A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction (12 page)

It took Steve that full week, but he eventually admitted what he had been doing. He was not yet ready to acknowledge the content of the sexually explicit material he had been accessing on the Internet to stimulate himself. And he wasn’t ready to talk about the porn videos and porn magazines that had been accumulating since the time he was in high school.

Megan was initially relieved to hear just this portion of the truth. She was certain that there was more to the story, and she didn’t know how she could trust Steve until he told her everything. She also felt betrayed that he had lied to her about the video tapes and that he was attracted to websites that were so abhorrent to her. She couldn’t imagine how she could again engage with him in a sexual way while knowing that he was captivated by the images she had seen on the computer screen.

Megan wanted to be able to trust Steve and Steve wanted Megan to trust him. Steve felt frozen, guilty, and embarrassed. Neither one of them could imagine how they could regain the love and connection they had initially experienced with each other. They hoped there was a way to come back together, but could not imagine how to navigate from Point A to Point B.

How to Begin to Rebuild Trust

When a couple is wrestling with the issue of sex addiction, the man has usually been acting out sexually and the woman is hurt and loses trust in the relationship. At the end of
Chapter 4
, we provided an exercise for making full disclosure of the sexually compulsive behavior. If you haven’t completed that step, it won’t be possible to begin the task of rebuilding trust. When there is an elephant in the living room, it will be necessary to know how the elephant got into the living room. But when you have an elephant in the living room, it’s important to first get it out. That elephant is causing a lot of destruction. Most importantly, it’s impossible to rebuild trust while the elephant is still in the living room!

It’s probably obvious to you that it’s impossible for a couple to have a conversation about couple dynamics or about how to rebuild trust while one partner is acting violently or drinking alcohol to excess or abusing drugs. In the same way, the sexually acting-out behaviors must at least be put on pause. Even if the stopping is not perfect, there must be the desire to stop and there must be some kind of structure put in place to support the stopping.

Just hoping or imagining that you will be able to stop compulsive behavior is wishful thinking. When the noise caused by the destructive behavior is quieted, then the issues that may be triggering the destructive acting out can be addressed. Building the capacity and skill to address the underlying issues are precisely the ingredients that lead to the rebuilding of trust and compassion.

Any relationship is a dance, and if one partner changes his or her dance steps it will necessarily impact the other partner for the good or the bad. Since none of us is perfect, in every troubled relationship both members of the couple are contributing in some fashion to the disharmony. However, when one partner’s behavior is destructive, “big” in a way that overshadows other aspects of the relationship, and compulsive, it tends to take up all the air space. The focus is on the sexually addicted partner and on his or her compulsive behavior.

If you are the partner who has been acting out, undoubtedly you have some issues with your partner that you’d like for her to hear. Just know that in order for your issues to be heard, you must first stop your sexually addictive behavior. When you do, your chances of finding the compassion, understanding, and trust that you want from your partner are much greater. If the destructive behavior continues, the relationship should not continue. Even if your partner manages to stick with you, resentment, anger, and distrust will prevent the understanding and forgiveness you desire from blooming.

Often, the partner in a couple who is acting out sexually feels that he has been labeled as the bad one, the one who is causing all the trouble, the identified patient or IP. We’ve often heard the complaint in our offices from husbands who are feeling blamed, “I’m not the IP here.” In
Chapter 6
, we will focus more specifically on how you can work with blame and shame. In the meantime, if you are the partner who has been acting out sexually, realize that you are likely to remain the focus of the issues in the relationship until you can get control over your compensatory acting-out behaviors. Once you get the elephant out of the living room, you can begin to learn how to keep it out of the living room, and how it got into the living room in the first place. You will be able to investigate the nature of the elephant. And most importantly, you can start to restore the living room.

Acting out sexually (or any compensatory addictive behavior) is a distraction from being able to see the underlying issue. Addictive behavior is an avoidance of something. It is about wanting comfort. The addictive behavior is a compulsion that is triggered because you don’t want to feel what you are feeling. It has the added component of the wired-in biological rush that is experienced in the moment of orgasm. In Chapters 6 and 7, we will address building the skill of experiencing what you don’t want to feel. Building this capacity will be a tremendous support in dealing with compulsive urges. Additionally, for both of you, building the skills of dealing with shame and blame and of working with strong feelings and emotions create the pathway to building greater intimacy for you as a couple.

The Outcome of Being Trustworthy

We often disappoint each other and ourselves, in large and small ways. You may have the notion that rebuilding trust means living happily ever after. When we first begin a relationship, we are in the flush of possibility. We are often at the height of sexual connection and attraction. There is a natural and innocent sense of love, connection, and trust. When the relationship is shattered by lies and betrayal, you may wish you could reset the relationship back to the beginning. That won’t happen.

But there is a beauty in the tempering that occurs in walking through the crisis. Some relationships will survive and others will not. Rebuilding trust takes time and attention.

As mentioned, the most important trust to foster is the trust in yourself. The trust between the two partners rests upon that structure. Even though your relationship as you knew it is irrevocably shattered, what can arise from the ashes can be deeper and more solid than before. Forgiveness is a byproduct of the rebuilding of trust. And trust is built by 1) telling the truth, 2) by being able to live with your discomfort about that truth, and 3) by being able to live with your partner’s reactions to that truth.

