A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction (5 page)

Are you ready to stop believing the Santa Claus of porn is going to “bring” you the perfect woman? Are you ready to take the necessary steps to salvage your relationship and be a mature adult?

If you have kids, think about them. You may believe your sexually compulsive behavior is private and has no impact on them, but that’s another fantasy. Your relationship with your wife has a major influence on how well your children will be able to maintain intimate relationships later in their lives. If they do not see a model for real intimacy and how to relate in an authentic way to another adult, they will not know that skill. It does not happen by magic; it is learned. And they learn it from you—just think about that. If you still insist that your behavior does not impact them, then you are living in denial.

Changing your mind is not easy, but it can be done. Many men have accomplished the same thing. This book is a step toward breaking from your sexually compulsive behavior and learning to connect with another person in a new way. You are more than the compulsive guy who can’t stop. You are more than the person who feels bad about himself, who feels shame, pain, and guilt. There is something deeper and more important to you. That part of you can take charge and make change. The part of you that is acting out is just one aspect of you.

Clayton’s Experience

Here is what a client named Clayton wrote about his urges to continue to masturbate to porn rather than have sex with his wife:

I have lived with this urge, this compulsion for my entire life, but I also know that it does not need to be this way. Women want to be loved and want to have intimacy just as much as men do. How can I expect to get anything if I do not put anything into my relationship? For my entire marriage I have lived in my own secluded world. I have lived with my stories and in the bathroom. I have lived all of my secrets and all of my lies! They were tales that never ended and were like chameleons that could change shapes and colors just so easily. In the end, what did I get? In the end, I was sitting alone in front of the computer with my pants down and my cock in my hand. Just like I was yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. I was all alone. I was by myself. My fantasy stories were filling my mind, and that was making my cock hard. When it was over, I was all alone. I was feeling badly. I was feeling guilty. Look, I just do not want this anymore! I do not want those feelings. I do not want any of that. What kind of sex was it that I was having? Was that “hot sex”? Was any of it real? I want more out of my life!

The point is that you have a major decision to make. Do you want to pretend that you’re changing so the woman in your life will stop being angry with you, or do you want to really change so you will go from living in a fantasy world to one where you live in real intimacy with a real person? The following chapters will help you gain the understanding and tools to better understand your sexual behaviors and how to repair your relationship.

For now, we will provide some baseline advice for getting through the next few days and weeks. We understand that you probably do not have enough information or understanding to fully embrace the issues at hand. That’s okay for the moment, but we find, especially right now, that it is helpful for you to bolster your listening skills as much as possible.

Listen to Her

You need to listen to your partner so you can actually connect with her and what she is feeling. And you need to not be angry back. You can just listen and not defend yourself. You can feel the words she is saying and the impact your behavior has had on her. This may not be easy, and will most likely be painful, but you can do it. Just remember how you might feel if she was the one having fantasy affairs with incredibly sexy men while leaving you out in the cold.

The point is not to assign blame, but to accept the facts so you can move on toward a closer relationship. In one way, finally being honest is the greatest gift your relationship could ever have. Many relationships are based on lies, and many relationships lack real intimacy. You and the woman in your life have the opportunity for something amazing.

What our clients have ultimately discovered is that real intimacy with a real person is better than you could have imagined, and much better than a fantasy. Again, it is not easy. The women on the porn sites, the prostitutes and strip club dancers—none of them talk back to you. They only take your money and pretend that “you’re the man.” But you have not been the man. Now is your chance to change all that. Are you ready to make your choice?

What Do You Both Do Right Now?

The bad news is that you both may feel as if your relationship is irrevocably shattered. The good news, as has been learned from many couples that have been through this process, is that most people who threaten to leave don’t actually follow through. Even when a couple does separate, the chances are good that they will reunite, provided each is committed to their individual recovery. Disclosure can lay the groundwork for a new relationship, based on honesty and greater intimacy.

Even though you may feel completely miserable, the time is ripe with opportunity. That may sound hard to believe, but the truth is that the information coming to light has presented you with building blocks for a new foundation for your relationship. If the connection between the two of you is strong enough, this can be a time for becoming free of concerns that have been weighing you down your entire life. This is the time to go for it.

Exercise: Making a Commitment to Yourself

One of the difficulties in creating a relationship in today’s world is that the roles and rules are not as defined as they have been in the past. As couples, this gives us a lot more freedom to create relationships that really work for us as individuals, even though it can be confusing.

The value of a commitment is that it gets our attention. The commitment we make to another creates a bond that challenges us to become more than the sum of the two parts. At the end of
Chapter 8
, we will ask you to make a new commitment to each other, but before you can make a new honest and lasting commitment, it is necessary to lay the groundwork by making a true commitment to yourself. This is mandatory so that you can really look into the dynamics within the relationship that are not working. You cannot give something to someone else that you do not have internally. So you begin this process of commitment with yourself.

