A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction (10 page)

For Him: What This Does Not Mean about You

It is common for men who have engaged in sexually compulsive behavior to feel as if they have failed in their relationships with their girlfriends or spouses. But there are sound reasons why you are sexually addicted, and the roots of those motives will be explored in more detail in
Chapter 9
, which covers your history, or why you behave the way you do.

For now, we want to be clear that being a sex addict does not mean you are a failure. It also does not mean that you are bad or wrong. It does mean that you are living in reaction to your history, which includes the attitudes and role models you saw regarding intimacy while you were growing up, for example.

Because you are reading this book, sexual compulsion is obviously a problem for you and your significant other. Fortunately, it is a problem that can be dealt with, and many men and couples have done just that. We want to be clear that you are not doomed to live with this problem for the rest of your life. You can change.

Firstly, it bears repeating that you can stop acting out sexually. Once you do that, your relationship has a chance to change. This book explores not just how to move beyond sexually addicted behaviors, but how to achieve a new and more intimate and sexual connection in your relationship. Secondly, you can start being honest with yourself and with your loved one, which can allow more safety and vulnerability into your relationship. The road to vulnerability is paved with undefended honesty, a subject detailed in
Chapter 8
.

Many men have grown up thinking that all types of sex or sexual connection are basically the same thing—sex. But as mentioned, sex addiction and intimate sex are not the same thing. In fact, they are profoundly different. In
Chapter 1
, we explained the specifics of our sexual impulses and delineated when sexual activity becomes sexual addiction. For now, it is important that you 1) recognize and admit that you have an issue with sexual compulsivity, and 2) make a commitment to stopping the sexually compulsive behaviors. You may not know how to stop the behaviors, but you can commit to finding a way to stop and to building intimacy with your partner. In fostering your natural vulnerability, you will be able to build true intimacy, including sexual intimacy, with your partner.

Because you have acted out sexually, you may doubt that you love your wife or girlfriend—although, most likely, you do. Being sexually addicted and acting out sexually does not mean you don’t love the person you’re with; it does mean that you have an issue with intimacy. For example, a real woman has real feelings that you may be uncomfortable with. On the other hand, there is no need for you to deal with reality when you interact with a woman on a porn site or a prostitute or a strip club dancer. That’s the fantasy of sexually addictive behavior, and it has no relation to real intimacy.

Although you may have other issues that require psychological counseling, being sexually compulsive does not mean you are mentally ill or sick or crazy. Having engaged in sexually compulsive behavior also does not mean there is something wrong with you or that you are a pervert. Many men feel ashamed of acting out sexually, and they often consider themselves weak. If you feel that way, it does not mean you are weak, but that you have not yet learned how to break free of your sexually compulsive behavior and find true intimacy in your relationship with a loved one.

Most addictive behaviors take you away from what is happening or what you are feeling that you do not know how to deal with in the moment.
Chapter 7
provides a deeper understanding of how to deal with strong emotions, vulnerability, and intimacy, along with your responses to hurt, anger, and fear. When you learn to resist the instinctive impulse to get away, you gain the capacity to cope with your emotions in a positive way that can lead to increased honesty and intimacy.

Once you do finally break free of sexually acting out, you understand that by giving up your sexually compulsive behavior you are not losing anything. Quite to the contrary, you are gaining everything. Real intimacy with a real person is worth more than all the money in the world. This book will provide you with methods to determine what is in the way of achieving intimacy with the person you love. Examples of what can be in the way are shame, blame, and pain.

No Magic Bullet

We understand that even though you may hear, understand, and accept the above encouragements, these words will not magically remove your natural responses of anger, fear, and pain. They do not wipe out your underlying story of worthlessness, or remove the pain driven by shame. They will not remove your compulsive urges. But hearing these reassurances and taking them in is a necessary, important, and helpful step.

Exercise: Disclosure

If you have not already done so, it is time for full disclosure with your partner. If you are not ready to disclose or if you are uncertain about whether or not sexual compulsivity is a problem in your relationship, it may be helpful to reread these first four chapters again. If you feel you need outside support prior to approaching full disclosure, we discuss finding those types of resources in
Chapter 11
. And it can be helpful to refer back to the “Ground Rules for Communicating Difficult Issues” at the end of
Chapter 3
.

For Him: The Truth, the Whole Truth

So, the time has come for you to make an appointment with your partner to fill her in on the missing pieces of how your sexual compulsions have manifested—your specific behavior. You may be unsure about how much you should reveal. What level of detail is appropriate? This is something you will need to negotiate with your partner.

The guideline we generally give is that you need to disclose all the significant ways you have acted out, but you don’t necessarily need to provide every specific sexual detail. However, if there are other people involved, you will need to let her know who those people are. If they are people she knows or may meet, she needs to know their names. If there is any kind of possible exposure to disease or infection involved, you will need to provide those details.

For example, if your issue is masturbating to porn on the Internet, you will need to tell her the type of porn websites you go to, how often you have tended to go there, and any repercussions you may

have suffered because you have been engaged in your compulsion— such as getting in trouble at work. If you have been going online to chat rooms, tell her about the type of chat rooms you have visited and the type of conversations you had there. If you have been flirting with your coworkers, friends, or strangers, you need to let her know the nature of the flirting.