As one wife wrote to her husband:

I have come to realize that trusting you does not mean that in any individual circumstance you will give me what I think I want. It does not mean that in the future I will not be hurt by something you say or do or do not say or do. It does not mean that you will not disappoint me. But because you have been so willing to tell me the entire truth about what you have done, I am coming to see that you have the strength of character to bear my reaction and that feels trustworthy to me.

The Broken Teacup

There’s an old story about a broken teacup that we would like to tell in our own way to illustrate this portion of your journey. It is a story about a beautiful bone china teacup that has been passed down from generation to generation. This teacup is displayed carefully on a special shelf above the fireplace. One day when the wife is carefully placing the teacup on the shelf, it drops on the floor and shatters.

Heartsick, the wife gathers the pieces together and carefully, over many weeks, reassembles the teacup, gluing it together piece after piece. When she is finished, she is still heartbroken because the beautiful pristine china is no longer as it was. It has been put back together, but to her it appears to be a monstrosity.

As in many good stories, a wise old woman comes to visit, and the wife cries, telling the old woman she no longer has a beautiful teacup in which to serve tea to her guests. The wise old woman points out the beauty of the mended teacup. The teacup is now stronger in each place the glue has bonded piece to piece and the lines of the bonding form a beautiful and elegant pattern showing the immense care with which the teacup has been reassembled. She points out that it is not the same teacup as it was originally, but it is now a stronger cup reflective of the love and care that has been put into it.

Exercise: Experiencing Trust

This exercise can be done in your home, but is best done in some unfamiliar but safe place. Partners stand side to side, both facing the same direction, arms touching. One partner will be the guide and the other the follower; then the roles will be reversed.

Decide who will be the first guide. The follower closes his or her eyes and keeps them closed. The guide puts one arm around the follower’s waist, and with the other holds the follower’s arm or hand.

Begin to walk. The guide, keeping eyes open, guides the follower as they walk so they don’t walk into something or fall. Working together, both partners navigate through space as cooperatively as possible for 3–5 minutes. Then switch roles.

After the exercise: Answer these questions individually and then share your answers with your partner.

• When you were guiding your partner, what was your experience of being responsible for your partner?

• When your eyes were closed and you were being guided by your partner, what was your experience of needing to trust your partner?

This exercise helps you directly experience your relationship around trust with another. There is no correct or incorrect experience. Whatever you experience is information to help you better understand your relationship to trust and feeling safe. Individuals have reported feeling apprehensive with their eyes closed; others have reported feeling safe and relaxed. The partner guiding may feel scared with the responsibility or may feel exhilarated about being in charge. Let yourself be surprised and informed.

For example, one man who believed he was a “tough guy” had a revealing experience doing this exercise. He reported that while being guided by his partner, he shuffled and had a hard time walking. It was difficult to let go, to trust. When the roles were reversed and he was guiding his partner, he was aware that he felt like he was “holding a butterfly.” He became aware of the tenderness that he actually feels and wants to experience in dealing not only with his partner but also with the world. He reported that it felt good to take care of his wife in this simple way. He had cared for his family financially, had given his wife flowers and jewelry, but had not previously recognized how wonderful and precious it was to have the responsibility of tenderly holding someone’s welfare in his hands, to be trustworthy.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Many couples have been able to find their way through the shock of the revelation of sexually addictive behaviors and have been able not only to rebuild trust but to actually strengthen their relationship.

• We each want to love and be loved. Trusting and being trusted is a part of the equation of love.

• The state of being able to trust (or not) is developed early in our relationships with the adults who were caring for us.

• Trust not only needs to be restored in the relationship between the two partners, it also needs to be repaired internally by each partner. Lack of internal trust is a fundamental cornerstone of addictive behavior.

• Rebuilding trust takes time and attention. The most important trust to foster is the trust in yourself. The trust between the two partners rests upon that structure.

• Trust is built by 1) telling the truth, 2) by being able to live with your discomfort about that truth, and 3) by being able to live with your partner’s reactions to that truth.

Looking Forward

Many behaviors can stand in the way of trust.
Chapter 6
uncovers how to work with yourself and with your partner in dealing with the inevitable cycle of shame and blame.

CHAPTER 6

Working with Shame and Blame

By now, you have begun to understand some of the impulses and patterns of sex addiction in your relationship. You have found your way through the first days or weeks of the discovery or revelation that sexual compulsivity is a problem in your relationship. Often, you will encounter a cycle of blame and shame that can feel like a maze with no escape.

The partner who has acted out sexually is deeply familiar with shame. As with any addiction, the compulsive partner is ashamed that he (or she) can’t control the behavior. The shame creates discomfort that causes the compulsive partner to act out sexually, so the cycle repeats. Additionally, even though the sexually compulsive individual may not be openly voicing this to his partner, he often has an internal blame dialog going on about how he did not get and/or is not getting what he wants and needs. (And, in many cases, it is probably true that he is not getting what he wants and feels he needs.) It is not surprising that there is an impulse to do something to try to get rid of the shame. Shame feels terrible. Blame can be a familiar and handy tool.