To do this exercise—and to move forward in your relationship— you need to set some bottom-line rules. The partner who has been sexually compulsive needs to have the desire and willingness to stop the sexually acting-out behavior. This behavior is an ineffective tool he has been using to seek out the closeness we all desire. If the desire and willingness to stop sexually acting out is not in place, then you don’t have a basis from which to begin. Additionally, the partner who has been betrayed needs to have the desire and willingness to go through the process of investigation with her partner.

Both partners also need to be willing to begin to look into the dynamics within the relationship system that are not working. What is preventing true intimacy? In what ways are each of the partners contributing to the difficulties in the relationship? How can each partner become more vulnerable in a way that leads to greater intimacy? Please note that we are not suggesting that a difficulty in the couple’s dynamic in any way justifies sexually acting out by either partner.

Find a time to sit down quietly for at least ten minutes in a place where you can write. You can, of course, take longer if you need, but it is important to have time when you know you will not be interrupted. For a few minutes, just breathe in and out and don’t try to solve anything or think about anything. Then remember a time or a place when you felt completely safe. Really sink into that feeling of being safe. Now, let yourself know the commitment you want to make to yourself regarding your relationship and record it either on paper or in your computer. It is important that you have a record of your commitment to yourself.

For now, you do not need to figure out specific strategies about how you will carry through with your commitment. In this moment, it is important that you know and see what you value— to what are you willing to commit? Think of this as driving a stake in the ground and claiming the territory of that which you truly value.

Beginning the Healing: Understanding How You Objectify Your Partner

As we discussed in
Chapter 1
, it’s common for people to objectify each other. This plays into the sexual addiction process by making it easier for a person to desire a fantasy rather than deal with messy reality. To deal with messy reality, as you must in order to change your relationship, find ways to go beyond the appearance.

It is possible to shift from relating to and even desiring the outward appearance of a person—the objectification—to appreciating the true beauty of a person. It’s a deeper level of beauty and immensely more satisfying than a surface experience. It is a beauty you
can
get enough of—as opposed to objectification, which you can never get enough of and of which the addict is always wanting more. Objectification is not rewarding.

For men who have been engaging in sexually compulsive ways it is important to begin to see how you sexualize and objectify the individuals in images or real life that are the focus of your acting out behavior. Also notice how (and if) you have objectified your partner by seeing her solely through the lens of sexuality or through your view of her based on what you have learned a partner or wife should be.

For women, it is helpful to find the ways that you may objectify as well. Notice how (and if) you have objectified your partner by seeing him in a certain role, such as the one who makes the money. Remember how you were first attracted to him by how handsome he was. Similar to what he has done in seeking objectification in women, you may also have objectified.

The point is for both of you to get beyond any fantasies of how you’d like each other to be and live in the truth of who you both are. That’s where ultimate beauty is found.

Exercise: Seeing Behind the Mask

Every one of us presents an image to the world, to ourselves, and to those around us. It is natural to show the pleasing aspects of ourselves and more difficult to show the facets that we feel are ugly or bad. This exercise, meant for both partners, helps you see behind the mask, and to take the first step toward moving past objectification.

First, you need to (if possible) find three pictures of yourself— one when you were a young child, one when you were a teenager, and one of yourself now. If you can’t find these three photos, find whatever photos you can. Please don’t let a lack of photos keep you from doing the exercise; whatever you can put together will work.

Step One

You will need your three photos and a mirror. Any mirror will do, even the bathroom mirror. The mirror just has to be large enough so that you can see your entire face. Find some quiet time when you can be uninterrupted for ten to fifteen minutes.

Sit down and look at your three photos. Pay close attention to the eyes in the photos. Spend three or four minutes looking at each photo. Notice how you may judge the characteristics of your form, the way you smile, the tilt of your eyes, the color of your hair. Notice how you may judge whatever you personally perceive to be a flaw or what you perceive to be an asset.

Then drop those perceptions as much as you can and just notice who is looking out of the eyes in the photo. Who is there? What is the quality or essence of that individual? Do this with each of the photos, taking several minutes with each.

Then go to the mirror and examine your reflection. Look into your own eyes. Again, notice how you may judge whatever you personally perceive to be a flaw or an asset. Then drop that perception or judgment and notice, really see, who is looking out of your eyes. What or who do you see looking back at you that is the same or different from what you saw looking out of the eyes in the photos? Spend a minute or two just investigating what you may perceive.

Step Two

Next, exchange photos with your partner. You can do this step immediately after you have done step one or at a different time. If you and your partner are too angry or hurt by each other at this time, please postpone step two until you feel ready to do it. It is better to postpone than to do something that you feel will create more distance. Trust yourself in knowing the right time to complete this exercise. When you are ready, be sure that you have fifteen to twenty minutes available and that both you and your partner can do this part of the exercise together.

As you did with your own photos, look at each of the photos of your partner one at a time. Spend three or four minutes looking at each photo. Pay close attention to the eyes in the photos. Notice how you may judge the characteristics of your partner’s form, the way he or she smiles, the tilt of the eyes, the hair color. Notice how you may judge whatever you perceive to be a flaw or an asset to your partner’s looks. Then drop those perceptions as much as you can and just notice who is looking out of the eyes in the photo. Who is there? Do this with each of the photos for several minutes.