A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction (9 page)

Level 1 sexually addictive behaviors may include:

1. Sexually compulsive activities within the relationship including sex that is not coupled with respect for the needs and desires of the other partner, such as using the partner as a sex object

2. Lack of ability to engage in sexual contact with one’s partner

3. Sexual fantasy, viewing pornography, and masturbation (no contact with actual live people)

4. Visiting chat rooms or online sexual live feeds or posing as a single person on online dating sites—contact with live people, but no actual physical contact

5. Engaging sexually with live people but without emotional connection—including contact with prostitutes, massage parlors, emotionless dating, and affairs

6. Engaging sexually with live people with an emotional connection—including brief or long-term relationships and affairs

• Although there may be no such thing as “normal” sex and intimacy, there are certain clues or guidelines that a relationship is healthy and positive. What makes the marital relationship so special, and affords it the opportunity for a unique intimacy that exists nowhere else in your life, is when the marital partners have sex—and only with each other.

Looking Forward

At the end of
Chapter 4
, you will find guidelines for full disclosure. Prior to that, we provide some clarity about many of the misperceptions you may be having about yourself or your partner.

CHAPTER 4

What Does This Mean about You?

Whatever the particular type of sexually compulsive behavior that is intruding into your relationship, certain patterns of thought can be obstacles to moving forward effectively. No matter what side of this problem you are on, there are some familiar themes.

Generally, women want to know what their partners’ behaviors mean about them and about their relationship. And women often want to know what they can do to help their partners. They would like to somehow ensure that the problem will not happen again.

Usually, men are ashamed about what they have been doing, while at the same time they often attempt to minimize the problem. Men can also have a tendency to blame their partners, their biology, and/or the society in which they live.

To illustrate, let’s look at Heather and Bryan’s story from an e-mail Heather sent to us.

Heather and Bryan

My name is Heather and I am in need of some serious advice. I just don’t know who to turn to about this issue. I am twenty years old and I live with my twenty-one-year-old boyfriend, Bryan. We are absolutely head over heels in love and spend most of our time together. About six months ago, I discovered that Bryan had a secret problem that he was keeping to himself. I think he might be addicted to Internet porn.

After I first discovered the numerous porn sites on his computer, I was devastated. I thought, “Am I not enough?” I can’t live up to the intense, airbrushed, perfect women on those sites. I freaked out, and as he calmed me down, he told me he didn’t have a problem, that he’s just a guy and it was an occasional thing.

Shortly after that, a few days later, I found even more porn on his computer. I was devastated even more. He had initially led me to believe that his using porn was occasional. After that second time I caught him, he finally told me that he had been dealing with his problem with Internet porn since the age of twelve. At that time, he had his own computer and it was just an easy click to see whatever he wanted.

He reassured me that it had nothing to do with being unsatisfied with me or with my body. It was an impulse, an urge. After that, he swore he would never look at the porn again, that I meant too much to him to lose me over it
.
He promised that if he did, he would tell me.

So for about a month and a half, as far as I know, he didn’t look at anything. But then last Thursday I used his phone to get on the Internet, and right there were a couple of sites he had visited on his break at work. At work! Of course, I was absolutely heartbroken again. I went straight to him and asked, “What the hell is this?” He apologized profusely and said, “I swear, I really don’t look at that stuff anymore. I was just at work and I don’t even know why I did it, I’m so sorry.” He then told me that he thought it would be too hard to tell me that he had looked at porn again because he knew I would get upset. I told him, “I am upset, but it’s always something we can still work through.”

The problem is that I gave Bryan my trust twice already, and he abused it. Now this time he assures me that he doesn’t have a problem with porn anymore—I have nothing to worry about. But I do worry. I worry constantly that he’ll have a “slip up” and look just once more, and then just once more, etc., and not tell me about it.

I have read a lot about sexual addiction and addiction to Internet porn, and Bryan shows all the signs of having an addiction. He told me he still has urges all the time to look, but fights it. He tried to hide it from me because he was embarrassed he couldn’t stop. He even looked at it on his work break because he thought he would be able to just look at a couple of pictures and be good and that I wouldn’t find out.

I worry that until he admits to having an addiction, he won’t truly be able to stop. He needs to realize that he needs to do this for himself. He tells me that he doesn’t like that he looks at the porn and he feels ashamed after he does. He knows how I feel about it, so the only way I can understand his problem is that it is an addiction. But he hates that word and assures me he doesn’t have a problem anymore—let alone an addiction—and that I have nothing to worry about. How can I show him that his problem is way more serious than he thinks it is? How can I sort this thing out?

Thanks for your help,

Heather

From Heather’s e-mail, we can be certain that each partner in the relationship has issues and that the relationship between them needs help. However, it seems that Heather and Bryan have reached conclusions that are just not accurate. Let’s start with the reassurances we would give to both Heather and Bryan—and to you.

