A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction (28 page)

Merging, 191–93

Mischel, Walter, 126

Monitoring, 27, 201–2

Needs, unmet, 177–78, 183

Numbing of emotions, 107, 135–36

Objectification, 10, 16–18, 36–40, 91

case history, 16–17

exercise, 37–40

past influences and, 49

by women, 17–18, 37

Observer, the, 223–26

Past, 47–48, 51–52, 53, 55, 163–85

case history, 170–72, 174–76, 181

effects on relationship, 173–74

exercise, 182–84

experiences with greatest impact, 166–67

impact on the present, 165–66

limiting investigation into, 181–82

patterns affecting one’s view, 167–68

precautions when dealing with, 180

roots of in current behavior, 168–70

support from relationship, 178–79

transformative power of relationship, 176–77

trust issues and, 89–90, 167, 173, 179

unmet needs and, 177–78, 183

magazine, 9

Perfectionism, 107, 114, 156, 172. Imperfection, tolerating

Physical abuse, 167

magazine, 9, 16, 89

Pornography, 4, 42, 147

abstaining from viewing, 10

accessibility and range of, 9

capacity for intimacy decreased by, 24, 26, 197–99

case histories, 4, 28–30, 32–33, 50–52, 68–70, 197–99

compulsive behavior using, 49–52

disclosing use of, 77–78

early exposure to, 9, 89

effects of, 8–10

episodic chronic use of, 48

as fantasy, 14, 34, 49–50, 75

in a healthy sex life, 10

Level 1 sex addiction and, 44

“normal” compulsive use of, 12–13

objectification and, 17

online, 6, 9, 13, 14, 15, 17, 44, 50–52, 68–70, 77–78, 93–94, 156, 197–99

past influences/experiences and, 168–69

trust issues and, 89–90, 93–94

Prefrontal cortex, 7–8

Prostitutes, 4, 17, 25, 47, 53, 54, 75

fantasy relationships with, 14, 34

Level 1 sex addiction and, 44, 45

as stand-ins for specific person, 48

Puberty, 7, 9

Rape, 44

Reality, 31–32, 36–37

Real persons

engaging sexually and emotionally with, 45, 54–56

engaging sexually with, 45, 53–54, 78

non-physical contact with, 44

Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA), 208

Reflecting, 193–94, 195–96, 198–99

Relationships

past influence on, 173–74

reasons for problem in, 42–43

sexually compulsive behavior inside, 44, 45–47

support from, 178–79

as systems, 164–65

transformative power of, 176–77

undefended honesty importance to, 150–51

Remorse, 106, 107

Responsibility, taking, 112, 118, 158, 182–83, 192 “Rumpelstilskin” (fairy tale), 224–25

Safety, 152, 194–96

S-Anon International Family Group, 209

Scaffolding, internal, 166, 168, 177, 194

Seeing Behind the Mask (exercise), 37–40

Self-esteem, 30, 110, 167, 173, 177, 178, 179

Sex

biology and, 7–8

guidelines for healthy, positive, 57–58

lack of connection with partner, 4, 28–30, 44, 47–49, 51

Sex addiction

acknowledging issues caused by, 30–31

admitting the problem, 15

ceasing behavior, 96, 168, 175

defined, 5

discovering in one’s relationship, 4–5

financial costs of, 31, 54, 216–17

illegal behavior, 44, 213–14

intimate sex 23–24, 72, 75, 200

label of, 10–11

Level 1, 43–45, 64–65

“normal” sexual behavior 13–14

other terms for, 5–6

reasons for tendency toward, 15–16

reassurances (for her), 71–74

reassurances (for him), 74–76

shock of discovery, 22–24

signs of, 11–12

Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), 206–7

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), 207, 214

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), 207–8, 214

Sexual abuse, 167

Sexual Compulsiveness Anonymous (SCA), 208

Sexual impulse, 6

Sexualization, 16–18

case history, 16–17

past influences and, 49

by women, 17–18

Sexually transmitted diseases, 78

Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA), 208

Shadow, 153

Shame, 5, 76, 90, 91, 96, 97, 104–19, 124, 126, 128

case history, 112–16, 125

compassion 108–9, 110–11, 114, 116–17, 118–19

exercise, 117–19

liberation from, 116–17

limits of reason and logic, 109–11

past influences/experiences and, 52, 169–70

seeds of, 105–7

undefended honesty discouraged by, 144, 150, 151

Shame epidemic, 107

Shaping Clay (exercise), 141

Shock of discovery, 22–24

Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, 212

Spiral, the, 222–23

Sponge, saga of the, 113–16, 125

Steven and Emily (past influences), 170–72, 174–76, 181

Strip clubs, 34, 75, 214

Support, 73–74, 205–19. Counseling; Support groups

exercise, 218

illegal behavior and, 213–14

Support groups

case history, 214–15

contact information, 206–9

Taking the Road Less Traveled (exercise), 117–19

Tanya and Brandon (sex with another person), 53–54

Testosterone, 7, 9

Touch, need for, 7, 8

Trust, 87–101

broken, 91–92

case histories, 89–90, 93–94

dealing with lack of, 73

exercise, 99–100

importance of, 89

internal structures of, 89, 90

intimacy and, 194, 201

in oneself, 26–27, 90–91

outcome of rebuilding, 97–98

past influences/experiences and, 89–90, 167, 173, 179

rebuilding, 94–97

undefended honesty and, 92, 97–98, 150–51

Undefended honesty, 27, 34, 73, 75, 134–35, 143–61. Disclosure; Lying

case histories, 147–50, 156–58

how to work with, 153

importance of, 145–47

making a safe place for, 152

past influences ameliorated by, 170

relationship rebuilding and, 150–51

as a responsibility, 158

revelatory truth telling, 154–55

simple truth telling, 153–54

trust and, 92, 97–98, 150–51

University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, 107

Visual attraction, 9, 17

Voyeurism, 44

Vulnerability, 27, 75, 115, 122–23, 124, 179

in action, 139–40

compassion and, 108–9, 110–11, 116–17

making a choice from, 138–41

road to developing, 128–41

William and Betsy (undefended honesty), 156–58

Work, sexually compulsive behavior at, 4, 24, 69, 78

Write a Love Letter (exercise), 202

About the Authors

Paldrom Catharine Collins
helps women and couples work through their sexually addicted relationships at Compulsion Solutions, an outpatient counseling service. Previously a Buddhist nun, she is married to a former sex addict. Her counseling focus has been to help individuals, couples, and groups find greater intimacy, more love, deeper peace, and more meaning in their closest relationships. She lives in Pleasant Hill, California. Find her online at
www.sherpacounseling.com
.

George Collins, MA
is a former sex addict and the founder and director of Compulsion Solutions, an outpatient counseling service that addresses sexually compulsive behavior. George earned his master’s degree in Counseling Psychology with a transpersonal specialization from John F. Kennedy University, and is a professional member of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health. He lives in Pleasant Hill, California. Find him online at
www.CompulsionSolutions.com
.

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ISBN 10: 1-4405-1221-3
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