work and Jane appeared
completely captivated by every word that came out of his mouth.
Naturally, he couldn’t help his enthusiasm for his work and her
interest in it. The fact that she knew the medical jargon and
details about the running of the ER made it easy for her to
interject what I couldn’t. Ryan shared with me about his work as I
shared mine with him, but obviously, it was on a different level.
With Jane, he could talk ‘shop’ and he seemed to enjoy it a lot.
Between that and the shared near-death experience, they had a lot
to talk about. Hopefully, with Daniel invited, too, it might be
less all-engrossing. I was looking forward to finally putting a
face with Jane’s description of her beau. Ryan was angry that the
man had been so absent when Jane needed him most, and if I knew my
husband, he’d find a way to make the other man squirm during dinner
conversation. Yay. I was so looking forward to that since it would
only make Jane more googly-eyed for Ryan. I huffed at the direction
of my thoughts and did my best to push them away as I stripped off
my clothes and added my favorite bath salts to the water. I had an
hour to lounge in the tub and it was just what I needed.