Keep in mind that we offer these reassurances knowing that they are important to hear, but also realizing that they are not going to solve the problem. They probably will not penetrate to the core of the internal machinery that has created the problem. We will follow up in later chapters with tools to unravel the mechanisms that are contributing to the difficulty you are experiencing inside yourself and with your partner. We will show you how to work with the underlying motivating causes. In the meantime, think of these reassurances as seeds that are being planted, and take in these reassurances as deeply as you can. We also strongly recommend that you read through the reassurances for both you and for your partner. Understanding the issue from your significant other’s point of view is vital to your development of compassion and empathy.

For Her: What This Does Not Mean about You

As we mentioned in
Chapter 1
, you should know that you did not cause your partner’s sexually compulsive behavior, nor can you cure it. That will be his task. His behavior is not about you. It certainly affects you, but it is not due to anything you have done or not done. His sexually compulsive behavior was in place before you met him. You may be (and probably are) an irritant and a stimulant to him at varying times, but his choices about how to deal with his irritations and stimulations are his alone, as are yours.

His fixation with sexuality outside of your relationship does not mean that he does not love you. In our experience, men who are fixated sexually with images or even with people outside of their relationship can still deeply love their partners. They just don’t know how to connect intimately and sexually, even though they truly love their partners and want to have a real intimate relationship. Clearly, your relationship is not hopeless or doomed because your partner has a problem with sexual compulsivity.

You need to put in place several important agreements before you can move forward as a couple. Your partner must let you know that he understands he needs to learn how to make other choices in expressing his sexuality. If he is not willing to see that his sexually acting-out behavior is unacceptable in the relationship, then you do not have the ground upon which you can rebuild. He may have no concept of how to work with his sexually compulsive urges at this point, but he must understand that his behaviors have been unacceptable and destructive to your relationship. If your partner is unwilling to 1) recognize that his sexual behaviors are destructive to the relationship, and 2) see that he needs to find a way to alter his repetitive and compulsive tendencies, then your relationship does not have a true chance of moving toward genuine intimacy.

Your partner’s fixation with pornographic images or with prostitutes does not mean that you need to compete with the images or the prostitutes. You do not need to turn yourself into a sex object, to fashion yourself into the image of a porn star or sexy prostitute. You would not even want to compete with these images. Your value as a sexual partner is not based on becoming more like the airbrushed illusionary perfection of the plastic world of pornography. When your partner is turned on by and is masturbating to these images, he is not engaged in intimate sex. Alternatively, the sexual connection you are interested in having with your partner is an expression of intimacy.

As we mentioned in
Chapter 1
, compulsive, addictive sex is not the same thing as intimate sex. Your partner may not understand this yet, but you probably do. You have the capacity to express your beauty, your sexuality, and your love for giving and receiving pleasure with and from your partner. Intimate sex is sacred. It can be fun and playful and intense, but it is not based in compulsion, fear, or shame. It is a powerful expression of loving tenderness born of intimate, vulnerable connection with a loving partner.

You are not weak or damaged just because you want to stay with your partner and rebuild your relationship. You are the judge of what is right for your life, your body, your relationship. However, if your partner is unwilling to admit to his problem with sexual compulsiveness and work toward building the capacity for intimate connected sex, then you need to examine your part in cocreating a relationship that does not honor you as a true partner.

Keep in mind that even if you make a choice that you later determine was an error, it does not necessarily mean that you made a wrong choice for that moment. Sometimes it takes an apparent wrong turn to learn something. Treat yourself as if you are a child learning to walk—you sometimes need to fall down to reach the ultimate goal of being able to dance. If you feel you may be hanging on to your relationship in a compulsive way, we urge you to seek support. In
Chapter 11
, you will find information on how to learn more about what has been termed co-sex addiction.

You do not have to force yourself to trust your partner right now. Actually, you probably do not trust him now. And you have a good reason for your lack of trust. He has not been faithful to the commitment of the relationship and has probably lied repeatedly. Trust in your relationship will need to be rebuilt. In Chapters 5 and 8, we discuss the rebuilding of trust and the importance of undefended honesty.

You are going to feel angry, upset, and mistrusting. You do not have to banish your reactions; in fact, you can’t. In
Chapter 7
, we show you how you can use the strong feelings and emotions you are having to strengthen your relationship with yourself and your partner. The feelings you are having are normal. Both you and your partner have the task of learning how to tell the truth to yourself and to each other. Through this truth telling, intimacy will be rebuilt and trust will naturally arise. You do not have to force it to come back.

You don’t need to do this alone. We have found that in dealing with sexually compulsive behaviors, outside support is frequently necessary. As mentioned, in
Chapter 11
you will find information on locating this kind of support. However, this book will provide you with the information and tools you need to begin changing your relationship whether or not you also attend counseling, join a group, or seek other outside support.

Needing support in moving through this process does not mean you are weak. You will need to reach out to connect with friends, family, and other support systems. It is important to find help and comfort that is actually supportive. True support comes from someone who is able to provide real empathy. This does not mean they agree with everything you tell them or having them side with you about how bad and wrong your partner has been. Ideally, you will be able to reveal, to unearth, to expose your story of shame, your story of blame. A compassionate friend will hold a loving space for you to find your own answers. Your support person may point you toward seeing what you cannot see on your own because he or she understands the emotional territory you are traversing, but this person does not force you into that awareness. The key to true support is compassion—for both you and your partner.