If you have had sex (unprotected or not) with others, you need to let her know the specific nature and level of physical contact. If you have had any kind of sex with another, it is important that she get a checkup with her doctor, even if you are certain that you could not have passed on any kind of disease or infection. This precaution is important so both of you can have peace of mind and a fresh start.

Be sure to tell her each element of your acting out. Again, you don’t need to provide every sexual detail, but you do need to be sure you have told her about every significant type of behavior. In order to rebuild trust, she will need to know that you haven’t left anything out. You don’t want her to discover something significant later by getting a phone call, talking to a friend, or hearing about a sexually transmitted disease from her doctor.

Let your partner guide you about the amount of detail she would like to have concerning types of behaviors, names of people, number of encounters, dates, places, expense, or any other specifics she would like to know. Each person will have their own level of comfort with the level of detail they need to hear. Keep in mind that comparing your partner to someone else is not necessary and will probably only be hurtful.

Each person has their own needs in terms of level of detail that they would like to hear. For some people, more details are reassuring; for others, specifics are hurtful. To understand this, think of the description you would give to a friend if you got a bad cut on your finger that required stitches. Some people might want to hear every detail about how you got the cut and might even want to see the stitches. Someone else might be satisfied with simply knowing that you cut your finger. That person may not even want to see the bandage.

If you are reading this book, we’re assuming that your partner already knows at least some of what you have done. A big part of your reluctance to tell is simply that you feel guilty. No one wants to mess up. However, if you do not reveal what you have been trying to hide, the secret will impact you and your relationship negatively in a number of ways. Your partner’s imagination about what you have done is generally more destructive to your relationship than the truth about your compulsive, addictive sexual behavior.

Too many times, we have seen the person who has been sexually compulsive make the mistake of not telling his partner everything she wants to know. Because part of the problem is that he has been holding back, if he continues to do so, the problem will not be resolved.

The more honest you are now, the better the chance of saving the relationship. This level of disclosure will probably be uncomfortable because you are likely to feel ashamed, embarrassed, or guilty. You may feel like the kid who has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. But don’t be like the kid who denies that he has taken the cookies. Go ahead and admit to everything you have done. In the long run, this will be in your best interest and in the best interest of your relationship.

Finally, you need to apologize, without excuses. Say, “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you in this way,” “I’m sorry I’ve lied to you,” “I’m sorry I’ve put you at risk.” This would not be the time to bring up any issues or unhappiness you feel about your partner. There is no legitimate excuse for acting out sexually. Simply say, “I’m sorry” and let her know specifically what you are sorry for doing. This is important. In our experience, most men are desperate to give reasons and excuses for their behavior. Those impulses are normal, but don’t follow them. This is simply the moment to reveal and apologize.

For Her: He Has Something to Tell You

When your partner tells you the details of how he has betrayed the intimacy of his connection with you, you will likely feel some apprehension and some relief. The most important thing to remember is that his acting out has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with your sexuality or desirability, or your value as a human. This is his inappropriate way of dealing with issues and feelings that he has not previously known how to endure.

This is also the time for you to tell all. If you have any suspicions that have not been voiced, state them. Ask for any details you want to hear. There may be some specifics you would just as soon not know. You may or may not want to hear specific sexual details like the types of porn sites your partner has visited, the names or types of people with whom he has engaged sexually, or the elements of a sexual encounter. Maybe you are not ready to hear this sort of detail, and maybe you will be ready next week, next year, or never. Take care of yourself and respect your feelings. Part of respecting your feelings is sharing them with your partner. If you have felt hurt, betrayed, angry, sad, or disappointed, be honest and clear.

Share your feelings without blaming. Although your feelings are in response to his behavior, they are still your feelings. He may have done things that have caused these feelings to arise, but they are your feelings. If you have feelings of being hurt, sad, angry— whatever you may feel—that is perfectly normal.

Right now, you don’t need to forgive or feel compassion for your partner. That may come in time, but it is not necessary right now. Your feelings of understanding, forgiveness, and compassion will probably ebb and flow for a while. It is important to let him say everything he has to say without stopping him before you comment. When he is finished, let him know exactly how you feel. Tell him as specifically as you can without attacking him personally.

By this, we mean you may want to tell him how hurt you are, how angry you are, or how numb you feel. You can express all that without telling him what a rotten person he is or how he is exactly like his father or your father or some despicable character you know. After he has shared with you, you will quite possibly need time to be alone and reflect on what you have heard.

For Him: How to Bear Her Reaction

Now that you have finally “come clean” and revealed all the worst of you, you probably feel that you deserve a big pat on the back for your courage and honesty. And you do deserve kudos— this is a big and important step. But your partner may be sad, angry, distant, or some combination of those emotions. It is normal for you to feel good about what you have accomplished so far. And it is normal that your partner is still processing what she has heard from you. At this time, it is important that you simply acknowledge your partner’s feelings. Skillful responses include, “I understand” and “I’m sorry.”

It is perfectly normal if you have the impulse to defend yourself by explaining your actions or blaming your partner. But don’t do it! This impulse is part of your survival mechanism. You want to protect yourself by fending off what feels like an attack. Or you may have an urge to just run away. When you can recognize this impulse for what it is, you will recognize that you have the option to make a different choice about your response.